by Grave, Alexa
He leaned over and whispered in my ear. “Can I have some popcorn?”
“Sure,” I said, unable to hide the squeak in my voice. All he wanted was popcorn, no hidden meaning lacing his words. My mind was a million miles away from making sense of any of this. If I still technically had a mind.
So, I did the only thing I could do. I watched the movie and settled into the comfort that wrapped itself around me from a man I once loathed.
* * * * *
After the movie situation, it was hard to stop myself from seeking Jared out. I still had the intense hate for him that I had developed when our relationship ended, but I was drawn to the promise of peace when he was close to me. One of the things that kept me from becoming his shadow, besides the tense feeling that I’d rather fling myself off a mountain, was that I never knew whether I would feel the serenity or the need to fuck his brains out when I was near him.
I mean, one time he placed his hand on my back and the comfort washed over me. Another, and every nerve fired, insisting I turn around and pin him to the wall.
And I thought I had problems when I was alive. At least I knew why I felt the sensations I did when I was breathing air and not brimstone.
One good thing – Jared hadn’t seemed to notice my reactions. Yet. It was getting harder to hide. Part of me didn’t want to hide, especially whenever I saw that pathetic look on his face. It was as if he were lost.
I couldn’t lose him.
See what all this crap had me thinking? Worried about losing Jared – ha. I’d turned into one of those simpering girls that didn’t know a Harley from a Honda.
To keep my mind off sex – okay, more to keep myself out of Jared’s path because, let’s face it, my mind was going to focus on the thrills no matter what – I wandered the second floor of Hell, exploring.
At least if Douglas was stalking me, he was keeping his distance. Maybe he wasn’t quite as evil as my initial assessment. Heck, he could have asked the Question and I just hadn’t heard him because I was consumed by his unsettling presence. Though I had to admit, the sense of eyes always on me chilled me at times when I was alone.
Still, I wouldn’t let him stop me, so I peeked into the endless rooms in the labyrinth of hallways. Many of the rooms looked the same, single dorm rooms like mine, some decorated and clearly claimed, but others barren, waiting for new tenants of Floor Two.
My room was fashionable, but screamed tomboy. No one would get any frilly ideas about who I was when they glanced in my room.
Some doors were locked, though – I assumed occupied by people who didn’t want to fraternize with others. I pressed my ear to the doors, but I couldn’t hear anything on the other side. Hell was soundproof. Not sure how I felt about that one. So much for being like a dorm.
Losing my way in the twists and turns of hallways proved an interesting experiment. As soon as I knew I couldn’t turn around and find my way back to the common room, I closed my eyes and wished. There I was, behind the couch, the sports freaks glancing back at me, the hope I wouldn’t chase them away again in their eyes. Teleportation rocked.
So, unless you wanted to get lost, you couldn’t. I wondered where you went when you really wanted to disappear. Like Emaline. Maybe a room lined with windows to get a good view of the fire and real demons.
On one of my jaunts, I stumbled upon a huge room. I stepped in and the feeling of shifting from the present straight into the Renaissance made my head swim. The ceilings were high and domed, the room containing three levels. And the walls were lined with books. Endless, or at least a trick of the eye made it seem so. I squinted to try to make out the murals on the ceiling, but they blurred. And they constantly changed from one picture to another. Here I thought the dormitory and lines in the lobby were weird. This, this was totally... Pandora.
Not to mention it was deserted. From what I could tell when I poked my nose around corners and shelves. Chairs and couches sat in strategic places, looking fancy and comfortable enough to fall asleep on. But there were no other people. Or were we considered spirits? Whatever.
The perfect place to avoid Jared. He’d never be caught dead in a library. Er. Sometimes the bad puns were unavoidable.
Not to mention I could catch up on my reading. No one would notice my addiction for bodice-rippers here – something I had concealed from all my boyfriends. I had to keep my image, after all.
The next few visits to the library were uneventful, and I still hadn’t seen anyone else cross the threshold. Oddly, though, there were instances when I felt as if I weren’t alone, whispers echoing from the books themselves.
Maybe this was where everyone came to get lost, or to wander into a story and forget about reality, if Hell could be considered reality. Every time my mind steered to such thoughts, I got the same chills I felt when I noticed Douglas watching me, and I bolted from the room. I didn’t have to be a tough chick if no one was around.
But sometimes I didn’t get that feeling, and with so many books to read, I couldn’t resist. I was wrapped in a steamy sex scene one day, when I freaked out more than I ever had in life or death.
“Moira?” Jared’s voice inserted itself mid-fondle on the page.
He had snuck up on me. I wanted to peel my skin off like a banana, so my soul could escape and hide among the endless shelves. Instead, I shoved the book under my butt and hoped he hadn’t noticed me jump when I heard his voice.
“What are you reading?”
“Nothing,” I said. “Just a novel. What are you doing here?” I hadn’t been this off my game for ages. The last time had actually been the first night I’d spent with Jared, and then it had been pure pleasure clouding my mind.
To my chagrin, he ignored my last question, my one ditch effort to change the subject. “What kind of novel?” He stepped closer, and his skin brushed mine.
A flash of electricity zigzagged its way up my leg and into my crotch. I bit my lip to stop a gasp from escaping. “You know. Fiction.” If I had to say more, I’d be in trouble.
He grinned. “Let me see it.”
“It wouldn’t interest you.”
Before I could react, he leaned over me and shoved his hand under my behind, snatching the book. I yelped from a mix of shock and the intense desire that assaulted me.
Still leaning over me, he glanced at the cover, his chest inches from mine. Then he laughed. It was horrid and beautiful to my ears all at once.
“Romance,” he said. “I should have figured. So, this is why you never read around me even when we were living together.” Steadying himself on the arm of the chair, he leaned closer, his lips so close I felt his breath on my skin. “What other interesting secrets are you keeping, Moira?”
My entire body shuddered, and I couldn’t stop myself. Everyone had a breaking point, and I was way past mine. I moaned.
At first, puzzlement crossed Jared’s face, then that so familiar glint crept into his eyes, and the no-good, mischievous smile I had longed to see curved on his lips.
He shifted, and his lips brushed my ear. “You want me.” And as he spoke those words, his hand stroked my calf and traveled toward my crotch.
It took all the will I had left in me to make my muscles work, to move my own hand and grab his wrist, stopping his progress. My body screamed, wondering why the fuck I did something stupid like that.
He didn’t force his hand any further, but the grin on his face remained. His eyelashes brushed my cheek as his lips touched mine. Warmth spread through me, and I kissed him back, reveling in his taste, something I hadn’t known I had missed until now.
I released his wrist, the last control I had on my body vanishing with the heat throbbing through me. His hand slid home, and I pulled him closer.
He unlocked his lips from mine, trying to catch his breath. Then he went for my neck, one of my weak spots. Didn’t he realize there was no need to convince me? I wanted him now, in this chair. I pulled his shirt out of his pants and slid my hand up it, so I could feel his bare skin.<
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For a moment, I felt as if I were caught up in one of the romance novels I read. And then something reminded me of the voices in the library and not wanting to become lost like Emaline. That’s all this need for sex was, the desire to lose myself in passion, forget where I was and how I ended up here.
“Please stop me,” I said. It squeaked out, my body still out of control, unwilling to follow my own direction.
Jared froze. In the living world, he wouldn’t have stopped – he would have continued his caresses because he would know I didn’t mean it. But this time, I did and didn’t mean it. And this time, he drew back, untangling himself from me. That fire in his eyes vanished, replaced by the sadness.
Seeing that hurt more than my deprived hormones.
Jared backed away and leaned on one of the bookshelves. “I’m sorry, Moira. I don’t know what happened. I...”
The nerves in my muscles slowly stopped firing, one by one, but my mind had so much information to process, I couldn’t grasp why he was apologizing, how he could be speechless.
“Jared–” I wanted to say something to comfort him, to assure him. Anything to suck that sadness from his face.
“I should go. Again, sorry.” He slipped away, and my joints still weren’t functional enough for me to get up and chase after him.
The romance novel lay open, face down, on the floor. Perhaps humor was a better choice.
* * * * *
I hadn’t seen Jared in a week. Relief was my first reaction, but fear also snuck stealthily under the surface. If he disappeared forever, I wasn’t sure what I’d do. I hated to admit it, but something deep inside me needed him.
My worries about Jared distracted me while playing escort. A few people didn’t get one word of explanation, let alone an iron-on smile.
Too much time to think, that’s all Hell was – a place to make you go mad by spending too much time with your own brain. I had at least rethought the whole getting-lost-in-passion thing. It didn’t make much sense anymore now that I wasn’t pinned under Jared’s body. If that first thought, which turned out to be an excuse, was the case, I wouldn’t be so unique. The no-sex-urges was a part of the spiel I had to tell the new inductees. That still didn’t give me an answer, though, and I had no clue what I’d do if stuck in the precarious situation again.
Part of me wanted to run into Jared to find out.
It just so happened that I returned from a pick-up when I caught movement across the room, and I saw Jared slip through one of the doors leading to the endless hallways. I high-tailed it after him.
Douglas slid into my path and I nearly slammed into him. So glad I didn’t because the touch of his hand the first time we met still gave me nightmares. Or daymares, since I didn’t need to sleep. This being dead thing was complicated and confusing.
“Hello again, Moira.” A little grin appeared on Douglas’ face – a knowing grin, a grin that had other intentions behind it.
I didn’t have time for this. “Yeah, hi there. Sorry, I’m a bit busy. Trying to catch up to someone.”
“Why go after someone who doesn’t want your company? Especially when you have me, who’d happily entertain you.”
The word entertain held a lot of creepy implications. No way I wanted anything to do with whatever type of entertaining he had in mind. And why did he pick now to stop simply stalking me and try to have a conversation?
“Maybe another time. Sorry.” Another time. Why did I say that? Stupid.
“I take that as a promise, and I look forward to it.”
I’d dig my way out of that hole later. For now, I skirted around Douglas and pushed through the door, hoping to see Jared’s retreating back, but the hallway was empty.
He still wasn’t totally lost, but having the ability to wish himself away from me was going to make it difficult to catch him.
I needed a drink. Not wanting to run into Douglas again, I headed for my room, imagining a Long Island Iced Tea waiting for me.
Douglas’ reply sank in when I was halfway through my drink. A promise. Crap.
* * * * *
The avoiding games were making my head hurt. Not only was Jared disappearing whenever I caught sight of him, but I was trying my damnedest not to run into Douglas. The latter made the former way more difficult.
Afterlife sucked.
Today had been a busy day for me. Dozens of people during my shift, and staggered perfectly so I couldn’t escort more than one at a time, and I was sick of walking up and down the hall. I imagined my feet hurt because the ability to feel like crap after a long day of work made me feel human.
So right after my final drop-off, I collapsed on the couch in the communal living area, pulled one of my shoes off, and rubbed my foot to ease the ache. I should have waited until I got to my room. Douglas materialized next to me. Literally. It had nothing to do with sneaking. He had mastered the wish thing and popped beside me when my mind for once wasn’t focused on avoidance.
“Moira,” he said. “Always a pleasure.”
Skin crawling was an understatement. I wanted to slap this man, do a few shots of whiskey, and find Jared to hide behind him, all at the same time. The last disturbed me the most.
“Did you want something, Douglas?” Yes, that was the wrong thing to say. Out of the mouth before fully thought out – one of my talents.
He inched closer, and I smelled him, a stale scent. Odd, that. Didn’t think people could go out-of-date. “You have a promise to keep.”
Every muscle in my body stiffened, and I yearned for the intense comfort I felt when near Jared. These reactions weren’t me. Why hadn’t I told this guy off yet? Well, it was about time. Jump into the volcano.
“Last I checked, maybe didn’t constitute a promise. Frankly, I’d rather not see you at all.” The words sounded weak to my own ears. “Ever again,” I added, to make it more forceful, but that sounded wretched.
Douglas’ smile faltered, shifting to a snarl for a moment, then returning to the grin. I now saw the sinister layer behind the kindness, no matter how hard he smiled.
“That hurts, Moira. What have I ever done to deserve that? I just want to be friends.”
Guys didn’t use that line. It was a female-only, patented and copyrighted phrase. Douglas kept giving me more reasons to feel creeped out.
“I’ll leave you be for now,” Douglas said. “But we’ll have to have a nice little chat later.” He vanished as he had appeared.
Later. Chat. Neither appealed to me. And if he really meant chat, the horns on my head were real and growing out of my skull, instead of being attached to a headband.
It took me a few moments to realize I wasn’t breathing, and as I chided myself for acting like a girl, Jared entered the communal area.
Double whammy.
I didn’t know if I had the energy to chase after him. He didn’t bolt right away, though, and instead stared across the room at me. It looked as if he were about to approach, possibly seeing something on my face after my close encounter with Douglas, but then Jared turned around, heading back the way he had come.
Oh, man. Was I fed up.
“Stop!” I closed my eyes and not only wished, but willed my desire into being. When I opened my eyes, Jared stood right in front of me, shock on his features, and everyone in the room stared at me.
I could have done without the staring, but the fact that my wish came true gave me the satisfaction that Jared wanted to be near me. The command wouldn’t have worked unless some part of him wanted to obey it.
I grabbed his arm and squeezed until he yelped, then dragged him out of the room, so the unwanted attention wouldn’t get any more of a show. No way I’d let Jared go this time until some questions were answered. Or until he screwed me to make my body stop screaming. Both might be nice.
I led him into the same bathroom he had taken me to when I’d first arrived, and made sure the door was locked behind us. Then I released his arm.
“Damn, Moira.” Jared rubbed his arm. �
�You didn’t have to be so rough.”
“Last I recall, you liked it rough.” There went the speaking-before-thinking thing again. He got quiet and averted his gaze. “Look, I know you’d like to continue playing the avoidance game, but I need some answers.”
“Like what? You better than anyone should know none of us get any answers to our own questions, let alone others’.”
“Well, then you have to help me figure it out. Why do I feel the way I do when I’m near you? One moment I want to jump your bones, and the next a sense of peace washes over me. And I have no control over any of it.”
There. I said it. I admitted to my most infamous ex-boyfriend that I wasn’t in control. The desperation that had snuck up on me had never been so bad before that I had to show what was under the surface.
“Peace?” Jared asked. Then the rest must have clicked, because the hunger flashed on his face, quickly followed by the other look, the one I dreaded.
“And why do you get that faraway look, like you’re slowly losing pieces of yourself? I hate that look.”
Admitting two big things in the space of five minutes. Bully for me.
“Moira,” he whispered. “Let’s just say it’s hard not to have a mirror held up to yourself in this place. You see all the nasty things you’ve done and it won’t leave you because you’re still that way. Lustful and ungrateful.”
This wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I punched him in the arm. “Well, break the damned mirror. I don’t want you disappearing like Emaline. You’re all I’ve got here.”
Three things. Who’d have thunk it.
For a moment, I thought I had truly lost him. It looked as if he were going deeper into himself, becoming vacant, unreachable. Then he blinked, and reality filled in, a solidity that I hadn’t known was missing until now – he was no longer far away, but up close and personal.
Jared pushed me against the counter, finding my lips with his own. He kissed me as if it would quench a thirst that had existed for an eternity.
The electricity triggered every nerve in my body. This time, I wasn’t going to stop him. Maybe I’d get some answers to my questions if I gave in to what I felt. If not, at least I’d have fun.