The conversation in the car had not gone as well as she had hoped it would. Walking towards the library door she could feel the lump in her throat growing bigger. She didn’t know how she was going to go inside, but she knew that she had to or the conversation at dinner would grow into a conversation about her and a therapist. She walked closer and could feel her legs getting heavier. She saw her mom open the door for her, but suddenly she couldn’t move another inch.
“Katie, come on, we are not trying to air condition the outdoors,” mom said just like she would say at home.
Katie was trying but just couldn’t take that extra step. Suddenly when she was about to break down and tell her mom she just couldn’t go in, she felt the hands on her shoulders and felt like she was being pushed towards the door. Katie was baffled as she tried to look around to see who was behind her. She went through the door faster than she thought and stumbled over her own feet causing her to almost fall flat on her face.
Regaining her composure Katie looked around to see who entered behind her. She knew it was not her mother because she was right there holding the door.
“Katie will you please stop playing around and go find Mrs. Smith for your schedule? I will be right over here in the fiction section looking for a book,” her mom replied quietly as she walked away. Katie couldn’t answer, mainly because she didn’t feel like she could breathe. All she could do is stand. It was like her feet had been super glued to the carpet.
“Katie it is so great to see you. It has been so long since you have come into the library. We definitely have missed having you here,” Mrs. Smith said in what Katie thought was a bit too loud for a library.
Trying to keep her mom from getting any more information than necessary, Katie smiled her bright smile and said, “Mrs. Smith it’s great to see you again as well, even thought it was just last week when I was here last.” Katie was hoping that Mrs. Smith would just dismiss the topic and just give her the schedule she came in to get in the first place.
“Last week? I didn’t see you last week. I may be getting on up there in age, but I remember the last time I saw you was right before…” her voice trailed off as she got that sad look in her eyes that everyone seem to get all the time now when they talked about Jackson. “Anyways dear it is nice to know that you will read to the kids this summer. They will be so excited; they always loved when you read to them.” Mrs. Smith said enthusiastically.
“Yes I love to read to them as well. It will be lots of fun,” Katie said knowing that it would not be the same without Jackson there. She always brought him because he would do all the sound effects for the books, and the kids all loved him. “Everyone loved Jackson,” she thought. Her last thought made her feel even sadder than normal.
“Here is your schedule then dear,” Mrs. Smith said as she handed Katie the folded paper she had in her hand. “I have to get ready for the knitting class that is here at four o’clock, so I will see you next week on Tuesday then.”
“Okay, I will be here Tuesday. Have a great day Mrs. Smith.”
“You too Katie,” Mrs. Smith said as she turned and walked off towards the room that held all of the craft supplies in the library. It was the room where all the classes were held throughout the year as well.
Katie watched as Mrs. Smith walked away, thinking about the times that she and Jackson would go and spend hours in the craft room, making things. They had made so many things that they gave to their mom that Katie was sure mom had to have thrown them all out since she would have ran out of room if she hadn’t.
Katie let out a defeated sigh certain that her mother had heard the whole conversation. As she walked to where her mother was she glanced around the library. Everywhere she looked she thought of Jackson, but instead of feeling the pain that she was used to, she felt contentment. The library was the one place that Jackson seemed happiest. He would spend hours reading about anything and everything. It seemed to be his outlet to not think about what was going on with him.
Katie was still thinking about Jackson when she heard her mom ask, “When do you need to be here?”
“Not until Tuesday at noon,” Katie replied knowing that she wasn’t really going to go.
“Well at least I will not have to worry about you becoming a recluse then,” her mom said in a joking way. She never seemed to be able to talk to Katie about what was happening because Katie was mad at the world. She just hoped her being around all the other kids again would change it all.
“No mom, you don’t have to worry about me becoming a recluse,” Katie said as she rolled her eyes. I just do not need to be around someone all the time. Sometimes it is nice to just have time alone,” Katie continued.
“Honey, sometimes being around other people makes things easier to deal with. There will be people in your life that you will feel like you can talk to about anything. You will end up always wanting them around. Those are going to be the ones that are your true friends. I know that some of your friends let you down when everything happened with Jackson, but some people do not know how to deal with things like that,” her mom said trying her hardest to get Katie to open up to her. She needed to talk about it so bad, yet she just refused to. Katie had always been stubborn, but she had taken this refusing to talk about Jackson deal way too far.
“Mom, I really don’t want to do this right now, especially not here,” Katie said getting a little aggravated because her mom just wouldn’t let this whole conversation go.
“That is the problem with this whole situation, Katie. You are not letting all your grief out and if you continue to let it build up inside of you, it is eventually going to take its toll on all of your relationships, including your friends and family.” Her mom continued as she took a step closer to her hoping she would be able to hug her without Katie taking a step away from her.
Katie was very much over this conversation and just wanted it to be over already. She knew that her mom would continue this conversation for longer if she didn’t put a stop to it now. “I know mom. I just don’t feel like I need anyone to talk to now. I promise if I start to feel like I do, I will either come talk to you or dad.” Katie said this as she turned towards the door hoping to be able to leave the library soon.
“Okay,” her mom said not really ready to end their conversation yet, but she knew that Katie was already clamming back up. She decided to just drop it for now and she would find another way to bring out the feelings again. “Let me just check out this book and we can leave. We have to run to the store to get stuff for dinner if you are going to make it,” her mom said as she headed for the check out.
When she got to the counter, Mrs. Smith gave her the biggest hello, like she had been gone for years. “We are all so excited to have Katie back. She is such a great girl. We all love having her around, and the kids have missed her so much,” Mrs. Smith said as if she hasn’t had anyone to talk to all day long. Realizing that she hadn’t asked she looked at her and asked, “Beth how are you and Tom holding up?”
“We are doing as good as to be expected. And I know she has missed being back here as well. Although I am sure that she was here sometime last week,” her mom replied glancing at Katie as if to say that she had been caught.
“No, I can’t say that I have seen her around here lately at all. As a matter of fact one of the parents were just asking about her the other day, and that is why I called today to see if she would be interested in reading to the kids again this summer,” Mrs. Smith replied, not realizing all the trouble that Katie was in.
Katie however, knew exactly what was taking place and she just wanted to find a rock to crawl under and never come out. She could feel the blood draining from her face. She had never been one to lie to her parents but she knew she was busted, and make no mistake that her mom was definitely going to make sure she knew not to do it again.
“Well I hope you ladies have a wonderful day. I will see you on Tuesday Katie,” Mrs. Smith said as they began to walk off.
“See you T
uesday,” Katie said in the highest voice she could muster, which actually ended up being nothing more than a whisper, as they walked out of the library together.
Chapter 10
The drive from the library to the store was quiet and uneventful. This meant that mom was thinking about her punishment for lying. It could also mean that mom was thinking of what questions she was going to ask at dinner and dare her to lie on any one of them. Katie suddenly wished she had not volunteered to make dinner for them.
When they got to the store they grabbed the few things they needed for dinner. They checked out and headed home. The entire ride seemed to take forever, since there wasn’t one word that was said between the two of them the whole way.
On their way home, they stopped at the Post Office to get the mail. Katie waited in the car while mom went in. When she came out she had four envelopes, one of which was addressed to Katie. When her mom handed her the envelope Katie was very surprised. She never got mail so she wasn’t sure who would have been sending her anything. There was no return address on the envelope with make her curiosity grow a little bit more. The envelope looked a little tattered so it must have traveled quite a ways to get to her. She knew she should open it, but she felt the need to be alone when she did. She folded it in half and put it in her pocket.
“Katie you are not going to open your mail honey?” her mother asked in a tone that told Katie she was interested to know who it was from as well.
“I think I will wait till we are home,” Katie said without looking at her mom.
“Okay, if that is what you want,” she responded, just a little frustrated, since she wanted to know what it said as well.
They drove home in silence. When they pulled into the drive way, Katie’s mom turned the car off. As they sat there in silence for a minute, Katie just stared out the windshield. As she reached for the door, her mom put her hand on her arm.
“Honey, I am here if you need me, you know that right?” her mom asked.
“Yes mom, I know that,” Katie said as she got out of the car without looking at her mom.
Feeling as if it was useless, Katie’s mom gave a huff and got out of the car. They both grabbed the few bags out of the trunk, and went inside to put them all away.
When they were done her mom went to start a load of laundry. Katie looked at the time. She still had three hours before she had to start dinner. She decided she would go upstairs and lay in the tub for a few minutes. It was something she tried to do at least once a day these days. It was really good for her when she felt overwhelmed or stressed out. And today she felt so overwhelmed and stressed out that she could barely think. It was almost like the stress was choking her today.
Upstairs she ran the water in the tub, while she grabbed some pajamas to put on afterwards. She had a pair of fleece pajama pants that had penguins on them. They were her absolute favorite because they were a present from Jackson for Christmas the year he died. She paired it with a black tank top, and then went into the bathroom. She crawled into the tub, sunk to her chin in the water and closed her eyes.
Katie thought about everything that took place today. She knew she should have told her parents the truth, but she didn’t really lie either. She did go to the library, she just didn’t go inside. That was just a detail she left out when she talked about her day to them that night. And besides it wasn’t like she made a habit of lying to them. She was generally very honest. “Mom would just have to get over it,” she thought to herself.
Katie lay there for a little while longer, and then climbed out. She dried off, got dressed and then brushed her hair out. After cleaning the tub out and hanging up her towel, she grabbed the letter out of her pants pocket and sat down on her bed. She looked at the envelope over. She couldn’t help but wonder who would have sent her a letter. She was fifteen years old and had never even received a card in the mail for her birthday. She ran her finger under the seal of the envelope, where there was a green piece of paper inside. She pulled it out and unfolded it. She didn’t recognize the writing on the paper, which left her still questioning who would send her this letter. She began to read it aloud.
“Katie,”
“Every day I try to show you the way. I try to help guide you along the way, and I get the same resistance every time. You have to continue to live your life, even though I am not there to live mine. Every minute of every day is a gift and you have to take full advantage of it. Know that I am with you, and I will never leave your side. All you have to do is continue talking, and I will continue to listen, and help you when I can. Take care of yourself and listen with your heart, not your head. That has always been your downfall. I love you Katie, you always were the best big sister. I was the luckiest boy ever in the world. When you need help think about me, and I will guide you, just don’t resist. I will not lead you down the wrong road.”
Love,
Jackson
Your Angel
Katie was sobbing so hard by now she had to blow her nose, and take deep breathes. She wanted to know where this came from and why someone would pull such a horrible prank on her. She figured her mom had something to do with it. She was determined to find out. She marched down the stairs to the laundry room, where her mom was now switching the clothes from the washer to the dryer.
“That was not a funny joke mom. As a matter of fact, it was a sick one,” Katie said in a raised voice.
“What on earth are you talking about? And you better lower your voice when you are talking to me young lady,” her mom replied in an authoritative voice, as she turned towards Katie, with her hands on her hips.
“You know what I am talking about. The letter mom. The letter you gave me at the post office,” she said with tears streaming down her face again.
“It was in the mailbox with your name on it. Did you want me to leave it there? What was in it that made you so upset?”
Katie was getting even madder that her mom was not just admitting that she had done this as a joke. “As if you didn’t already know, it was a letter that was supposed to be from Jackson. How could you send me something like that?” Katie said in the harshest voice her mother had ever heard.
“First of all Katie let me tell you one more time to change your tone with me. Let me see the letter so that I can look at what has you so upset,” her mom said as she came closer to the doorway.
Katie handed it to her and went to sit on the couch in the living room. Her mom followed her reading the words on the paper. When Katie looked at her mom, she saw the tears streaming down her face. Katie knew her mom and dad had to have something to do with this, so she didn’t know why her mom was crying.
When her mom was finished reading the note she sat next to Katie and said,” I don’t know where this came from honey, but it sounds to me like someone wants you to know that they are there for you when you need them. It was probably just a friend of yours who thought they were helping you.”
Katie hadn’t thought about that before she blew up at her mom. “None of my friends would do something like that to get my attention mom. This was a very cruel thing to d. I am so mad I could scream right now,” Katie said as she grabbed a pillow and stuck it to her face as she let out the loudest muffled scream her mother had ever heard. When Katie was finished she thought about how good it felt, so she did it one more time.
Her mom waited for her to finish still holding the letter. She honestly had no idea where this letter had come from. She only knew that this was not affecting Katie in the way the sender probably intended it to. She moved closer to Katie and wrapped her arms around her, holding her just like she did when she was little, until Katie stopped crying. She knew this was a long time coming.
After Katie couldn’t cry anymore, she wiped her face and hugged her mom. “I love you mom. I’m sorry I was so mean to you. I shouldn’t have yelled at you, I just thought…” Katie could not finish what she was saying. She honestly wasn’t sure what she thought these days. Things were just so confusing to her ri
ght now.
“It’s okay sweetheart. This is why your dad and I are so adamant about you getting out of the house and doing things with other people. Why we keep trying to get you to talk to us,” her mom said.
“I know mom, but whoever did this was not very smart about it. If I find out who it was, they are not going to like me when I am done with them. This isn’t something anyone should do, even if they are trying to show me they are there for me,” Katie said still extremely frustrated.
“But maybe you don’t know why they did it,” her mom replied. “Maybe whoever did it was trying to help you feel better about everything and let you know that you have people who care about you.”
“Well that isn’t the way to do it. And how am I supposed to feel better about everything?” Katie asked just getting angrier as she thought about everything. “Jackson was only eight years old mom. He wasn’t a bad kid. He just wasn’t given the opportunity to be the kid he was. How is it ever going to be okay without him here with us?” Katie was yelling again at this point. She was so angry she was shaking almost uncontrollably. It was a good thing that she was sitting down.
Her mom tried to hug her again, but this time Katie just pushed her away. At this point there wasn’t anything anyone could say or do, to make it any better for her. Right now all Katie wanted was to be alone with Jackson at his new home.
Katie stood up and started for the door. Her mom stood up and took a few steps towards her and asked, “Where are you going?”
“I just need to go for a walk and clear my head. I will be back in time to cook dinner like I said I would,” Katie promised and closed the door, leaving her mom standing in the living room worried more than ever about her daughter.
Katie's Angel Page 5