“Hey, cowboy.” She walked toward him and he noticed her feet were bare—an odd thing to notice when his pulse was about to burst through his veins.
She stood on tiptoes to kiss him and his blood pressure edged up a few notches. The fragrant scent of the roses and her sexy smile blended into a beautiful picture of the evening ahead.
“If I didn’t have my hands full, I’d ravage you right now.”
She flipped her hair back and took the roses from him. “I’ll put these in water. And thank you.”
He followed her into the kitchen and held up the bottle of champagne. “Do you want this now or later?”
Settling the flowers into a vase filled with water, she shot him a teasing glance. “What do you think?”
“There’s only one thing I want right now, and it’s not liquor. I get high just looking at you in that skimpy thing.”
Her eyes sparkled with glee. “You’ll have to catch me first.” She ran around the table and he followed, finally managing to corral her and swing her into his arms. With laughter and giggles smothered with heated kisses, he made his way to the bedroom and dropped her onto the bed. The laughter died away as he joined her.
The first long, drugging kiss faded into an afternoon of pleasure. Tuf fell asleep in her arms, never wanting this moment to end.
Sometime later, happiness dimmed with the sounds of war. Gunfire blasted all around him. His buddy Frank went down.
“Tomas, I’m hit.”
He fired wildly at the insurgents as he dashed toward Frank and examined him. “It’s a shoulder wound.”
“It hurts.”
Another marine dropped down beside them and they pulled Frank behind a boulder. “Stay here. We’ll pick you up on the way down.”
“Tomas!”
“Stay calm. We’re waiting for mortar fire.” Just then all hell broke loose as a U.S. attack chopper blasted the insurgents.
“Go. Go. Go!” Tuf shouted as they charged up the hill. They reached the top and faced the enemy. “No. No. No!” There was no other way. He had to save his life and the life of his unit. “No!”
“Tuf! Tuf! Tuf!”
Someone was calling him. A woman’s voice. Cheyenne!
He forced himself awake and found he was at the foot of the bed, covered in sweat, his muscles tight, his hands balled into fists. Cheyenne cringed against the headboard, fear in her eyes. She held one arm against her as if to protect herself. A red welt marred her upper arm.
“Oh, God. Did…did I hit you?”
She crawled toward him. “You had a nightmare and I tried to calm you.”
“Oh, no, I hit you.”
“It was an accident. Let me hold you. It will be okay.”
“Don’t touch me.” He jumped from the bed and reached for his jeans. “I’m bad for you. Can’t you see that?”
“No. I just see a man who’s hurting.”
He shoved his arms into his shirt. “I saw the look in your eyes. You were afraid.”
“Yes, but only for a moment. It brought back a lot of bad memories, but I know you’re not like Ryan. You would never hit me in anger.”
He stopped buttoning his shirt and faced her. “There’s something bad inside me, Cheyenne. It’s so bad I can’t even think about it in the light of day. It only comes to me in horrifying dreams. I thought happiness had freed me from them, but it hasn’t. The horror is still there torturing me, and until I know what it is, there is no future for us.”
“What?”
“You were right. You should have never gotten involved with another marine. I’m sorry.”
Her trembling hands tucked her hair behind her ears. “You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, I do.” He shoved his bare feet into his boots. He didn’t know where his socks were and he didn’t care. He had to go. He had to run.
He looked into her eyes and all he saw was the fear. “I can’t risk hurting you. I will not put you through that again.”
“You’re hurting me now.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He hit the door, running to his truck and leaving everything he’d ever wanted behind.
* * *
CHEYENNE SAT PARALYZED, and then the trembling set in. Tears soon followed. They ran down her face and onto her hands. She kept wiping them away, but more followed. It was over. Their relationship was over. Just like that. Without warning.
His tossing and turning had awakened her. Then he started screaming, flailing his arms. She tried to hold him, comfort him, but one flailing arm caught her and knocked her against the headboard. All the times Ryan had hit her and she’d tried to protect herself flooded her and she didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t help him, just like she couldn’t help Ryan. Except Tuf hadn’t hit her deliberately. But it didn’t make a difference. To Tuf it was the same thing.
Her stomach cramped and she wrapped her arms around herself, feeling a pain like she’d never felt before. She eased onto the tumbled peach comforter and let the tears flow until she had no strength left. This time she knew without a doubt she would not recover. Her heart had burst open with pain, and there was no way to put it back together again.
But for her daughters she would find the strength to go on.
* * *
TUF PARKED HIS TRUCK at the house and then ran into miles and miles of Thunder Ranch land. He ran until he had no air left to breathe and then he fell to the grass and stared up at the dark sky. Thoughts and emotions warred for dominance inside him but he forced himself not to think. When he could breathe again, he slowly walked home.
Darkness engulfed him and he welcomed it, but nothing could hide the turmoil eating at him. His mother was in the kitchen and he hoped to get past her. That wasn’t possible. He hadn’t been able to do it as a boy, and he couldn’t do it now.
“Tomas, you’re home early.” She turned from the sink to look at him. “What’s wrong?” Her mother’s instinct zeroed in on his face.
“Nothing. I’m fine.” He headed for the stairs.
“Tomas…”
Voices floated up from the kitchen. “Buddy, what are you doing here…and with a gun?”
Tuf paused at the top of the stairs.
“Where’s Tuf? I’m gonna kill him. He hurt Cheyenne. He hurt her bad.”
“What are you talking about?”
Tuf, tired and weary, took a few steps down the stairs to face Buddy. His mom, Ace and Colt stood behind Buddy.
He held his arms wide. “Go ahead, Buddy. Fire away. I deserve it.”
Before Buddy could move, his mom jerked the shotgun out of his hand. “Nobody’s killing anybody. Now tell me what’s going on.”
“I hit Cheyenne,” Tuf said loud and clear.
His mother paled. Even from where he was standing he could see that. He couldn’t stop hurting people.
“What?” Buddy seemed confused. “You hit Cheyenne. She didn’t tell me that.”
“Yes.”
“You sorry…”
“Everybody calm down.” Colt stepped forward and looked up at Tuf. “You had another nightmare, didn’t you? And you hit her accidently?”
“Nightmare? What are you talking about, Colton?” his mom asked.
Colt sighed. “Tuf has flashback nightmares from the war. He had one when we were on the road. In his mind he’s still fighting, trying to save his men. Beau and I could hardly hold him down.”
“My son is hurting and no one told me. I do not like this and I will not have my sons keeping things from me.”
Ace hugged his mother. “We’ll talk about this later.”
“You bet we will.”
“C’mon, Tuf,” Colt urged. “You know it was an accident. Cheyenne knows that, too.”
Austin slipped into the room. Cheyenne must have called him.
“This can be worked out.” Colt kept on.
“I hit her. Do you understand that? She was scared out of her mind, not knowing if I was going to hit her again. There’s nothing acceptable about that t
o me. She doesn’t deserve to live with someone like that, and that’s all I’m saying. Now please leave me alone.”
“Let’s go, Dad.” Austin put an arm around Buddy’s shoulders, and Sarah handed Austin the gun. “What do you mean bringing a gun over here?”
“It’s not loaded. I just wanted to scare him.”
“You scared Sarah.”
“I’m sorry, Sarah.”
“Go home and take care of Cheyenne.”
Buddy and Austin turned toward the kitchen. “What are we gonna tell those babies?” Buddy asked. “They worship him.”
“Cheyenne will handle it, and she and Tuf will work this out.”
Their voices faded as they went out the back door. He stared down at his mother and his brothers and then continued up the stairs. He paused when he was out of sight.
“Tomas, I want to talk to you.”
“Mom.” Ace’s voice sounded stressed. “Tuf’s running on empty and we need to give him some space.”
“Why? He needs our love and support.”
“But not right now. He has to sort this out on his own. We all know he loves Cheyenne, but he has to figure out that’s all that matters. He needs time.”
“My son needs me.”
“Mom…”
“And why wasn’t I told about these flashbacks?”
“Let’s go to the kitchen and we’ll talk about it.”
Tuf went into his room and closed the door. He stood there feeling as though he was going to pass out from all the emotions churning in him. He backed against the wall and slid down it like a wet noodle. Drawing his knees up, he rested his forehead on them. Why was he always fighting that war? Why couldn’t he wipe it from his mind?
He raised his head and stared straight ahead but saw nothing. His thoughts were inward. For the first time he forced himself to finish the dream. What was so terrifying on the top of that hill? So terrifying that it was lodged in the dark crevices of his mind, forgotten until he closed his eyes in deep sleep. What was it? All he remembered was the blasts of gunfire and then running down the hill to pick up Frank, the Afghan soldier, and check on Michael.
What was it? With the ball of his hands, he rubbed his eyes hard, but there was no answer. He was stuck in this hell that had no end.
The door opened, and Ace and Colt walked in. Colt sank down on one side of him and Ace on the other. They stretched out their legs and didn’t say a word. No one spoke. It stayed that way for about fifteen minutes.
Finally, Ace said, “I can’t believe Mom hasn’t changed this room. It’s the same as when you were twelve years old.”
“Wonder if my room is the same,” Colt mused. “I haven’t been up here in ages.”
“I’m sure Mom took down the naked women a long time ago,” Ace retorted.
“Nah. She found them a week after I put them up and they’re history. Your room is probably the same since you lived here until a year ago, but I bet that photo of Flynn is still hidden in your dresser.”
“Nope. I took the picture with me when I moved.”
The more his brothers talked, the more the pain loosened its grip.
Ace drew up his knees. “I remember how furious Dad was when you branded your furniture.”
“Yeah. I was grounded for a month. I couldn’t go to rodeos. That was tough.”
“Did you buy the curtains and comforter?” Ace asked. “I can’t remember.”
“Hell, no. Mom and Dinah did that. Horseshoe sheets included.”
“You still sleep on horseshoe sheets?” Colt was trying very hard not to laugh.
“Yes. What’s wrong with that?”
“Davey has horses on his.”
“Shut up.” But from somewhere dark and deep within him where all the pain lived, a light found its way out. A light of laughter.
They laughed and it seemed so ironic for this traumatic day.
“You know, life wasn’t so bad when we were kids,” Colt added. “It was only later as Dad started drinking that life took a different turn, but we were still a family. Mom made sure of that.”
Colt and Ace got up and each reached out a hand and pulled him to his feet.
“We’re sorry you’re hurting so much.” Ace rubbed Tuf’s shoulder. “Get some rest. You’re dead on your feet. Tomorrow things will look a little better.”
Colt threw an arm around Tuf. “Ace is right, and I don’t say that often.”
“Get some sleep,” Ace said before the door closed.
Tuf fell across his bed fully clothed and with his boots on. He was so tired. He didn’t have the energy to change. Sleep tugged at his eyes and he closed them, letting his mind take him wherever it wanted to go. Nothing mattered anymore.
Before the much-needed slumber claimed him, he saw Cheyenne’s frightened face. It would be with him for the rest of his life.
Chapter Sixteen
The next morning, Tuf woke up still fully clothed and stiff. He hadn’t moved all night and his shoulder was aching. He ripped off his clothes and took a hot shower.
He picked up his jeans to remove his wallet and loose change. He pulled out the small velvet pouch with Cheyenne’s ring and his Silver Star. One was his past and the other he had hoped to be his future. He expelled a long breath. He placed the medal in the tray of buckles he’d won in his youth. The ring he slipped into his pocket, clinging to the last shred of hope he had.
To accept a future, he had to let the war go. He knew that as well as he knew his own name. And he prayed it was a possibility.
Over the next couple of days, Tuf’s family gave him his space just as they had when he’d first come home. The first morning, his mom hugged him and told him she loved him, and that was it. No one pressured him. He spent that morning with his counselor going over every detail of the dream. With each dream, the details often changed, but his traumatic reaction when he reached the top of the hill was always the same.
They didn’t have any breakthroughs, but at least he was talking about it. He threw himself back into rodeoing and helping out the family. They carried a load of stock for a rodeo in Great Falls, Montana, and Tuf, Beau and Colt entered to ride. Tuf and Beau wanted to maintain their ranking. After unloading and checking in, Tuf walked around talking to some of the cowboys he’d met on the circuit.
A lot of vendors were setting up near the entrance. His eyes zeroed in on red hair. Cheyenne. He should walk away, but he couldn’t move. His eyes were glued to her face. She looked tired, worried. He’d done that to her.
Angie had a booth next to her. Luke helped his mom put out her horse cookies, and the girls chatted to Cheyenne as she arranged her jewelry and a large mirror. Buddy stood some distance away talking to someone, but he glanced at Tuf. As much as Tuf knew he should leave, he couldn’t make himself do that. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from her face and the sadness he saw there.
At that moment Sadie noticed him. “Tuf!”
Cheyenne’s head jerked up, and all her hurt was leveled at him. The bottom of his stomach gave way and he felt sick. Sick with himself. Sick at the pain he’d caused her. And sick at life’s cruel blows.
He squatted to catch the girls and held them tight as they showered him with kisses.
“Mommy’s here.” Sammie pointed. “She’s selling jewelry and we gonna watch the rodeo.” He walked them back to Cheyenne.
Angie saw them coming. “Luke, take the girls to Buddy so y’all can find a seat before the rodeo starts.”
“Okay, Mom.” Luke took their hands and led them toward Buddy.
Angie busied herself talking to a lady who had questions about her horse cookies. They left him and Cheyenne staring at each other with a gulf as wide as Montana between them.
She wore a short-sleeved blue blouse, and he noticed a dark bruise at the hem of a sleeve—where he’d hit her. Tugging the sleeve lower, she tried to cover it. But it didn’t work. How many times had she tried to cover bruises when she was married to Ryan? Nausea roiled in his stomach.
She didn’t answer. Her hand shook slightly as she rearranged her jewelry.
“I’m sor…”
“Don’t say you’re sorry.” Her green eyes flared. “That doesn’t even begin to solve anything. You want to know how I feel? I’ll tell you. I feel betrayed by a man I love more than life itself. You didn’t trust me enough to handle the situation. You gave up on us.”
“I didn’t give up on us. I will never do that. But you have to understand that the dreams will probably get worse and I could really hurt you. I couldn’t live with that. I refuse to live with that. I have to get my head straight before I have a future to offer you. I’m not doing this intentionally. It’s hurting me just as much as it’s hurting you.” He turned and strolled toward the chutes, feeling about as low as any man could get.
Colt met him. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing.”
His brother fell in step beside him. “You hit her. It was an accident. You got to stop fighting that war in your head and let Cheyenne help you.”
He stopped and faced Colt. “If I hurt her more than I already have, it would kill me. Don’t you understand that?”
Colt sighed. “Aren’t you already dead inside without her?”
Tuf stormed off to the chutes, but his brother was right. There was no life without Cheyenne.
* * *
CHEYENNE SHOOK SO BADLY she had to sit down.
Angie was immediately at her side. “Are you okay?”
“No,” she replied. “He’s hurting and I can’t help him. That hurts even more.”
“I’m sorry.” Angie handed her a bottle of cold water.
She gulped a swallow and held on to the bottle as if it could save her. From what? She wasn’t sure. Maybe from the pain.
After the encounter, Cheyenne tried to see Tuf’s point of view. But all she could see was that he didn’t love her enough to trust her. Luckily, she was busy and didn’t have time to dwell on her shattered heart. The nights were bad. All she could think about was him.
August was big with rodeos in Montana, and she and Angie tried to make every one. She would now have two kids in school, and she would need every penny. Sometimes she would see Tuf at the rodeos, but they made no move to talk to each other. There was nothing left to say.
Tomas: Cowboy Homecoming Page 15