"Not true, Eli."
"Well, you're not right now."
Jay nodded, somewhat defeated. "Okay, then. I'm not afraid, at least not for the same reasons you are. I can't die—there's no train here."
Eli smiled a little. Jay took in a happy, exasperated breath. "There's Eli. Oh, thank goodness. I was starting to think the guys over there had completely taken you from me."
"I'm here."
"But your Native spirit, Eli," Jay said, mocking Debbie from the party and changing his voice, so he sounded like Graham Green or another Native actor from TV. Too serious and quiet—stoic. "I was worried they had taken your Native spirit."
Eli smiled again.
"I'm glad you're okay," Jay added, this time in his normal voice. "I don't know what I'd do if you weren't."
Eli shrugged, then added. "I want to go home."
"I know. I'm sorry I got us into this."
Eli shrugged again.
"Hey. You have my bag, right? There's clothing in there. Put on one of my sweaters and see if you'll feel better."
Eli didn't answer, merely unfolded his legs so he could take the bag into his lap. He pulled back the zipper, digging through whatever else Jay had packed without getting too nosy. They still had some trail mix from Maggie, which made Eli feel better. They weren't going to starve up here, at least. He pulled out an old synthetic-fibre sweater, one that Jay would sometimes wear around the winter season and pretend he celebrated Christmas. Eli rolled the material between his fingers before he slid it over his head.
"You should have taken your shirt off, first. That's just gonna keep your wet shirt close to you."
"I'm fine," Eli said. "Not like it's cold or anything. Big fucking heat wave, if you haven't noticed."
Jay seemed to smirk under the moonlight. "You're funny when you're angry."
"How so?"
"You swear a lot. You seem to think it will make me upset. Like it does with Tantoo."
Eli didn't answer.
"You also play stoic Indian when you're upset. It doesn't suit you, though."
"I do not. And fuck off."
Jay only laughed again. After a moment, Eli laughed, too. Jay sighed and slid closer to him in the dark of the tree house. "See? That's the Eli I know. Not being a stoic dick. That's my job."
"You're not stoic. If you were, we wouldn't be in this mess."
"Hah. Fair enough."
Something Jay had said earlier nagged at Eli. "What do I look like? To you, I mean. You said: that's the Eli I know. What is that? Describe me."
"To you?"
"Yeah."
"I don't know if I could."
"Come on. We've been here long enough." Eli held his tongue from adding, and you owe me.
Jay seemed to hear the unspoken words. "Sure. I can describe you." Jay leaned back against the wood, looking up at the inside wall. "Eli is a small kid, but with a big heart. He's usually quiet, but there are a million thoughts in that head. He's just smart enough not to voice them."
Eli felt his heart tremble in his chest. "You think I'm smart?"
"Hell, yes. You even try to give me books that I don't care about—that's how smart you are. Acting like a real teacher that way." Jay laughed, nudging Eli's side. "What was that one…? About a place I can't really remember?"
"Capu…" Eli paused, then started again to pronounce it correctly. "Kapuskasing."
"Yeah. That one. I don't get why you thought I'd like it, but I like that you read it and thought of me."
Eli nodded. He had brought the play out to show Jay when they started to hang out again this summer, after Buffy's death. He wasn't sure why—he knew Jay wouldn't like the story. But maybe Eli had hoped Jay would flip to the last page and see the last line of Highway's biography. Highway lives in Ontario and France with his partner of twenty-nine years. Partner was such a neutral word. Eli liked it, more than husband or boyfriend ever sounded to him. He could be someone's partner, because it had less weight, but carried more responsibility. Eli liked that. And then he remembered what Jay had called him earlier that night—partner in crime. His heart swelled even more.
"You're so smart," Jay added and cut into Eli's thoughts, "that you'll probably go to all those schools Tantoo wants you to. All of them. No stopping, just learning."
"Nah," Eli said, laughing a little. "I don't want to think about that now."
"Okay. But you are smart, Eli. It's why I keep you around. You get me, even if it's in an odd way, like with the play." Jay paused for a minute, growing sombre. "Even in the moments where I fuck up, you don't let me get away."
They grew quiet. Eli wasn't sure what he could say back to that response. Jay had fucked up tonight, that was for sure. But it wasn't irredeemable, even if the storm made it feel that way. They just had to make it through to morning. When Eli thought about it that way, that was no time at all. Nothing like the almost ten years he had fucked up when Jay had kissed him and he had responded with "gross". Eli felt the weight of that remark and the time it had cost him. One night in a tree house was nothing. Now that he and Jay were speaking again, Eli didn't want to ruin what they had once again with his fear of heights and thunderstorms, and blaming Jay for saying too many words.
"I'm sorry I got us into this," Jay apologized again. "I swear this was not how I envisioned the night."
"It's okay," Eli said, leaning closer. He told himself it was just for warmth. "How did you envision it?"
Jay laughed. Eli expected him to go on this long and winding story, almost as good as the one at the party, but Jay's voice was sad and quiet. "I just wanted to have a fun night before I go. I wanted to have you around, like we were kids again, and then maybe have a good ending before I got on the bus. I just… I wanted something happy for once, not an endless tale. Or a tragedy."
"I get that," Eli said. "But we'd see each other at the rez, wouldn't we? We can just try again."
"No, Eli. I'm leaving."
"Wait, what?"
"I said I'm leaving." Jay's voice was strong, but it shook slightly when he looked at Eli again. "Pass me my bag?"
Eli nodded, but couldn't move. When Jay took the backpack from his hands, he dug deep inside. He pulled out a notebook with names and addresses on it.
"These are the people that Maggie knows. And the people that Tim knows. And then people who know them, and them, and them." Jay's fingers traced over the letters and names, some written in English but most written in Siksika. "I'm gonna go and stay with a few people for a few days, and then make my way from there."
"What?" Eli's voice was horse, the muggy air suddenly turned to dry desert heat. He didn't understand. Didn't they just buy tickets? Weren't they going to get on the bus together? This was just a party. A shitty party full of people who didn't understand. Eli never thought, not for a second, that Jay was leaving.
Jay seemed to anticipate some of Eli's questions and reached into his coat pocket. He pulled out Eli's ticket and handed it to him, but then held his own alongside. Sure enough, the boarding pass read for the next town over, then the next, into a long line map points steadily out of the town outside of Saskatoon.
"I didn't specify a time for most of this—I mean, I can go whenever I want, but I knew I wanted to try to head out tonight. I'm sorry about yours—the bus closest to the rez doesn't run until about noon tomorrow again, so we can hang out until I go. Or something. I just…"
"You were planning this all along? And you didn't tell me?"
"I was going to," Jay said, voice quiet. He folded his ticket away again, but left Eli's in his hand. "Remember when we were drinking Coke and I was selling cigarettes?"
Eli nodded. Of course he did. That was only this afternoon, but Jay was talking like it was nearly twenty years ago.
"I was gonna tell you then. But Mark showed up and he invited us out and I thought, why not? Why not go to one last shitty party and say my peace?"
"So why did you bring me?"
Jay looked hurt by the question. "Why not? You're the one
person I care about on the rez. Now that my grandma's not there, at least. You're the one person who I thought could know and understand things… just…fuck. I'm not smart, Eli. I had a plan…"
Jay trailed off and balled his hands into fists. Eli wanted to say something and comfort him, but he couldn't get past what had just happened.
"I just… I just I figure now is as good as ever, you know? Especially after the guys chased us out of the party and when I got into a fight with those guys. That just made me even more determined that I was making the right decision. It's like—there is nothing here for me. Nothing at all. So I'm finally just going to leave. Like I always said I would."
"Everyone says they'll leave…" Eli trailed off.
"Yeah. Well. This time I'm really gonna go. Even if I have to wait all morning in a tree house, then cut my hair, so no one recognizes me at the station. I'm going to get in a bus and just go."
None of this felt right. Beyond the obvious fact that Eli didn't see any of it coming, and that it felt as if Jay had deceived him, nothing was registering in Eli's mind. Jay been so content on the rez for so long that he didn't know or understand why he could suddenly just change. More than that, Eli realized he was so floored because everyone had told him that he would be the one to leave. He was the one doing "something" with his life; he was the one going to get an education. Mrs. Cherry had kept him after class and given him more and more books to read, acting as if they were going to act out Dead Poets Society rather than Pocahontas. Eli had been the golden child—a lightning boy—and everyone thought so and told him so.
And that's why I'm upset. Everyone told me I could be good, but I'm just a scared fucking boy in a tree house, waiting out a storm. Even if Jay had just been fucking around and selling cigarettes, Jay now had the means to leave. He didn't have anything holding him back.
"What about your sisters?"
Jay shrugged. "Maggie probably figured out what I was planning when I started to ask for names. But she's good—she has Tim. They all have someone else. They all have families. I don't have any of that. Not in the way they do. I probably won't ever…."
Jay trailed off, an idea blooming in his mind. He nudged Eli's shoulder, which almost knocked him over.
"You should come."
"What?"
"You should come with me. I know I bought you a ticket that was for back there, but I should have asked you. You should come with me—it would be perfect." Jay ran a hand through his hair, his dark eyes wild when the moon struck them right. "I mean, what was it that you said earlier today? When we know people, the world gets smaller—but in a good way? In a manageable way. If you come with me, we could do anything, Eli."
Eli didn't push the thought out of his mind like he did with most things that scared him. He let the idea of going with Jay stay for a while, building in the front and then working its way into his memories. He had always been with Jay, in some form or another. They were alike enough to get along, but different enough to stay interesting. He thought of Tantoo, and all the things she wanted for him. Wouldn't she be lonely? He worried about this, then he remembered her words about community. Eli turned to Jay, the thought almost final in his head. If he went, he could have the world. They could share it together.
But through the window, Eli saw another sudden fork of lightning across the field. He gasped as the rain picked up harder, half coming into the tree house. He turned towards Jay with a sudden start. Jay grabbed hold of Eli's arm easily, and then began to count.
"One, two…" Jay reached eight before they both sighed. The storm was coming closer.
"No..." Eli moaned. "Oh God, no."
*~*~*
"One, two…" Jay only got to four this time. "Fuck."
Eli remained immobile in the corner of the tree house. Jay looked around, through his bag, and then peered out through the window again. The rain picked up to a roar. Each time lightning lit up the sky, the Saskatchewan plain looked like a huge painting hung up above the world. If Eli hadn't been so terrified, he would have been in awe. Jay kept touching his front pocket where his cigarettes were, but not smoking them, because they had gotten too wet in the run. He was scared too, but Eli didn't know why. He was always so much braver than Eli.
"Fuck," Jay said again when another bolt came down. "What the hell, man? This keeps getting closer. Fuck. We need to get down."
As Jay move to grab the ladder, blue-and -red sirens sounded. Two black cars, barely visible now under the sheet of rain and darkness, drove across the road and around the mechanic shop. Jay dropped the ladder in his hand. "Damnit."
Eli still hadn't moved or talked. He needed to pretend he wasn't there. Even if they could get down from the tree house without being caught by the police, that wasn't what he needed to do during a storm. They would only get wet and cranky, and where would they hide after that? It was nearly two in the morning now. There would be no way they could hide in the mechanic shop, and walking would only get them arrested if cops kept coming by. No, Eli needed to pretend he was not there, that he didn't exist. He needed to go backwards through time, like a stitch in fabric, in order to undo what had been done.
"You okay?" Jay asked. He grabbed Eli's shoulder, then trailed down to his hand. Eli had been tearing at a loose thread in the sweater he was wearing, and had now acquired a pile of thread.
"Oh. I didn't know… I'm sorry, this is yours."
"It's okay, man, it's a sweater. But you—are you okay?"
Eli didn't shake his head, but he didn't nod, either.
Jay sighed. "Tell me how to make this better? What do you usually do?"
Eli's eyes scanned Jay. He had never offered to help before. Whether because they were young and foolish when Eli's fear had been made known, or now because being stuck in the tree was partly Jay's fault, Eli didn't care to question the motives. But he still struggled to say exactly what he needed.
"Nothing…"
"No, tell me. Maybe I can help."
"No, I mean I usually pretend I'm nothing. I hide under blankets in my room. I wait for the storm to pass. I go back in time…."
"Okay." Jay slid next to Eli in the tree house, nestling Eli into the corner and then placing himself close by. "Is this okay?"
"Kind of…" Eli pulled his legs up close to himself, then closed his eyes. He heard Jay's heavy breathing and it broke the illusion. As comforting as Jay was right there, Eli needed something more. He grabbed the backpack and tried to use it as a pillow, but that didn't work either. Jay watched out the window, counting after each lightning strike.
"That's good," Eli said. "The counting helps. Makes me feel…"
"Mechanical. Like a pattern?"
Eli nodded.
"Yeah, I get that. When the world is overwhelming, it's good to put it in boxes."
Eli titled his head. Jay's eyes caught his own and a quick understanding passed between them. Jay reached out a hand and grazed Eli's shoulder. His palm's movement back and forth, back and forth, made Eli feel rested, tired. Even as another bolt of lightning happened in the background, Jay's hands on him made Eli feel safe.
"I like this," Eli said. "This is good."
He turned towards Jay a little more, nestling into his body so his ear was over Jay's chest. The lub-dub of his heart was a steady, easier pace than the roar of rain. Jay also turned towards Eli, rocking their bodies together. He placed a hand on the back of Eli's neck and then rested his chin on top of his head.
"Good. I can keep doing this. It's easy."
Another lightning bolt. And another. Jay kept counting and Eli kept listening to his heart. The count between strikes stalled on three for a long time, as if the storm had gotten tired. When Jay counted and the next numbers were four or five, Eli felt safer. The rain and everything else around was still a lot—he still needed Jay close by—but the frantic fear was no longer coursing through him.
"You feeling better?"
"More or less."
Jay gave Eli a funny look. "I still don't
like the sound of that."
"I'm sorry."
"God, don't apologize. You're worse than normal Canadians. Just let me keep helping you, okay?"
"Okay." Eli smiled. He nestled back under Jay's chin and felt his hands move up and down his back.
"Hey," Jay whispered. "Take off your shirt?"
"Um." Eli shifted and held his arms close to his chest, as if to protect himself. "Why?"
"The touch calms you, right? I had a cousin who got panic attacks. She said she always felt better when someone touched her, because it let her know she wasn't alone. I think you're the same way."
"But…" Eli trailed off. He was about to argue that he used to pretend to be nothing, to be alone—when he realized that he only pretended to be nothing because he had no other choice. Tantoo was always sleeping in her chair when storms came. Or she was out with someone else. Eli was always alone when storms were around, except for that first one, when he wasn't quite born yet. Then he was with his mother and everything wasn't so scary, even if the house had been split in two.
"Okay," Eli agreed slowly. "Just… Just touching, right? Like before, but with no shirt?"
Jay's face fell for a moment. "I'm not gonna hurt you, Eli. Not going do anything gay."
"No, I don't mind that."
"Well… Wait. What?"
"I don't mind that you're gay. I never have." Eli took off the big sweater, then touched the edge of his damp t-shirt and jacket. He was about to remove the rest of it when he saw the look in Jay's eyes. He was remembering the "gross" remark—he had to be. He looked half-disappointed, and then angry. "I… I didn't mean to hurt you when we were kids."
"You still remember that?"
"Uh-huh. I only meant… I didn't want to have sex."
Jay tilted his head. "We were like, seven, weren't we?"
"Twelve. I was twelve."
"Either way. We were so young. I don't even think I knew how men had sex. Why did you think I would?"
"Because kissing leads to sex. Marriage leads to sex. Everything does. And I don't want to have sex."
Jay paused. "Wait. Like with anyone? Not just with me—or men?"
Eli felt his face redden. He was relieved, for a moment, as the moon slipped behind the clouds. He couldn't even hear the thunder or see lightning anymore—only Jay and only his heart beating inside his chest.
The Life and Death of Eli and Jay Page 7