If you doubt me about how awful Facebook has become, keep reading. I’ve got a shitload of examples that will convince you that finding a lump under your armpit might be better than reading one more fucking Facebook status update.
Awful Facebook Rule #1: Believe the Facebook Friend Fallacy
Over the last few years, fans of my podcast have sent me so many awful status updates I’ve become an expert in the shit that’s posted. After sorting through all of them, I’ve found several horrible patterns. I took those patterns and converted them into what I call The Eleven Rules for Being Awful on Facebook. Here’s the first one:
Believe that all of your Facebook friends are real friends!
That is the first rule for becoming an annoying dickhead on Facebook. If you follow this rule, you will feel empowered to spout off stupid shit all day, with no thought to what you are writing. You’ll think that you have a legion of people depending on you to post every dumb thought that floats through your mind.
Also, you will expect every one of the poor souls to keep track of important events in your life, comment on all of your terrible pictures, love all the ridiculous memes you repost, and attend all your spontaneous gatherings. Your faith in Facebook friends makes you confident they have nothing better to do than be your best, most devoted friend. Nobody gives a fuck about your post of a rabbit eating from your dumb garden.
Friend Freak
For instance, look at the following post. This stupid cunt thinks she is Facebook royalty.
Who says Facebook friends are not real friends? They enjoy seeing you on the internet every day, miss you when you’re not on, show compassion when you lose someone you love, send you greetings on your birthday, view the pictures you upload, like your status, make you laugh when you are sad. Share this if you are grateful for your Facebook friends.
Then she writes…
This is very true. Someone tell this to Mark Zuckerberg. He thinks Facebook is only for people who know each other in real life.
Guess what, dummy: Facebook friends are not real friends!
They’re not going to be there when you need them. The only reason they wish you a happy birthday is that everyone else is posting that on your wall.
They feel obligated! They don’t care. I promise you.
Nope, not one damn bit! If they did care, they would be at your front door with a fucking cake! And judging by your profile pic the last thing you need is cake.
My Dear Delusions
Here is another stupid bitch living out this Facebook friend fantasy…
I haven’t even met many of my best Facebook friends in real life, but they are as dear as any I could ever hope for on here.
Are you fucking kidding me?
None of your followers said, “Oh, in three days, this chick in Seattle, who I’ve never met, is turning thirty-five. I need to make sure I don’t forget. I’m buying my plane ticket now!”
The only reason they liked the dumb picture you posted is that they are just as bored as you are.
Share this if you’re grateful for your Facebook friends, she writes.
But, nobody shared it and nobody should! I’d rather share a dirty needle with Charlie Sheen.
GARY FROM FLORIDA: THE POLITICALLY INCORRECT SEXUAL SAVANT
Gary from Florida is a regular on my podcast Comedy Metal Midgets. He’s a great friend and one of my most popular guests. Anytime I announce tour dates in Florida, I get swamped with emails asking if Gary will be at the show. He’s in such demand he’s even signed a few autographs after my gigs.
Gary is a slob! Yeah, he can come across as uneducated and offensive. But, the truth is Gary is an incredibly smart and decent guy. He’s a respected businessman and he’s made a lot of money in real estate. He loves to eat good food and drink great wine. But most of all, he likes to fuck women in the ass.
The reason my podcast listeners love him so much is because of his crazy stories about getting pussy. When he talks about his sexual adventures, he is absolutely politically incorrect. He always has crazy shit to share. A Gary-tale will either disgust you and make you want to run out of the room or it will mesmerize you so you hang on his every word.
What is his dirty secret to being such a great storyteller? Gary is real! He’s one of the few people left in the world that isn’t afraid to be themselves. He doesn’t give a shit what people think of him! He’s got big fucking nuts even when they aren’t infected with ball wart. Most importantly, Gary from Florida is a Hall-of-Famer when it comes to getting women in bed and his years of experience and bold teaching style makes him one of the best sex gurus you’ve ever heard. You’ll be happy to know, the following chapters have some of his best advice. Make sure you read every word! Your life won’t be the same after that!
576 Reasons to Get the Fuck Off Facebook
Now, here is a woman who follows Rule #1 so fucking well, she has become certifiably delusional.
Come hang out with me tonight at Sonny’s restaurant for my early birthday celebration.
One hour later her friendship apocalypse starts…
I have something to say. Out of the 576 friends, only one came out to celebrate my birthday with me. That says a lot about the 575 people that claim to be my friends. Wow! I’m crying and I’m in pain. W-T-F!
Ten minutes later, she’s having a meltdown like an infant that needs a nap.
This is the exact reason why I cannot be friends with anyone.
She thinks the 576 people in her friends list are her real friends. How many of those friends actually live in the area? How many can drop what they are doing to hang out with this disaster of a human being? Maybe fifty? Nevertheless, this woman expects everyone to be there. She thinks she’s given enough notice so that all 576 friends can arrange to travel to her hometown just to hang out in a sports bar for her birthday. What a fucking dunce.
Out of her 576 Facebook friends maybe 10 care about her. The rest never even think about her because they barely know her!
Maybe a handful can say, “Oh yeah, I know her. My son used to play soccer with her kid.”
That’s who most of your friends are on Facebook.
To top it off, it wasn’t her actual birthday!
Nobody is coming to your actual birthday party let alone your early birthday party!
You can thank random chance for the one person who showed! She was hungry, passed that restaurant on the way home, and found your stupid ass blubbering about the 575 no-shows!
Fucking Facebook
There is a whole group of people that like to check Facebook before they go to bed. I can understand checking on your kid before you go to sleep. But checking on Facebook? That is fucking pathetic. Here is an example of the corny bullshit these people post at night.
I’m about to have a threesome! Me, my bed, and my pillow! Goodnight Facebookers!
Yuck! How fucking cringe-worthy can you get?
An adult man wrote I’m about to have a threesome! Me, my bed, and my pillow! Goodnight Facebookers! Instead of trying to get a woman to have sex with him, this loser is fantasizing about fucking his bed and sharing his corny fantasy on Facebook. This post should really say I’m about to have a threesome! Me, my hand, and some gay porn!
Nobody Noticed
I’m sure you know people like this next woman. They have their smartphones set up so they are notified every time someone posts a comment on their page.
I’m sorry I’ve been busy all day and didn’t have time to check in, what did I miss?
There was one reply to this. Her friend wrote, Well… Obama is still president. LOL!
First, you don’t have to say you are sorry. Nobody is looking for an apology. Nobody noticed you didn’t check your news feed.
I looked at your page you have twenty-six friends. Those twenty-six people weren’t talking about you all day. Nobody said, Where the hell is she? What’s going on with her?
These kinds of conversations never happened. Nobody missed you. Nobody wondered
what you are doing.
That didn’t happen.
Why?
Because nobody cares!
If you want interesting news why are you checking Facebook?
Are you thinking, I wonder if the guy I barely know that lives in Cincinnati is posting today about the local weather. I don’t live there, never have, and have actually never been there before and it’s the winter so I’m thinking it’s probably cold but let me check his feed anyway because I missed important info because I was busy.
But then again, what would Facebook be if people weren’t afraid they will miss something important? You know what’s important? Your kids! How about checking in with them five times per day to see how they’re doing? They need some attention because they’re being ignored by their parents who are distracted by their phones.
One Less Loser
I woke up this morning with one less friend on Facebook. Did I make someone mad?
You did make someone mad. ME! A grown man posted this! Yes a man! Well with this kind of post he won’t be a man for long as I’m sure he is in the process of transitioning into a woman.
Sir, did you ever consider that you have one less friend because that friend decided he doesn’t want to be on Facebook?
Think about it. One of your more sane buddies woke up one morning and thought; I’m forty-one years old. I have a hot wife. I have two great kids, and a good small circle of friends. My life is complete. I don’t need this drama on Facebook. I don’t want to worry about getting shit from some guy I hung out with twenty years ago for a couple of months, asking me why I didn’t “like” his video of his dog fetching a stick.
He didn’t want to deal with some old friend sending him messages like:
Dude, we fucking hung that whole summer. We were pretty close. I posted that funny video of my dog and heard nothing from you. I know you have dogs, I figured you could relate.
That guy is trying to feed his two kids. He smartly decided that he doesn’t want to be getting the kids ready for bed and have to deal with a Facebook message from an idiot.
Dude you have a dog I thought you could relate to my video!
Next time you play fetch with your dog throw the stick into traffic!
Officially No One Cares
Here’s another idiot who believes Facebook friends are real friends who actually care about your life.
Officially back on Facebook! Please everyone hold your applause!
Don’t worry, sir. Nobody clapped. Nobody was excited that you reopened an account. Nobody even noticed you were gone. I’ll hold my applause until you’re back off of Facebook.
Goodnight Moron
Maybe you’ve read your kid the book Goodnight Moon. In the book, a little baby says goodnight to all the things in his room and the things he sees outside his window. Well, there seems to be a large amount of Facebook babies who love to do the same damn thing and it is one of the absolutely worst things I’ve ever read on the site.
Goodnight Facebook!
Fuuuuuccckkk! I can read that post a hundred fucking times and it still makes me feel like maggots are crawling all over my skin. What are you expecting back?
Goodnight don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Are you going to read me a story?
One woman posted this:
My bed is calling my name so I’m ready to tuck under my blanket and get warm. Goodnight my dear Facebook and stay warm.
I highly doubt your bed called your name since that’s never happened in the history of mankind. There is no such thing as a talking bed. If this woman’s bed talked to her it would say, “Please lay off the desserts, you’re suffocating me every night.” If anyone you know, even a family member, writes Goodnight Facebook, please delete them as a friend. When they ask why you got rid of them say, “Because you said goodnight to an imaginary object!”
CHAPTER TWO
MY FIRST PRANK CALLS
By the time I made it to junior high school I was honing my prank call skills. I had a lot of time to do that because I was always grounded. I ended up locked in my room for hours on end. I was bored out of my mind and started making prank calls to pass the time.
I even recruited my good friend Tony and we would do prank calls together. Our very first prank happened when we met a pretty girl named Donna at school.
Donna had the biggest tits either of us had ever seen. Donna’s rack was so powerful it inspired us to prank her. There was no planning or method to our madness, we searched the phonebook, found Donna’s home phone number, and cold-called her.
“Hello,” Donna said.
We froze. Snickered.
“Who is this?”
I launched into my first improvisation.
“Hello ma’am. We’re doing a national survey; can we ask you a question? What is your bra size?”
“Who’d you say you were?” Donna demanded.
Donna was stacked, but she was also very smart! It didn’t take her long to create a mental lineup of who might be calling.
“Who is this?” She asked again, this time with a knowing tone. She sounded like she knew it was Tony and I.
“Uh… never mind!”
We hung up immediately!
The next day in school Donna marched over to the two worst perverts in her class, the two boys that were always drooling over her tits, and doing very little to hide it.
“Hey Jim! Hey Tony!” She said mocking us. “Grow the fuck up!”
Before we could say a word, Donna walked out the door. Looking back, I think her bra size was a 34C. I know that because she had the same size rack as my grandmother.
MILP’s: Mothers I’d Like to Prank
The Donna-Big-Tits call wasn’t even close to successful, but it was the start of a career in making prank calls.
Tony and I graduated to calling random numbers. We would dial nonstop until we heard a distinctly feminine voice and pull our pranks. One time we were taking turns blurting out our nonsense and I saw a note on Tony’s fridge. It was a phone number titled Mom’s Work Number. So of course, I dialed it. It was Tony’s turn to do the prank and I handed him the receiver and ran to the other phone to listen.
“Hello?”
“Hello ma’am… how big are your tits?” Tony asked.
There was a long, very awkward pause.
“Tony? Is that you?” His mother asked.
Tony was horrified and slammed the phone. He immediately figured out what I had done.
“YOU ASSHOLE!” he yelled and chased me through the house and around the neighborhood for the next half hour.
We’ve been friends ever since.
Awful Facebook Rule #2: Brag, Brag, Brag!
I can’t think of anything more brutal than reading updates from people bragging about themselves.
Rule #2 for How to Be Awful on Facebook is all about the art of bragging. Facebook is filled with idiots declaring themselves smart and sexy. They post their horrible pictures, sit back, and wait for us to reply with our praise—these people epitomize what it means to be awful on Facebook. By the way, I will never use the horrific word selfie in this book. I’d rather get a blood transfusion from Magic Johnson.
In a nutshell if you are a bragger you want your friends to think you are wonderful while you make them feel like shit. You want everyone to believe you are living the life of your dreams but you aren’t—your life is full of unhappiness. The bragging covers that up.
Bragging is a consequence of insecurity. This generation is obsessed with being validated. They grew up in homes where mom worked, dad worked, and nobody was around until the late evening. When the parents got home, you had dinner with them for forty-five minutes then everyone parted ways and didn’t talk again until the next day at dinner. Mommy and Daddy didn’t give them enough attention so they look for it online.
According to these braggers, they have ideal children, they are in perfect physical shape, eat healthy all the damn time, work longer hours, and are more productive than th
e rest of us. It’s all smoke and mirrors designed to boost the bragger’s ego and make the rest of us feel like shit.
How Not to Get Laid
What’s amazing is how many guys are on Facebook bragging. They remind us how they are good looking. Most men know this turns a woman off but they keep posting. Take this fucking asshole as an example:
Ha, I remember growing up, my mother always told me that I could be anything I wanted to be when I became an adult. I’m thankful I chose to be sexy. LOL.
A grown man in his late thirties wrote this and posted it with a picture of himself at the gym.
Notice how he put a Ha and a LOL in there to soften it up. He’s trying to say he’s joking around. We all know he meant every word.
I bet he spent twenty minutes taking the right picture before he posted it. Plus, there is nothing funny about it. I’m still trying to figure out the joke?
If you wonder why the rest of the world hates Americans, this is it! I’m so disgusted after reading this post, I’m thinking about joining ISIS.
GAMBLERS NEVER WIN IN A CASINO
Recently I was in a third-rate casino in Vegas. When I’m in a place like that, I’m surrounded by misery.
The decor is horrible. The carpets look like shit. There are no clocks and no sunlight. All the dealers look like extras from The Walking Dead and nobody is having fun. Everybody is miserable.
Everybody Is Awful_Except You! Page 2