Despite everything that had happened, I wanted Jordan to be free, I missed him and hated sleeping without him. After JJ was clean, I let him play in the tub for a little while as I watched him. Eventually, I decided to join him in the tub, so that I could bathe as well. JJ liked playing in the tub and kept trying to float on his back. When he got a little older and I got a little more money, I would enroll him in swimming lessons. I strongly believed in the importance of knowing how to swim, especially as children. I figured that it would be best to start him young so that he could begin having a strong bond with water at an early age. When JJ kept standing up in the tub, I decided that it was time for us to get out. I gathered him into my arms, stood up, and wrapped a towel around us before heading out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.
With the towel, I dried us both off. Once we were dry, I moisturized our skin with coconut oil. Before bed, I liked to read to JJ so we snuggled up with a book while he breastfed. Soon, he was fast asleep in my arms. I lay him down and turned off the light. Now, I could relax and read a book by myself. I opened up an e-book on my tablet that I had started reading the day before and tried to read it to get my mind off of Jordan, but that was harder than I thought. Despite all that had transpired in the last few days, I wanted him home. Silent tears that I didn’t even know I had been holding on to, began spilling out of the corners of my eyes and onto the pillow. I missed Jordan and began reminiscing about how he would bake me cookies and how we would cuddle. I wanted my man home!
Just then, his friend, Amy, text me. I had told her that he needed a co-signer and she was just texting me back. She said that she didn’t know he had needed more than one, and that she would co-sign for him. I replied that I was afraid it might be too late. They were raising his bail on the upcoming Monday. She assured me that since he had already posted bail, they couldn’t raise it. My heart lifted and I felt myself smiling as hope returned. I whispered a thousand thank yous and felt bad for ever giving up hope. I would never give up hope again, hope was all we had. I rolled over and kissed JJ on the cheek, excited at the thought of Jordan coming home. Even though JJ’s warm tan complexion was closer to my reddish brown one, he looked just like his father. He had his father’s cool gray eyes, blonde hair and freckles.
Amy was such a good friend to Jordan. We had never been so close and at some points I did not trust her and hated for Jordan to be around her. She was always there for Jordan, even when I wasn’t and I couldn’t help but respect that. She was fiercely loyal and had Jordan’s back. When he got locked up, we had come together, calling the bail bondsman and getting all of the money together. I would have to remember this later when I felt like hating her. After all that Jordan and I had been through, I was slow to trust the other women in Jordan’s life, but Amy had proved to be trustworthy and I found myself actually starting to like her. His sister, Sasha, had also helped with Jordan’s bail money, his father had also. I just hoped that when Jordan got through this, he realized how much we all really did care about him. I hoped that he would care about himself more and not put himself in situations that could potentially jeopardize is future. There were a lot of people who believed in him and wanted to see him succeed. But we couldn’t want it more than he wanted it for himself.
I felt myself getting sleepy and set an alarm before turning off my tablet. I was determined to start my day early tomorrow. I snuggled up under the covers with my baby, wearing a smile. My mood had taken a turn for the better and with new found hope, I could finally go to sleep feeling and believing that everything was going to be alright.
*****
Sunday
Hope feels good to the soul. It gives existence, purpose and meaning. It gives the living, reason to live. I awoke the next day bright and early, with a heart full of hope. I woke up in the morning feeling thankful. Thankful to be alive and thankful for all of my many blessings. Those feelings quickly dissipated as my mind turned to Amy. Although I had tried to convince myself that she was just a really good friend to Jordan, something just didn’t sit right about their relationship. I tried to do yoga, I tried to read, but I couldn’t concentrate. Something was up and I knew it, I just didn’t know how to go about finding out. Something told me to text her, but I didn’t know what to say. JJ was still asleep and I couldn’t go back to sleep until I got to the bottom of these feelings
I started thinking about all that Jordan and I had been through and Amy’s role throughout it all. If I kicked him out, he would go to her for a place to stay. She bought him stuff, fed him. They shared clothes. And now this. She had put money on his bail and was even willing to co-sign. She was going above and beyond for my man. Whenever I brought it up, Jordan quickly dismissed it, claiming that they were old friends that Amy was like a sister to him, his family. I wanted so badly to believe him, but something in my gut said otherwise, and I trusted my gut. I had been through too much with Jordan to be in some fucked up love triangle. If he needed Amy so fucking much then he should be with her! And that’s exactly what I told her. I pulled out my phone and texted Amy the exact words.
Me: I believe that you and Jordan belong together.
Amy texted back. Why would you say that?
My first thought was that, she didn’t deny it, so I kept pushing. I texted her back.
Me: I have my reasons. I feel like I’m just in the way and I’d rather just remove myself from the equation than to continue to stand in the way of the inevitable.
Amy replied. Don’t think that you’re in the way. Jordan loves you. I do care about him, but he belongs with his family.
Me: Do you love Jordan?
Me: And please, do not spare my feelings. You should know by now that all I ever want is the truth.
Me: Under different circumstances, would you be with Jordan?
She took some time texting back and I began to feel cold and nauseous.
Amy: I know you want the truth. I just feel uneasy about it because I don’t want to put myself in the middle of anything.
Me: Just be honest with me Amy. I’ll still co-sign for him. At the end of the day, he’s still my son’s father, but I just need to know where everybody stands so that we can all move on and be happy.
Me: To be honest, you haven’t denied anything yet so that already tells me all that I need to know. At this point, I’m just looking for clarity.
Amy: Yea, I do love Jordan, but I don’t want my feelings for him to be the reason you two break up. I probably would try to be with him if circumstances were different, but I’m not going to try to take him from his family. He wants to be with you and your son. That is where his heart is.
Me: Does he know how you feel about him? How do you know that his heart is with me? Every time he’s in trouble, he runs to you and when he wants to turn up, it’s with you.
Amy: I think that he has a feeling that I do, but I don’t express my feelings very well, so he might not know. I know that he loves you because you’re probably his longest relationship. He would have gave up by now if he didn’t love you.
Me: Have you guys been together physically? I know that you probably really don’t want to answer that but that is probably the most important question because if the answer is yes, then he cannot continue to have sex with both of us.
I held my breath as I waited for her to respond.
Amy: No we haven’t. That wouldn’t be right.
Relief flooded over my body. Although, finding out that Amy did, in fact, have feelings for Jordan tore me up inside. I was happy to know that he had not physically cheated on me. I did feel betrayed though, but also, I was proud of myself for how well I had handled everything, and for trusting my gut. My gut was correct. I just wished that it wasn’t. Amy assured me that she would still be co-signing for Jordan, and I put my phone down.
I was a cocktail of emotions. I still felt cheated and most of all, deceived by Jordan. I didn’t think for a minute that he didn’t know that Amy had feelings for him. What hurt the most was that whenever I brough
t up how uncomfortable I was with his relationship with Amy, he had made me feel like I was overreacting and being insecure. I told myself that I was done crying, but that was the saddest lie. The whole situation literally made me sick to my stomach. I was done. At this point, I couldn’t care less if Jordan got out, or not. Let Amy help him get out and if he didn’t, let Amy hold his ass down. Maybe this was the universe trying to send me a message. Maybe me and Jordan weren’t meant to be together. Maybe he should be with Amy. If that was the case, then I didn’t need his ass anyway and I was done with this whole situation entirely. Jordan and Amy could go straight to hell for all I cared.
It was like all of the hope I had felt before had been drained from my body. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. He was lucky that the bail bondsman was closed on Sundays, because I was thinking about going up there and getting my money back TODAY. I was also thinking about cursing Amy out and beating her the fuck up. The rage was short lived and soon dissolved into depression. I was hurt and humiliated. I couldn’t believe that he had made a fool out of me again. After a caramel frappe from McDonalds, the strength returned. For one, I was leaving that deadbeat in jail. Let Amy figure out how to get him out. I felt like a hero. I was cleaning up the streets. Jordan was right where he belonged, in a cage with the other animals. Good riddance. I was in pain now, but I would move on and with Jordan safely locked away, the healing process would go much smoother. I started thinking about all that he had put me through and felt this was exactly what he deserved. At least in jail, he would know that he had a place to sleep and something to eat because he was never living with me again.
*****
Monday
I woke up feeling uneasy. A part of me wanted to go down to the bail bonds office and get a refund, but the idea of doing that made my stomach hurt terribly so I knew that was not the solution. I decided I would not sabotage Jordan, but I also wanted this nightmare to be over. I took out my phone and texted Amy.
Me” I’m not going to drive you. I’m done with this whole situation.
After I sent the text, I put my phone away and proceeded to get my bed sheets and blankets ready to be washed. I was going to do laundry. I desperately needed to cleanse my space. Right when I was about to leave my apartment to go to the laundry room down the hall, Amy text me back.
Amy: What happened? I’m so confused. What’s going on?
I smirked. I don’t negotiate with side pieces, is what I thought, but didn’t say.
Instead, I ignored the message, and took my son and my basket of dirty linen and headed to the laundry room. While I was loading the clothes in the machines, I realized that I only had enough money on my laundry card to wash and dry my sheets and blankets. I would need to load more money onto the card, to do more laundry and I definitely needed to wash me and the baby’s clothes. Unfortunately, the reload machine only took money in variations of fives. On the bright side, I needed to leave to pick up diapers for the baby anyway, so I would make change while I was out getting diapers. I felt tense and very much unlike myself. I didn’t want to feel this way. I waited until the load was done washing and transferred it into the dryer, then headed to the store. Before I drove off, I texted Amy back.
Me: Never mind. What time do you want me to you up to the bail bondsman?
Parked beside me was Jordan’s motorcycle. I briefly considered running it over, but thought better of it. If Jordan didn’t get out, I would most definitely be selling his motorcycle.
I turned the car on and pulled out of the parking lot, heading to the closest Walgreens. While I was in there, I picked up a box of diapers and got some five dollar bills. As I was coming out of the store, I ran into Jordan’s friend Lucky. Lucky had been with Jordan the day he got locked up. I put the baby in his car seat and put the box of diapers in the seat beside him, before closing the car door.
“What’s up Lucky,” I greeted him.
“What’s up Nia? How you been?” he asked me.
“Not good. You wanna get in?” I asked him. Lucky nodded and got into the passenger seat while I sat in the driver’s seat.
“So, what happened?” I asked him. After all of this time, I still did not know what went down. Lucky had been the only one there when it happened and this was my first time speaking with him since.
“Jordan was drunk and robbed this little bodega. I was arguing with Lovely when it happened and all I seen is Jordan sprinting past me. I’m like, ‘what’s going on?’ and he just told me to run, but I couldn’t because I was with my baby momma. Next thing I know, they’re arresting him.” Lucky told me as he shook his head. Lucky was friends with both Jordan and Amy so before I could stop myself, I broke down and told him everything that Amy had told me. To my surprise, Lucky had no prior knowledge of Amy having feelings for Jordan.
“If you want him out, she still needs to co-sign for him. He’ll be able to get out today, but he will still have to go to trial. I don’t think that you should drive her though,” Lucky said Even though I was hurting, in my heart I knew that I didn’t want Jordan in jail and the way that this was looking, he would be serving some serious time.
I really hated that we needed Amy at all. I felt that my feelings about the situation were still very raw and volatile, and that it would be in everyone’s best interest if Amy stay far away from me. I dropped Lucky off and returned to my apartment to finish doing laundry. I loaded the machines and when I checked my phone to see what time the clothes would be ready to go into the dryer, I had a text from Amy.
Amy: I feel like I just started a problem that wasn’t intended to happen.
Me: The truth needed to come out. Whatever happens from here was meant to happen.
Amy: I guess you did deserve to know, but you shouldn’t be mad at Jordan for it. It’s my fault. He’s probably going to hate me now, but don’t let this affect you and him.
Me: Oh, I’m mad at him. Don’t think for one moment that he doesn’t know that you have feelings for him.
Who the hell did Amy think that she was, telling me who I should and shouldn’t be mad at, taking up for Jordan like he was innocent. I wasn’t even trying to hear all that, so I just changed the conversation back to Jordan’s bail.
Me: Did you go see the bail bondsman?
Amy: No, I’m waiting to go with Jordan’s grandmother tomorrow. I told the bail bondsman about it earlier.
This completely threw me off. This bitch knew his grandmother too? Now I was completely convinced that she wanted my man, and this meant war. I could not let her save my man. I was going to save him my damn self! This meant war and I was willing to protect my king at all costs. Amy was trying to take my man and I wasn’t going down without a fight. I had an idea!
*****
Tuesday
I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of this sooner. I mean, I had thought about it, momentarily in anger, and had finally put things into perspective. I sold Jordan’s motorcycle. He would be heartbroken, but I’m sure he’d rather be free than own a motorcycle that he couldn’t even ride! The idea had come to me Monday night. Nothing could steal my hope and excitement. The only thing that worried me was fear that I would be too late. Monday night, I found myself missing Jordan terribly and was afraid of the idea of never getting to see him again. I tried to focus on the positives because I knew that all of the what if’s would depress me. The following morning, I woke up early. JJ and I got dressed and left the apartment in a rush to sell the motorcycle and free Jordan. For one, the motorcycle had to be towed. Luckily, I had just enough money to pay a tow company to bring it to the buyer. I made more than enough money to pay the bail bondsman. After selling his motorcycle, I had enough money to post his entire bail if I chose to! I didn’t. I paid the bail bondsman enough so that we wouldn’t need Amy’s hoe ass to co-sign. Within 45 minutes, I got a call that Jordan was being released and I could pick him up. I was ecstatic. As soon as I hung up the phone, I started dancing, jumping up and down and shaking my butt. JJ laughed
and started dancing too. I picked up my son and did a spin. Daddy was coming home!
With JJ in his car seat and love in my heart, I made my way to the correctional facility. Jordan was standing outside waiting for me when I got there. I was so happy that I started crying. Jordan was crying too. Jordan embraced us, and JJ reached out his arms for his daddy to hold him.
“I’m so glad to be out. I was afraid you guys were going to leave me in there and I’d never get out,” Jordan told me, as tears streamed down his face.
“I thought we were too, especially after Amy confessed her love for you to me, and how if I were out of the picture, she’d try to be with you,” I said. Jordan’s face dropped. “After that, I knew it was war and I had to fight for what was mine. No one saves my man, but me!” I exclaimed, and smiled at him. Jordan forced a smile, but I could tell I had caught him off guard. “I’ll tell you all about it in the car.” I turned to walk toward the car, but Jordan grabbed my hand, stopping me.
“Wait,” he said. I turned around to face him, confusion on my face.
“Nia, I know I have put you through hell, but you truly are the love of my life and you should be my wife,” he told me. I smiled as Jordan dropped down onto one knee while still holding my hand with one hand and JJ in the other arm. “Nia, will you marry me?” he asked me right there on the sidewalk, outside of the correctional facility. I giggled at the beauty of it all. “Of course I will,” I told him.
“Let’s go to the courthouse right now. I don’t want to wait another minute,” he told me, as he looked deeply into my eyes. His gray eyes looked like liquid silver in the sun and I was drowning in them.
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