by Mia Natasha
I said, “If we have more than one son, which we only joke about because three children is our ideal, then Zeus said he’ll be called Toto, so that when we introduce them we can say, these our our children, Zoe, Helena, Odysseus and Toto too.”
“Uh-hmm.” Gina continued to multi-task. She kept her eyes on that tiny screen while sipping her drink and listening to my chatter. Sometimes she pulls the game up on her computer screen at work too. It’s her thingy, her Achilles’ heel.
“One of these days, Mr. Cochran’s going to catch you blitzing at work. I hope you don’t bring that thing to my wedding. That would be rude.”
I didn’t mean to imply that she was rude at that moment. I was just a little bit afraid she would spill more alcohol and this time wet my Juicy Couture, which I had purchased for my honeymoon for when I go to the spa. I shouldn’t have been wearing the velour sweats, but they’re so comfy. I realized how very Bridezilla I had sounded, only thinking about myself. I was about to apologize for my rude quip. Then she said what she’d said.
“I’m reading your blog.”
That’s when my stomach dropped to the floor. It was like in those old cartoons when Tom eats Jerry and the mouse fights his way out from the tail and back out of the cat’s mouth. I felt my voice fall down my windpipe, into my stomach and float all around my body with that tingly sensation of faint. Gina knows.
I cleared my throat and found I was still awake and alive, and able to speak, but I didn’t know what to say. I emptied the flute and poured myself another then drank its entirety. “I…I…eye-ya-yey,” I managed, which sounded a lot like what Mrs. Estabien, my high school Spanish teacher, used to say when she caught Zeus and I necking in the halls.
“I commented on it. I was wondering why you hadn’t responded to it,” she said. “See?”
I held her cell in my shaky hands. My worlds collided in a single instant. Then I saw all the comments including hers.
Thank you all for generously commenting on my blog, by the way. I had no idea! Your support means a lot to me. I didn’t think I’d be so emotional realizing that so many of you were out there. I moved my chair closer so that Gina and I could look at the screen together. I read Gina’s message about the Manhattan Troupe. She was right, of course. They hadn’t been Chippendale dancers at all. Gina has such a great memory, which comes from sharing stories with her husband. Sometimes he uses her ideas in his films.
“Gina, please don’t tell anyone,” I blurted. “If Vince knew…it would be a back-two-three and a toe-ball-change away from Zeus finding out. Then I’ll lose everything.”
“Is that a Greek hop, skip and a jump?” she asked.
“Please, Gina,” I pleaded.
“I’m proud of you, silly-wills,” she said. “I only wish I’d thought of doing something similar. It would have been nice to have grabbed gusto before I got married. Then I wouldn’t have had that affair with Mr. Cochran’s son.”
“That wasn’t an affair, Gina,” I replied. “It was an accidental lip lock that resulted in a fucksy.”
“A fucksy?”
“You know, like a whoop-sie. His pricker fell into your hole. That could have happened to anyone stuck in an elevator as long as you two were.”
“That’s true,” she said. “So what are you going to do about Rob?”
“Who?”
That’s when we moved inside to look at Putting the Madge in Danna on my laptop. Gina found my things-to-do spiral and began to jot down all of Rob-the-actor’s comments. There were eleven of them!
“‘I’m an actor. Please fuck me,’” Gina read.
I asked, “Who do you think he is?”
“Can’t you tell?” Gina said and smiled knowingly.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, his name is Rob. What actor named Robert is in New York right now making a movie?”
I’ve been so busy lately, I haven’t been keeping up with the world of Entertainment Tonight. Zeus and I usually have it on during dinner because we think the jingle is catchy. Knowledge of celebrity gossip is a by-product. It’s how we found out about Michael Jackson’s death. I’m sure everyone remembers where they were when that bit of news happened. Zeus was eating sushi off my nipsey-russells.
I had no clue about the current state of movie-making affairs. “I don’t know,” I said. “Who?”
“Come on, Dani. There was a melée. He got hit by a taxi. It was all over the news.” She looked like she was waiting for me to go, oh! – but I was still confused. “He’s fine. It wasn’t serious.” I gave her the scrunched up nose face. “Rpatz?” she said. “I think he wants to get all Twilighty on you.”
Zeus and I did a vampire bit once. He climbed up the fire escape and over the balcony ledge while I waited in the kitchen with two electric fans going so I could look all Victorian-ethereal, sort of the way Beyoncé looks in concert. I wore that strapless bridesmaid gown from Demetrios’ wedding, the one with the titties-in-a-sling look – navy silk easy on-easy off. Good times.
I asked, “Are you sure?” Gina pointed out all the other commenters, including that famous director who commented on my interaction with Kai. Apparently, like Zeus, there are other men who happen to enjoy a bloody hoo-ha now and again. It all made sense in a surreal way. The internet really does make it a small world. Celebrities can be your friends. I gasped. “Oh my god!”
“He must be lonely being that he’s so far away from home,” Gina added. “New York is so different from Hollywood or London.”
“That makes sense,” I said. “But what about that, I fucked Madonna and I’ll fuck you the same way line. That can’t be true.”
“Maybe he was trying to capture your attention,” she said. “He probably Googled you up and found your Facebook page. I mean, look at you, Dannika Elinopoulous…”
“…Soon to be Zepkos,” I chimed in.
“You can have any actor you want,” she suggested. “Why not utilize what sits right in front of you.” She pointed to the screen, to Rob’s name. “We’re already going to be staying at the Marriott when we go to Manhattan for the last hurrah. Why not take him up on his offer for the final bow?” She looked at me and batted her long eyelashes the way we do to each other when we go out to Tony’s after work and pretend to flirt with each other lezzy style until our men arrive.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“I’ll help you,” Gina said. I’ll be your partner in fucky-wuck crime.” She poured us each another glass trying to be as careful as she could while giggling – I guess because she has picked up the vernacular of fucksy-speak as a result of hanging around with me for so long. She picked up her flute and we clinked to her toast. “To fucking an actor, Madonna style. May her conquests be yours.”
“To Madonna,” I said. “The guiding light of fucksters everywhere.”
Gina was right, of course, and I am running out of time. Rob, you’re the one.
Comments: 1
I’ll be waiting at 11:30pm to fuck you senseless. Rob, NY, NY
****
Home for Wayward Hooeys
Thursday, August 27, 2009 - 10:30pm
Zeus is home from Japan. I picked him up at the airport and we made serious kissy face as soon as we saw each other.
“Wow,” he said when our lips parted. “I should go away more often.”
“What? No!” Honestly, I didn’t think I could stand him being away for a month again - maybe a day here or a day there, but no more than that.
“I’m kidding.” He squeezed me tightly and I could feel the big kazoo trying to make an appearance through Zeus’ suit pants – it was throbbing at the bit. “I missed you, Dani.”
“Me too. I love you so much.”
“I love you so much more,” he replied. “There’s no place like home. Hey, I brought you something.”
I said, “I can feel it. Let’s hurry back to the apartment, and I can unwrap it for you.” My hooey was on fire for him.
“No, it can’t wait until then,
” he said. We looked into each other’s eyes, which had the makings of a tantric moment. We kissed again. I was thinking how my denim halter dress kept me only a knot away from getting naked, which a simple wrist flick could have easily rectified. I was sure he was thinking the same thing the way his hands caressed my naked back.
“Okay, then,” I said after a few more minutes of lip locking. “There’s a unisex bathroom over there, the one with the baby-changing table. We can go in and the big kazoo can finish me off.”
“Sounds tempting, angel, but it’s not that kind of gift,” Zeus said. “Although I’m sure the cuntessa could use some protein in the form of…Dani, stop.” I guess I was gyrating against Zeus’ pricker in an inappropriate way, because his tone was so firm, almost like a reprimand. There were heaps of people milling about but I didn’t really care because when I’m with Zeus, sometimes it feels like we’re the only two people in the universe almost like Adam and Eve who probably did the horizontal fucky everywhere and anywhere in that Garden of Eden. Zeus released me from his warm hug, and the image of the first man and his ribbon candy up in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G faded. We moved over to the seats by the nearest gate.
Zeus pulled a blue velvet box from his suit jacket pocket. “What is it?” I asked.
“Open it.”
I gasped with glee at the necklace inside. “It’s beautiful,” I said.
“I didn’t want to wait,” he said. “It’s your wedding gift. I figured you probably got me something even though we said no gifts. I didn’t want to look like the cheapo. I know how you feel about that. So, I splurged – but only a little. The gold chain is from the crucifix Grand-Yaya had given me when we were in Greece the last time. You’re only borrowing that. Do you recognize the pearl?”
“Yes,” I said. It was from the promise ring. Zeus had gone down on one knee when he’d presented it to me at camp during the summer when we were thirteen. Will you friendship me? he’d said nervously. I think he’d bought it with the money he’d earned fixing bicycles. I had wondered where it had disappeared to. The ring didn’t fit anymore, and I was thinking of having it reset, but it had vanished from my jewelry box. “It’s the something old, isn’t it?”
“Uh-huh. And the diamond is new and blue.”
“I didn’t know they even made blue diamonds,” I said, as Zeus placed the necklace around my neck. It was perfect.
“Mr. Okinawa’s wife is a jeweler,” he said. “She had it all set for me. I love the way the blue heart looks like the ones you draw when you heart-dot your Is.”
I would have shed a tear, if I hadn’t been thinking what his reaction to my gift for him would be – to the Ford Jitsu original. I ended up picking the photograph where I’m leaning against the Harley sans rubber pricker, wearing only the leather cap and my engagement ring. The photographer had framed the poster-sized one for me for free, which was nice of him – this economy can’t be great for freelance artists - unless he considered it cunt currency?
Not sure where we’ll display it in our home - probably under the bed or behind the closet door. Somewhere discreet. I also purchased wallet-sized copies for Zeus to peruse every time he needs a quick pick-me-up. I was going to wait until after the honeymoon to give them to him. Now I definitely will, since Zeus went all sentimental on me. Is he even going to like my nudie-toons special or will he think it’s tacky?
He’s usually the funny one of the two of us. I mean, he’s always the life of the party whenever we go to parties. At his parents’ twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, he’d created a slapstick slideshow of their lives. Somehow, he’d gotten former President Jimmy Carter to tape a congratulations to them. I think Zeus had met him at the American Consulate in Cairo or something, but I don’t remember. When Mr. Carter had said, and I heard you like peanuts, Zeus had rigged it so that it rained peanuts in the Calypso Room at Eli’s. Petra still hasn’t stopped mentioning what a pain it was to clean it all up, although she always laughs too, so it couldn’t have been that bad. Funny right? But this time….
“I thought you could wear it on Sunday,” he said. “Something old, something new, something borrowed…”
“And something blue,” we said together.
“Of course, I’ll wear it on our wedding day, Zeus,” I said. We kissed some more and said I-love-yous about a dozen times.
“I have an idea,” he said, “and it’s about sex.”
“Okay,” I said. “Let’s go.” I rose and got behind the luggage cart in order to push it, like his love slave.
“I mean, I think we should wait until after the wedding to do it,” he said.
“What?”
“I just think it’ll be better, you know,” he continued. “Building anticipation for the wedding night.”
“So we can be like virgins after we peel out of our fancy whites?” I asked.
Zeus rose and we started walking towards the exit. The cart was harder to push than I thought, especially while carrying my overstuffed purse. “I want to feel like I’m touching you for the very first time,” he said as he took over the pushcart. “Then we can go to town, of course. It’ll be like a clean slate and I’ll have something special planned. Something you’ll never forget.” The conversation veered into Japanese culture territory and remained there through the evening. Did you know that Japanese animé characters have big eyes to resemble the American soldiers who helped rebuild Japan after WWII? I know, me neither.
I didn’t even try to pester him about the something special – I wanted to, but Zeus can be very stubborn when it comes to surprises. I couldn’t stop thinking about it the whole night and I still can’t. Not sure what it’ll be – what haven’t we done? I’m looking forward to it and so are my orifices.
In a way, I’m so relieved right now, not only because Zeus has returned safely, but because he knows nothing about this blog or its contents – unlike Gina Romano. He doesn’t suspect a thing! I had hoped I would have completed my Madonna inspired trysts before Zeus returned from Japan. But this is okay too – better actually. Because now I can concentrate on completing my mission without getting caught up in the whirlwind of romance. Unless I’m creating my own tornado.
I drove Zeus to his parent’s house where we had a vegetarian moussaka and Greek salad with huge chunks of Feta. Then I went home, freed my needy pinky-pinkerson from the confines of its dental floss-thin thong and took myself over the rainbow.
Comments: 2
This is so exciting! Ro, Miami, FL
Good luck, Danna. T. McGillicutty, Providence, RI
****
Glassy Rehearsal
Saturday, August 29, 2009 – 10:30am
Being the center of attention can have its advantages, especially when I’m not quite myself and my brothers have to be nice to me. Not sure how Mom and Dad managed to turn them into gentlemen overnight, but after only a minor bit of shenanigans, they acted the part yesterday at my wedding rehearsal and at the dinner that followed – probably more for Zeus because they like him so much. Everyone does.
I can’t say the same for my behavior last night, because something ugly happened. I think I was cursed by the gods. I should have worn Connie Zepkos’ evil eye or a crucifix, or a red Kabbalah string bracelet.
One of the best parts of a Greek wedding is that you don’t really know what the priest is saying. As I’ve mentioned before, I have a very rudimentary understanding of the Greek language, a more Greeklish, if you will. I prefer this, of course, because then you don’t have to get all gooey-eyed and emotional, and muck up your make-up for the photos. You just stand there and smile, drink a little Jesus wine-blood, throw on some gold rings, and pouf, an hour and a half later, you’re married!
Father Phillip speaks English and can do the ceremony both ways, but I prefer the less emotional of the two. As I’ve mentioned before, the whole chuckle-headed laughter and hysterical tears paradigm has no place in the arena of a well documented event. It’s supposed to be the happiest day of my life. Can’t have peop
le thinking I’m a whack-a-doo. I don’t want to look anything less than camera-ready when I’m paparazzoed and video-taped. Well, actually, Vince Romano plans to film in 35mm so that the wedding will look like the concert footage in Truth or Dare. It’ll have a high definition look and everything! Zeus and I can laugh and cry while we’re watching it later, over popcorn and Champagne, and lots of sexy-sexy.
Unfortunately, I had some trouble keeping my emotions in check last night. The practice run had its share of slapstick, although at the time, it was more like impending doom than robotic dance inducing entertainment, and I turned into a sort of ethereal wicked witch sans cool breeze. I was dressed in my dream evening gown - bohemian styling, in a coral silk maxi dress worn with a red jasper and turquoise necklace and matching heels. I know, I couldn’t believe it either when I found them on-line for half price – gemstone wedges! I wore my hair in a loose side braid. It seemed the perfect outfit except that someone had forgotten to turn on the air conditioners at church and that place of god was like a holy hellhole.
Everyone was there milling about – our parents, grandparents, several aunties and uncles, the koumbari, my eleven bridesmaids and Zeus’ eleven ushers, the two flower girls, our little ring bearer, and Father Philip. A handful of others as well, like the parents of the youngsters in the wedding party and the church secretary, Mrs. Helios, sat in the pews. The last time I had spoken to her via a phone conversation at work, she nearly gave me agida. Mom says it all the time – you’re going to give me agida! Whatever it is, the word seemed to fit the bill. Mrs. Helios wasn’t smiling, at least at me. They were all talking in clumped conversations as at a cocktail party, but their voices echoed off the flying buttresses of the cathedral, and it started getting really loud. Nothing like a typical church service, when everyone is respectful of the priest’s archaic sing-song.
The antics really began with Dean and Demetrios, who fought over which one would walk Mom down the aisle – Dean got to do it already at Demetrios’ wedding - so it was decided that they’d both do it – Zeus’ suggestion since Demetrios had another important role, which seemed fair. They didn’t know how to offer Mom their arms so she had to stand there looking like a sugar bowl with her arms as the handles, which they linked into. I did not appear particularly lady-like or demure bridey when I stepped in to direct, which is what I get for not hiring a wedding planner.