‘Sorry.’ I wipe my eyes on my sleeve. ‘I can’t believe I’ve got any tears left.’
Eve squeezes my shoulder. ‘There’s nothing for you to be sorry about; it’s that bastard who’ll be sorry. You have to report him to the police.’
‘He didn’t actually do anything, did he? He kissed me when I didn’t want him to but I was there in his flat, alone.’
‘So you asked for it?’ Eve is incredulous. ‘What century are you in? A woman can have dinner with a man without sex being involved! It’s called consent! You have every right to say no.’
‘I know, I know.’ More tears splash onto the wooden floor. ‘I can’t help thinking I gave him the wrong impression by going there alone. Wish said,’ my voice clots with grief just mentioning this name, ‘Wish said I was mad to go in alone. But Raza told me Wish knew exactly what was going on. Wish left the flat so that Raza could make a move!’
‘I need a drink to get my head round all this,’ Eve says. While I blot my face with kitchen towel she pours a good three inches of Scotch into a tumbler and downs it. ‘You’re telling me Wish set all this up?’
‘According to Raza they’ve been discussing who gets to sleep with me.’
‘That doesn’t sound like Wish.’
‘Wish and Raza had bets on who could sleep with me first.’ I close my eyes but I can still see Raza’s mocking face. ‘How could they do that to me, Eve?’
‘Because they’re wankers,’ says Eve. ‘God, the more I see of men the more I like dogs.’
‘And how could Wish leave me at the flat knowing what Raza had in mind? I thought he respected me!’
Eve perches on a stool and wipes my tears away with the disintegrating kitchen towel. ‘Babes, I’m confused. This Raza, who you were thinking about marrying, seduces your sister, lies to you about everything and then tries to force you to have sex. You should be absolutely furious with him, not Wish. We should be ripping his gonads off and stuffing them down his throat.’
Note to self: never piss Eve off.
‘I am angry with Raza, but Wish set the whole thing up. He could have told me exactly what Raza was like. And he must have known about Caroline too; he even knew about Fizz! Wish let it happen! How could be betray me like that? We’re supposed to be friends.’
Oh no, more tears.
Eve rips off another length of kitchen roll. Taking it, I dab my eyes and blow my nose. Then she pours me a coffee.
I wrap my hands round the mug. ‘I’ll get my act together in a minute.’
‘You seem way more upset with Wish than you are with Raza, which doesn’t make sense.’
‘Wish is supposed to be my friend!’
‘Raza’s supposed to be much more than that! You were contemplating marrying him, for God’s sake. So why are you so upset about Wish?’ Eve’s brow crinkles.
‘Why are you looking at me like that?’
‘Unless it was never about Raza at all.’
Eve stares at me as though she’s never seen me before.
‘Are you in love with Wish?’
‘Don’t be stupid! Wish is with Minty! We’ve never been anything more than friends. That was all we ever could be. We knew that from the minute we met.’
‘Yeah,’ Eve says slowly. ‘All very logical, Mills, but since when was love logical? Anyone with half an eye can see the two of you are made for each other. It’s obvious he adores you.’
‘Being with Damien has turned your brain to slush. You don’t believe in love, remember?’
‘I’ll tell you something I do believe,’ says Eve. ‘Love doesn’t care about crap like who is suitable or available. Love isn’t logical. It just happens and even you can’t control it. God knows I tried to fight my feelings for Damien. Forties? Married? My dad’s best friend? My boss? So not a good idea. But it didn’t work because I happened to fall in love with the guy. Mills, if you love Wish, then you love him. It’s that simple.’
For a split second I’m right back at my first day at GupShup toiling over the photocopier before being rescued by Wish.
‘Is that it? Do you love Wish?’
Love.
The word snaps me back to the present, back to my livid bruises and my endless tears. Love is just a fantasy, I remind myself as I touch my sore lips, this pain and aching emptiness is the reality. I’m through with love and all my silly romantic nonsense.
‘Of course I don’t love Wish,’ I snap. ‘And I don’t love Raza either. In fact I’ve made a decision. I’m going to go back to Bradford and let my parents arrange my marriage. I’m through with dating.’
Eve’s jaw nearly hits the breakfast bar. ‘Are you off your trolley?’
‘No, I’ve just come to my senses. I’ve tried it my way and nothing but disaster. My parents can’t do a worse job. I’m sure Subhi will be a great husband.’
‘But you don’t love him!’
‘No.’ I get up from my seat, suddenly energised and wanting to get on with it. ‘And he doesn’t love me either. But he’s suitable, respectable and we come from similar backgrounds. It’s as good a starting place as any.’
‘Just listen to yourself! Suitable? Respectable? Similar backgrounds? This is the man you’re going to marry, not a business acquaintance. It’s the rest of your life, Mills!’
‘I know,’ I say slowly. ‘Which is why I want to get it right and why I’m going to marry Subhi.’
‘For real?’
‘For real, Eve.’
‘Mills!’ Raj backs away when I walk into the office. ‘Nish said you’re ill. Don’t come near! I’ve just met the most divine guy and I simply can’t get a red nose.’
‘You won’t catch it,’ I say. ‘It’s hay fever.’
‘Well stay away, darling, just in case!’
And there I was thinking I’d done a great job with my Clarins Beauty Flash and layers of cover-up. Still, it doesn’t matter what they think of me anymore because in my bag is a letter of resignation, hot off Eve’s printer and asking that I be released from the internship with immediate effect. In a few minutes all this will be nothing but a memory and I’ll never have to see any of my colleagues again.
Especially Wish Rahim.
Talking of Wish, where the Hell is he? I’ve psyched myself up for a confrontation all the way from Chelsea, playing out scenarios and scripting comments so cutting he’ll be sliced up like pepperoni. By the time I arrive at Canary Wharf I’ve reached boiling point. Let me at him!
‘Where’s Wish?’ I ask. His desk is clear and there’s no sign of the habitual motorcycle helmet.
‘They seek him here, they seek him there,’ sighs Raj. ‘The scrumptious Wish is more elusive than the Scarlet Pimpernel. Nina’s already been hollering for him, so join the queue!’
‘Where’s he gone? Look in the diary, Kareena.’
‘There’s no point.’ Kareena is busy gluing gold stars to shocking pink nails. ‘Wish hasn’t turned up.’
‘What?’
‘Wish isn’t here,’ Kareena says. ‘Look in the book if you don’t believe me. Wish hasn’t come in today.’ She shoots me a sly look from beneath eyelashes clogged with violet mascara. ‘Me and Raj thought you were skiving off together.’
‘Don’t be so bloody stupid!’
‘Sweetie, calm down.’ Raj steps between me and Kareena’s desk. ‘She’s telling the truth. Wish hasn’t shown up.’
This is totally out of character. Wish loves his job and normally he and I are the first people in the office. He makes coffee while I sit at my desk and go through the early editions of the papers. Sometimes he brings me pain au chocolat from the French café because he knows that I’ve got such a sweet tooth or–
Saheli! Stop it! You’ll drive yourself pagal.
What was it Raza said? Wish was playing the long game. Of course he was nice to me.
‘He hasn’t even phoned in,’ says Sunny, from across the newsroom. ‘Or emailed.’
I’m wrong-footed. I’d been so certain Wish would be here, b
iker boots up on the desk and charming everyone with his crinkly smile. Maybe he’s off with Raza? Looking for the next victim?
I check the plasma screen above Kareena’s desk. CNN flickers down at me while Barack Obama mouths wordlessly into the ether.
The time reads eleven-thirty, way too late for Wish to have overslept.
He must be lying low.
‘Where is he?’ I demand. ‘Somebody must know; he can’t have vanished.’
‘He’s probably in bed with Minty,’ says Kareena nastily. ‘Everyone knows those two can’t keep their hands off each other. So chill out, we didn’t really think he’d be with you. Like, as if.’
Kareena’s saved from having her keyboard shoved down her throat because Nina Singh marches in and appraises the staff with her gimlet gaze.
‘Darwish still not here, I see,’ she says. ‘But Miss Ali has decided to grace us with her presence at least.’
I decide to take the bull by the horns.
‘Nina, please may I have a word?’
‘Hold the eleven-fifty,’ Nina orders Kareena, and beckons me to follow her. Swallowing my growing nervousness I trail after her, shutting the office door behind me.
Nina settles herself back behind her desk, motioning for me to take a seat. ‘What can I do for you, Amelia?’
The letter of resignation is in my hand, the paper dry against my skin. This is it. The point of no return.
I place it on Nina’s desk.
‘What’s this?’
‘My resignation. I need to go back to Bradford.’
Nina stares at me thoughtfully. ‘Nothing unpleasant has happened to your family I hope?’
‘No, they’re fine. Thank you.’
‘So you are unhappy at GupShup?’
‘No! I love my job.’
‘I know,’ says Nina. ‘I can tell. So why this sudden desire to leave? Is it something to do with relationships?’
Oh Allah-ji. Not her as well.
I take a deep breath. Thanks to Raj, Nina’s unhappy relationship history is common knowledge in the GupShup office but I can’t help worrying that any mention of arranged marriages will upset her.
‘I’m going to get married,’ I begin, and as I plough on it feels as though I’m talking about somebody else, a stranger with my face who sits at a big desk talking about her engagement to a Pakistani doctor called Subhi and her intention to be a good wife. All the while Nina regards me coolly, her hawk-like features expressionless.
‘So,’ I finish, ‘that’s it. I need to go home as soon as possible.’
Nina spins around in her vast leather chair and silently surveys the stunning view.
‘Amelia,’ she says finally. ‘I’m going to say this to you once and once only. You are a gifted writer, perhaps one of the most gifted writers who’s ever worked for me, and you have a very bright future ahead in journalism if you so choose. I fully intend to offer you a permanent contract once you complete the internship, a contract which I suggest most strongly that you accept.’
Nina Singh, who never gives praise, has just told me that she thinks I have talent!
I wish I’d left the door ajar so Kareena could hear this!
‘Why would a talented young woman with a bright future ahead of her, a future she has worked and fought hard for, suddenly decide she wants to give it all up and accept an arranged marriage? An arranged marriage that her parents have agreed she can postpone while she establishes her career, with no pressure and no urgency? Why would an intelligent modern young woman in such a fortuitous position decide overnight to throw all that away? Unless she thought she had no choice?’
In the shiny glass Nina’s reflection catches my gaze.
‘I’m not an idiot, Amelia.’
‘I never thought you were!’
Nina spins around. ‘Then don’t treat me like one. I know something about being a vulnerable young woman in a man’s world, as I’m sure you are well aware. There’s only one reason why a woman wears dark glasses, smothers her face in foundation and has bruises on her wrists.’
Nina’s reputation as having the sharpest eyes in the magazine industry is legendary, but this is something else. No wonder no one in the office gets away with anything.
‘Don’t say anything,’ Nina continues. ‘I’m not accepting your resignation, Amelia. I want you to go away and think about this carefully. Get married if you must, that’s your affair, but sacrificing a promising career is a different matter altogether. Take a month’s leave and then give me your decision.’
I can hardly believe it. I was expecting to be bawled out for letting her down.
‘Don’t look so surprised.’ Her crimson mouth cracks into a smile. ‘I may not be quite Mary Poppins but neither am I the Wicked Witch of the West. You do what’s right for you, Amelia, but please don’t let whatever animal did this,’ she brushes her fingertips across my wrist, ‘ruin everything you’ve worked for.’
‘I won’t change my mind.’
‘In which case,’ says Nina opening her desk drawer and sliding in my resignation letter, ‘it won’t matter if I don’t open this, will it? One month, Amelia, and you can take that leave from today. Shut the door on your way out, please.’
And abruptly I’m dismissed. Nina returns her attention to her Power Mac and it’s as though I dreamed the warmth and understanding of only minutes before.
Dazed, I return to the office, pick up my bag and ignore the curious Raj. If I tell him I’m off to Pakistan to marry Subhi, he’ll freak out. Kareena will want to know every last detail and it’ll take me a month to get to the lobby. They’ll find out soon enough.
I glance at Wish’s desk, which is still unoccupied. Let him find out on the grapevine. I don’t care if I never see him again.
I ride the lift down to the lobby and wander outside. It hardly seems possible that in a matter of weeks I could be baking beneath the burnished disk of the Pakistani sun, breathing in the scent of jasmine and listening to the laughing waters of the fountains.
If I go.
I could change my mind.
Should I change my mind?
My fingers fumble in my bag for my phone. Maybe there’ll be a missed call from Wish? Or an answerphone message?
The screen remains blank. Of course it does. What else did I really expect?
I bite my lip, flip open my mobile and press the speed-dial button.
‘Mummy-ji?’ I say, my stomach turning cartwheels. ‘It’s Mills. I’ve got something to tell you. It’s about Subhi…’
Chapter 30
It’s ironic that nothing I’ve achieved in the past twenty-two years has made my parents as happy as my decision to marry Subhi. Ten A-starred GCSE grades? Yawn. Four grade-A A-levels? Whatever. A degree? Big deal. But from the second I told Mummy-ji I’d changed my mind about marrying Subhi, you’d think I’d split the atom or something. It’s really annoying to discover all those years of busting a gut to be the perfect daughter are eclipsed by something as arbitrary as agreeing to get married.
Honestly! I think, snapping my phone shut and massaging my left ear, which is ringing after twenty minutes of my mother’s shrieking, I could’ve been bunking off to go shopping or smoking behind the bike sheds for all the difference it’s made! What was the point of all that hard work?
Well, my fantastic job of course. I won’t deny I love working at GupShup and I’m still reeling from Nina’s unexpected praise but I can’t imagine Subhi will be keen on his new wife working. Most Pakistani husbands are very traditional in that respect. And even if he doesn’t mind, commuting from Lahore to London is hardly practical is it? So what’s been the point of it all?
Back home the bush telegraph will be going mad as Mum tells the good news to everyone she knows. The whole of Bradford will know by teatime. Auntie Bee will be bitching away about what a waste of time and money my education was: I should have got engaged at birth and married at twenty-one; no, make that eighteen; no, actually on my sixteenth birthday bash. Mummy-
ji is already planning my shaadi and I’ve promised faithfully to come home on Thursday so we can set the whole business in motion.
I can’t face going back into the office. Raj and Kareena will only pester me about my talk with Nina and I don’t know if I can keep my news to myself. I switch off my mobile. If Wish does phone it won’t do him any harm to discover I’m now the one who’s unavailable.
I’ll trawl the shops for a while. After the events of the past twenty-four hours I reckon the least I deserve is a little retail therapy.
‘Where the Hell have you been?’ Is Eve’s charming greeting when four hours later I stagger into the flat and dump my bulging shopping bags onto the floor.
‘And hello to you too,’ I say, flexing fingers numb from where the bag handles have cut into them. ‘I’ve been shopping.’
‘I’ve been frantic,’ says Eve. ‘You went out in such a state this morning and your phone’s been switched off. I didn’t know what to think.’
‘We were worried at work,’ Nish adds. ‘Raj said Nina called you into her office and then you stormed out. He thought you’d been sacked.’
I roll my eyes. Trust Raj to put two and two together and make twenty-two.
‘Nina gave me some time off. I told her I’m getting married and handed in my resignation. She wouldn’t accept it and gave me leave instead.’
‘Oh. My. God.’ Eve sinks onto the sofa. ‘You’re never going through with it?’
‘I told you this morning I’d decided to marry Subhi. I’m through with all the dating crap. It’s brought me nothing but misery. I’ve spoken to my parents and they’re delighted, so I’m going home on Thursday to help with the arrangements. My father says we’ll fly to Pakistan in two weeks’ time.’
Eve is stunned into silence.
Nish looks worried. ‘Are you sure this is what you want? I know Raza turned out to be a bastard–’
‘I told Nish all about it,’ Eve says quickly when she sees my face.
The Wedding Countdown Page 28