One day my calls were going nowhere. I was having these super long conversations but the telemarketer’s reactions were boring. It seemed they were beating me at my game. At one point, I was so frustrated I acted like a retard. Would they stay on the phone, I wondered.
The telemarketer said, “Would you like to order our product?”
I yelled, “Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!”
The telemarketer asked again and I would just repeat myself.
“Yaaaayyyy!”
I couldn’t believe they stayed on the line. It proved they didn’t give a shit who they sold their products to, they had to make the sale.
One day, a guy called me to sell me a Bose radio for $350.
I told him, “Yaaaayyyy! Hold on let me go get my piggybank and see if I have enough money.”
The guy stayed on the phone as I counted pennies. That was the moment I knew that this make-believe Ed would be special.
Terrorizing Telemarketers
Before I put my first Terrorizing Telemarketers CD out, I decided to test market it with my family. I remember playing the calls for my seventy-six-year-old grandmother, my mom, and my ten-year-old nephew. When I had all three of them laughing, I knew I was onto something.
I started by printing a thousand CDs and sold them after my shows. At the least, I thought the album would get my name out there. Also, I knew I could make a few bucks to pay for gas and lap dances.
Eventually, I signed a shitty deal with a small record label and got my CD in the stores.
GROWN MEN & BASEBALL MITTS
A while back, I went to an Orioles game at Camden Yards in Baltimore. While I was there, I sat next to two guys in their mid-thirties holding baseball mitts. If you are with your son and your son says, “Dad, bring your mitt to the game maybe we can catch a foul ball!” no problem, that makes sense. But, when you are going with your friend and you are both grown men there is no reason to bring your fucking mitts to the game.
These guys were also scoring the game with a scorebook. NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! What are you going to do with that? Are you framing the scorecard? Are you going to show your friends when you get home?
“Hey, I scored the game last night you want to look at it?”
“NO!”
Why are you bringing your mitts to the game? There is no reason for that. Just go into the souvenir shop and buy a ball and go post it on Facebook with a caption, I caught a ball at the game!
Also, these guys were drunk and hitting on every chick that walked past them. I was thinking, what’s going to happen if they do meet women that are interested? Can you imagine that?
“Hey, the game’s over let’s go to one of the bars outside of Camden Yards!”
They get to the door and bouncer says, “You can’t bring your baseball mitts into this bar!”
“Yeah, but we went to the game! Come on, man!”
“It says here on your IDs that you are both thirty-five years old. This must be fake because there is no way thirty-five-year-old grown men would bring baseball mitts to a game to catch a foul ball. And, why in the hell do you have a scorebook?”
Then the girls go in and the guys are left outside.
Or they say, “Hey girls, can you wait we are going to put our mitts and our scorebook in the car and we will be right back!”
Fucking pathetic! These guys are never getting laid. Stop it with the mitts. Just go buy a damn ball.
Awful Facebook Rule #5: Kiss Your Spouse’s Ass Online
My mother and father are two people who have a legitimate reason to gloat about their relationship on social media.
They were a traditional couple. My father worked. My mother stayed home and raised seven kids by herself. All the kids were close in age. So, you can imagine how fucking hard that was with seven small kids driving her crazy. She had to cook, clean, and do laundry for everyone.
My mom was also athletic so when we got home from school she was in the backyard with us playing sports. After that, she had to cook dinner for the whole family.
My father worked his ass off to provide for a family of nine people. He had to make sacrifices by working long hours and missing time with his family. You never heard him bitching and moaning about any of it.
In fact, neither one of them demanded praise for doing what was expected of parents. Contrast that with the multitude of assholes on Facebook complaining about having to do the simplest of chores. Parents with one child think they should get a fucking award for heating up a microwave dinner or doing one load of laundry.
Even if there had been Facebook back in my parents’ day, I can guarantee my parents would have never posted shit like, Hey, I just cooked ravioli for my seven children! No one cares.
I have a theory that if you have a good relationship you should stay away from Facebook altogether. You’re just asking for trouble and unnecessary drama. Any couple that is happy in their relationship is not going to run to Facebook and tell everyone. They’re too busy enjoying themselves in that moment.
Unfortunately, there is a whole subsection of Facebook users that love broadcasting personal interactions and conversations on social media. Because of all of this, my fifth rule for making Facebook awful is Kiss Your Spouse’s Ass Online.
Angelic Assholes
Here’s another way people use Facebook to brag. When they post this shit, they are saying, I have the perfect partner and my relationship is better than yours!
Take the next guy as an example. This ass sends his woman a picture of a couple with a sunset in the background. The couple in the picture is holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes. This guy tags his chick and posts a caption that says:
When the angels ask what I love most about life, I’ll say YOU!
Of course, these fuckers are Facebook friends because that is a requirement if you want to kiss your spouse’s ass online. The woman gets notified and writes back:
OMG! You couldn’t be more perfect for me!
First, this woman is at least fifty and she’s writing OMG! like she’s a teenager. The premise of her man’s note is even worse. He’s suggesting angels will interrogate us when we die and we better say something nice about our significant other.
How does he know the angels are going to ask us that? Is he saying the angels greet us at heaven’s gate like bouncers at a club? Will they demand our identification? Will they quiz us because they’re suspicious we’re trying to get into heaven with a fake ID?
“What’s your birthday? What’s your middle name? What’s your street address? What did you love most about life?”
Is that what the angels do? I was raised Catholic and I’ve never heard anyone talk about this. I’ve been with religious people like my aunts and uncles when they were facing death. They had their priests with them in those moments and I’ve never heard any of them say When you die the angels will ambush you with a quiz. Let’s go over your answers because you need to get ready!
Also, you look like you are in your early forties, which means you have more years on this planet. Let’s say you break up in about six months and then two years later you find the woman of your dreams. You marry her and live with her for another thirty years before you die around seventy. In that scenario, I don’t think you will tell the angels that the best part of your life was a girl you dated for six months.
If the angels ask me what I liked most about life, I’ll tell them about the threesome I pulled in 1993. If they ask me what I hated most in life, I’ll tell them about your dumb Facebook post!
Yuck! Other People Can Read This
Here is another asshole writing to his chick:
I love you! I would do anything for you, anytime, for any reason!
Then his chick likes it, of course, and writes:
Awwwwwwww!
Here’s the best part. One of their male friends writes:
You know other people can read this right? Yuuuucccckkkk!
That’s fucking beautiful! Good for him! I would love to know t
heir response to his comment. I imagine the first guy got mad, Dude what the fuck? I was just trying to score points with my girlfriend. Why’d you write that?
He wrote it because you are a fucking insecure ASSHOLE that’s why! Why couldn’t you text her that message? You wouldn’t do anything for her at anytime for any reason. You might in that moment and that’s it. Wait until you guys go out, get drunk, get in a big fight, and you wake up the next morning hung-over with her telling you she’s made brunch reservations with her corny friends. I guarantee you’ll tell her to fuck off!
JIMMY & JESUS
I’ve interviewed my mother a few times for my podcasts. It’s interesting to hear her perspective on what I was like growing up. You were so cute Jimmy when you were young. Everyone loved being with you because you were always running. You were doing it to make them laugh, once you had an audience forget about it, you would keep acting silly. Your son is the same way. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Whenever he has an audience, he keeps going. Very entertaining! He likes to make everyone laugh. He’s a born comedian, you grew into a being a comedian!
It is even more fascinating hearing her thoughts on life and religion. She’s a very devout woman and a serious Catholic but if you ever listen to these podcasts, you’ll understand she’s not judgmental. Her number-one concern is making sure she does nothing that would be offensive to Jesus.
For instance, one time someone gave me a Buddha statue as a gag gift. I left it on my desk at home. About a day later, I came home and it had a sock covering it. That was my mom. She was making sure anything that may be disrespectful to Jesus was kept out of the home or her life. There is only one problem with that. Her son is an R-rated comedian.
Your father heard you on Howard Stern so that was good. I didn’t listen to it. I don’t listen to things like that because there is too much cursing. I never watch or go to see anything that is R-rated. I only watch PG-13 or PG films. I like to think there is someone bigger than me watching over us. If Jesus were a guest in my house, I wouldn’t watch anything like that so I don’t do it when I’m alone. I don’t think he would be mad at me. It wouldn’t stop me from getting into heaven. I just don’t believe in doing it.
The way my mother thinks about her faith is very respectable. She’s not some holy roller who condemns people because they don’t believe or act like she does. She never made my father feel guilty for watching his favorite R-rated movie My Cousin Vinny. She’s wouldn’t think of condemning me for what I do. But her strong faith has one funny consequence, she’s only seen her professional comedian son perform his stand-up material twice and both times they were the cleanest shows I’ve ever done. I did it because I didn’t want to make my mom uncomfortable while she was in the crowd. Plus, I needed her to give me a ride home!
Ham-Style Holiday
This next jerk-off loves bragging about how hard he works. You would think he’s the only guy in the whole world with a job.
So, I can’t wait to plan a much-needed VACAY with my girlfriend. First, I need to rock it through the holidays HAM style. Then the ocean awaits!
His girlfriend comments underneath his post.
You work so hard. You definitely deserve a great vacation! Love you!
A response was so important she couldn’t wait until they got home.
What’s really going on is these couples are so insecure they comment on each other’s posts to let all their friends know they are in a serious relationship. It’s a subtle way of letting people know stay the fuck away from that person! That’s my partner, not yours!
These posts don’t really protect relationships, they make them unstable. Other people, usually women, see these types of posts, go home, and berate their partner. Why don’t you post comments about me on Facebook? They are so in love why aren’t we like that?
Back to this ass, why would a guy use the word vacay? Even women cringe at that word. He writes, “I need to rock it through the holidays HAM style.” HAM is an acronym for hard as a motherfucker. It’s like the horrific word beast mode and means get the fuck out of my way because I’m out of control.
How does anyone rock it through the holidays HAM style? Dude, you won’t do the holidays any differently than the rest of us. Everybody does the same thing. You travel, visit family, and buy presents.
Do these things if you want to be hard as a motherfucker during the holidays:
• Cut the line at Macy’s and yell, Get the fuck out of the way. I’m rocking it HAM style for the holidays!
• When you want a Christmas tree rip it out of the ground by the roots!
• Drive 90 mph on Christmas Day to get to where you’re going. Cut off traffic. Force cars off the road! Speed by and give them the finger!
Will this guy do any of these things? Nope! He wants us to think he’s a hard motherfucker but he’s not! He’ll wait in line until it’s his turn just like every other schlub. He’ll sit in traffic like everyone else, and the tree he buys will be already cut and out of the ground. I hope on your much-needed vacay somebody beats you up ham-style!
The Gift of Bullshit
Here’s a woman bragging about her wonderful husband just to make all the other people that follow her on Facebook envious and jealous and sad about their own relationship.
Woke up this morning and realized my husband had placed little notes all over the house for my birthday. It was fun finding them all. I love him!
She shares a picture of a pile of pink Post-it Notes. There are five different pictures showing notes all over the house. One is on the Xbox. One is on the coffeepot. They say things like: You are beautiful! You are my everything! I hope the last one read, I’m leaving you for your friend.
Let’s break this down. He did this because he ran out of gift ideas. His wedding anniversary was in November. He had to buy her nine different things for Christmas. Six weeks later was Valentine’s Day. Mother’s Day is in May. That means there is more shit he has to buy her. Let me see if I can get by with her birthday by writing corny shit on little pieces of paper. Good for you dude, but fuck your wife for posting that nonsense.
GARY FROM FLORIDA: DON’T EAT THE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES, EAT THE BOX
Gary from Florida is a middle-aged guy that usually has several women in rotation. He’s not a cold-hearted man, he’s open to having a long-term relationship, and he loves women. He just doesn’t like to get involved with their children.
If a woman has a kid it ain’t bad, it just ain’t for me!
He believes a house should be a kid-free zone. A simple in-and-out strategy is the best policy when dating women. You don’t want to set up a situation in which a woman assumes it is okay to bring her kid. In other words, this is no place to eat cookies; this is where you eat the box.
I don’t really like kids because they interfere with my routine. But, I can accept them if I’m dating a woman long-term. As long as the kid don’t fucking come over!
One girl I was dating had a kid in the Brownies or Girl Scouts and I had to buy fourteen boxes of Girl Scout Cookies. That’s not for me, fella. Don’t call me Daddy; do you know what I mean? Fucking brutal! I’m just the guy fucking your mom.
I’ve asked him about a typical scenario single guys eventually face. You’re dating a woman for many months. It’s been going great. She has a kid but that hasn’t caused a problem for you. After some time, she asks you to go to the kid’s volleyball game. What do you do?
Easy. “Sorry, I’m busy that night! I have to do something on the computer.”
What if she asks you again two nights later?
“Sorry, I’m in a hockey league on Playstation 4. We have an important game!”
So, there’s no way you would get involved with the kid?
If this woman drops on her hands and knees to blow me, I might consider it.
But, you most likely wouldn’t do it?
If she says, you know what I will give you later tonight? My beautiful brown eye! There’s only one response to that:
I’m going to the game! Hell, I’ll even pump the fucking volleyball up for them!
The One Facebook Post I Love
This next post may prove that Facebook can be used in a good way. Someone sent it for my podcast about Awful Facebook Posts but I don’t find it awful. In fact, considering all the posts I’ve ever read, this may be my favorite of all time. The woman writes:
You would think after being together for two years, living together, having two kids, and being a stepdad, that your boyfriend would stop trying to fuck other girls! But no, he just can’t stop messaging other women! Get a fucking grip…
She inserts the dude’s real name here but I’ll leave that out. She continues:
People should know what kind of person you are! It is 9 in the goddamn morning! Here’s my boyfriend, the father of my kids, messaging girls he wants to fuck!
So nobody likes this post because who in their right mind would “like” this embarrassment? I’m sure everyone is reading it because they can’t believe their eyes, but no one is stupid enough to say anything. Surprisingly, the first person to respond is the guy she is calling out, the boyfriend she found cheating. He writes:
Yeah, put this out there for everyone to see!
He doesn’t defend himself or apologize. So, she responds:
Exactly, why be ashamed? Own up to the scumbag you are!
Everybody Is Awful_Except You! Page 8