It’s Mom. Dang. I was so close.
“Your friends need to go home, Kelvin. Your father and I are leaving soon, and you know you can’t have anyone over when we’re not here.”
“Oh… um… right. Sorry. I guess I lost track of the time. They’ll be gone in five minutes, okay, Mom?”
“That’s fine. And I’m sorry I jumped on you like that.” Mom looks disappointed in herself. “I should know you wouldn’t intentionally do something you’re not supposed to.”
Ugh. Moms really know how to hit you where it hurts. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I really need to impress these guys somehow, and this is my chance. It’s not like my Mighty Mega Supergeniusness has been knocking anybody out up to this point. I return to my room with the key card in hand. Spotch and Rand-El don’t look too enthused.
“Did you find anything made of plastic?”
“Well… kind of.”
“Wait, is that your…”
“Retainer. Yeah. It’s the only thing we could find. We’re not even sure if it’s plastic. Maybe if we looked around a little more…”
“There’s no time. You have to leave in a couple minutes. Sorry, but if we want to get into that lab tonight, this will have to do.”
I hold the key card in front of Lightyear, and Rand-El gives him the retainer. I can’t watch. Even Bula never put anything this disgusting in her mouth.
“This better work,” Rand-El says. “I don’t want crooked teeth for nothing.”
“We’ll find out soon enough,” I say. “You guys get ahold of the others and tell them to meet us at the elevator in thirty minutes.”
Chapter 29
Well, Mrs. Fuzzface, I see you managed to remove that teacup from the top of your head. Goody for you. And Miss Hairzybearzy’s hind section is back below the table where it belongs. I suppose congratulations are in order.
Now leave me alone. I require total silence as I concentrate on devising a plan to get myself into that blasted robot.
I SAID SILENCE! Wait. That must be Klosmo in the Vacuu-Suk 3000, getting himself ready for that awful art fair I overheard him yakking about. Ah… if only it would just suck him right out into space. Now that would be a glorious-ZARFLOOTS! THAT’S IT!
My diabolical brain just came up with a positively perfect plan, and I wasn’t even trying very hard yet. And I need only wait until the Klosmos leave for that feeble fair to put it into action!
30 minutes later…
At last. They’re finally gone. Well, except for the boy. He’s been holed up in his room for the past hour, though, so he shouldn’t pose a problem. I just need to move quietly, which isn’t particularly difficult when your feet are made of cotton.
Perfect! I can crawl through the air ducts to Klosmo’s lab! You see, THIS is why I, Erik Failenheimer, will make such an excellent evil universe ruler. My plan is utterly brilliant-nothing can possibly go wrong. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Okay, I guess something could go wrong.
Actually, this will make the trip to the lab much quicker. My brain must have known this and pushed the button on purpose. Without me even realizing it, my brilliant mind thinks of everything.
Okay, almost everything.
Chapter 30
All right—time to go. Everything’s lining up perfectly so far. The rest of the family should be gone for at least an hour and a half at Bula’s preschool “art” fair. And I use the word “art” only because that’s what the school is calling it. Here is Bula’s entry:
The kids had to name their creation something fancy, just like in a real art show. Bula named hers Pony in a Sunny Meadow, which is odd, since I don’t see a pony in there anywhere. Or a meadow. Or the sun. Chimp Scribbles would have been a better title, if you ask me. Not sure a chimp would agree, though. I’m just glad I could use tons of homework as an excuse not to go.
I have the retainer key card in my pocket, all dried off and ready. The rest of the gang should already be waiting at the elevator. This just better go smoothly. If we get caught sneaking around that lab, I’ll be grounded for sure.
What the…? That sounds like the Vacuu-Suk 3000. But I’m positive everybody left already. Maybe it’s broken or something. I better check it out before I go.
I knock on the bathroom door, you know, just in case. No answer. “Mom?” I shout. “Is that you? Dad? Bula?” Still nothing. I crack open the door and peek inside. It’s the Vacuu-Suk, all right, sucking away with no one inside. And one of the duct grates fell off and is lying on the floor. That’s not good. Something could get sucked in there and clog everything up.
Maybe Lightyear got in here and accidentally turned it on. Whatever. I replace the grate and head for the front door.
Chapter 31
Argh! I must have turned on the suction by mistake! How could I have been so stupid? It appears I’m really NOT as smart as the Klosmos. It appears all those years of second-place finishes were well deserved. It appears my position as janitor was completely appropriate after all. Egad-I can’t bear to look!
And it appears I was wrong!
My brain must have sent out superintellect rays that shut the Vacuu-Suk 3000 fan down just as I was about to be sliced to bits! It’s the only explanation! Zarfloots! If I’m this brilliant when I’m not even paying attention, what chance will the universe have against an Erik Failenheimer who is actually focused and trying his best?
Off to the laboratory!
Chapter 32
Sorry, boy, but this is strictly a nondog event. You’ll just have to keep yourself busy for a couple hours. We’ll play ball when I get back, though. I promise.”
Wow, that’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen—if you don’t count Bula’s entry into the art fair. “Okay, Lightyear, you can come along,” I tell him, against my better judgment. “But you better not eat anything.”
I grab hold of Lightyear’s leash and we head out the door. The hallway is empty. Good. If anybody does see me, I just need to play it cool, like everything is perfectly normal.
We’re halfway to the end of the hallway when one of the other LIV-space doors opens. It’s Mrs. Forzork, one of the cafeteria lunch ladies.
“Oh, hello, Kelvin. I thought I heard someone out here.”
“Hi, Mrs. F. I… uh… I was just taking my new dog for a walk. A perfectly normal walk. Down this perfectly normal hallway. In a perfectly normal way. Nothing odd going on here at all. No sirree. And when I’m done, I’m heading straight back to my LIV space, without sneaking around or anything.”
Nailed it!
“I see. Well, enjoy your perfectly normal walk, then. Oh, and make sure you get to the cafeteria early tomorrow—I’m whipping up a batch of my famous creamed blarf tongue, and it’s sure to go fast.”
“Will do, Mrs. F. And thanks for the heads-up!”
Yikes, that was a close one. This whole idea is getting worse by the minute. Well, at least I proved I can react well under pressure. Plus, I picked up a sweet tip on the blarf tongue. I’ll make sure to pack my own lunch tomorrow.
Lightyear and I make our way around a few more turns, down a few more hallways, and finally reach the elevator.
“About time, Kelvin. What took you so long?”
“I ran into a little problem on the way here. Nothing I couldn’t handle, though. It’s really just a matter of staying cool, calm, and collected in the face of danger. I guess I just have a knack for it.”
Oops. That won’t go over well. Looks like it’s time for some damage control.
“And that is an example of how not to stay cool, calm, and collected. I just wanted to demonstrate how not to react in case we run into any trouble on the way to the lab.”
Hey! I think they’re buying it!
“Thanks, Kelv. Man, it’s awesome having a genius in our group!”
“What about Brian?”
“Oh—sorry, Brian. I meant someone who’s always a genius.”
Looks like I’m not the only one who’s stressed out about t
his. Everybody’s here, so we take the elevator down to the laboratory level. Fortunately, no one is working late and the hallways are empty. As we make our way toward my parents’ lab, we pass the room that I remember seeing Lightyear in during our field trip visit. Looks like he remembers it, too.
So that’s what he was licking up. I guess it all makes sense now. Well, at least as much sense as a space dog with a matter-duplicating stomach can make. We continue on to the large door at the end of the corridor… and the moment of truth.
It worked!
Chapter 33
There it is, directly beneath me. Excellent! All I need to do is carefully loosen this grate and-
What in the name of peach cobbler is going on here? The levers are pointing the wrong way! The foot pedals are above my head! The gauges and control panels are upside down! Zarfloots!
Someone must have uncovered my diabolical plot to rule the universe. And that same someone must have altered the robot so I can’t control it properly, in order to foil my plans. It’s the only explanation!
Well, that’s a relief. I would hate to think I did all this nefarious evil planning for nothing.
And now for the truly brilliant part of my plan. The simpletons on this sorry excuse for a space station are simply going to open the door and let me walk out into space with the robot. But first things first.
And now the time has come to meet my destiny. Farewell for now to all those who failed to give me my due, who mocked me, who celebrated my failures. The next time you gaze upon Erik Failenheimer, it will be from your knees as you beg for mercy! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Chapter 34
Whoa! I guess I didn’t realize how humongous this lab really is when we were here earlier for the field trip. But now, with no one here working, it seems mighty mega super humongous. And quiet. Too quiet. It’s really pretty darn creepy in here.
“Hey, guys,” I say, “let’s hurry up and do this. I need to be home before my parents get back from the art fair.”
“Sure thing,” says Rand-El. “This place is even more awesome than I remember. Your parents must be pretty awesome themselves to be in charge of all this.”
Yeah, they must. My mom I guess I can understand, but who would have thought that my goofball of a dad was this important?
As we make our way over to the robot, we pass huge stacks of metal sheeting and Plexiglas. We pass bins filled with electronic parts and wiring, and shelves stacked with tools and hardware and space helmets of all shapes and sizes. There are also machines, big and small, to cut, bend, and shape the metal. You could build a battleship in here. Or a giant robot whose propulsion system we need to do a report on.
“Okay, I’m pretty sure the propulsion system is in the feet, so let’s start there.”
“Just be careful. And don’t touch anything.”
“Sure. And then we can write a report based on staring at a giant metal foot. That should land us a pretty sweet grade.”
“Hey! There’s some kind of access panel on the back of the foot. Let’s take a look inside.”
“Uh… I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“C’mon, Kelv. It’s a great idea. What’s the problem? If we aren’t even going to check this thing out, what was the point of sneaking in here in the first place?”
My thoughts exactly. My only goal now is getting back to the LIV space without getting caught, which seems less likely by the minute.
“What’s that? Who touched something they weren’t supposed to?”
“No, that’s not it. Look! It’s the robot’s dome! It’s starting to close!”
“What the heck is going on?”
“The station is going through the fire drill protocol.”
“But doesn’t that mean—”
“Yup. The inner doors are sealed and we’re stuck in here.”
“But doesn’t that also mean—”
“Yup. The outer air lock doors are going to open up and suck all the oxygen out of the lab.”
“But that means—”
“Yup. We’ll be sucked out into space right along with the oxygen.”
Suddenly I’m not so worried about being grounded anymore. I glance around the lab in a panic and notice Mippitt at one of the storage shelves. He’s holding a helmet in each hand.
“Quick, everybody—take a helmet! And grab on to something heavy so we don’t get sucked out the air lock when it opens!”
I look around frantically for something to grab hold of. Mippitt is waving us over to the giant robot, where he has his arm locked around the access door handle on the back of the foot. Yes!
“Head for the robot! There’s no way that gigantic hunk of metal is being sucked out the air lock.”
The rest of us hurry over to Mippitt just as the enormous air lock doors begin to open. The problem, besides the fact that we’re seconds from being sucked out into the vast darkness of space, is that there’s only one handle.
Hey! This just might work, as long as the air lock doesn’t stay open too long! The pull toward the open doors is getting stronger, but everyone seems to be holding on okay. And the robot hasn’t budged! The only way this massive piece of metal is going out those doors is if it decides to walk over there itself!
Chapter 35
This is NOT good. I don’t get it—the robot just up and walked off the space station! Like… on purpose! At least Mippitt showed us where to press on our belts in order to pressurize our uniforms. They’re made of a special thermal material, too, but they won’t keep us warm out here for long. We have to do something fast before we turn into spacesicles! Although that would keep us from suffocating, since our helmets produce only about four hours of oxygen.
Uh-oh. Mippitt is having trouble with that handle. It looks like he’s losing his grip! If he goes, we all go! No—wait! The access door! With my brain being distracted by thoughts of drifting aimlessly in space for the rest of my life, I completely forgot about it! He’s trying to get it open!
I pull myself forward next to Mippitt and grab hold of the handle. We pull with everything we’ve got, but the door won’t budge. I signal for Grimnee to join us up front and tell her what we’re trying to do. If she can’t pry that thing open, nobody can. She yanks on the door with everything she’s got.
Nothing.
This is bad.
I can feel the cold beginning to make its way through my suit. Lightyear must really be feeling it. He doesn’t even have a suit. His fur must be a pretty good insulator, though, because he’s hanging in there. And what’s really weird—he doesn’t even seem to need oxygen, which is good, seeing as we forgot to get him a helmet. None of this matters, though, if we can’t get inside that robot. The way I see it, we have one more shot.
“Hey, Grimnee,” I say through the intercom in our helmets. “That access door is being a bit of a bully, don’t you think? Making us stay out here in the cold and all?”
Problem solved. We pull ourselves into the robot’s boot and shut the door that Grimnee tore open behind us. There’s a lot of room, but we stick close together. Everybody is pretty shaken up. Gil’s water globe is frozen solid, so we roll him over to a pipe that’s giving off a lot of heat so he can thaw out.
It’s loud in here, since the propulsion system runs through the boot. It’s also warm, though, so nobody is complaining. I lift my head and can see right up the inside of the robot’s leg. There are pipes and ducts and electronic panels and ladders and catwalks all over the place. I still can’t believe my dad designed this thing.
“I thought you said this robot was too heavy to be sucked out the air lock. Now what are we supposed to do?”
“C’mon, Rand-El. It didn’t get sucked out. It walked out. You saw it. We all did.”
“Yeah, well, that doesn’t make any sense.”
“Maybe your mom and dad did that thing. You know, where they put someone’s mind into the robot?”
Sci-Fi Junior High Page 6