by Annie Jocoby
“Of course. I know this. But Nick can’t help how he feels, so he’s just going to keep abusing you. You don’t have to take it, you know.”
I knew that. Why was I still there? Would it be so bad to stay with my parents, Dalilah and me living together in a 10 x 10 room? It would certainly be better than living here in this beautiful, glorious mansion that had become my prison.
“You’re right. I need to leave, and soon.”
Just then, the sound of the piano drifted through the open door. It was Nick, pounding on the keys. He was playing a particularly passionate rendition of a Tchaikovsky piano concerto. I always knew how Nick was feeling when he played that piano, as it was always an extension of his emotions. When he was happy, it was light Chopin, Mozart, Beethoven or Bach sonatas. When he was angry and frustrated, he tended towards the Russian composers – Stravinsky, Tchaikovsky and Rachmaninoff. These were complicated pieces, full of passion and angst, and he played them all brilliantly.
Alexis listened for awhile, too. “You know, Nick and Ryan are so goddamned talented. Ryan’s paintings always made me cry. And Nick – he’s a concert-level pianist without even trying, really. I always admired both of them for their gifts. I wish I had some of my own.”
I smiled. “Me too. There really isn’t anything that I’ve mastered in my life. Not like them, anyhow.”
Alexis then spontaneously hugged me.
I hugged her back. “What was that for?” I asked with a smile.
“Just for being you. Normal. Not a superachiever. Not rich. Just….normal. And for caring enough to make sure that I stay med compliant. I really couldn’t do it without you.”
“Well, I certainly have had my experience with med compliance, so it’s not a big deal.”
“Whatever. I just wanted to say that you’re kind of my hero.”
I smiled, and knew that she was kinda my hero, as well.
Chapter Twenty
Ryan
I had just left Pamela’s house, and I called the limo to take me over to Nate and Nat’s. I had to see them before I left, but I only wanted to stop by. I needed to tell Natalie how sorry I was for all the leading on I did to her during our college years, and I wanted to see for myself that she was happy. So, I had to drop in on the two of them before I headed home.
I was so looking forward to being home. Not just because the love of my life was there, but also because there was something important, so important, that I had to do when I got there. Pamela’s words rang in my ears – that regrets served no purpose, and that I had to move forward. I would do that, but only after the last piece of the puzzle was put into place. Then, and only then, would my closure be complete.
But, seeing Nat and Nate would be first.
I got to their apartment and rang the doorbell. As with Pamela, I was taking a chance that nobody would be home. But, as with Pamela, that fear was unfounded as Nate opened the door.
“Ryan!” he shouted, then enveloped me in a huge bear hug. “Wow, this is a shock. What are you doing here?”
“I was in town for something very important. So, I needed to drop by and see you guys before I left.”
“What was so important?”
“Long story.”
Nate looked at me skeptically. “There’s something up. You don’t look so good. You’re not….”
“On the smack again? No. I look this way because, I, uh, was shot about a month or so ago. I flatlined on the table, but the surgeons brought me back. I’ve spent my recovery time obsessing about everything in my life I did wrong. Which brings me here.”
“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Shot? What happened?”
So, I told him the story of Andrew.
“Shit. Shit. Shit. Wow.” He just stood there, looking at me with his mouth agape.
Then Natalie came in the room, her baby in her arms.
“Ryan, uh, what a surprise.”
“Hi, Nat,” I said, going over to her and kissing her lightly on the cheek. “How are you?”
“I’ve been better. Been up for 24 hours with a colicky baby. And you?”
I looked at Nate. “Uh, Nat,” he said. “I’ve got something to tell you.” Then he led her away to another room. About ten minutes later, Natalie came bursting through the French doors that led into the living room. “Ryan, are you ok? God, Nate just told me what happened. Are you alright?”
“Yes, yes, yes. Don’t worry about me. I’m an old pro in getting shot, you know.”
“Don’t joke about that. It’s not funny. Why are you here? You need to be in bed somewhere, recovering. Why are you here?”
“I really can’t go into that. But I needed to see you both before I left. And, Nat, I needed to say something to you that is very serious.”
“What’s that?”
“I, uh, never treated you very well in college. I used you. You loved me, and I used you. I’ve come to terms with how I treated you, and it wasn’t pretty. I wanted to apologize for that from the bottom of my heart. You didn’t deserve the way that I treated you. Nobody did, but you, least of all.”
Natalie said nothing, just stood there with tears in her eyes. “Thank you,” she said quietly. “Thank you for acknowledging my feelings.”
“If it makes you feel any better at all, I always loved you as well. Not like you loved me, of course, but as a close and special friend. I hope that we can always have that with each other.”
“Of course,” she said. Then she gestured to Nate, and took his hand. “Nate and I are in a really good place right now. We went through about a million hours of marriage counseling, but we’re finally rock solid. So, in a weird way, what happened with you and me last year happened for a reason. Nate and I are better than ever.”
“I’m glad,” I said. “That’s all I wanted for you and Nate. To be happy. And, you are. I love you both, so I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to see the two of you doing so well.”
Nate and Nat both smiled. “Group hug,” Nate said, and Natalie put Christopher in his swing, as the three of us embraced for what seemed to be the longest time.
After I left their apartment, my load felt lighter still.
It was now time to face what would be the final piece of the puzzle, so that I could go back and be the husband that my beautiful wife has always deserved.
Chapter Twenty-One
I’m back in Kansas City, and, as I’m getting into my car, my heart is heavy for what was about to happen. I felt panic rising, and I had to talk to myself and tell myself that I was doing the right thing.
I approached the area where I had stored Mia’s things. Everything that Alexis and I had bought Mia was in this storage area. I hung my head and called Alexis.
“Hello?” she said.
“Hi. Uh, I need you to meet me at the storage area. Please don’t say anything to Nick or Iris.”
“Of course. I’ll be right there.”
Alexis arrived about a half hour later. She just looked at me. “You’re ready?”
I nodded. “Yes. Finally.”
Then, together, we unlocked the area. I stepped in and fingered everything in there. I took out each dress and held them up to my face. I picked up each stuffed animal and hugged it tightly.
This time, I didn’t try to stop the tears. Yes, I was a man, but I had emotions that had to come out.
Alexis stood there. Her tears matched my own.
I smiled, picking up a mobile. “Remember this? We went shopping that one day, and Mia picked this out herself. She was so fascinated by all the colors on this thing.”
“Of course. How could I forget?”
I picked up a stuffed animal. “I won this for her at that county fair.”
And another stuffed animal. “I think this came from one of those machines in a Chinese restaurant. You know, with the metal claw.”
“And the crib,” she said. “God, remember how long it took for us to put that thing together?”
“Yeah,” I said. “You and I were both ready f
or a cold brew after that one.”
We both laughed.
Alexis and I went through Mia’s things, piece by piece, reminiscing about what all these items meant to us. Each of us had vivid memories about everything – where they came from, what we were doing when we bought them, etc.
Then, we both looked at each other. “It’s time,” I said.
She nodded. “I know.”
Then, I got the boxes out of my Escalade, and put each item into them carefully.
We drove along in silence to the Salvation Army. I reached out and held her hand. She was staring out the window, but she looked at me and smiled wanly. “We’re doing the right thing.”
I said nothing, just looked ahead.
I parked in front of the store. I looked back and saw that Alexis was holding one of the boxes, and stroking her hand on the top of it.
I walked into the store, Alexis right behind me. I addressed the clerk. “Uh, we have some things that we need to donate. Some infant things.”
“Ok,” he said. “Is that all there is?”
“No,” I said, gesturing to Alexis, who was right behind me and carrying a box. “This box needs to go, too. And, if you could get some men out here, there’s a lot of furniture in my Escalade as well.”
“Great,” he said. “I’ll go out there with you.” Then he called to another guy who was on the floor. “Need some help with a donation, Sal. You busy?”
“No,” Sal said. “I’d be glad to help.”
Then the four of us worked together to unload everything. The rocking chair, the crib, the chest of drawers, the bookcase and the armoire. It took us about a half hour to unload everything.
“This is mighty fine furniture,” Sal said. “Beautiful quality. Some little girl will be lucky to get this stuff.”
“Yes, she will,” I said. “Please don’t overprice it. I want this furniture to go to somebody who is truly needy.”
“What would you consider to be overpriced?”
“Over $20 for any one item. That’s important. I would appreciate that.”
“You got it,” he said, as he took out some tape and put $20 on it in black magic marker.
“Thanks,” I said.
I got back to the Escalade, where Alexis was waiting for me.
I smiled at her, and she smiled back through her tears.
I took one last look at the Salvation Army’s front door. “Goodbye baby Mia,” I said, softly. “I love you, and I always will.”
And I put the Escalade into gear and headed home.
I was finally free.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Iris
I’m in my room, packing my bags. There was absolutely no point in my staying under this roof with Nick even a second longer.
Dalilah was in her playpen, watching every move I was making.
“We go?”
“Yes, we go.”
“Where?”
“To nana’s house. You want to see nana, don’t you?”
“Yes, nana. I want to see nana. Why we leave Uncle Nick?”
“We just can’t be here, anymore, that’s all. Besides, nana misses you. She talks about you all the time.”
“I miss nana. But I miss Uncle Nick, too.”
“I know, baby. I know. But we have to go and stay with nana.”
I sighed. I wasn’t looking forward, at all, to what was about to happen. There was so little room at my parent’s townhouse for us. Yet, going to a hotel was way too depressing. I needed to be around people who cared about me. I needed to be able to think, and not stare blankly at sterile hotel walls.
I felt my world falling apart. Aside from the very brief conversation that I had with Ryan, I hadn’t talked to him for several days now. And, even before that, I didn’t really talk to him. It was me talking, and him ignoring me.
Was I alone again? Would I always be alone? Could I do this – raise Dalilah alone?
I couldn’t breathe. I sat down on the bed, and put my head in my hands. I couldn’t do this. I just couldn’t do this.
Dalilah was looking at me with scared eyes. “Momma?” she said, tentatively. “Momma okay?”
I smiled through the torrent of tears. “Yes, baby,” I lied. “Momma ok.”
Then, I picked up my suitcase in one arm, and Dalilah in the other, and left through the back door without a word.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“Hi, mom!” I called, as I came through the door of the townhouse.
“Uh, oh,” she said. “What happened now?”
Poor mom. She had whiplash from all the changes that happened as well.
“I don’t know, mom. I don’t know. I can’t even begin to explain what has been going on at Nick’s house.”
“What’s going on? Where’s Ryan?”
“I don’t know.” Then the tears came in a flood. “I don’t know, mom, I don’t know. I mean, he’s okay, I guess, wherever he is. But I don’t know where he is. I mean, I talked to him on the phone, briefly, but he gave me no information at all. He could be in Timbuktu right now for all I know.”
My mother got quiet, which was unusual for her. “What’s going on, Iris? I know that Ryan was home, because you brought him home. But every time I talk to you about him on the phone you always put me off. What’s going on between you two?”
I started to hyperventilate a little bit. “I don’t know, mom. I think that he doesn’t love me anymore.”
“Why would you think that?”
“He’s just different now, mom. Ever since he was shot, it has been so hard to reach him. I’ve tried so hard to talk to him and engage in conversation, but he ignores me. He watches television while I’m trying to talk to him. I don’t think that he’s even watching the television, either. I think that he just wants to shut me out. I don’t know what to do.”
“Honey,” my mother said. “He went through something life-altering. He almost died. Do you understand that? He almost died. Let me repeat that. He.almost.died. He’s obviously going through something right now, but you cannot take that personally. I’m quite sure that he didn’t magically just fall out of love with you for no reason at all.”
“I don’t know, mom. It has happened before,” I said, thinking about Travis. Travis was a guy that I lived with for two years and thought that I would marry. Then, one day, seemingly out of the blue, he informed me that I had to move out. Later on, much later on, I found out why – he had found somebody else, and, the second I moved out, he moved on with her. And virtually moved in with her, as he started staying with her every single day and night.
“Ryan isn’t Travis. He’s not some slime who would go behind your back and run around on you. He’s a good guy. He wouldn’t do to you what Travis did.”
“But how do I know? I just don’t know, mom. I love him so much, and I think that I would sooner die than lose him again. But I just don’t know what to think anymore.”
“Don’t sit there and think the worst. See what he has to say when he comes back from wherever he is. It all might have a logical explanation.”
I took a deep breath. “Thanks, mom. But, I, I, I can’t go back to Nick’s house.”
She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “And why not?”
“I just can’t. Nick is…”
“Nick is what?”
“Nothing, nothing. He just has a lot on his plate, that’s all. With his divorce and everything. He’s under a lot of stress and he’s making more stress for me.”
“Well, more stress is not what you need. I don’t know where you’re going to stay, though.”
“In Tad’s room.” Tad is my nephew, and he used to live there with my parents and my sister, who is his mother. He moved out several years ago, though, so whenever I came home to stay for a little while, I stayed in his tiny room.
“That room doesn’t have space for Dalilah’s things and your things. Where is the crib going to go?”
“I don’t know, mom. I don’t know much right now. I only know
that I just can’t be there with Nick right now. I’m about to go crazy.” Then I thought about Alexis. I was leaving her high and dry, and there was the chance that she might slip up in taking her meds and be right back to where she was before. I felt selfish when I thought about that. But, at the same time, I felt that my mental health was rapidly declining, and, soon, I would be no good to her or anybody else.
Thinking about Alexis, I told my mother that “Well, on second thought, I might leave and go back to Nick’s in a couple of days. Alexis wasn’t there when I left, but, when she gets back, she needs me to make sure that she doesn’t slip up in taking her meds. So, I might not be here for as long as I at first thought.”
She nodded her head. “Of course, you’re welcome to stay as long as you want. It’s just that there isn’t a ton of room here, as you know.”
Nevertheless, I went into Tad’s room and set up Dalilah’s crib while she watched me from the playpen. There was just enough room for the crib, and there really wasn’t much more room to get around in that space. The crib blocked the entrance to the closet, so I had to get to the closet by going crawling along the bed. Then I opened the tiny closet, and put some of mine and Dalilah’s things in there. There wasn’t much room in there for any of that, either, and there was no space at all for her little bookshelf.
She sat there in her playpen, looking at me intently, her hand in her mouth. I wondered if she knew my dilemma here – that I couldn’t really stay here because it simply wasn’t logistically possible.
I laid down on the bed, hoping that Dalilah could keep herself busy with her little puzzles and games, and I could get a little peace and quiet time to rest my aching head. Thankfully, she seemed to be in a quiet mood, so I felt myself falling asleep.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ryan
After Alexis and I were done with giving away baby Mia’s things, I decided to take her out to eat, which was something she and I hadn’t done in awhile. Just the two of us, anyhow. It was clear that she really needed some kind of comfort and solace, and I felt for her. We weren’t married anymore, and I didn’t love her like a wife or girlfriend, but I did love her as a friend. How could I not? She saved my life as much as Nick had. It was her idea for me to live with Nick all those years ago, so my getting out of Rochelle’s dungeon had a lot to do with her intervention. And she was the only person who really could understand what I was going through, right at that moment, because she, too, was going through the same thing.