The movie poster for Rudy is another common thing you find on man cave walls.
Why? I have no fucking idea! I guess some men get inspiration from that movie and watch it over and over.
That is one of the most overrated movies of all time. It’s about an undersized guy that can’t make the team but at the end of the movie, he finally gets in the game and makes a sack. I just summed the movie up in three seconds.
You want inspiration? Put a picture of Michael J. Fox on your man cave wall. He’s had Parkinson’s for twenty years and never bitched once about it. He still works in entertainment, remains married to his wife, raised his kids, and doesn’t fucking complain. That’s fucking inspiration!
Put a picture of his wife on your wall, too. She’s stayed with him through all the hard times! If I had a wife that was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, I would leave her in a heartbeat. I have this collection of very nice china that my grandmother left me. These are expensive antique plates. I couldn’t take a chance that she’d shake and drop that shit. I couldn’t live the rest of my life using paper plates and cups. However, I’d make sure to get at least one last hand job from her because I’m sure it would be pretty good if she had that disease.
Here’s the bottom line about sports memorabilia, if you’re a forty-year-old man and you’re still putting Dallas Cowboy posters up in your man cave, let it go, motherfucker. You really need to ask yourself why you’re excited about looking at a poster of Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin, and Emmitt Smith every fucking day. The 1994 Super Bowl was over twenty fucking years ago. Stop living in the past. NOBODY GIVES A SHIT!
I think these men secretly like looking at Troy Aikman’s ass. Maybe that’s why they get a chair with two cup-holders. One to hold a beer and the other for tissues and hand cream.
Just shut off all the man cave’s power, sit there in the dark, and think about your life. Think about what the fuck went wrong. Why are you stuck in the basement while your wife controls the rest of the house? Put your balls in a nice jar and place it on your man cave mantle. Then, sit back and contemplate how you became such a fucking pussy!
I’d rather hang out with the Taliban in a cave in Afghanistan than be in some guy’s man cave. I’d rather have a fucking sharp knife to my neck and a videotape of me yelling shit in fucking Arabic than hang out in a fucking man cave, looking at a Derek Jeter bobblehead, dumb action figures, and a Rudy poster while playing Wii Golf. I’d rather have my fucking head cut off and held up and shown to my family. That’s what I think of your fucking man cave!
Awful Relationships: Parents Should Be Sprayed
Awful parents become awful when they turn parenting into an obsession. These parents insist that their kids are special or better than all the other kids, but they’re not! The majority of children are normal, run-of-the-mill kids. They’re not exceptional but awful parents refuse to believe that.
Awful parents force their kids into things they don’t want to do. Athletics is a good example. Parents think their kid will be the next football or basketball star and they push them into a crazy training and game schedule. That’s so fucking stupid!
If you’re one of these parents, stop that shit! Don’t force baseball on your kid just because you played baseball. I’m sure if we watched the videotapes of your games, we’d see you weren’t any good, either. You like to tell the story differently, but it’s all bullshit. You sucked, and if your kid doesn’t have a natural aptitude for baseball, he’ll suck too. Don’t live in the fucking past! Find something your kid’s good at naturally!
Focus on what your kid likes. That’s all you have to do. Maybe the kid isn’t good at sports but he’s a nerd and he’s good at electronics and shit like that. Maybe he’ll be the next Bill Gates. That’s a fucking good gig!
He can’t swing a fucking bat. He couldn’t kick a soccer ball. He didn’t know how to throw a football. All right, this kid is fucking awful at sports. So what? He may be a computer whiz and create some great technology to get rid of awful parents! That would make him one of the greatest inventors in history!
I remember hitting home runs when I was in Little League. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo! Who gives a shit? I wasn’t that great but in my little town I stood out and was considered a great player.
As soon as I got on the freshmen high school team, I was benched after two games. In that group of players, I wasn’t good enough to keep going. I wasn’t mad at the coach. I didn’t have my mom go sit down with the athletic director and argue to get me back on the field. My dad didn’t make a big stink. He saw I was batting eighth, and the pitcher was throwing faster than I could handle. Even he said, “All right, holy shit! You’re not going far with this baseball career!”
No one freaked out. It was understood that I would do something else.
That’s not how it is now. Recently, I was at my son’s T-ball game on a Saturday morning. I only signed him up because he’s really good at it. I don’t like going to these games because you have to listen to parents talk about stupid shit like problems in the school districts. I’d rather suck my friend off in his man cave after a round of darts.
Anyway, when a kid hit the ball, these parents were fucking screaming like the team had just won the World Series. There were fucking seventeen errors on the play. The kid didn’t hit a home run. He just kept running. He didn’t even know to stop. He missed two bases along the way too. If that were televised it would be on the greatest sports blooper of all time.
The kid’s parents were yelling, “Aiden made a home run! Yeah, Aiden!”
Made a home run? Aiden didn’t make a home run. He hit a weak ground ball to second! I wish that fucking kid would’ve tripped and fallen on his face. Of course, his parents would sue whoever put the second base bag down. Good parenting, you fucks!
Later in my life, I decided I wanted to be a singer so I signed up for lessons.
During my first lesson, the teacher said, “Look, I could sit here and take your money every week for the next two years, but you really don’t have an ear for music. Sorry, kid, you don’t have what it takes. You stink!”
I could have thrown a fit and said, fuck you, teacher! But, I knew that even though I loved music, Lou Ferrigno had a better ear for music than me.
Finally, I realized I liked comedy, and that’s what I pursued as my career.
I also knew it wasn’t going to be easy. If I thought my parents would swoop in and make things right, I would have never pushed myself.
When I started doing comedy in New York City, I auditioned and the bookers told me I was terrible. They said I couldn’t work at their clubs. When that happened, I didn’t go home and cry. I didn’t write the fucking comedy club a letter. I went home and wrote better jokes until they were forced to use me because I was doing well onstage.
The bottom line is if your kids suck at something, don’t threaten to file a lawsuit. Move the fuck on and find something else your kid is good at. If you have your son taking karate at five don’t expect him to make a living at it later in life. What is the reason to take karate as a kid anyway? I’m not sure, other than to help fend off the local priest. Then again, a priest might get off on getting a karate chop to the sack.
Awful Relationships: Baby Names
Giving children stupid fucking names is another way awful parents fuck up their children. These parents shouldn’t be allowed to name their own children. Hospitals should have a special committee that picks a random name from a list of super-fucking normal names. That would ensure kids don’t have to deal with being teased and picked on their entire lives.
Baby, That’s a Fucking Bad Name!
When my ex-wife was pregnant, she bought a baby name book like every other woman. I guess it’s a fucking tradition for pregnant women, but I didn’t need a book to name my kid. The book was the size of War and Peace. She went through it for six weeks looking over every single name. I went through it in seconds and picked out three possible names: Larry, Luke, and Lenny.
My choices were run-of
-the-mill names. Awful parents pick crazy names because they think their kid is special, but they’re really not.
“He kicked a lot when he was in my womb!” They say. But, all babies kick. There is nothing special about that.
“We knew he would be special, we had a special feeling about him! That’s why we named him Bennett!”
That special feeling you had was the feeling of being fat, bloated, and constipated. Bennett had nothing to do with that shit. However, if Bennett pops out of your snatch and starts doing my taxes, I’ll tell everyone he’s the greatest kid ever born!
Out of the three names, we picked Luke. You can’t mock a normal name like that. I didn’t spell it L-u-u-k-e, either! You don’t need to give the other children extra ammo to use against you. If you don’t believe me, name your kid Cooper. Wait until the teacher calls out his name in class and everyone snickers. Your kid will come home and complain to you, and all you’ll be able to say is, “It’s okay, Coop!”
Cooper is popular because it’s a trendy Irish name. Parents should stay away from those names, too, because they are beyond brutal! No kid should ever be named Decklyn, Aiden, or Liam. If you name your kid Decklyn, you’ve committed child abuse! I’d rather name my kid Little Dick. Little Dick Florentine sounds much better than Decklyn Florentine.
Why Katniss Killed Her Parents
The trend over the last decade is to name your kid after a character in a movie. Katniss from the Hunger Games has become a popular name. I don’t know anyone that saw Hunger Games so I can’t tell you a fucking thing about Katniss! I don’t even know what that movie was about. I guess someone is chased in the movie. Wow, how fucking original and how fucking terrible if you name your daughter Katniss. It sounds like “cat piss” and that’s exactly what the kids will call her for the rest of her life!
The abuse she will take as a kid with that nickname will push her into the world of stripping. At least in that job, she’ll change her name to Porsche so she won’t have to deal with being called Katniss.
The Twilight movies were another terrible flash-in-the-pan. Do awful parents really think Twilight will be a classic like The Godfather? Imagine twenty years from now, when someone is asking Jasper, Cullen, or Bella, where their name came from and they have to explain it’s from some shit movie that teenagers watched and forgot about a week later. I wouldn’t call one of my turds Jasper! I’d rather call my daughter Cunt then Cullen.
Shitty Spellings
I read about a kid named ABCDE. My only response to that was Y?
But, there is something worse, parents that change the spelling of normal names trying to be clever.
One time, I heard a parent bragging about this. “We’re going to name our son Michael but spell it M-y-k-u-l because he’s going to be special so he needs a unique name!”
He’s not unique, he’s cursed! Cursed with stupid fucking parents!
Mykul will grow up with a ton of resentment! Every time Mykul has to spell his name that repressed rage will grow a bit more!
“How do you spell your name, kid?”
“M-y-k-u-l.”
“Wow, I’ve never heard Michael spelled that way before.”
“Yeah, well for the millionth time, my parents thought that was a good way to spell it!”
“Are your parents illiterate, son? Didn’t they double-check the spelling on the birth certificate before they left the hospital?”
“Oh no, they knew what they were doing. My parents are just FUCKING DOUCHEBAGS!”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
THAT METAL SHOW
I grew up listening to heavy metal. My two older brothers Bob and Joe got me into the music. I’d be in the backseat of the car and they would be cranking Black Sabbath, AC/DC, Ted Nugent, and more. I became obsessed with that music and read every liner note on every album I bought. I didn’t do well in school but I can reel off every birthday of all the members of Black Sabbath. Little did I know years later I would co-hosting a show on TV called That Metal Show. The show ran from 2008 to 2015. We interviewed hard rock and metal bands from the 80s. It was basically The Tonight Show for AC/DC fans. After I got divorced in 2014, I was hoping that maybe I could meet some women because I was on a TV show. The problem was our demographic was forty-year-old males and the show aired on Saturday nights. There weren’t a lot of hot chicks staying in on a Sat night because we were interviewing the bass player from Ratt. Basically if I wanted to fuck forty-year-old guys that wear Rush concert T-shirts I would be in sex rehab.
CONCERTS: PEOPLE THAT BLOCK YOUR VIEW
I went to a concert the other night and couldn’t see a damn thing because so many things were blocking my view.
I had six guys in front of me and five of them were filming the concert on their smartphones. The sixth guy was using a fucking flip phone to do the same thing. What in the fuck is that guy thinking? Where can you upload video from a flip phone?
They made a point of filming the most popular songs. What are you going to do with that footage? Put it on fucking YouTube? If you go to YouTube and look up that band’s most popular songs, you’ll see that there are 150 better versions of that song, professionally shot and recorded with six special cameras. The video you have on your cell phone is complete garbage by comparison. It stinks and there’s not one damn person interested in seeing it!
But, that won’t stop you from taking it to work on Monday!
“Hey, do you want to see the footage I shot of Journey playing “Don’t Stop Believin’” at the concert?”
“NO! Unless… the singer shit his pants when he was trying to hit a high note?”
“No, it’s just the song.”
“Then, NO, I don’t want to see it. I wasn’t there I DON’T CARE! And besides I just heard that song three times on my car ride to work today! That’s the last fucking song I want to hear!”
Are you going to bring that to your job at the construction site and play it for your coworkers? You have five hung-over guys busy doing a hard job and they don’t give a shit. There’s a circle saw buzzing, guys hammering nails on the roof, pickup trucks dumping stuff, jackhammers going off, and you’re trying to play that shit video on a speakerphone! Oh yeah, that’s going to sound great!
Another thing blocking my view at the concert was the guy on the front row holding up a homemade sign with the band’s name on it. What a fucking idiot! We know you’re a fan, dude. We’re all fans; we’re all at the same show! You’re in the third row, you paid $300 for that fucking ticket. I have a feeling you’re a fan. You don’t have to announce it to the world!
And, why did you put the name of the band on your shitty sign? Do you think a band like Iron Maiden is confused about the songs they should sing? Do you think those signs remind them what to play?
“Hey look at that sign! Oh shit, why are we playing a Journey song, we’re Iron Maiden. Thank God for that dumb sign! Come on guys, let’s play ‘Number of the Beast’!”
Here’s another thing, it seems like whenever I go to a concert the guy with the biggest head is standing in front of me. I hate that shit. It ruins your night.
Instead of handing out seats based on price, we should measure everyone’s head when they enter the venue. The people with the biggest heads have to stand in the back against the wall so they don’t block the view!
Next time you go to a concert put your cell phones down, put your fucking signs down, and move your big-ass pumpkin heads—I WANT TO WATCH THE SHOW!
Awful People You Meet: Awful Drivers
My career choice hasn’t protected me from the bad part of living a life on the road—horrible fucking drivers! They are everywhere! Get out on any road in America, you’ll find them there, some of the most awful people in the fucking world!
Bad drivers are all over the place, and it’s worse because they don’t realize how much they fucking stink! Most of them are oblivious! When you are behind the wheel, pay attention to what you’re doing and where you’re going.
FOCUS,
MOTHERFUCKERS!
Better Bad Drivers
It’s strange how we make everything a competition in America. It doesn’t matter what town I’m in, I hear the same thing.
“Oh, the drivers suck around here. You had better watch out if you drive in this town! We definitely have the worst drivers in the country!”
I’ve never heard people say, “Oh man, and wait until you get out on the road. We have the BEST DRIVERS in the nation!”
It’s the same thing when people talk about law enforcement.
“Be careful, the cops suck around here!”
No one has anything encouraging to say. Can you imagine if they did?
“Don’t worry about getting pulled over around here, the cops are awesome!”
I’d love to be that driver!
“Man, the other night, I was driving down the road, drinking a beer, smoking weed, and when I was waiting at a stoplight a super nice cop drove up next to me. He rolled his window down and said, ‘Hey, dude! Is that good weed? It is? Great! Just remember, it’s better to do that at home. Okay, buddy have a great night and drive home safe and don’t spill that beer!’”
Now, that would be a fucking cool cop! But, no one has told me a story like that. I wonder why?
Could it be that cops are stopping people because they’re doing stupid shit like drinking and driving? All cops don’t suck. Your town doesn’t have worse cops than the next town over. The problem is you don’t interact with police officers unless you’re doing something wrong! For instance, my friend got a ticket for doing 75 mph in a 25 mph zone. He couldn’t stop complaining.
“Fucking cops suck around here! I got four points because of that ticket! Bastards!”
I know that’s so unfair that you were only doing 50 mph over the speed limit. The cops really are assholes around here.
Everybody Is Awful_Except You! Page 20