by Helen Karol
I was wrong.
What I should have done was ask myself the question I asked today. If I could do it all over again, if I were to have a second chance, would I do anything differently? Would I choose not to love as much in order to avoid the pain?" He gave a small laugh. "The answer came at once - not for a moment."
Claire stood, her voice tortured. "How can you be so cruel!"
He snapped his head round, startled by her reaction.
"How can you stand there, telling me you would do that for her, when you're not prepared to take any chances for me."
Comprehension dawned on him, and he crossed over to her. "Claire, you don't understand."
She pushed him away, her voice coming in sobs. "You told me that before, but you're wrong. You may not believe it, but I love you as much as you loved her, as you still do. Loving you as I do, I can understand how you feel. I can't imagine loving anyone else this way. But Julian how could you? How could you make me love you so much, knowing you could never return my feelings"
Julian could tell she was so upset that words would have no effect; this was a situation that called for action. Pulling her towards him, he stemmed any further words with the passionate comfort of his lips.
Claire struggled against him, refusing to be pacified by lovemaking. Julian held her safe and deepened his kiss, intent on using his previously restrained passion to heal her and the rift between them. He held the back of her head firmly, moulding her close to him, melding them together in a drugging, overwhelming embrace. His other arm was securely around her, keeping her close against him. Her struggles receded and he swung her up and crossed to the bed.
As he laid her down, he saw the tears tremble in her eyes and then tumble on to her pale cheeks. He wiped them gently and kissed them, tasting their salty tang with his tongue before easing it, slicking it across her lips and into her mouth. He eased in deeply possessing and filling her mouth. Probing he teased her, tempting her tongue into meeting his, sucking and pulling her deep inside him
He poured all his feelings into the kiss, his passions no longer in check, willing her to accept through his actions the truth his words had failed to convey. His hopes rose when she opened to him. He pushed home his advantage fully tasting her tongue and lips, as he held her against him pulling her body ever deeper, ever closer until at last they melted into each other and her sobs and tears were replaced by soft moans of desire.
Reluctantly he eased away from her, running his tongue and then his fingers over her full lips. They had melded so close that he seemed to have to peel off her. Her eyes were bemused as he shifted his weight from on top of her to close beside her, his upper body still above her, as he stroked her hair. He wanted to make love to her but he wanted things clear between them first.
"Claire, you don't understand. That night after the party, you thought I was talking about Susanna."
Claire moistened her lips, which were still throbbing from the passionate sweetness of his kisses. He kissed her again with a tender passion, and Claire dared to hope for the impossible.
"What were you talking about, Julian?"
His eyes brimmed with a wealth of emotion she thought lay out of her reach. "You. Fate dealt me another chance - in you. I didn't learn to love you in the same way, as instantly, as I did Susanna. It grew slowly and as you said, in stages. At first, I fought loving you at all. That's why I let you go to New York without telling you how I felt. When you came back, I knew I couldn't let you go again. It was bad enough hearing about you with another man, without someday having to watch you.
My love for you wasn't as intense then, and I told myself I could marry you and not become too involved. Others can love from a distance, I thought I could as well."
"That wasn't very fair to me, Julian."
He accepted her criticism. "I know, but my love wasn't as deep then and it was selfish. I was determined to do it my way, protecting myself with every step. That's why I made sure we got married in Las Vegas. My first act of love was a total giving of myself, a commitment, and that's how I think of it. But I couldn't be sure it would mean the same to you and I wasn't prepared to take the chance."
"I don't mind that, Julian. That was probably the right choice. I didn't think of it as a commitment then, although I feel differently now. It was the marriage that was the commitment to me. What I object to is that you didn't fully commit yourself to me even after we were married; you still haven't."
He kissed her again. “No, but I will, if you'll let me."
Claire hesitated, and sensing her indecision, he continued his explanations. "My love deepened almost immediately, our honeymoon was so idyllic. I guess I began to hope for more even then. But when we got back, you seemed more distant, and I refused to act on my hopes. When I found out about Blake, I was so intensely jealous of you seeing him every day without my knowledge, I was amazed at my reaction. It made me realise how much you were coming to mean to me. It was a lot stronger than my earlier jealously of him."
"Well, you certainly didn't show it! I thought you didn't care!"
She heard him laugh deeply at her disgusted indignation. "I think that was the supreme test of my control. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to stand there and listen to him talking about how well he knew you in New York, and answer him casually, when I really felt like ramming your paperweight down his throat?"
"It's too bad you didn't, it might have saved us a lot of trouble!" She was still angry enough with Richard to enjoy the idea of him meeting such a fate.
"You're right, you wouldn't have taken him to the party then. Although maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing – you got over Blake and things between us certainly heated up.” He punctuated this observation by running his hand possessively over her body and kissing her deeply before continuing.
“The next morning I knew our love could be as deep as that of my previous marriage, but it still scared me. The conversation we overheard did nothing to relieve my fears."
Comprehension filled Claire. "So when you talked about hiding your feelings in order not to invite disaster you were talking about us - me - not Susanna."
"Yes, and I meant the same thing earlier. You told me I was haunted by memories. You were right. But not memories of love, Claire. Memories of pain. I finally laid them to rest today in that cove where I should have done, as you said, years ago. I was trying to explain to you that I had decided that the rewards of loving you are worth the risk. I'm willing to take my chances now, Claire. I'm not too late, am I?"
His question disturbed her. He wasn't the only one with memories of pain, and her hurt was more recent than his. She answered him honestly. "I don't know, Julian. You say that now, but how can I be sure something won't happen to make you retreat again?"
He did not reassure as she expected. "That's just it, you can't be."
Dread filled her. What was he saying?
"Love doesn't come with guarantees. I found that out the hard way. Never mind the fact that either of us could die at anytime. Nowadays two out of three marriages end in divorce. The odds are against us. I can't promise you that everything will be perfect from now on. We're both human and we’ll make mistakes. What I'm asking is for you to have the faith that our love will withstand our failings." He kissed her ear. "Come on, love, take the chance." His voice dropped to a low seductive whisper. "Tempt fate with me."
Claire's heart melted. Oh yes, he was an incurable romantic. Her words came out in a low, gurgling laugh. "Oh, Julian, you make it sound like an illicit proposition."
He flashed her a seductive grin, his hand travelling up from her waist to cover her breast. "Actually, that was coming next."
Her laughter deepened, and she parted her lips to invite his kiss. He joined his lips to hers, giving himself up, at last, to the gentle master that had held him sweetly captive only once in his life before.
With the toppling of the final barriers, an irrepressible energy seemed to be released in Julian along with a passion Claire
thought might never be satiated. Her energy and passion matched his. They reached for one another again and again as if to make up for the times they had been apart. Neither slept, filling in the lulls in their lovemaking with explanations and explorations of their feelings.
Sometime during the night, their hunger for one another receded enough for them to become aware of another appetite. They collected various snack from the kitchen and ate, sitting up in bed, talking and feeding each other. Claire attempted to rid the bed of crumbs, but she didn't get very far. Her movements had a predictable effect on Julian and when he grabbed her, tossing her on her back, she quickly became oblivious to the feel of the crumbs.
At the beginning of their lovemaking, he reached for the necessary articles to prevent conception, but Claire stopped him - she wanted nothing between them, and the possibility of a child was no longer a threat, now she was sure of him. During one of their more lucid moments, she brought up the incident of the birth control pills. She was sitting on top of him, straddling him, and his knees were bent under the sheet, supporting her back. He was lying back on the pillows, one hand behind his head, the other idly caressing her, lingering here and there in particular areas.
"Julian, stop that and listen to me."
His gaze travelled slowly to her face a lazy, dreamy smile on his lips. His eyes echoed the smile, turned an intense, dark green by their shared passion. He murmured to her, indicating he was listening, but his hand continued its exploration. She captured it with her own and brought it to her cheek. She wouldn't be able to think straight much longer if he continued and she wanted to talk to him.
"Were you angry because I didn't want to have a baby right away, is that why you threw them away?"
A troubled emotion crossed his features and Claire almost regretted bringing up the subject, but she wanted to know.
"No, that wasn't my main concern. I was disappointed, sure, but it was your health I was worried about. Those things have been linked to cancer. I don't want you to use them."
She didn't argue with him, recognising the determined set to his jaw. He was normally far from overbearing willing to discuss differences of opinion in a reasonable manner, but she realised this was one stand he wasn't willing to budge from.
And now she understood why. It was a tell-tale incident, really, a clue to the problem that was keeping them apart. If she hadn't been preoccupied by her insecurities over Susanna and Julian's reasons for marrying herself, she might have realised it.
"Of course, Susanna died of cancer."
He nodded slowly. "Yes and if you'd ever seen anyone die that way, especially someone you love, desperately, you wouldn't even consider taking those risks, no matter how slight."
She laid her cheek on his chest and her heart reached out to him, sorry she had revived those painful memories in him and yet fiercely glad he was sharing them with her at last. She didn't bother putting forward evidence of improved trials and insignificant danger, nowadays. He was dealing with his fears well enough. He was entitled to hold on to some irrationality and this was one area where she could compromise.
She sat up and spoke to him, able to share her insecurities now they were no longer an immediate threat. "I thought you wouldn't love me as much because you felt it might be a betrayal of your love for her."
"No, you were way off base there. Before she died she made me promise I would marry again. At the time, I only made the promise to keep her happy; the idea of loving again was very far from my thoughts. But she knew better, she knew I'd fall in love again. And I did; with you. The reason I fought it had nothing to do with any mistaken loyalties to her."
Claire was relieved to hear of the promise. Although she felt confident with him now, she had secret doubts that Susanna's image might come back to haunt her in the future. She took a deep breath before voicing other doubts she harboured.
"I sometimes think you might find me immature compared to her."
He sat up, his hands on her upper arms, bringing her towards him, his voice serious. "Claire, just because she was twenty years older than you doesn't mean I find you immature, any more than she found me immature. Maturity isn't about age, it's about development."
She reminded him of the remarks about her being juvenile the night she had taken Richard to the party and his comments about her tantrums the day after he came back from San Francisco.
He laughed and told her. "Just because you're capable of a childish action doesn't mean you're immature - everyone has their juvenile side. In your case, it had its beneficial counterpart. That was the reason I let you slip past my defences in the first place. I didn't think of you as anymore of a threat than I would Marcie, at first. But no matter how childlike you can be, you're still very much a woman. But I was so busy enjoying the child in you, I didn't notice the woman was stealing my heart.
And you needn't worry about me comparing you to Susanna, you're way too different from her for that. I might have made the mistake of not recognising how different at times, but that's all."
Although she took pleasure in his previous comments, his last remarks puzzled her. She gave him a questioning look.
"Susanna was always insulted by my jealousy, that's why it never occurred to me you might try to make me jealous."
Claire had the grace to look ashamed.
"And my temper never really bothered her that much. She had her own way of dealing with it - she just channelled it into a different type of passion."
He paused and lowered his eyes, aware that he may have made something of a faux-pas. “Sorry, I guess I shouldn't have said that."
Claire pushed him back down against the pillows, trailing her fingers along his chest. She was basking in his love; the idea of passion he may have shared in many years past with his first wife, no longer bothered her.
"Oh, I don't know, maybe I'll try it sometime."
She moved provocatively on top of him and trailed her tongue up his throat, kissing him when she reached his lips. Sitting up suddenly, she braced her hands against his chest in an effort to stop him from pulling her back down, as he definitely intended. Her quick words stopped him more effectively than her hands.
"Did you really think I had been involved in that pile-up?"
His reply was close to savage. "Yes! And don't you ever put me through anything like that again! The time between when I first heard the report and your return was a nightmare."
He relaxed. "Although, Andrea was right. I should have taken it as an object lesson, instead of blowing up at you. It should have made me realise I should be making the most of our time together, instead of retreating. I was pretty obstinate, I know. But she did manage to get through to me. I would have come round eventually.”
"Claire bent back down towards him. "That's what she told me. Good old Andrea."
But Andrea was far from her mind. Her desire to talk to him was being replaced by a more urgent one and she was physically aware that the same desire was growing in him. She nibbled his ear and then whispered her request into it.
He pretended amazement. "Again?" But he turned them both sideways under the sheet. "You're insatiable, woman."
"Only for you," she answered him.
"I should hope so," he growled into her neck, pulling her hard against the length of him. "If I ever catch you..."
"Enough with the empty threats," she interrupted him laughingly. "They don't impress me."
"No. Well how about this..." he made one swift, deep movement, "...does that impress you?"
"Very much!" She managed to gasp before their passion rendered her unintelligible.
The early morning light was filtering through the window when they finally slept, and the sun was high in the sky when Claire was awakened by Julian's hand on her shoulder. He was fully dressed, although casually in jeans and a t-shirt, which was why it did not dawn on her immediately that it was a Monday and she should have been at work hours ago.
Sitting up with a guilty start, she told him so. Handing her
a glass of orange juice, he didn't answer her, his eyes falling to the enticing sight her quick awakening had revealed. She pulled the sheet up over her breasts. Much though she loved to see that light in his eyes, she didn't want to encourage him, she was late enough already.
"I've been up for a couple of hours and I called Stella and told her you wouldn't be in for a few days. Under the circumstances, she understood. You don't mind do you?"
Her mouth full of orange juice, she shook her head. The way he was dressed indicated he intended staying home as well, and playing hooky with him seemed like yet another excitingly illicit proposition.
"Oh and she fired Blake."
Claire swallowed her orange juice. "Good! She warned me about him; that he could be vindictive. I’ve never really liked her. I thought she was hard. I guess I misjudged her."
"No one's all hard. Some just put up more defences than others, and it takes more to get through to them." He smiled, he should know.
"Well, I don't know what it would take to get through to Richard!" She paused a frown furrowing her brow. "What are you going to do? Can you charge him with theft?"
"No. It would be hard to prove and I'd rather not have the circumstances of how he gained access to the designs revealed; it might be hard on you. And I'd rather not have it known that he had the opportunity to force himself on you because I was stupid enough to neglect you."
Claire steered him away from this subject, knowing how he felt about it; she didn't want him dwelling on it.
"What will you do about the designs? Can you sue Cecile?"
"Our lawyers talked this morning and seemingly it was one of her junior assistants Blake leaked the designs to. Cecile’s pretty embarrassed about the whole situation and very agreeable to a settlement. To tell you the truth, I'm not that upset. I was never really happy with them and now I have a perfect excuse to re-work them." A smile crossed his features. "I don't foresee any more problems now the reason for my preoccupation is settled."
Claire put down her orange juice and reaching across, grabbed him by his t-shirt. Bunching the material together in her hand, she pulled him towards her. Kneeling up to meet him, her other hand still supporting the sheet, she challenged him saucily.