by Annie Jocoby
I sighed, tears welling up in my eyes. “I was the first one there, of course, because she lived across the street. Then, when each kid came to the party, and saw me there, she apologized to each one for my being there. Right in front of me, she told each one that she was sorry that she invited me, but her father made her invite me, because of the fact that I was at the bus stop with her every day. That memory is burned in my brain to this day.” I realized that I was really crying now, and Dr. McCormick handed me a Kleenex. I blew my nose, surprised that this long-ago memory could still affect me so much.
“Why does this story affect you?”
“Well, I just wanted a friend. I really wanted to be popular, but that was out of reach, so I just wanted any friend. I thought that she actually liked me, so that was why she was inviting me to her party. It was pretty crushing to find out that this was not the case. It was humiliating.” I shook my head. I was 10 years old when that happened, but it was like it was yesterday.
Dr. McCormick looked at her watch. “I’m terribly sorry, but our time is up. Would you like to schedule next week?”
“I don’t know. I’ll have to give you a call.”
I walked out of there, the memory of my lack of popularity still burning in my brain, and still not really sure why I chose the men that I chose. But I did have the breakthrough that I was the one choosing them, not the other way around.
But what did that have to do with Ryan? He seemed like the most normal guy in the world when we met. I had no idea about his hidden issues at this time. Perhaps I sensed it. Perhaps I always managed to sense when a man had an edge, or had issues from the past. Even when I first met them. There was a part of me that recognized this about them, even before I could figure out who they were and what they were about.
I didn’t attend therapy for the next few weeks.
Instead of therapy, I threw myself whole-heartedly into the pit bull rescue group. They were happy to have me working more again, as I was slacking off some after I met Ryan, I was ashamed to admit. I did five rescues in one week. One was abandoned, two were in a dog-fighting rings, and two others were strays who were staying at temporary homes. All of the dogs were friendly, even the ones who were in dog-fighting rings. Doing this work always made me feel important, and gave my life meaning, so it was good therapy for me. It was also a great way to take my mind off of Ryan.
I also tried to date. I dreaded the prospect, but I couldn't pine away for Ryan forever. I had to get back on the horse, so to speak. I just hoped that I wouldn’t start crying in the middle of it.
Date #1. An accountant. Dweeby but cute. Was going ok until….
“So, what do you like to do?” I asked him.
“I like to go to NASCAR races.”
“What else?”
“That’s all, really.”
Date #2. Another lawyer. Was going fine until…
“Could you give me a pair of your underwear?”
“Uh, uh…”
“I need you to wear the underwear for about a month straight, then give it to me.”
Yeah, sure, buddy, I’ll be getting right on that one.
Not.
Date #3. A professor. We hit it off until….
“You know, you would have been considered to be a very beautiful woman 100 years ago.”
“Why only 100 years ago?”
“They liked bigger women back then.”
“I wasn’t aware that 25 extra pounds is considered to be bigger, but, ok.”
Then, one day, in late October, I got a phone call.
Not from Ryan, but from Alexis.
Chapter Twenty
“Hello? This is Alexis.”
“Hey,” I said without enthusiasm. She caused this, after all. Or, then again, perhaps I should be grateful for her, because, without her, I would have never suspected what was going on.
“I wanted to apologize for that night.”
“Not a problem.” I was long since passed that.
She was silent for a long time.
“Is there anything else? I have things to do.”
“Yes. Um, I was wondering if you could meet me for lunch.”
Lunch? With Alexis? Oh, hell no.
“No offense, Alexis, but I…”
“Listen, I’m not asking on my behalf. I’m asking for Ryan.”
My heart stopped for a second. Then I could feel myself hyperventilating. “What do you mean?”
“He asked me to call you.”
Why would he ask her to call me? He doesn’t even like her.
“I don’t understand.”
“Meet me at Sullivan’s at noon tomorrow. I’ll be there. I hope that you’ll be too.” And she hung up.
Well, that was weird. Of course, I wouldn’t meet her. The last time I saw her, she was absolutely crazy.
Still, Ryan told me that she suffered from bi-polar disorder. That particular disease was something that I understood. I grew up with that. I lived with that. Not myself, of course, but my sister and people around me. My heart kinda went out to her. That was a tough break, having to live with a disease like that. It was so hard to treat, and even harder to diagnose.
I didn’t really hate Alexis.
I understood her.
In spite of myself, I walked into Sullivan’s the next day at noon. It was a Saturday, so there was a large lunch crowd of people who ordinarily wouldn’t have the time for long, leisurely lunches. I saw her there, sitting in the back. She stood up and waved as I walked through the door, like she was waiting for me to arrive.
I made my way back to where she was. Alexis wasn’t wearing much makeup for once, but she was more beautiful than ever. She was dressed down, wearing a simple sweater, jeans and boots, and a Louis Vitton purse. Her blonde hair was pulled up in a ponytail.
She still would turn every head in the place.
This is Ryan’s ex-wife. This is who he should be with. They really should just get back together. They look right together. He doesn’t look right with me.
I felt inferior to her, as usual. I, too, was wearing a sweater, but it was a sweater that I had picked up from a thrift store. The weather was getting crisp, as it was in late October, and the cold weather was soon to be upon us. As it was, the temperature was in the 40s outside. My pants were a little tight, as I was eating my way through my stress over the lack of direction in my life.
At the same time, I felt a little proud to be joining her. It was like the most popular cheerleader in school inviting me out to lunch in high school. I didn’t belong there, talking to her or talking to Ryan, for that matter, and somehow, there I was.
I found myself feeling nervous for some reason.
She was smiling. She had already ordered me a drink. A dirty Keitel One martini. “Ryan told me how much you love these drinks, so I took the liberty to order you one. I hope that you don’t mind.”
“Not at all.” I sat down, then downed the drink. I was going to need this drink.
Her blue eyes got wide. “Look at you! You go, girl!” She gestured to the waitress. The waitress was right there. “She needs another drink.”
Like the first date with Ryan, I started to relax. The place was filled with people, talking, laughing. There were large parties who were getting boisterous, celebrating this event or that. It felt like a festive atmosphere. Plus, there wasn’t any pressure, really. It was a woman I was meeting, not a potential mate, so I felt a bit more relaxed. I found myself getting in a good mood, in spite of myself.
I had another drink. I was now feeling a lot more relaxed. “So, girl, what’s up?” I slurred.
She was smiling still. “I wanted to apologize about that last night we saw each other.”
“Yes, you said that over the phone. What’s really up?”
“Well, as I said, Ryan asked me to call you and talk to you in person.”
“I don’t understand. You guys aren’t getting along.” I didn’t tell her that I knew about the blackmail. Somehow, I wasn’t
quite that drunk to accuse her like that. I also knew that if I brought that up, our conversation wouldn’t go as well.
“Iris. Ryan and I have known each other since we were kids. I met him when we were both 13.”
I didn’t know that. I mean, he told me that they dated on and off, and did drugs together. I didn’t know that they went back that far. Then I suddenly remembered that Ryan had once told me that he met Alexis in middle school.
She went on. “We might not always get along, but we always get each other.”
“So, you guys have been talking?”
She looked embarrassed. “Well, yes. My meds…Ryan told you about my illness, right?”
I nodded.
“Anyhow. My meds were not quite right, so I spent a couple of months manic. I was off my rocker, unfortunately. And, I was doing way too many lines. Which, of course, made it that much worse.”
I looked at her silently.
She continued. “It all came to a head. I was wired and out of my mind. I humiliated Ryan and probably scared you to death. And I’m sorry.”
She seemed completely sincere. “Apology accepted,” I said, putting my hand on hers briefly, and touching her forearm.
Alexis continued. “I also said some things about you. That was really not called for.”
“Oh, you didn’t say that much about me.”
“I called you a toad. You aren’t a toad.”
I felt a bit embarrassed. “Thanks for saying that.”
We both got another drink. She continued. “Apologizing to you isn’t the only reason why I’m here.”
I nodded. Of course, there was something else.
Go on.
“As I said, Ryan asked me to call you and meet you. I owe him this much.”
“I don’t understand.”
She sighed. “I’ve treated him really shitty. He doesn’t deserve that. He’s never been anything but kind to me.” She shook her head. “He doesn’t deserve the way that I’ve treated him,” she repeated. “So, when he asked me to do this, I agreed.”
“But what does he want you to tell me?”
“He wanted me to explain things to you. He doesn’t have the words to tell you everything.”
Everything? There’s more?
Of course there’s more. There’s something going on with the dad. Is Alexis going to finally tell me about that?
“What more is there to say? He has a male lover. It doesn’t get much worse than that.”
“I want you to understand why Nick is so important to him.”
“I know about that. Nick saved him.”
“Yes. But you don’t know the whole story.”
“Why don’t you tell me?”
“I knew his father,” she began, after hesitating for what seemed like a lifetime. “I met Ryan soon after his father divorced his mother. His father was…” She trailed off, visibly shaking. She gestured for the waitress, who was there in a few seconds. She ordered another drink for us both.
Was what?
She began again. “His father was very sick. Very sick. Ryan….well, his mother protected him when he was younger. Then, when they got divorced, there was nobody to protect him. Ryan was on his own, because his sister went with the mother when Benjamin and Maggie got divorced.”
He has a sister?
She continued on. “His father did terrible things to him. When his father was with his mother, he physically abused him. He used to beat him with a belt for the tiniest things. If Ryan didn’t wake up right at 7 AM, there would be hell to pay. If Ryan did not come to dinner at precisely 6 PM, there would hell to pay. Benjamin sometimes would just yell at him, but, sometimes, he did much worse.” She shook her head, angrily. “Benjamin was a sick, twisted, sadistic son of a bitch.”
I braced myself. There was more.
“His mother didn’t agree with what Benjamin was doing, of course. His mother was a very kind woman. She was in over her head, though. She didn’t quite know how to protect Ryan and Sarah. Sarah was four years older, and she was terrified of Benjamin. Maggie was terrified of Benjamin as well. Everybody was afraid of him.”
I started to feel nauseated.
She continued. “Maggie and Benjamin divorced when Ryan was 10. I’m sure that he told you about that.”
“Yes, yes he did.”
“Well, Ryan found this out later, when he was an adult, but Benjamin threatened Maggie when she left the family. Benjamin told her that he would have Sarah kidnapped and killed if Maggie had contact with Ryan. Benjamin said that he would make it look like the person who kidnapped and killed her had it out for him because of his wealth. Maggie believed him, so she completely cut off contact with Ryan.”
Now I was shocked. I expected that Benjamin would be a bastard, but was not prepared for how much of a bastard he really was. I mean, who does that?
“Meanwhile, Benjamin told Ryan that Maggie didn’t love him, and that she left because of him. Ryan was only 10. He didn’t know better. He believed what Benjamin told him about his own mother.”
The waitress was back with our drinks.
“This next part is something that Ryan repressed for years. It has just now been coming up in therapy.”
I found myself still questioning her sincerity. Why would Ryan tell her all of this? What if she was lying about everything?
She continued. “Benjamin…well, Benjamin was lonely after Maggie left.” She shook her head. “Ah, fuck it. Benjamin was a sick pervert. He used to ask Ryan to invite young girls over to the house, and Ryan would do that. He would invite some girls that he knew in school. Then, Benjamin would molest them, would rape them. He got away with it because he was rich. The kids would tell, the mothers would get a new car, or whatever, and that was that.”
I wanted to wretch. Now I was also visibly shaking. I felt hot tears welling up.
Alexis shook her head, tears in her eyes. “Benjamin continued to physically abuse Ryan. Scalded him with hot water, burned him with lit cigars, beat him, verbally abused him. Always told him he was a worthless piece of shit, always told him how much he hated him. What Benjamin did to Ryan was bad enough. However, Benjamin did even worse things.”
Worse? How could it be worse?
She went on. “Benjamin would have sex parties at his house. I know that you’ve never seen his house.”
I shook my head. “No, I’ve never seen his house.”
“Benjamin’s house makes Ryan’s house look like a fucking guest house. Benjamin’s house is one of those 30 bedroom jobs, which sits on 10 acres of land. A very private place to live. So, when he had his guests over for these sex parties, there were never any neighbors to complain. Also, there were never any neighbors to hear Ryan scream.”
I involuntarily put my hand to my mouth, then halfway covered my eyes in distress. Just the thought of my beautiful Ryan going through that made me want to find the man who made him suffer and make him suffer worse than anything he put Ryan through.
Burning that man at the stake would be too merciful.
She went on. “Well, Ryan started growing into his looks about the age of 13. That was when I met him. He was going through puberty, becoming a man. He was always a cute kid from the pictures I saw, but he really started becoming a handsome young man when he hit 13.”
I drew a breath. Somehow, I knew that what was to be revealed next would be even more horrible than was she told me before.
“Ryan was forced to attend these parties. His father promised Ryan that he would leave him alone if Ryan would entertain his guests. He saw that Ryan was becoming handsome, and he, uh, wanted to entertain his lady clients, so to speak.”
Now I wanted to seriously hurl. I thought about excusing myself to go to the bathroom to decompress, but wanted to hear the rest of the story. Yet really didn't want to hear it, because I was becoming more and more depressed by the second.
She went on. “Mind you, these were the upper crust of society. Doctors, bankers, lawyers, businessmen, CEOs. The
se were the kinds of people who would attend these parties. These were not the low-lifes on the street. These were the most respected people in the city. Plus, these people came from all over the country to attend these parties. They would come from Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, Dallas, DC, Seattle, Pittsburgh – from everywhere around the country. They would fly in to attend these parties. And Ryan was made the guest of honor.”
She rolled her eyes. “It makes sense, if you think about it. The men at these parties were middle-aged, paunchy, losing their hair. The women were the same way. Everybody was horny. Granted, the goal of these parties was for everybody to hook up with somebody, and all of Benjamin’s bedrooms would be full of people during these parties. They would be doing threesomes with one another, while somebody else watched. Some of the rooms were reserved for bondage and discipline practices, and Benjamin would outfit these rooms with whips, chains, body bags, nipple clamps, leather suits, handcuffs, sex swings, you name it. Those were the hard-core rooms. Other rooms were more romantic, with fireplaces, wine and sunken tubs, where couples could just swap for the night. There were four-ways, and straight men blowing other straight men while their wives watched. Sometimes the wives would get gang-banged by four or more men while their husbands would watch.”
I was just staring, shocked. Is this how the upper class lives? She continued – “And here Benjamin had this beautiful young man living with him. It was like a prize for everybody. Benjamin would force Ryan to attend these parties, and he would force Ryan to do things with the people at these parties against Ryan’s will. And it didn’t matter who was doing the requesting – men, women, married, single, gay, straight. Whoever it was who was asking to have a turn with Ryan, his father obliged. And Ryan was too scared to say no.”
I started to feel that I was living in a dream. This story could not have happened. My Ryan could not have suffered like this.
She went on. “There was one lady in particular who attended these parties. She pretended not to be interested in Ryan. She was the only one, mind you. Everybody was into Ryan – every man and every woman there wanted to be with him. But she held back. She went to Ryan one night, and asked him if he would like to come home with her. Of course, Ryan said yes. He would’ve done anything to get out of there.” She shook her head “He was only 14 at this time. He’d been attending these parties, on a regular basis, for over a year, at the time that she came to him to ask him to come home with her.”