by M. L. Rice
Woman of her dreams?
Riley looked at Beth inquisitively and Beth just shrugged and nodded. “I’ve been talking about you for months now.”
“We couldn’t get her to shut up about you, really. I’m just surprised it took her so long to say something to you.”
“I’m shy, Mom!”
Now Riley’s cheeks were really burning. Beth had been talking about how much she liked her to her family? Was this something she herself would have done if she had had a mother to talk to? She was at once embarrassed and delighted.
“Okay, we’re done mortifying you,” Mrs. Earle said with a melodious laugh much like Beth’s. “You girls finish up and we’ll get going.”
When Beth’s mother had left the kitchen, Riley looked incredulously at Beth, who simply said, “What? I had to tell her. She kept asking anyway. ‘When are you going to tell her?’ ‘Do you think she likes you too?’ I swear she talked about you more than I did.”
“What if…what if I’m a disappointment?”
Beth’s head tilted to the side. “How is that possible?”
Riley shrugged. “I dunno. I don’t know how to impress parents. I’m not very good with families.”
Beth leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on Riley’s warm cheek. “You don’t have to impress them. You’re everything you need to be just being yourself.”
Quietly, Riley said, “You don’t know my whole self.”
“No. But I’m looking forward to discovering every single part of you. Good, bad, beautiful, difficult, all of it. I want you, Riley Gordon. No concessions necessary.”
“I hope so.”
You may not like what you find.
*
Riley and Beth were inseparable for the rest of their time in Galveston. Even parting to sleep in their separate bedrooms was torture. They knew their classes and jobs were sure to get in the way once they got back to school, but the allure of Beth’s empty apartment was too delicious to ignore.
Soon after they arrived back in Austin and classes started up again, they fell into the closest thing to a rhythm they could achieve. They met for lunch when they could, had dinner together on Tuesday and Thursday nights, and spent the rest of their time rehearsing, working, and studying for their end-of-semester exams.
Despite her worries about passing her classes and doing well in the music program, Riley was excelling. Beth was a large part of that. As a sophomore, she had the experience to help Riley organize her schedule to get in the most efficient and useful study time. They spent quality time with each other too, of course, but Riley was finding that Beth was just as driven to succeed as she herself was, and she made sure they didn’t let their blossoming relationship get in the way of what they had to do.
After almost a month of officially being together, Riley decided that all of their hard work and dedication to school, despite being a detriment to their budding relationship, deserved a real romantic night out. She had everything planned. She had bought tickets to the Austin Ballet and, this being the last night Riley and Beth had together before a slew of end-of-semester finals were to dominate their last week before the Christmas break, Riley was ecstatic.
Now, inside the darkened Bass Concert Hall, the music built to a crescendo and crashed down upon them in a wave of impassioned melody. The two dancers reacted in kind by flowing and leaping with immense strength and grace across the winter wonderland of the stage. Riley glanced over at Beth, who was wiping a small tear from the corner of her eye. Nothing in the world could have made Riley happier at that very moment. Her chest swelled with emotion and her own eyes became misty.
When the fervent timpani rolls accented by final insistent chords filled the room, Beth reached over and squeezed Riley’s hand. Squeezing back, Riley knew that, in this one moment, by the shared experience and appreciation of something so beautiful, she and Beth had unlocked a more intimate level of their relationship.
Riley was desperate to welcome Beth deeper into the world of music she loved so dearly. Now they sat together with their fingers entwined, falling even more in love, listening to the final notes of Riley’s favorite piece of all time, the “Pas de Deux” from Tchaikovsky’s The Nutcracker Suite, and she felt truly happy for the first time in her life.
*
Riley and Beth exited the Co-op on the Drag and crossed the street to the West Mall, backpacks, now lighter, slung over their shoulders.
“Okay, the whole textbook buyback thing is bullshit,” Riley said as they walked toward the iconic UT tower.
“I know, right? ‘Hey, pay us fifty bucks for a textbook you’ll never actually need, and, at the end of the semester, we’ll give you twenty-five cents for it. Beat that deal!’” Beth mocked.
“Thank God most things are going digital now, otherwise I’d never be able to afford it, scholarship or not!”
They walked past the Texas Union and the multitudes of student organization tables and made their way in silence down through the Six Pack on the South Mall toward the Littlefield Fountain. Beth seemed nervous about something.
They took a left on East Twenty-first Street and headed toward the stadium and Riley’s dorm.
“So. I have a question for you,” Beth said hesitantly.
“’Kay,” Riley said simply.
“What are you doing tonight?”
“Deep question. I can see why you’re so nervous about it.” Riley winked.
“Don’t be snarky. I’m asking you out.” Beth slapped her backside.
“Oh! Well, then, I should tell you that I already have plans…”
Beth’s face fell.
“To spend time,” Riley continued, “with the nicest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”
“Oh. Em. Gee. That was the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say in the entire history of ever.”
“And you loved it.”
“Yes. Yes, I did. But anyway, asking you out isn’t quite right either. I mean do you want to come over to my place tonight? I want…I want you to stay…with me…tonight. We’ve been so busy with finals that I don’t feel like we’ve really gotten to spend time together…alone.”
Something tingled in Riley’s stomach and she nodded in agreement. “Between-class snogs are the best part of my day, but I agree with you wholeheartedly.”
*
Riley had stayed at Beth’s apartment before, but their workload had kept them from really getting to spend much time together even then. This night, however, Riley knew that she and Beth had nothing but each other on their minds.
Still, Riley was nervous. Not about being with Beth, but about her own self-consciousness. It wasn’t every day that someone she had fallen in love with was going to see the extent of her prior abuse.
“There’s something I need to talk about first,” Riley said as she and Beth pulled apart from a long and passionate kiss as they sat on the couch.
“What’s that?” Beth looked concerned.
“You haven’t seen…all of me…yet.”
Beth grinned with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. “Well, no, but I’ll admit it hasn’t been the furthest thing from my mind.” She ran her hand under Riley’s shirt.
Riley kissed her on the cheek. “Naughty. But really, you’re the first person that’s going to really see all of the bad stuff.”
“What bad stuff?”
“You know about these.” Riley held up her arms to show the small red and white circles that dotted each.
Beth nodded and said, “Those in no way turn me off, Riley. You should know that.”
Riley took a deep breath and removed her shirt and sports bra. As the fabric was lifted over her head, she heard Beth gasp.
“Oh my God.”
Flushing with shame, Riley tried to hold herself in a vain attempt to cover the multitudes of cigarette burn and belt scars that covered her arms and chest.
Beth’s mouth had fallen open. “I can’t believe they did this to you. I mean…on your chest and stomach too
? That’s so messed up!” She gently twisted Riley around by the shoulders. “Back too? Riley, how did no one stop this?”
Riley shrugged. “Aidan tried.”
“What about the authorities? CPS or the police?”
“They didn’t know about it. Aunt Joan made me wear long sleeves everywhere and never took me to the doctor for anything. Aidan wanted to get help, but he was afraid they’d hurt me more if they found out. We were kids. We didn’t know how to make the right decisions.”
Beth was beside herself with outrage. “But I mean, what could you have done to make them want to do this to you?”
“It was like a game. If they didn’t like something I did or if I didn’t do something fast enough…” Riley made a hissing noise and mimed putting a cigarette out on her arm. “They even did it to get laughs from some of their drug addict friends. They weren’t in their right minds most of the time…any of the time. Aidan has the burns too, but only because he tried to protect me.”
“I swear to God, if they weren’t already dead I’d kill them myself.” Riley saw a frightening fury in Beth for the first time. “I promise you I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again.”
Riley’s eyes watered.
“Do you trust me?” A fire had ignited in Beth’s eyes.
“More than anyone.”
“Will you believe what I tell you? No shame. No embarrassment.”
Riley nodded halfheartedly. It was hard for her to take people’s words at face value.
Beth took Riley’s arms and pulled them down to her sides, exposing her body fully, burns and all. “You are so gorgeous. Nothing I see here”—she ran her fingers gently across Riley’s chest—“changes how I feel about you. I want to see you. I want to feel you. I want to drink you in, body and soul. I love you.”
She leaned forward and kissed the nape of Riley’s neck. Riley gasped with pleasure.
“I love you.”
She pushed Riley down onto the couch and kissed the old scars on her chest.
“I love you,” Beth repeated. “I love you.”
Her hands caressed her stomach, slowly working their way lower, while her lips met Riley’s once again in a feverish and passionate kiss.
Riley quivered with ecstasy and euphoria. She felt like a new person. She had been so worried about exposing herself, her body, and her past to Beth, but this woman had proven to be nothing but loving and compassionate. She was in love and she was joyful in the knowledge that the feeling was requited just as fiercely.
Riley stood and took Beth’s hand. They walked together to the bedroom, and Riley felt that she and Beth were both secure in the absolute understanding of each other and the comfort and bliss of unequivocal respect and love.
Chapter Fourteen
With the semester over, most students home for Christmas break, and Beth and her family on a holiday cruise to the Caribbean, Riley was alone. She had known she would be, and she tried to tell herself that she didn’t mind. She was lonely, of course, knowing that she couldn’t talk to the two people she cared about most in the world, but the happiness and hope that had been growing since she had met Beth sustained her. But still, there were only so many movies she could watch, websites she could browse, books she could read, or music she could practice before she just felt lifeless.
She had tried calling Aidan a few times, but he hadn’t answered. It worried her, but she told herself to remain positive. It wasn’t like he was overseas, after all. But now, on a gray and cold Christmas Eve, she wished more than anything that she could talk to him.
She rolled out of bed where she had been lying and looking up websites about famous shipwrecks to discuss with Beth when she got back. She shuffled over to the window and glared at Brooke’s perfectly made bed. Her roommate had left for home a few days before, and Riley couldn’t have been happier. They had barely spoken since the day that Riley had found Brooke’s pendant. Not only that, but everyone on their floor seemed to have turned on her. They had been polite before, but now every time Riley appeared, conversation ceased and icy daggers were thrown her way. She just couldn’t figure it out. Luckily, her coursework and Beth had taken up most of her time and energy, so she pushed the discomfort to the back of her mind.
Determined to stop brooding, she looked out her window to the football stadium across the street and concentrated on the recently made memories of Beth’s soft fingers tracing loving patterns across her stomach and thighs. She shivered as pleasurable goose bumps pebbled on her skin.
There was a knock at the door, and she jumped in surprise. Who did she know that would be stopping by on Christmas Eve? Koji was back in New Mexico with his family and Tori was home in Dallas.
Still in her pajamas, she combed cold fingers through her tangled hair and opened the door.
“Hey, Nugget.”
Riley’s jaw dropped. “Holy hell!”
Aidan laughed his hearty and contagious laugh. “Merry Christmas to you too, ya little shit.”
She flung herself into his waiting arms and whooped with happiness. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t know I could come until a week ago. And then I wanted to surprise you.”
“Job well done. Come in!”
Riley led him inside the dorm room and he threw his backpack unceremoniously onto Brooke’s bed.
“I was able to catch a ride Space-A on a C-130. It couldn’t have worked out better. Am I interrupting anything?”
Riley glanced around the room. “Well, I was just about to start decorating for my annual Christmas Eve orphan’s rave, but now that you’re here…”
“Good. Get dressed. We’re going out. We need to catch up. It’s not the same over email or the phone. Where do you want to go for your Christmas Eve dinner?”
“Chuy’s!”
Aidan looked at her incredulously. “Riley, I’m paying. Anywhere you want. It can be a special place. Fancy pants style.”
Riley nodded. “Chuy’s.”
“Tex-Mex on Christmas Eve?”
“Is there ever a bad time for Tex-Mex?”
Aidan tilted his head, thinking. “Chuy’s it is.”
*
During their meal, Riley hijacked most of the conversation because she just couldn’t stop talking about Beth. Aidan didn’t seem to mind, though.
“I can’t tell you how glad I am to see you so happy. It suits you. You’re like a different person,” he said, beaming.
Riley shrugged. “I don’t know about that. I just know that I love her. The stuff with Tori”—Aidan’s smile grew at the mention of her name—“was definitely…fun. But there’s so much more to how I feel about Beth.”
Aidan nodded. “You’re lucky to feel love like that. There are always women, but no one has ever taken my breath away or anything. Not like what you guys have. Full disclosure, I’m actually a little jealous.” He took a large bite of his burrito.
“You? Jealous of me?” Riley couldn’t fathom such a thing.
“Yep,” he said, mouth full.
Riley’s thoughts drifted back to Beth’s loving face. She could see such adoration when she looked at her. “It’s the best feeling in the world to know that I mean so much to someone. I’ve never felt like I was important or worthwhile before.”
Aidan’s brow furrowed.
“Except to you, of course.”
Aidan sighed. “No, I get it. Neither of us had the easiest time growing up.”
Riley scoffed. “You did fine! You were the popular one. Everyone loved you.”
He shook his head and leaned back in his chair. A shadow passed over his eyes. “Everyone loved the facade I put up. Only you know the real me. And maybe my guys back at the base now. But all of that brashness and confidence was just to protect myself. I made myself bigger than life so that I could feel bigger than my life. Just like you protected yourself with music and introspection and quiet independence. Neither one of us wants to be hurt again.”
Riley was shocked at the serious dire
ction the conversation had taken. Aidan very rarely showed his true feelings or fears.
“And the amazing thing is that we’ve both made it. I mean, of course we can be hurt. Of course we do hurt. But the difference is that we’re living our lives on our own terms now. No matter what happens, we will always know that we made it out and we did it for ourselves.”
Riley sat pensively. After taking a few more bites of her enchilada, she said, “It’s nice to think about it that way. I don’t often think about my life as an accomplishment. I always see it as a battle. I feel like I’m in a constant fight to erase what happened to us and to prove that I’m worth it.”
“That’s what makes you so powerful, Riley. That’s what Beth sees in you that you don’t. She can see the fire that I’ve always seen. Not the anger or fear, but the determination and courage in the face of that fear. I know you struggle with it. You know I know better than anyone. But having that fear doesn’t make you weak. You’ve never succumbed to it. You always face it head on and keep going. That’s your fire. That’s your strength.”
Riley’s eyes watered. She didn’t know what to say. She had spent so many years terrified of her past and the future unknown that she didn’t feel in the least bit brave or strong. Still, it was so comforting to hear him say it that she almost believed that it could be true…if only for the moment.
*
The next morning, Riley woke to the sound of birds chirping resiliently in the frost-covered landscape outside her window. She was swaddled in the sheets of the most comfortable bed she had ever slept in. After their dinner at Chuy’s the previous night, Aidan had surprised her with her Christmas present. He had been able to book them a suite in a four-star Hill Country resort just outside of town at the last minute. He figured that would allow them to spend Christmas morning in style for once. He had gallantly taken the sofa bed in the adjacent living room while Riley had the master bedroom to herself. They had spent the evening making s’mores in the suite’s gas fireplace, listening to Christmas carols on Internet radio, drinking champagne, and exchanging stories about their lives, girls, and some of the idiots they had to deal with on a daily basis.