by Annie Jocoby
So my life became a series of incidents that happened much like the first suicide attempt. She slashed her wrists in the bathtub and almost bled to death before we found her. She took other overdoses of prescription drugs. And she went into the hospital more times than I could count. Her hospitalizations were mainly for depression, but she had her episodes of mania as well. Fortunately, her mania was not as bad as Alexis’ mania. It was more non-stop talking and not sleeping, and she would clean her room well into the night. Considering she was the type of person who literally never cleaned her room – she let her laundry pile up for weeks, in trash bags strewn around her room, and magazines and books were piled up everywhere – her cleaning sprees were not entirely unwelcome. She was never hospitalized for mania, but she often was for depression.
So, I understood Alexis. I got where she was coming from, so I naturally had sympathy for her and was drawn to her. She couldn’t help any of it. She struggled, just like my sister always did. But she had privilege and money, where my sister never did. Even now, Alexis had Ryan to take care of her. My sister never had even that. My sister was now in her mid-thirties, and she had never lived a day in a home that was not my parents’. And I knew that she probably would never leave home. When my parents passed, I would be expected to take her in. I knew that.
I hoped that Ryan realized that as well.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ryan
Once again, Iris was missing. Although I had a good idea where she was. I figured that the first place that I should look would be her parents’ house. That was always where she went when something bad happened. Except for after she was raped, but that was an exception. Besides, she had Dalilah. Iris would never do anything that would jeopardize the life of our daughter, so I knew that she would end up someplace safe.
I got to her parents’ townhouse and rang the doorbell.
Her mother answered the door. “Hi, Ryan. Come on in.”
“Mom!” Iris was calling. “Who’s there?”
“Iris!” I called to her. “It’s me.”
At that, Iris came bounding down the stairs so fast that she literally fell down them. She slid down the bottom three steps and landed on her rear.
“Iris! Are you ok?” I asked her, going over to where she was laying on stairs. She was grimacing and holding her elbow.
“Yes, yes.” The she got to her feet and wrapped her arms around me. I did the same with her. I couldn’t believe that she was in my arms again. It felt like the longest time since I was able to experience having her in my arms.
“Iris, Iris, beautiful Iris. I love you. I love you so much. I know that this sounds strange, but I missed you these past few weeks. Really missed you.”
She was crying softly into my shoulder. “Oh my god. I thought that I’d lost you. I was sure of it. I can’t believe that you’re here.”
“I am here, Iris, and I’m here for good,” I said, as I put my hands in her hair and tousled it affectionately. I continued. “I’ve come to realize something over these past few weeks. And that is that you just never know when you’re going to breathe your last. So, I can’t have regrets about who I was. It does no good unless you use the regrets as a catalyst to become a better person. And that’s what I’m going to do.” As I said the words, I thought of Nick. My homecoming and seeing Nick for the first time in a long time did not go the way that I had planned. I wanted to come and see him and make my apologies to him. Unfortunately, I let my temper get in the way of this, and I ended up berating him for losing track of Iris. I would have to rectify that when I got back to talk to him again that evening.
“So, we’re going home?” Iris asked me.
“We’re not going home, because we don’t yet have a home. But I’m going to change this as soon as I can. I’m going to get us another house that is ours. A house that I know that we both will love. And then we’re going to live in it. Live happily ever after in it, without anybody taking this away from us.”
“Oh, thank god.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Iris
Ryan is here! He’s finally here! And, for the first time since he was shot, really, I believe that we’re going to make it. Not broken, just bent. And I couldn’t be happier in this world. He loves me. He still loves me. I decided to let this revelation marinate some in my head. Ryan loves me. Hopefully he never stopped loving me. No matter what had happened in our lives, we always manage to find a way back to each other, and this time was no different.
I suddenly wanted him in a way that I had never before wanted him. It was frustrating not really being able to act on this, as Dalilah was still there in her playpen and my mother was there, as well. Besides, Tad’s room was so tiny, and the bed was a small full-size. Therefore, there really wasn’t any romantic place for us to get naked and explore each other’s bodies.
He kissed me gently and passionately, right there on the stairs. The world faded away as we kissed like this for what seemed like forever. I was captivated and mesmerized by him. I suddenly remembered exactly how much I loved him. I was feeling so far away from him, so disconnected. Now I was feeling connected to him again, for the first time since before he was shot. And this was a feeling unlike any other that I had ever experienced.
He loves me. He still loves me. I looked up at him and felt tears coming to my eyes.
“Are you ok?” Ryan asked me upon seeing my eyes fill up with tears.
“I’m more than ok,” I replied. “I thought when you took off like that…I thought that I would lose you completely. That if you didn’t leave me for another woman, you might just leave me for some other reason. I couldn’t take that, Ryan. Please don’t put me through that again. I mean, I know that I put you through it, and maybe this is karma for how I treated you. But, please believe me – I love you, and I don’t want to lose you. Ever. So, let me in. You have to tell me when you’re going away, because you know how much I worry about you otherwise.
“I know,” Ryan said. “honey, I know. I’ve been beating myself up for my behavior with others, and I really should have been doing the same about my behavior towards you. I love you more than I thought that I could ever love anybody. I only wish that I had a way to express to you the things that I’ve been feeling and the darkness that was consuming me these past few weeks. The things that I’ve done in my life have not been pretty, to say the least. I’ve lived my entire life in self-destruct mode, it seemed, at least until I met you. While I’m not entirely self-destructive right now, but the impulse is still there. And I’ve had to live with the things that I’ve done. I can try to make amends for them, but I still have to live with them.”
“Whatever you’ve done, it isn’t you now. It isn’t who you are.”
“Don’t kid yourself. I struggle every day to not succumb to my demons. It’s an internal struggle for the most part. But this shooting has just made it worse. It’s opened up the dam of black emotions of who I am and who I was, and I’ve been trying to repair that dam. I’m still not entirely there, but I feel like I’m enough on the firm path towards healing that I want your love again. If that makes any sense at all.”
“I think I know what you’re saying. You’ve gone through a period of self-loathing because of your past. And you’ve just begin the process of coming to terms with the person that you were and getting some closure on that. You’ll have more of an open heart because of this process. Am I close?”
His look of love was back, and I sighed. It had been so long since he had given me that look.
“I love you, you know that? You know me so well. Inside and out. You seem to understand me and exactly how I’m feeling. I would beg for your forgiveness for how I’ve been acting, and that’s what I need to do. But somehow I have the feeling that you’ve already forgiven me. That you understand why I did what I did. And I love you so much for that, I can’t even express it.”
Just then, Dalilah started calling for Ryan. “Daddy! Daddy! Come here!”
Ryan s
miled and made his way up the stairs to retrieve our daughter. He came back down with Dalilah in his arms. She was clutching him closely, her legs wiggling excitedly. “Daddy here! Daddy here!”
“What do you say we pack up yours and Dalilah’s things and head back to Nick’s? I know that it’s not quite home, but hopefully Sheila can watch Dalilah for a little bit while you and I make up for some lost time.”
I melted some more at his words.
So, we packed up Dalilah’s things and my clothes, and left for Nick’s. “Bye, mom,” I said. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she said. “I enjoyed seeing you, but you’re going back where you belong. With your husband.”
When Ryan and I got in the Escalade, after putting Dalilah’s things away and securing her in the car seat, Ryan took my hand, then put his hands on my face and kissed me passionately. I lost my breath completely. I was always so surprised that it always felt like the first time with him, but that’s exactly how it felt. It really felt this way because we hadn’t been with one another for so long. I wanted so badly to strip off his clothes and make love to him right there, and truth be told, if we didn’t have a precocious 10-month-old in the backseat, that’s probably what would’ve happened. Ryan and I were never concerned about making love in public when we were both really in the mood, and this was definitely one of those times that we were in the mood.
“God, I can’t wait to get you alone,” he said. “I just can’t wait.”
“Oh, me too. Me too. Get back to Nick’s as soon as you possibly can.”
“I will. If Dalilah weren’t here, I would be going 90 miles an hour to get you back to Nick’s.” Then he whispered, knowing that Dalilah understood most of what we said to one another. “I can’t wait to feel me inside you.”
Just those words made me start to breathe heavily. I swallowed hard, resisting the urge to feel his crotch. No matter, even without my tactile sensation on his groin, his manhood was standing at attention through his pants.
He kissed me passionately once more, then we headed to Nick’s.
∞
We got to Nick’s, and found the house empty. I would imagine that Nick and Alexis went somewhere together, although that would be surprising. Nick had been making it clear to Alexis that he no longer wanted anything to do with her. I was actually sad for her. I wasn’t sure if she saw a future with Nick, but, if she did, it had to be tough to be around the guy. Especially since she was aware of how he was feeling about me.
Ryan took Dalilah to the guest house so that Sheila could watch her. At first, she fussed, but then Ryan told her “Mommy and daddy will be busy for a few hours. But daddy will see you later, and daddy promises to play games with you as much as you want.”
That cheered her up considerably. “Ok, daddy. Love you. Bye.”
“Love you too, princess,” Ryan told her. “See you soon.”
“You do realize that you’ve just committed to about a million hours of Chutes and Ladders, Candyland and Old Maid, don’t you?” I teased him.
“Yeah. But trust me, it will be worth it.”
And was it.
Ryan and I got into my room, and he immediately put his hands on my shoulders, kissing them lightly. “You are the most remarkable woman,” he said. “I don’t know how you manage to roll with everything that is thrown at you, but you do. And I love you so much for it. Well, for that and about fifty million other things.
I closed my eyes, reveling in his touch. I realized that it had been weeks now since we made love, but it seemed like years. Eons.
His mouth was making its way down my back. He took my hair and lightly placed it over my shoulder, as his hands worked on massaging my neck, while his mouth made its way to the space between my legs. He licked me slowly there, putting my panties aside with his tongue. I groaned, feeling the extreme jolt course through me while every hair stood up on end. I was breathing heavily, while I felt my nether regions fill up with blood.
Then his hands were lightly cupping my breasts, underneath my dress. He laid me down on the floor, then laid down on top of me from behind. I could feel his manhood poking through his pants as he slowly removed my panties. Then I heard him unbuckle his belt, and pull down my underwear.
Then he slowly entered me from behind.
I groaned as I felt the familiar feeling of fullness and completeness. His face was buried in my neck, as he tongued me lightly. His hands explored my body while he thrust in and out rhythmically. Then he turned my head towards him, and kissed me full on the mouth. His tongue explored inside my mouth, as he slowly and gently thrusted his shaft in and out, in and out. I felt my eyes roll back in my head in ecstasy as I pulled on his hair lightly. We were both silent, as we wanted to enjoy the moment and savor every minute of our lovemaking.
I wanted to have the image in my mind like a photograph. The image of the two of us together after all the time that we couldn’t be with each other in this way. I wanted to record the feeling for posterity, because I had found that life never gave you guarantees. There was no guarantee that Ryan and I would make love again after this moment, so I wanted to have a way to feel him inside me always. So, I concentrated on what he was doing and how I was feeling right at that moment. And how I was feeling right then was complete. That was the best word to describe it. Like I had a missing puzzle piece all this time that Ryan was recovering from surgery, and now the puzzle piece was missing no more.
Then I laid on my back and felt his weight on top of me, his hands pulling on my hair. He looked into my eyes as he thrust some more, then he kissed me on the lips hungrily. I had my legs wrapped around him as my hands lightly stroked his back. I grabbed his butt to push him further into me, and I felt him groan and start to shake.
He stayed inside of me for a few minutes, his head on my shoulder. Both of us were breathing heavily. “I don’t want to pull out yet. I just want to savor this feeling of being inside you. It’s been too long since I have felt this. Way too long. I don’t want to ever be away from you again. I don’t want to be emotionally away from you, nor physically away from you. I love you so much.”
I said nothing, just stroked his back with my hands. Then he was kissing me again, and I felt his hardness grow inside of me some more. “Turns out I don’t have to pull out at all,” he said, as he started thrusting again. He kissed me passionately on the lips, his tongue slowly exploring inside my mouth. Then he was nibbling on my ears and nipples, as his tongue lightly teased each of my breasts. “Oh, god,” he said. “I don’t want this to end. Ever. I want to stay like this forever.”
“Me too. God, me too.” I didn’t want to tell him that I was afraid, so afraid, that I would’ve never gotten the chance to make love with him again. I didn’t want to break the mood. “I feel complete again. I was feeling so much like there was something missing from my very soul these past few weeks, so I’m so very happy that I have it back.”
“You will have it forever,” he said. “That is a promise.”
We were like that for several more hours, although Ryan knew that it couldn’t last forever. He had to make time for Dalilah, because she was anxious to spend quality time with her daddy. Plus, there was the issue of Nick. Ryan had explained that he and Nick got into an argument when Ryan got home after being away in New York. He didn’t say what the fight was about. But he also said that he had something important to say to Nick that evening after dinner.
In other words, we had reality to deal with after we finally got out of that bed. So, we had to savor every second that we were together.
And that’s exactly what we did.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
After several hours of lovemaking, Ryan finally said that he needed to see our daughter and bond with her some. I didn’t disagree. I knew how much Dalilah was wanting to see him for this long, and how his absence had negatively affected her. She was so perceptive it was almost scary. They say that toddler and babies know more than what they let on. They just can’t
articulate it. Dalilah, however, not only knew what was going on, but she could articulate it.
And her articulation during Ryan’s absence told me that she was very hurt and angry about her father’s behavior. So, Ryan had some bonding to do.
So, as promised, Ryan picked Dalilah up from Sheila and made his way to Dalilah’s room. I stayed back, figuring that the two of them needed some quality time together. But I walked by the room several times, and the door was open, and I saw the two of them on the floor playing various games and working various puzzles. Dalilah looked extremely happy there next to her daddy, and my heart soared.
Things were going to be going back to normal.
∞
That night, after Dalilah went to bed, I found out what Ryan was going to say to Nick. He, Nick and I all sat in Nick’s den, in front of the fire, each of us with a glass of wine. Alexis was also in the den with us, because Ryan wanted her there, as well, although she wasn’t drinking. She was trying to make sure that she didn’t have any more problems with her meds, and, since alcohol and her medications don’t mix well, she had quit drinking for the time being.
“Nick,” Ryan said. “I need to say some things to you. I, I, died during surgery. I flatlined, and they brought me back. And it was just like in the movies – I floated above my body and watched the surgeons using the paddles on me. It was a peaceful feeling. It was peace like I’ve never known it before. When they brought me back, and when I made it through surgery, I was so grateful to be alive. So grateful to be with everybody I loved. But it also made me look at my life. And what I looked at wasn’t pretty.”