I turned to Gareth and said, ‘We must have been mad.’ He looked at me, but intuitively he knew what I meant because he said, ‘Just children – innocently playing.’
‘Not really,’ I said. In that moment I was undressing for Ifan. I remembered the desire in his eyes and how he’d kissed me. I remembered my own desire. ‘Not so innocent,’ I added and as I said that, I caught Gareth’s glance. ‘Let’s go back,’ I said, ‘before it rains.’
It was raining heavily by the time we got back to the car. I threw the waterproof jacket Philomena had lent me on the back seat and for a while we listened to the downpour and watched rain drops race down the windows. Gareth didn’t drive off straightaway and seemed to want to talk.
He said, ‘I’m glad you came to visit. I’ve missed you, you know. Why did you leave it so long?’
I didn’t answer that, but instead said, ‘I wanted to come because of the summers we spent with you and Philomena, but as well as that, because…’ I stopped. I didn’t want to say any more.
‘Because?’
‘Ifan. That’s really why I came. To remember him, as we were. I wish I could go back to how it was.’
‘Why don’t you tell me about him?’
‘I’ll only tell you if you believe me, and before, you never did.’
‘Try me,’ he said, ‘but don’t you remember, you mentioned him before. It was the night in the hotel, when I upset you. You told me Ifan was the only one who understood you and loved you. I knew then he was real.’ He was looking straight ahead.
I said, ‘Don’t remind me of that. I’m sorry.’
‘For what?’
‘My behaviour.’
‘Think nothing of it. It doesn’t matter. Not any more.’ He turned to smile at me. ‘So Ifan. Where is he now?’
‘No idea. Probably in bed with his girlfriend.’
‘You’re no longer friends? But it seems like you miss him.’
‘What do you think? Do you still read John Donne?’
‘Yes. I do. He’s an important poet. Why do you ask?’
‘You introduced me to him, indirectly, because reading your poetry books put me on to him. I like him, how he writes.’ I paused and then said, ‘That’s the only way I know about sex, because I still haven’t been to bed with anyone, not properly.’
Weirdly, in that moment I’d pushed the horrific rape out of my mind. I just wasn’t conscious of it. But I was of him. He was so close to me that I could smell him and see the rough pebbly texture of his tweed jacket. I glanced at him sideways on. He turned and looked at me. ‘Why are you telling me this, Anya?’
‘Don’t use my name. It’s better not to. I’m dangerous, you see.’
He laughed. ‘I don’t think so.’ I didn’t like that. His laughing at me. I stared ahead through the windscreen. A mood was coming over me. I looked at him coldly.
‘You’ll see. The spirit of Anya. I’ve just called her up. She tells me what to do. I’m not joking. She’s over there.’ I gestured towards my bag lying on the back seat.
‘And what is she telling you to do?’ He was teasing me. I glanced at his mouth. A nice mouth. I liked it.
‘This is what she’s telling me to do.’
He wasn’t quick enough. I leant over, put one hand behind his head, pulled his face towards mine and kissed him. It was a lingering, open-mouth kiss. It was the way Ifan had kissed me and I made sure it lasted a long time and I didn’t stop until I was ready. Eventually I pulled back. I looked at him with a slight smile because he could have stopped me, but he hadn’t. He stared at me. Perhaps he was shocked, but I was about to play games with him. The first time I’d failed. This time I wouldn’t. I’d entered another zone of being. One where I wasn’t myself. Kissing him had turned me on.
‘You shouldn’t have asked. She’d told me not to wear underwear. So…no pants…no bra. I left them off. Does that excite you? It does me. I’m old enough now and I still want you. Right now. Here in the car while it rains, in the middle of the forest, just the two of us. What do you think? Shall we make love or shall we have sex? It doesn’t matter to me. Not really. Either is okay. You know much more than me. Show me what to do, pretend you’re John Donne. What do you think, Gareth?’
I half-expected him to jump out the car and escape like when he’d locked himself in the bathroom in the hotel, but he didn’t. He said nothing and did nothing, but when I pulled up my sweater and pulled it away to expose my breasts, for several seconds he couldn’t take his eyes off them.
I leant across to him. I felt as if I was possessed. I’d become like a witch. I wanted to seduce him and I wasn’t even drunk. I said, ‘You seem shocked. Why don’t you touch me? You want to, don’t you?’
I took one of his hands and brought it to my breast. He seemed in a trance but he didn’t remove his hand. He began caressing me. I’d won. I closed my eyes and gave myself up to the sensation but just as I thought he was losing himself, he stopped. I opened my eyes, stared at him. He’d turned away and was peering through the window. The windows had steamed up and he’d cleared a space so he could see out. I was angry. Monumentally angry, when I saw that.
‘You’re a disappointment. I don’t want you to stop. Why stop? It was getting good.’ I sounded petulant.
He turned to face me. His eyes were narrow. His body tense. ‘Maybe you don’t want it to stop, but I do. It’s madness, and I’ll say why and this time you won’t cry, you’ll listen. You’re beautiful, you’re young, you’re desirable, and any man in his right mind would want to make love to you and if I knew you in some other circumstance I might do exactly what you want, make love to you. But you know I don’t see Anya. I see Echo. I don’t know who Anya is but I do know Echo and she’s still growing up and she needs protecting from herself. Understand this, because I’m not going to repeat it. I don’t have sex with children and you’re a child.’
I felt a flame of anger rage through me. He’d rejected me.
And for the second time. Without thinking, I pulled off my jumper, flung it at him, hitting him in the face, yanked open the car door and ran into the woods. It was raining and cold.
When I was out of sight of the car, I stopped and stood half-naked under a tree. I hadn’t gone far but I knew he’d come looking for me. I shivered. I didn’t have to wait long. He knew where I was but as he strode towards me, I ran off. He could outrun me and when he caught up, he flung his jacket round my shoulders. He didn’t say a word, but pulled me roughly by one arm, dragging me towards the car. Then he pushed me into the front seat and got in. He locked the car from the inside. I tried getting out but I couldn’t. I was trapped. He was breathing heavily.
‘You’ve locked me in,’ I said.
‘Yes, I’ve put the childproof locks on.’ He looked straight at me. I pushed against him violently but he sat stolidly, glaring at me. ‘Just pack it in Anya. I’ve had enough.’
We sat there, neither saying anything for what seemed hours.
Then I said, ‘Bastard. You hurt me. Didn’t you like my breasts? Is that why you covered me?’
‘Put your top on.’
‘No.’ I pulled my skirt up.
He shouted, ‘Put your top on and pull your skirt down.’ He switched the engine on, but I knew he wouldn’t drive off with a half-naked woman next to him. Besides if he did, I had other ideas and my thinking by now was well out of order. I didn’t move. I was possessed.
‘Make me… Why don’t you put it on. You’ve had plenty of practice dressing and undressing other women.’
‘I stay here until you make yourself decent.’
I twisted round in my seat and was about to hit him, but he caught hold of my wrists and said, ‘No, you don’t. Now put your top on.’
‘Why? You want me. I know you do.’
That got through. His eyes burnt through me. ‘Listen,
Ec
ho, stop playing games with me. Right now I hate you and if I never saw you again, nothing would give me greater pleasure. You’re behaving like a whore. Do I make myself clear? Do you hear me? Shall I repeat myself?’
I’d seen Gareth angry before but I never thought he would say something like that, let alone to me. I became silent. I looked away and whispered, ‘Okay.’ In that moment I saw myself through his eyes. I was shocked. I returned to my senses. I turned and looked at my bag. Nothing. It was a bag lying on the back seat. I glanced again at Gareth. He was watching my every move but he didn’t say a word. I pulled my jumper back on, pulled my skirt down and stared through the windscreen.
‘I don’t know what got into me.’
He just looked at me, turned the key in the ignition, pulled off the handbrake and the car slowly moved off. ‘I’m going back.’
‘I don’t want to go back yet. Please, Gareth. I’m not ready. Give me a few minutes.’
He switched the engine off but continued looking straight ahead.
‘I’m sorry. I feel ashamed. Please don’t tell Philomena.’
‘What gets into you?’
‘Anya, the spirit of Anya, she takes me over.’
‘Crap. Don’t talk crap. And grow up. It’s no one’s spirit other than your own. Anya is you.’ He turned and looked at me. ‘Why are you so angry? Why do you hate me so much?’
‘What are you talking about? I don’t hate you. I want you.’
He looked at me, shook his head, ‘Never, not if you were the last woman left on this planet.’
‘You said I was a child just now.’
‘Yes. You are.’ He paused. ‘I used to think I knew you when you were younger, then there was the hotel incident, and now this. I don’t know you anymore and what I see, I don’t like. There’s a hardness in you. I don’t find it attractive.’ I didn’t answer for a long time. I sat and thought about what he’d just said before I spoke. ‘Maybe there is, but so what? Maybe I need to be hard to protect myself.’
‘You weren’t protecting yourself. You were attacking me. Why?’
‘To pay you back.’
‘For what? I haven’t hurt you. You know that.’
‘For being a man. For being like the others. For abandoning me when I did nothing. For victimising me. You’re right… I do hate you.’
Gareth was silent. He seemed deep in thought, then he turned towards me. ‘Now I understand. It’s not me you hate, but who I represent.’
‘Represent? What the fuck are you talking about? Go back to Chloe and Ceri. They need you.’
‘And what about you, Echo? Who do you need?’
‘Nobody. I need nobody. I’ll get along.’
‘I don’t believe you. You’re full of bravado, but it’s bullshit, the bravado of a defiant child.’
‘You won’t tell Philomena, will you?’
He didn’t answer, so I repeated it, ‘You won’t tell her, will you?’
He switched the engine back on and reversed. I caught the look in his eyes as he turned his head to manoeuvre the car. We bumped slowly along the track back on to the road and then he turned the car towards Ffridd. We’d gone about a mile before he stopped the car and turned off the road into a farm gate.
‘Where are you taking me? Why are you stopping? What are you going to do?’
‘Nothing. What do you think I’m going to do? We’re going back to the farmhouse. Just tell me, Echo, what’s happened to you?’
‘Why should you care?’
He sighed. ‘I’ve known you since you were nine years old. I liked you, I took to you. I used to think if ever I had a daughter, I want her to be like you. I admired your quirkiness, your spirit, your feistiness. You still have those qualities, but they’ve become distorted. You use them to attack and I want to know why.’
For ten minutes I said nothing. I was weighing up whether to tell him about JF. Gareth was silent, leaning back in his seat with closed eyes.
‘Don’t fall asleep,’ I said.
He opened his eyes and for a moment and I saw a hint of amusement. ‘I’m not,’ he said.
‘What’s Ceri like? Is she like me?’
‘No, she’s not like you.’
‘Do you love her?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘There’s no “of course” about it. Not everyone is loved by their parents.’
He didn’t answer, but gave me a look before closing his eyes again.
‘How is she not like me?’
‘She’s uncomplicated.’
That shut me up but not for long. ‘Maybe I was once but that was when I was young. I’ll get my own back.’ He opened his eyes then and was looking straight at me. I continued, ‘I’m not telling you how. Wouldn’t be fair but there is someone and I’m going to terrorise him. What he did to me, he could do to others. If he hasn’t already. Revenge. That’s what I want.’
‘Are you talking about Ifan?’
‘Ifan? No, not Ifan. I still love Ifan. I messed that up.’ I looked out of the window to avoid his gaze. ‘And it looks like I’m about to mess up my friendship with you and I don’t want that. Not you. I’m sorry.’ I opened the car door and began to get out.
‘Where are you off to?’
‘I’m going to walk back. I need to be on my own.’
He leaned across and pulled the door shut. His face was so close to mine I felt that familiar feeling of panic but he didn’t touch me. ‘No, you’re not. You’re staying. I want you with me. You don’t need to run. You want to get even. I don’t know why, unless you want to tell me, but I care about you, Echo, and I’m not going to let you walk out on me.’ I stared at him in surprise. ‘Does that surprise you?’
‘After all I’ve done?’
‘Yes, after all you’ve done, which is nothing actually.’
‘I want you to kiss me.’
He turned his face away, then said, ‘No. Stop it, for
Christ’s sake. It doesn’t work.’ I glared at him.
‘You must resolve what’s gone wrong between you and Ifan. It wouldn’t work. I don’t see you like that. I don’t feel that way about you. Your heart is lost to Ifan. I can see that. I’m not Ifan and I’m not who you think I am, and who you think you want. I’m driving you back.’
‘You won’t tell Philomena, will you?’
‘Why do you keep asking me that? Why’s it so important?’
‘Because she’ll hate me if she knows the real me.’
‘Listen, Echo, we love you the way you are. Why should
I tell her?’
‘Love, how can you love me? And how can she love me?’ Gareth turned to look at me and then he said, ‘I’ll tell you something. Philomena and I have never had a child but when you started coming with your mother we looked forward to the summers because when you were there, it didn’t matter so much.’
I was silent at first. ‘You have Ceri now. But I don’t know what to say.’
He smiled and said, ‘Yes, Ceri, and if you don’t know what to say, say nothing, and keep it like that. Try it for five minutes.’
Neither of us spoke again until we arrived back at the farm.
Part Seven
What happened in the estuary with Gareth affected me deeply. I felt ashamed. Yet I had a sense of someone caring about me, of being accepted, and that was new. Just as I was leaving for the station and about to step into the cab, Philomena stopped me. ‘Don’t leave it so long next time,’ she said.
‘Maybe next time I could come in the spring and meet Ceri and Chloe,’ I said, although I knew as I said that I’d still have to deal with my, by now, familiar feelings of jealousy.
I did think about what Gareth had said, that I should resolve my feelings about Ifan. I wanted to, but I didn’t know how. It required an input from Ifan and so far, it wasn’t f
orthcoming.
I arrived back in London, switched on my computer, and there was a new song – Etta James singing ‘Body and Soul’. I played it over and over. I loved that song, especially the lines ‘my heart is sad and lonely’. I’d never been particularly romantic but as time passed, I was becoming more so. I realised I was in love with Ifan, but I was apprehensive. We couldn’t go on like this, communicating through the computer, exciting though it was. At some point we had to meet up and as Gareth said, sort out what was going on between us. But I wasn’t ready to contact him. I feared being rejected.
Gareth’s observation that I’d become harder made sense and from his point of view, he was right, although I saw it as becoming tougher. I’d lost my innocence, but what hadn’t
changed were my feelings of revenge towards JF. I was as determined as ever to punish him; he had to know how I felt when he raped me.
It was a week later and I opened up YouTube and listened to ‘Every Breath You Take’. It could have been written for me, the words were almost perfect, not all of them but enough to frighten him. The song had a possessive menace. JF had had my body without my consent or participation and without love; now I was about to have him, albeit in a different way. I was going to screw him, not just for my own revenge but for all women who’d been hurt, tricked, used and abused by men. My way was the slow burn approach but such was his arrogance, it would take a while before he understood he couldn’t do what he liked, and not everyone admired him.
I wanted to make sure his computer was infected. I knew he’d be working in Hackney that night and that probably he’d open his computer after his day’s work. His last client would leave at eight.
I looked out of the window. It was dark, nearly six. I had just over an hour to get there. I remembered his white Apple Mac lay on a table just under the window. Sometimes he pulled down the blinds, sometimes he left them. I had to see his reaction. I wanted to see the fear in his eyes. I’d be watching him, every breath he took, and every vow he broke.
This was to be special so I prepared meticulously. I had to wear something dark so I could dissolve into the shadows. I pulled on black jeans, a black parka and pushed my hair under a black beret. I came across a mask in a box, one I’d forgotten about. I’d used it once at Halloween when I was a student. It was red, made of rubber, and was a realistic copy of the terrorised and tortured face in Munch’s The Scream. I pulled it over my face and looked in the mirror. It was grotesque. Nice one. I put my Anya bag and my perfume Coco Mademoiselle in my backpack.
My Name Is Echo Page 23