As much as I loved the music, being a heavy metal kid in my school was rough. Most of the guys my age didn’t know who the fuck Judas Priest was and the girls didn’t give a shit. When I showed up at a house party wearing my best clothes, jeans and a Blizzard of Ozz shirt, no one would talk to me.
“Can you believe Slayer is fighting?” I’d say, giving it my best shot. “The band might break up!” The hot girls just stared at me like I was a total freak.
It was rare for girls to come to these heavy metal shows. The ones that did show up were hard on the eyes; the members of Slayer were better looking. I guess that explains why I was a virgin through high school. My room was filled with posters of heavy metal dudes and pro wrestlers. I stared at them for hours at a time. It’s a miracle to this day that I never had a cock in my ass.
Fuck You, Scorpions!
One memorable night my luck changed. I drove to Philadelphia to see the Scorpions and met this hot chick at the show. We hit it off instantly. I had a floor ticket and somehow I got her down there with me. We pushed closer to the stage while the opening band played. She was super hot so the crowd let us through until we ended up in the front row.
I was nineteen at the time. I couldn’t believe my luck! Imagine the perfect rock chick, Stacey was it. She was incredibly gorgeous and she had these huge, perfect tits stacked high in her tight T-shirt. We immediately started making out. In my head I was thinking, I’m getting laid tonight, no question about it!
Stacey was a big Scorpions fan so when they hit the stage she was really excited. Likewise, when the band noticed her they were excited, too. We kept making out and the band kept rocking. Stacey was in such a good mood she started flashing her tits. I was in heaven!
The Scorpions loved it as well; they started giving me the thumbs up which stunned me. The main act loved me as much as I loved them. Yeah, my new girlfriend was flashing her tits at them, but I didn’t care, the Scorpions were paying attention to me! Plus, Stacey was feeling me up and my dick was hard as a rock. This was true rock ’n’ roll and it was fucking awesome!
As the night ended, things got better. The band’s big security guy came up to us.
“Hey, the Scorpions want to meet you guys,” he said.
“You mean backstage?” I asked.
“Hell, yes!”
“Really, no way!”
“Yep, it’s your lucky night. Follow me.”
We weaved through security and got to the final gate. I was still in a state of shock. I was having one of the best nights of my life. My mind was racing. I can’t believe that in a few seconds I’ll be backstage with the Scorpions!
Stacey walked through the gate and I followed. The big security guy stepped in front of me.
“Hey, I’m with her,” I said. Did he suddenly forget that?
“No, you’re not!” He said. I looked up at him dumbfounded and he stared back with a blank expression.
“What? Yes, I am! We were together in the front row. You told us to come back together. We’re supposed to go backstage and meet the band!”
“Nope, just her.”
“Yeah, but she’s with me.”
“Not anymore.”
I started to panic. My perfect night was suddenly falling apart.
“Hey, Stacey! STACEY! They won’t let me back! WAIT UP!”
Stacey never turned around, leaving me in the dust. I watched her walk down the hall and disappear. I was crushed!
FUCK YOU, SCORPIONS!
I was mad at the Scorpions for a year after that. I threw out all their albums. If anybody said their name, I would curse them out. I hated the fucking Scorpions.
Of course, looking back, I see what was going on. I had a bad mustache and a mullet. I looked like a dirty Mexican. Why would they want me backstage? I would’ve asked them dumb questions like how did you come up with the artwork for your last album? Who gives a fuck? Plus, on a scale of one to ten, I was a four. This chick was a nine. She used me to get up front. She let me squeeze her tits a few times and then got to party with the Scorpions. I drove home with blue balls and a soggy six in my underwear leaking clear stuff.
SUPER BOWL BULLSHIT
Enough of these awful pop acts that get booked for the halftime show. Every year it’s the same show.
There will be eighty backup dancers doing the same stupid fucking moves that Madonna and her dancers did in 1982.
Wow! How fucking original! They need that many people onstage to distract you from their lack of talent. I’m a comic. Imagine if I had dancers onstage with me jumping around after I told the punchline? An audience member would turn to their friend and say, “What was the punchline?”
He’d say, “I have no idea I was watching those three guys behind him do backflips.”
There is one thing you can count on when you have these awful pop acts doing the halftime show—they won’t have to do a sound check. Why? Because the microphones will be turned off during the performance!
Seriously, who among all the people that watch the NFL every Sunday is a Katy Perry or a Beyoncé fan?
NOBODY!
Not even the fantasy football nerds care about this bullshit. You know who likes that garbage? Sixteen-year-old girls! That’s who will watch a Lady Gaga Super Bowl halftime show.
I know the dumb logic behind the NFL. They think, we know that guys will watch. So, let’s get the women to watch as well! But, even if you get sixteen-year-old girls to watch that twelve-minute segment, it doesn’t mean you’ve made them fans of the Super Bowl or the NFL as a whole. As soon as the show is over, they’ll go back into their bedrooms and stare at their phones like they do twenty-four hours a day. They won’t watch the third and fourth quarter because they loved the halftime show! They won’t tune into the Pro Bowl or the NFL Draft in April.
I remember a few years ago when Beyoncé did the halftime show and the decision backfired on the NFL. Women that like the “Single Ladies” song hovered around the TV set to watch. Beyoncé had just had a baby six weeks before and she came onstage looking amazing but then all the women watching got jealous.
“Yeah, well if I had the money for seven personal trainers I could look like that, too,” one woman said.
“Wouldn’t it be great if I could afford a personal chef to cook me healthy meals,” another woman said.
Then, even before the show was over, the women went back to the kitchen, one by one, to drown their sorrows and drink more wine and feel even worse about themselves.
Do you want an interesting halftime show for real NFL fans? Put Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice in a steel cage match. The rules should be that Ray Rice can only use his left hook and Adrian Peterson uses a tree branch.
I’ll watch that—EVERY FUCKING MINUTE!
Part Two: Awful Conversations
Why are people so fucking stupid? Why do people have to fuck up normal, everyday communication? The amount of awful conversations I endure on a weekly basis is overwhelming. Simple trips to a grocery store or restaurant leave me drowning in some horrific dialogue. A flood of shitty slang words, dipshit definitions, and horrible abbreviations assaults me no matter where I go.
Most of these awful words start in places like the rap music community. White people think hip-hop slang is cool so they use it to avoid seeming corny. But, it has the opposite effect because these words are often worse than the original expressions.
If you are a young kid, I get it. Kids want to fit in. Kids want to know what the new taboo words mean. If you are kid at a party and everybody else is using a new slang word, you use the word, because you want to get laid. You want to have friends. You want to connect with people. I have no problem with that.
My problem is with the adults who use these awful words because they want sound cool. I have to listen to a thirty-year-old soccer mom say something like, “I’m having din-din at the famjam with my bae!”
If you are like me, you want to avoid people like this at all costs. That’s why I’m using Part Two of Ever
ybody Is Awful to shine the spotlight on Awful Conversations.
Slang Words That Suck!
Throwing Shade
Verb [throh-ing sheyd]
Slang for: Disrespecting someone or making fun of someone
Anyone that uses throwing shade deserves disrespect. I can’t imagine using this phrase in front of my friend and fellow comedian, Jim Norton.
Let’s say I called him up and said, “Hey Norton, I was onstage last night doing comedy and a heckler started throwing shade at me.”
The next thing I would hear would be a click as Jim hung up on me. Then, I would get a text from him saying, “The call didn’t drop! I heard what you said and it was fucking awful. It’s been good knowing you!”
He’d forgive me for fucking his girlfriend long before he’d forgive me for using that phrase. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if he skipped my funeral because I said something like throwing shade.
Our twenty-five-year-old friendship would be over and I wouldn’t blame him. That’s what I get for trying to sound like a cool teenager when I’m a middle-aged man.
Baby
Noun [bey-bee]
Slang for: One’s favorite possessions
Some douche bought a used Corvette and referred to it as his baby.
You realize your car was bought at a used car dealership. It was traded in last week. It was fucking disgusting when it came in. The previous owner was a fat slob who sat in your baby, picked his nose, and flicked his boogers on the dash.
He farted in that seat you currently sit in and even shit himself a time or two while he was stuck in traffic. I’m sure he had sex with his chick in there and blew a load all over the seats when he did it. His sweaty ass crack was rubbing a stain in the driver’s seat while he was fucking her. But you wouldn’t know that because they cleaned it up, detailed the thing, sprayed some Ozium air sanitizer in there, and then scammed you into buying it. So, have fun with your baby!
Hundy
Noun [huhn-dee]
Slang for: One hundred dollars
When I first heard the word hundy, I thought someone was talking about that shitty Korean car—the Hyundai. It’s much worse than that!
Douchebags that play Texas Hold ’Em use the word hundy when they’re betting. I guess it makes them feel like losing hundreds of dollars is no big deal. To me it sounds like hipster-wannabe, asshole talk.
I hated the fucking hipster poker players already. Those dicks wear sunglasses and fucking hoodies because they don’t want you to read their face when they fucking bet. They look like assholes. Now, when they say hundy they sound like assholes. Where is George Zimmerman when you need him?
I hope when these hipster gamblers are betting a hundy with their hoodie and sunglasses, their wife is at home sucking off the neighbor. I bet she wears a hoodie and sunglasses when she leaves his house so the other neighbors don’t know what’s going on. Also, I hope she spends a hundy of your gambling money to dry-clean cum stains out of her dress.
Vajayjay
Noun [vuh-jey-jey]
Slang for: Vagina
Oprah was the one who brought this word out into the mainstream. She asked on her show, “Is vajayjay a good word because vagina sounds dirty?” So all the fucking goofy soccer moms who watch Oprah started using vajayjay.
Women need to stop calling their snatch a vajayjay unless they’re trying to make sure men will never touch it, eat it, or fuck it. If a hot chick came up to me and said, “Would you like to see my vajayjay?” I’d tell her I’d rather see my Mom get carjacked.
Ressies
Noun [rez-eez]
Slang for: Reservations made at a restaurant
The first time I heard this I was on a date with a girl. We were waiting at the hostess station and the woman in front of me said, “We would like a table for two but we didn’t make any ressies.”
The hostesses said, “That’s okay, it’s a slow night. You don’t need ressies to get a table.”
When my date told me what that word meant I told her I wanted to leave immediately. I’d rather eat at Taco Bell than a place that uses this slang word. Sure, I’ll be shitting for the next three days and my ass will be on fire from eating their garbage food. But, at least I don’t have to make ressies to eat there and it won’t cost me a hundy. Their tacos taste better than a vajayjay anyway!
Chillaxing
Verb [chill-lax-ing]
Slang for: When you’re chilling so much that you are relaxing
Horrendous!
If you’re chilling you’re pretty much relaxing already. How can you be doing both? How much fucking relaxing are you doing? Are you meditating or something like that? Or, are you just sitting on a couch watching a game? Because then you’d just be chilling. You don’t have to throw relaxing in there too, we get it, you’re lazy! You’re probably unemployed, too. You’ve got no friends and nobody wants to be near you. You’re fucking lonely and have no job skills and you’re just milking the fucking government, collecting unemployment. Why don’t you do everyone a favor and go chillax in a coffin!
Dipshit Definitions
Man Crush
Noun [man krush]
Definition: A non-sexual relationship between two men
Everyone knows what a crush means. When you had a crush on someone in high school that meant you wanted to go out with him or her and hopefully it would lead to sex. If the other person just wanted to be friends with you it drove you nuts. So whenever I hear a guy say he has a man crush on another guy, I take it to mean that he wants to suck his dick if he could.
Chicks are always saying that their man has a man crush on Tom Brady. No, he doesn’t. The reason he spends a lot of time talking about him and looking at highlights of him on ESPN is because he doesn’t want to talk to you.
Mongo
Adjective [mahn-goh]
Definition: Used to describe something extremely large or important
Mongo is another awful word that people use to emphasize being a huge fan of a sports team. We get it that you like your team, asshole. You don’t need to ruin things with the word mongo! You’re a mongo fan because sports distract you from dealing with the deeper issues in your life. Just because you know everything about the Jets doesn’t make you a mongo Jets fan.
Mongo fans think they are mongo fans because they wear team jerseys. Wearing your jersey to the sports bar just means you’re a child. The only time it’s acceptable to wear a team jersey is if you’re with your kid and you both have them on. Other than that, a grown person with their name on the back of a jersey is a fucking douche. Not one person finds that amusing or cool. Everyone is thinking the same thing, What an ass! Why would you leave the house with that on?
Next time I see a jersey-wearing dick I’ll ask him, “Shouldn’t you be on the sidelines with the team? What are you doing here? Your team already has five guys out for injuries. I’m sure they could use a mongo motherfucker like you who weighs one hundred and twenty pounds, wears nerd glasses, and has six beers in him, right!
This is why I really hope my son is not into sports. If I heard him say, “I’m a mongo fan.” I’ll take him out of my will.
Foodie
Noun [foo-dee]
Definition: A person who knows a lot about food and posts pictures of their dinner on Facebook and captions it “food porn”
If it’s food porn I should want to fuck it when I look at it. But, I look at these photos and I never get a hard on. I just look at it and think, here’s another person bragging about what they’re going to eat.
You’re just a douchebag who likes food. You’re not a foodie; you’re probably a FATTIE! Too bad you can’t be a GYMIE and go to the fucking gym!
Famjam
Noun [fam-jam]
Definition: A party that consists of only family members
A jam is when musicians get together and play music, but a family at a famjam is not jamming on anything but misery. It’s a miracle if a family get-together is fun. Usually, fami
ly members are bitter and jealous of each other. They spend the whole time trying to impress each other with the materialistic shit they own.
There are unresolved issues from childhood that surface when families get together. One family member thinks he didn’t get enough attention growing up. Another one is still resentful over something that happened when he was five years old. Most of the time getting together with family is nothing but drama.
There is a reason most families live in different parts of the United States. They don’t like to spend time with each other. Don’t call this a famjam, call it what it really is—a get-together with a bunch of whiny cunts!
Threenager
Noun [three-ney-jer]
Definition: A three-year-old possessing the attitude of a teenager
There is something disgusting about pretending your child is older than his actual age. Your toddler isn’t a teen or a fucking threenager. He’s just like every other little kid. If he doesn’t have fucking pubes, he’s not a threenager. If he’s not jerking off like a maniac, he’s not a threenager. That’s what teenage boys do.
Is your hand cream missing? Is he taking two-hour showers because he’s whacking his bag? Are there smudges all over your iPad screen from his lubed up fingers touching it? No? You know why? Because he’s not a threenager; he’s a fucking three-year-old! Now go check his diaper to see if he has a load of shit in it.
Kiddos
Noun [kid-dohz]
Definition: Nickname that parents call their kids
You will hear some mom say, “Just put the kiddos to bed.” That woman is not fun. She’s never said, “Honey, I just put the kiddos to bed. Let’s fuck.”
Any woman who says kiddos doesn’t really like fucking. She will sit there or lie there because her husband finally painted the garage. Other than that, she’s a complete dud in the sack.
Everybody Is Awful_Except You! Page 13