“Sweetheart…” I stood slowly, making sure my movements weren’t too fast to freak her out. Her eyes were focused on me, but I wasn’t sure her attention was. She was somewhere else. Not here. Not with me. She was back there, with him. “Elodie, look at me.”
“I am,” she gritted out as she wrapped her arms around her waist.
“No, you’re not.” I moved around the bed. “You’re back there.” I tried to swallow past the lump forming in my throat, but the longer I witnessed the pain etched into her features, the bigger it became. “Don’t let him drag you back there. Be here. Be with me.” I held my hand out and halted a few feet away from her. “Let me help you, Elodie. Let me be there for you.”
“It doesn’t matter,” she choked out, shaking her head. “You’ll walk away from me.” She blew out a breath and looked down at the floor. “Everyone always walks away from me.”
“Not true.” I took another step toward her. “I haven’t walked away from you yet, and I have no intention of doing so.” My stomach churned as I waited for her to look up at me, waited for her to really hear what I was saying. “Sweetheart, please look at me.”
“I can’t,” she choked out. “I…I don’t want you to see me.”
“Too late.” My lips quirked on one side. “I see you, Elodie. I see all of you. The good, the bad, the crazy, the happy, the sad.” I paused, waiting for her, then finally she lifted her head. “I see you, and I’m still standing here, waiting for you to take my hand and let me be the one person you want to lean on.”
She flicked her gaze to my hand, and I watched as her chest moved up and down. “But what if you change your mind? What if you—”
“What-ifs are just that: ifs. No one knows what the future will hold, sweetheart, but what I know is that I want to be by your side. I want to be the one who holds your hand when we’re watching a movie. I want to be the one who holds you while you sleep. I want to be the one who wipes your tears away as you cry.” I stepped forward. “I want all of that, Elodie.” I paused and stared into her eyes. “But what do you want?”
Her gaze flickered over my face and finally settled on my eyes. “You,” she whispered. “I want you, Asher.”
“Then take my hand.” She lifted her arm, her shaking fingers reaching for me. “Take my hand and I’ll never let go.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.” Her fingers met mine, and I grasped them, tighter than was needed, but I had to make her understand I meant every word of what I’d said. I needed her to get that they weren’t just words. They were what I would live by for as long as she would have me. She stood there, staring at me, letting me see into the windows of her soul, and I felt the pain, felt the sorrow, felt everything she let me. And I knew then what we had to do.
“We need to leave,” I blurted out.
Her eyes widened. “Leave?”
“Yeah.” I stepped closer to her and wrapped my arms around her waist. “Just for a little while. My dad has a lake house. It’s a couple of hours from here, but it’ll give you the chance to heal. It’ll let us just…be together.”
“But I have school and—”
“We’ll figure it out.” I placed my forehead against hers. “Right now, you need to heal, physically and mentally, and the lake house is the perfect place for that.”
“But what about the tattoo shop? What about…” Her fingers bit into my biceps, and I knew what she was remembering that night.
“The guys can cover.” I rocked us back and forth. “I’ll head over there and pack up some of your stuff today, and then we can get out of here.”
I didn’t know what I expected her to say. I wasn’t sure how she was going to react to my idea. It had come out of nowhere, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was what we both needed. We had to get away from here, even if it was only for a few weeks. We needed to heal. We needed to be together. We needed to start over somewhere where the memories wouldn’t haunt us.
“Okay,” she whispered, and my body jerked from her voice.
“Okay?”
“Yeah.” She tilted her head back and looked up at me. “Maybe getting away from here will help?” She sighed, and I wondered if she truly believed what she was saying. “I need to…” She moved her gaze off of me and stared over my shoulder. “I need to shower first.”
“Do you…do you want me…” I grasped the back of my neck as nerves flowed through me. I’d been so confident in what I was saying, but now I wasn’t sure what she needed. I wasn’t sure whether she’d ask for help when she needed it, or whether she’d try to push through. “I…do you need help?”
Her throat bobbed as she swallowed, and I could see the anxiety swirling in her eyes. I hadn’t thought twice about touching her since I walked into this room, but now I was wondering if I should have asked her. Should I have checked it was okay? Should I have—
“I can do it,” she said, and her voice sounded more sure than I’d heard it since I’d walked into the room last night. She was determined, that much was clear. I was here whenever she needed me, but she was independent. It was what drew me to her even more. But she didn’t have to do it alone. She could lean on me. I’d already told her as much.
“I can help if you need me to.”
“I’ll be fine.” She stood on her tiptoes, placed a kiss on my cheek, and reverted back to the Elodie I’d first met. The one with fire in her eyes. The one with a determination like no one else I’d ever met. “You go and get everything else sorted out. The quicker you do that, the sooner we can leave."
I nodded, not looking away from her. I wasn’t sure whether we were running away from our problems, or trying to heal, but either way, we’d be together, and right then, that was all that mattered.
“I’ll go sort everything out and be back in a couple of hours.” I flicked my gaze down to her lips, wanting to place a kiss there, but it was too soon. For her and for me. We needed to take things slow, no matter how much I craved to wash away all the memories with my touch. Once we were away from here, we could start over, even if it was only for a fixed amount of time. “I’ll let my mom know.”
“Okay.”
I stepped back, hating that I was letting her go, but it wasn’t like I could take her with me. I was about to walk back into the shop where this nightmare had happened, and she didn’t need to be anywhere near it.
Chapter Five
ELODIE
I didn’t take my attention off him as he walked out of the bedroom. I didn’t move my gaze off the door as I heard his footsteps echo down the stairs. And I didn’t move an inch as I listened to the murmurs below me. I waited. Waited until the roar of an engine left the driveway. Waited as I heard more footsteps coming toward me. Waited with bated breath as a knock reverberated on the bedroom door. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t think. I’d told Asher I’d be fine, but it wasn’t the truth. I’d done what I always did: pulled the mask over my face and portrayed a lie.
But I had to do this on my own. I had to face the marks on my body. I had to look into my own eyes and push the pain away.
“I’ve turned the shower on for you, Elodie.” Lola’s soft voice soothed part of me but also had me even more on edge. She’d seen me at my worst in the hospital, and I was afraid to look her in the eyes again. She’d let me stay here, and she hadn’t pushed. She’d just been there if I needed her. Yet all I wanted to do was hide away.
“And I put some fresh towels on the towel heater too.” There was a beat of silence and then, “I’ll be in my bedroom, so if you need help, just shout and I can come in, okay?”
“O-okay.” I gripped my hands in front of me, trying to keep myself calm, but it wasn’t working. The bite of my fingernails in my palm wasn’t giving me any relief. If anything, it was making my anxiety worse. I opened my mouth and croaked out, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I counted to five, waiting for her to move away from the door, and when her footsteps echoed, I finally ventured to the bedroom
door. The only time I’d come out of this room was to use the bathroom, but even then, I was in a daze, not really taking note of things around me. This room had become my safe haven, the one place where nothing could get me, but as soon as I opened the door and walked out into the hallway, I wouldn’t feel that any longer.
Maybe I should have been honest with Asher. Maybe I should have asked him to stay—told him I did need his help.
I shook my head. No. I had to do this. I had to do this on my own. I’d never relied on anyone. I’d always fought my way through everything. I’d taken everything the world had thrown at me and I hadn’t given up yet, so I refused to fall at this hurdle. All I had to do was push my shoulders back and get through this.
So, I did exactly that. I reached for the door handle, then turned it. I took a step out of the room, then looked left and right. There was a door on the right at the end of the hallway, but the sound of the shower was coming from near the top of the stairs. I pulled in a deep breath, clenched my shaking hands, and moved toward the bathroom. Two doors on the right were partly open, and I remembered Asher telling me they were Cade's and Belle’s rooms when they were growing up. I wondered if they were like Asher’s and still had everything inside of them?
My heart pounded the closer to the bathroom I got, and I did everything to distract myself from what I was about to face. I hadn’t looked at myself in the mirror. I hadn’t seen anything but the few bruises on the bottoms of my legs. I knew they weren’t going to be the worst, but I hadn’t prepared myself. I wasn’t sure anything could prepare me for what I would see.
The steam filled the bathroom as I stepped inside, and I was glad the mirror was fogged up. It would give me time—time to work up the courage to wipe it away and look into my own eyes. I was scared. Afraid of what I would see shining back at me. But I had to do this. This was the first step—or maybe it was the second. The first was getting the rape kit done, so I’d already done the hardest part, right?
Wrong.
I was alone. By myself with only the marks on my skin and the thoughts in my head. I wasn’t sure what scared me more: the memories of what had happened, or the thought of swiping my hand over the mirror to reveal myself.
I closed the bathroom door, then stepped toward the vanity unit. The gray wood mixed perfectly with the modern appliances, and the black doorknobs were shiny. I wasn’t sure why that intrigued me so much. Maybe because I’d never seen a vanity like this one, or maybe because I was stalling.
“You can do this,” I whispered, and lifted my hand into the air. I gritted my teeth as my fingers shook. I was letting him win. I’d always let him win, right up until the point I’d walked away. He may have won the battle, but I would win the war. I wasn’t going to let Knox beat me down, not this time. I’d taken it from him enough over the years, and now—
Fuck. He was winning. I was giving him the trophy without even trying. I couldn’t let this happen. I couldn’t—
“Just do it,” I gritted out, and slammed my eyes closed as I swiped my palm over the mirror. I could feel the water droplets against my skin, and I knew it would only be seconds before the steam fogged it over again, so I opened my eyes, and stared right at my face.
It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The swelling was settling down, and I was used to the bruises marring my skin. It looked like the last time he’d hit me in the face, but I knew it was so different from the last time. He hadn’t taken anything from me then, but this time, he’d ripped me apart. He’d stolen from me. He’d taken something he had no right to.
“I hate you.” I narrowed my eyes at myself as the steam started to take back over, but I wasn’t sure if I was talking to myself or Knox. I’d let him peck away at me. I’d let him push me down over and over again. I should have seen it coming. I should have known he wouldn’t give up. But when you were in the thick of it, how were you meant to see it? How were you meant to know things were getting worse?
The mirror finally fogged back over completely, but I didn’t move from my position. That part was the easiest, now I had to bare myself and look at the rest of my body. The nurse had helped me shower at the hospital, but I’d kept my eyes squeezed closed the entire time. Now though…now it was just me.
My heart beat an erratic rhythm in my chest, my palms started to sweat, but I pushed through it. I pretended like it was any other day and gripped the bottom of the T-shirt I was wearing. I imagined I’d just practiced my dance routine. I envisioned the sweat on my skin was from the workout I’d put my body through and not the nerves rolling through me like crashing waves, threatening to knock me down.
Goose bumps prickled over every inch of my skin as I pulled the T-shirt over my head and threw it onto the tiled floor. I wrapped my arms around my waist, trying to give myself some comfort, and stepped into the shower. The warm water rained over me, trying to wash away the sins on my body, and it was that that finally broke the dam. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Couldn’t push it down and pretend. Tears streamed down my face. Tears of pain. Tears of sorrow.
I cried for me. I cried for Asher. I cried for every person who had had their choice taken away. I cried for what felt like one hundred hours. I cried until the tears wouldn’t fall any longer. I cried until my body gave in and I slid to the floor.
My hair was wet, my skin unwashed, and I finally glanced over my marked skin. My arms had bruises from his fingers, and scratches covered parts of me I hadn’t even realized had been hurt. I winced at the sting between my legs. The nurse had told me he’d torn me on the inside, but I hadn’t really taken anything in that she’d said. I understood now. He’d pushed his way into a place he had no right, and in the process, damaged it. The dark purple covering my ribs made me wince, and with each inhale it was as if I could feel each of his blows over and over again.
“Elodie?” My ears thrummed at the sound of Lola’s voice, but I couldn’t get my mouth open to answer her. I couldn’t do anything but stare at the marks on my skin. “Sweetie? You’ve been in there for over an hour.” I whipped my head around at the sound of the door handle rattling, but I didn’t move a single inch. “Elodie?”
I wanted to tell her I was okay. I wanted to cover my body so she wouldn’t see. I wanted to wipe at my face and the marks the tears would have been sure to leave behind, but I didn’t. I just stayed there, my gaze focused on her face as she stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.
“Oh, sweetie.” Her voice cracked. “Let me help you?” It was a question, one I answered with a blink of my eyes and a sob. I could see the pain reflected in her eyes. I could sense the knowingness she felt. And I remembered her telling me what had happened to her. I remembered her telling me how her own brother had abused her. She could relate to me, but not fully. She hadn’t had this taken from her. She hadn’t had the one sacred part she held closest to her invaded. But she knew pain. She knew pain in the same way I did.
“I’m sorry,” I managed to croak out.
“Don’t ever be sorry for the way you feel, Elodie.” She pulled her jacket off, leaving her in just her T-shirt and jeans. “You never have to apologize for that. You hear me?” I did hear her. Loud and clear. She stepped into the shower and held her hand out to me. “Stand up.”
I swallowed and slowly placed my palm against hers. She gripped it and pulled me into a standing position. I was naked in front of Asher’s mom, yet I felt just as safe as I had when Asher had held me all night long. I wasn’t scared, not right then. If anything, I felt more protected than I ever had.
She grabbed a bottle of shampoo, squirted some onto her hand, and reached for my head. And for the first time I could ever remember, I let someone take care of me. I wanted to tell her I was fine. I wanted to tell her I could do it myself, but every time I opened my mouth, another sob would rip through me and I couldn’t quite find the words.
It was only a matter of moments until she was declaring I was done and stepping out. But I couldn’t get myself to move as sh
e held a towel out for me. I couldn’t get my legs to step forward. I couldn’t overcome the fear.
A door slammed shut somewhere in the house, and I squealed, pushing myself into the corner of the shower and out from under the water.
“It’s okay, it’s just—”
“No,” I breathed out, throwing my hands over my ears as footsteps pounded up the stairs. The door wasn’t locked. She hadn’t locked the door, and I had no idea who—
“Elodie? Mom?”
“It’s just Asher,” Lola murmured. “It’s just Asher.”
I shook my head and tried to back away even farther, but it was no use. I heard what Lola was saying, but it didn’t mean my brain could fully compute it. I was naked, and vulnerable. I couldn’t let myself be vulnerable again. Not after Knox. Not after—
“Mom? Where are you?”
“He’s worried.” Lola stepped toward the door.
“No! Don’t open it!” I held my arm in the air and goose bumps danced over my skin. “Please, please don’t open it.”
“Elodie? You in there?” Knocking reverberated through the door. “Mom?”
“We’re in here, Asher.”
“I’m coming in.”
“No!” I screamed, as loud as I could, and dropped down to the floor, curling in on myself and not taking my gaze off the door. I’d been fine this morning. I’d been okay with Lola helping me. But I couldn’t let him see me like this. I couldn’t let him witness the bruises. I couldn’t.
I just couldn’t.
ASHER
Jez and Lara were standing in front of the shop as Dad pulled up outside. The last time I’d looked at this door was that night. The night that changed everything for Elodie and me. If I’d known then what I knew now, I would have done exactly the same thing. I had no regrets about that night. Nothing I wished I would have done differently—apart from not leaving in the first place.
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