Check Out Anytime, but Never Leave!
The worst thing at Costco is the thirty-minute wait at the register thanks to the assholes with endless shit crammed in their huge carts. After you get rung up, you have to wait again for the old retarded guy at the door. He’s ninety years old and they are making him check your receipt and your cart for hidden items! He marks each item one by one and that takes another fifteen minutes. If you’re spending $50 a year on a membership you have money to buy tons of awful shit!
By the time the old fuck checks your receipt you’ve spent forty-five minutes from the checkout counter to the car. Then the parking lot is completely packed because all the assholes in a ten-mile radius go to Costco at the same time to get their free samples!
Outside, you have six cars following you hoping to take your parking spot. God forbid they park in the outer lot where there are plenty of open spots. They’re going to walk three miles up and down those fucking aisles but won’t walk an extra thirty feet from their car to the door? So, now I feel like I’m getting stalked while these lazy cocksuckers in their cars watch my every move!
So now, there’s pressure to throw your stuff in the car and pull out quickly because six assholes, in gas-guzzling SUVs, are waiting for your parking spot.
It took so long to get out of the store you need to chill for a second.
Meanwhile, there’s a car on each side and you don’t know which way to pull out because these assholes refuse to walk a few extra yards. They want to rush into the store so they can eat free pieces of shit on a toothpick. Fuck you! I’m taking a nap in the front seat before I pull out. How about that, jerk-offs?
Scams in Bulk
Another part of the big-box store scam is the shopping bag policy. There are no bags!
When you get out to your car, you have to put each product one by one into the back. It’s a huge pain in the ass. As soon as you pull away, it sounds like a fucking bowling alley in the trunk. Shit is flying all over the place at every turn. When you get home, half the stuff is broken. Well, at least you have broken glass in bulk now!
These big-bulk stores make you pay for a membership if you want to shop in their stores. This is another ingenious part of the fraud. The cheapest plan those stores offer is around $50 a year. They want you to feel like it’s a special privilege being a member.
If you break it down, you’re being ripped off financially. Let’s say before you joined the store you went shopping once every two weeks. You buy the membership so you can buy everything in bulk. You think this is great because you will only have to go shopping once per month.
During your first shopping trip, you buy shit like eighty-pound bags of oranges to make sure you are stocked up. You calculate that you will shop twelve times a year. But, then you realize you’re in the hole because of the $50 membership fee. That means you need to save $4.16 per trip just to break even for the year.
Also, you have to factor in storage costs. You need to buy an extra refrigerator to store all the big shit you’re buying. The shittiest refrigerator will run you at least $400, plus you have to pay for the extra electricity you use to run it each month. So far, all you’ve done is spend more money than you did before!
Researching the Racket
Everyone believes that the cheap prices make up for the extra up-front costs. So, I recently snuck into a Costco to do research on prices. Gift cards are one of their most popular items. Wait until you hear the deals on these!
They had a $25 Starbucks gift card for $24.64! Can you believe how cheap that is? You are saving thirty-six cents! The AMC Movie Theater $30 gift card is a whopping fifty-two cents off at $29.48! HOLY FUCK!
Why isn’t everyone in America talking about these great gift card deals? This should be on the national news! The crawl on the bottom on CNN should say Go to Costco and save $0.52 on a $30 gift card! Here are more amazing bargains I found:
100-Pack of Blank CDs for $17.97
Who the fuck uses blank CDs anymore and why would you need a hundred of them? Maybe once a year you might need to burn something onto a blank CD. Go to Staples and buy a three-pack for $2.49. That pack will last you twenty years and save you $15.48 and $2 in gas.
4-Pack of Extra-Large Rolls of Duct Tape for $6
Unless you’re a serial killer who is taping up body parts every night, you won’t use up a four-pack of extra-large duct tape in your lifetime.
24-Pack of Yellow Highlighters for $9
You’ll only use twenty-four highlighters if you need to highlight every fucking word in War and Peace. I don’t care if you’re a teacher for fucking thirty years you still don’t need that many highlighters!
72-Pack of Pencils for $7
Seventy-two pencils for the low, low price of $7! No one has a pencil sharpener in the house anymore. Unless you’re using the pencils for firewood that deal fucking stinks!
Count the Ways You’re Conned
The regular supermarkets have started selling bulk items, too. They’ve figured out the scam and now they are selling things with comparable prices. The ShopRite by my house has a 32-pack of toilet paper just like Costco. They have huge bags of snacks, spinach in massive containers, and oversized packages of fucking lettuce!
It’s true you can only get the 60-pack of toothpaste at Costco but why do we need that much? Just buy it when you run out. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s what you do in life. You make trips to the supermarket to get fresh milk, eggs, and orange juice.
Assholes who belong to the Costco cult will say, “I stock up on my milk by buying five gallons at a time!”
What they don’t tell you is they wind up pouring the last three gallons down the drain because it’s expired and it starts a fight in the relationship because someone is bitching that you’re wasting food and money.
Just because it’s in bulk doesn’t mean it’s a good deal. The club members are brainwashed so much it’s like talking to a woman whose husband beats her. You try to get her to leave and she’s says, “Yeah, but he’s a good father.” Yeah, he’s a good puncher too.
If you don’t factor in the consequences of buying absurd shit like a forty-pound watermelon you deserve to lose money! It is so damn heavy they had to use a forklift to put it in your trunk. With the extra weight in the car it lowers your MPG so it’s costing you another $2 in wasted gas to get home. When you get there, you have to ask the neighbor to help you lift your huge watermelon out of your trunk. If he’s black he’s going to think you’re a racist.
It’s impossible to eat more than six pounds of watermelon before it goes bad and you have to throw most of it away. You spend $26 on the damn thing thinking you’re getting a deal but you can only eat a fifth of it. Do the math—YOU JUST GOT FUCKED OVER!
When people shop at these places with the mindset that everything in the store is a deal they spend more money and buy more shit than they need.
They see a 6,000-pack of printer paper for $22 and buy it because it is a great price. Meanwhile they use a printer every few months to print a one-page boarding pass for their airplane ticket. They make a joke about it when they realize how fucking stupid they’ve been, “Well, at least we know we won’t run out of paper, ha ha!” Yeah, that’s fucking hilarious!
Count the ways you’ve been conned. One, you were fucked on the membership fee. Two, you were fucked by the no bags and broken glass situation. Three, you were fucked on the storage costs. Four, the clothes are unwearable. Five, the gas is a scam. You need a new refrigerator. The food is shit and half of what you buy goes to waste. You spent more than you ever did before! At this point, I say you’ve been FUCKED IN BULK!
CHAPTER ELEVEN
MEET THE CREEPS
You would think my court date for Adventures in Home Abortions would have been the end of me getting in trouble with the law, but no, cops were becoming a regular part of my comedy career. These brushes with the legal system just inspired me to keep going.
In fact, I made the leap from audio to vide
o and produced a series of hidden-camera prank shows called Meet the Creeps with my friend Don Jamieson. The premise of the show was simple—turn on a hidden camera and fuck with people. Meet the Creeps ended up being popular enough to produce three volumes and do a pilot for Comedy Central that didn’t get picked up because they thought it was too mean-spirited. Our style was brutal. There were no happy endings during our sketches. The bit ends and then it fades to black and you’re thinking, What the fuck just happened?
How Not to Dump a Dead Body
While we were producing Meet the Creeps, Don and I visited my brother at one of his construction sites. He’s in real estate and was building some new condominiums. While we took the tour, we noticed an over-sized dumpster set up in front of the worksite. That gave us one of our more twisted ideas—a bit we called Dead Body.
Construction workers are possessive with the dumpster and are instantly annoyed when anyone uses it. They get pissed when people throw away small things like coffee cups. They only want demolition trash thrown in there and are always watching out for people who might misuse it. We figured this made them perfect marks for our next prank.
On the day of filming, we rolled our friend Chuck up in a carpet, stuffed him in the car, and drove over to the construction site. The idea was to dump our fake body in full sight of the construction guys and secretly film their reactions.
We pulled our car up and started to offload our deceased buddy. That’s when we learned our first lesson about dumping the dead. Always be able to lift the corpse you’re trying to dump!
Chuck was too damn heavy! Don and I barely got him out of the car. Once we dragged his ass to the dumpster, we couldn’t lift him high enough to toss him inside. That’s when one of the construction workers confronted us.
“HEY! What are you guys doing?”
“Oh, hey man. We’re just getting rid of this old carpet,” Don said.
The worker wasn’t pleased. Before he could say another word, we dropped Chuck and ran back to the car.
Driving away was Chuck’s cue to wiggle and scream for help. Our job was to drive around the block, wait a few minutes, and then come back and pretend to ask for directions so our hidden camera could capture their reactions. As soon as Chuck screamed, another construction worker sprang into action. He ran over and cut open the carpet to free our fake victim.
“HOLY SHIT! WHERE AM I?” Chuck yelled.
“What in the fuck?” The worker said.
“THOSE GUYS KIDNAPPED ME!”
“What the hell happened?”
“Last thing I remember, I was in a gay bar having a great night. Then, I wake up inside this fucking carpet!”
“Okay, calm down man.”
“They must have DRUGGED ME! I don’t know what the hell happened!” Chuck said.
“Stay right here, let me get some help!”
This happened so fast Chuck forgot to signal us. We were around the corner waiting for his text. We never got the text but we did get an anxious call. The cops were there, they had Chuck, and they wanted to speak to us!
Apparently, this old fuck that lived across the street had watched the whole thing. He didn’t know it was a prank and called the police. We found three cop cars flashing their blue lights when we pulled back up to the dumpster. It looked like a real crime scene. A pair of them confronted me immediately. This wasn’t bad cop, good cop, it was young cop, and old cop. The old cop was pissed!
“Tell me what the fuck is going on here?” He yelled.
“It was just a joke,” I said.
“A JOKE? You think this is a joke?”
Before I could answer, the younger officer asked me my name.
“Oh, I know who you are!” Young Cop said.
“I don’t give a shit who he is,” Old Cop said. “This isn’t a fucking joke! Do you read the paper, Mr. Florentine?”
“Only the sports page.” I couldn’t help but be a wiseass. The old cop looked at me like he wanted to punch me in the fucking face.
“Well, if you did read the paper, you’d know one week ago someone left a REAL MURDER VICTIM in a dumpster RIGHT DOWN THE STREET! We’ve been on the lookout ever since!”
“We had no idea!” I pretended to be shocked, but I was thinking, How the fuck would I know that?
The old cop then tells me he’s not going to let this one slide. “I don’t care if this was a joke. You’re getting charged with something!”
“Let me talk to these guys.” The young cop pulls us aside. “Dude, so you’re the Jim Florentine from Crank Yankers and Howard Stern? I didn’t want to laugh in my sergeant’s face but this is fucking hilarious! Do you have any of those Terrorizing Telemarketers CDs on you?”
“Yeah, I have a bunch in my car. Why?”
“I want to get a few of those from you but first we need to calm down my boss.” He was having trouble keeping a straight face. “Holy shit, this is funny but I’m going to pretend I’m mad at you. So play along!”
After the young cop gave us a fake lecture, he talked to the old cop about dropping the charges and he reluctantly agreed.
We were lucky this police officer had a sense of humor. You can watch Dumping Dead Body on Meet the Creeps videos if you’re interested. Don remembers that day well! Chuck was so heavy that Don threw his back out and was in bed for a week!
FUCK THE FALL SEASON
Fuck the fall! I don’t like it! Yeah, I know people think the leaves are nice to look at but I hate those fuckers. After they change colors, they fall off the trees. Who gives a fuck that leaves change colors? It’s the same colors every year. It’s not like we suddenly have new colors to get excited about. I have a big yard so I end up spending all my time raking leaves! IT SUCKS!
Also, it gets cold and I have to use my fireplace. That puts me out in the yard chopping wood and constantly lugging wood into the house to feed the fire. Nothing about that is fun!
Then, it gets dark in the afternoon. Why in the fuck do we still have a time change? There’s no logical reason! It only benefits the electrical company. They make more money because you put your lights on earlier. It seems like the day is over before it even fucking starts.
All of that convinces me there’s nothing good about the fall. Plus, women start wearing more clothes. They put away their summer outfits and start wrapping up. I think some of these women wear seventeen fucking layers. Any season that has women putting away the yoga pants and dressing like mummies means it’s awful! By the time I take get all those layers off and get her naked I’ve lost my erection and need to take a nap!
Awful Relationships: DJ Disasters
Awful relationships seem to get worse the moment people get married. If you’re an awful person you will plan an awful wedding!
I know this because I was a wedding DJ before I became a comedian. That job only lasted about six months because I was one of the worst DJs ever. I wouldn’t play requests and I was just plain rude. For instance, I refused to play the Kool & The Gang song “Celebration.” I wouldn’t even buy a copy of it. People would come up and request it and I would refuse!
“Why would I have that song? It fucking stinks! What else do you want to hear?”
There’s no reason to play “Celebration” ever again. We get it, we’re at a wedding and it’s a celebration so it makes sense to play a song with the same title. That fucking song should be retired because it is so stale but, like many terrible songs, bad wedding DJs keep it alive.
Most wedding DJs are lazy fucks. They use the same tricks at every wedding. They play songs like “Celebration” after dinner to get everyone on the dance floor. Sometimes they mix it up and play that horrendous Sister Sledge song “We Are Family.” They think it’s a good choice since two families have been brought together into one big clan. We are family, you get it? I’d rather get AIDS! No one has ever walked away from a wedding thinking, I can’t believe “Celebration” wasn’t played.
One time, a guy requested that I play “Hot, Hot, Hot” by Buste
r Poindexter. That song is ABSOLUTE SHIT! I asked him how old he was and made him go back to his table.
On several occasions, I put Metallica songs on when the wedding party was eating dinner. I did it so they would eat faster. One groom, who hated the song, came over and confronted me.
“Hey, what are you playing?”
“Don’t worry about it, just hurry up and eat so I can get the fuck out of here!” I said.
“Look at the guests, they don’t seem happy about it either.” He yelled.
“The reason they look miserable is because they’re eating shitty food! Nobody wants almonds in their green beans, asshole!”
Needless to say, that was one of my last weddings.
Guests would also ask me to play the fucking Chicken Dance and they wanted me to go out on the dance floor and lead the dance. That was never going to happen. I would always find a couple of drunken cornballs to do it so I didn’t have to embarrass myself.
When I compared myself to other wedding DJs, it was obvious I needed to find another gig. I hated most of the song requests. I didn’t like leading the stupid fucking traditions, and I didn’t bring props to the gigs. Some cornball DJs will get on the dance floor with a wig and inflatable guitar and play “You Shook Me All Night Long.” People think it’s funny and that it will get the party started. There’s nothing fun about that, and it won’t get the party started. You want to get the party started? Have a couple of girls start blowing guys on the dance floor. That’s how you start a party!
There are many songs that have been played to death. I’ve had enough of Neil Diamond’s song “Sweet Caroline.” When it comes on all the drunks in the room who can’t sing make it even more miserable. White-trash guys put their arms around each other, sing loud as fuck, and reminisce about the cool parties they had in their twenties. They get emotional because now they’re older and too busy to party or see each other. They say it brings back good memories. To me, it seems like an excuse to watch a bunch of assholes make even bigger assholes out of themselves.
Everybody Is Awful_Except You! Page 17