Having failed to complete the task assigned to me by Dashaanan, I feared it would upset him once he found out that Gritsamada was still lodged at the palace. After sunset, when Dashaanan was back from court, I met him privately. I wanted him to allow Gritsamada to stay with us for a few more weeks. Holding a wine goblet in his hand, Dashaanan was deeply preoccupied with his own thoughts.
‘My lord, I don’t intend to disturb you but may I take a moment to talk to you regarding some matter?’ I asked, interrupting his thoughts.
‘You are not disturbing me. Tell me what is the matter?’
‘Upon your command, I asked rishi Gritsamada to evacuate the palace premises and leave for his next destination. But . . .’
‘But what? Has he left or not?’
‘No, my lord. He is requesting an extension for a few more weeks. He says he has still not achieved siddhi and he refuses to leave Lanka before he does.’
‘He dared to refuse my command!’ Dashaanan was furious.
‘He didn’t refuse—he is only requesting for an extension for a couple more days.’
Dashaanan was screaming now: ‘If the sage wanted an extension, he should have been here to request me in person! But I know he will not ask me because he is full of ego and arrogance.’
‘My lord, he is a tapasvi. There is no harm in allowing him a few weeks of extension.’
‘A few weeks? I cannot tolerate that sage on my land for another day. Send him back. Send him back, Mandodari, before I kill him for refusing my orders.’
‘Why do you speak about killing him? He has merely requested for an extension.’
‘Are you afraid of asking him to go? Why do you favour his stay so much?’ he asked, looking at me suspiciously. ‘Are you hiding something from me? Answer me . . . why are you trying to defend him?’
I was shocked at Dashaanan’s accusation. I didn’t expect the conversation to turn against me.
Fearing for Gritsamada’s life, in the most subtle way I replied, ‘My lord, he is practising penance to have Goddess Lakshmi as his daughter. He is conducting an experiment to develop life in that palace by achieving siddhi and I feel that we should allow him to complete it before he leaves. He has preserved some contents in a large pot and says he doesn’t want to disturb it with movement or travel. I have no personal purpose, but I do request you to grant him an extension on humanitarian grounds.’
‘He is fooling us! There are no contents in any large pot. He is merely a spy who has come to inspect our power so he can provide our secrets to our enemies. And I will prove it to you. I will prove to you that there is no life or holy content in that bloody pot.’ He became enraged and started walking towards shanti bhavan.
I was scared that he might humiliate Gritsamada and end up taking a curse on himself. I ran after him, instructing the guards to quickly call for Vibhishana and Nanashri.
Dashaanan entered the room where Gritsamada was meditating. He pulled out his Chandrahas sword and aligned it on Gritsamada’s neckline.
‘How dare you disobey my orders? Don’t forget you stand on my land.’
The rishi did not bat an eyelid at the threat. ‘Your majesty, I am a sage who obeys only the supreme power and I am free to wander the earth as and how I please. As for the land I stand on, I requested your permission to extend my stay for a few more weeks.’
‘You are nothing but a selfish and arrogant specimen of the sect you belong to. I hate the blood that runs in your veins. I want you out of my land—you decide if you wish to leave this land dead or alive!’ There was blood in Dashaanan’s eyes. I saw him clenching his fists as if he had no control over his anger.
Gritsamada answered, ‘You call us arrogant? Don’t forget that the same blood runs in your veins since you’re a Brahmin as well. And don’t forget that the sect you call selfish has taught you all that you have mastered today. We have given you all that you know and all that you’ve earned, even though most of what you have earned is not even rightfully yours!’
Dashaanan roared in anger and raised his sword. Without any hesitation, he cut off Gritsamada’s head from his shoulders! The body fell on the ground with blood splattering everywhere—on the pot that was part of Gritsamada’s penance, on my clothes, on the walls. Before I could make sense of what I had just witnessed, Nanashri and Vibhishana entered the room. It was horrifying; they were shocked at what they saw.
Dashaanan tried to leave; I stopped him.
‘Why, my lord? You promised me. You promised me, and yet you have taken another innocent life.’
‘He was not innocent. He disobeyed me and accused me! And why are you so hurt? Were you fond of him?’
‘Enough, my lord. You have taken a Brahmin’s life and now you question my virtue!’
‘You should be thankful that I spared your life!’
‘Really, my lord? Is this what I mean to you? In that case, I spare you from taking my life. I will end this life on my own!’
I reached for the contents of the pot, scooping out the greenish potion and drank it. Dashaanan rushed towards me, but by then my vision was blurring and I collapsed on the ground soon after.
NINE
I felt no pain but peace. I saw myself walking on grass. There were green, crop-yielding fields around me. Then I heard someone giggle. I turned around to see who it was and saw a young girl running towards me. She was beautiful. For a moment I thought it was me at a younger age. She was smiling and playing. I wanted to ask her who she was. I stretched my hand to hold her but she ran away.
I got up with a sudden jolt. My head felt heavy and there was a weird pain around the nape of my neck. My dasis rushed to attend to me.
‘Your majesty, you should lie down—you still need to rest. Your majesty, I will call the physician now. Please lie down,’ said one dasi.
‘She is awake . . .’
‘The queen just opened her eyes, let’s inform Lankeshwar.’
‘She has a long life . . . The queen is awake.’
‘Call the physician . . . We should ask her to rest.’
A physician came in and while he examined my pulse, I learnt that I had been unconscious for the past two days from the effects of the poisonous potion I had consumed. The potion lying in that pot at shanti bhavan was contaminated and became highly poisonous when the ingredients reacted with Gritsamada’s blood. I fell sick again on remembering that scene as if I could still taste blood in my mouth. I was nauseated, and the physician advised that it could be because of the antidote given to me.
Dashaanan’s entrance was announced. I wasn’t ready to face him again. The physician explained the state of my health to him and took leave. I closed my eyes and remained still. I felt immense shame for my act of attempting suicide. I was a queen and I had let my subjects down. I had let my husband down. On the other hand, I felt miserable that I was alive. I was back to the same life where my husband would regret his actions for a few days and then go back to his old ways. I was a dejected wife, who had to unwillingly share her husband with other women; a struggling queen, who failed to match the king’s ambitions.
Dashaanan sat near my bed, taking my hand in his. ‘Mandodari, can you hear me, my love? Please open your eyes. I am deeply sorry for whatever happened. It is entirely my fault. Talk to me. Are you listening?’
I opened my eyes and looked at my concerned husband. ‘My lord, I regret what happened. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I can say to explain my actions.’
‘You don’t need to explain anything. It was my fault yet again. I provoked you to take such an action! I never imagined that my anger could take your life! I almost lost you!’
‘Both of us are guilty, my lord. You are guilty for your anger, your violence, whereas I am guilty for giving up my tolerance, my rationality. However, I didn’t expect to live, my lord. It would have been better if my soul . . . ’
‘Let us forget about the entire incident! I have been assured by physicians that they will make you healthy in a month’s time. By then, I h
ope you forget the entire episode. And I hope you forgive me by then too.’
‘I will try, my lord. Even though my heart wishes for something else, I will still try.’
‘I will let you take some rest now. Nanashri and Mata Kaikesi will visit you later today. And I want to see you better next time.’ He kissed me and left.
I gained my health back gradually but my nausea couldn’t be cured completely. I felt my strength being taken away from me. I could barely walk; I felt like resting the entire day. I wasn’t sure if it were the medicines that were making me drowsy. I was regularly visited by members of the royal family. Dhanyamalini, Bajrajala and Sarama came twice a day to check on my progress. Nayanadini came too, but more as a formality and less out of concern. Trijata, who recently had a miscarriage, supervised all the services of my chambers sincerely. Dashaanan sent for my Mai at Mayarastra, hoping I would recover faster if someone from my maternal house was taking care of me.
After a month, Trijata called for a physician discreetly. She had noticed a change in my meal preferences. I preferred tangy curries and couldn’t even look at sweets. She had also noticed that my face looked pale and she suspected that there could be something about my condition that the physician was missing. Hence, without raising unwanted alarm, she arranged for my health examination.
A physician sat beside my bed and examined me, ‘Your majesty, are you taking your medicinal potions on time as prescribed?’
‘Yes, but the nausea doesn’t stop. And why do I feel so lethargic with these medicines?’ I enquired.
‘That’s surprising, your majesty, because the potions given to you will purely cleanse the remaining effects of the poison from your blood stream. There is no drug to make you feel lethargic or sleepy in your prescription.’
‘But she is sleepy most of the time,’ intervened Trijata.
‘In that case, I shall check the contents of the medicinal potions again. However, your majesty, I still wish to ask you if your monthly menstrual cycles are regular or did you happen to miss any . . . ’
‘Well, I kind of lost track of it after the incident,’ I answered.
‘It’s okay, your majesty. I shall come back later.’
‘But what do you think is causing the delay in her majesty’s recovery?’ intervened Trijata again.
‘On the contrary, her majesty seems to have recovered quite a lot. I have examined her pulse, pitta and vata. It seems like she is recovering faster than we realized. However, the kind of symptoms you highlight and on the basis of my basic examination, I can surmise one thing . . . ’
‘What is it? Tell me now . . . ’
‘Your majesty, I think you are with child!’
My heart started beating faster. I felt a sudden rush of emotions. I could feel tears of joy rolling down my face. Trijata looked even more excited than I. But the physician remained silent. Then I saw the look on his face and realized that his tone of delivering that news to me was not joyful. He sat still and lowered his eyes.
‘What is it? Is something wrong?’ I asked him.
‘Your majesty, I cannot confirm anything right now. I will need to perform a few more tests to confirm the pregnancy. Also, we are not sure of your menstrual cycle for this month.’
‘Well then, do it . . . do whatever you want but why do you still sound so doubtful?’
‘Forgive me, but even if I confirm this pregnancy, I would suggest you get yourself examined by a midwife first and then break the news to everyone.’
‘Why? It is such a blessing . . . such wonderful news . . .’ interrupted Trijata.
‘Your majesty, the effects of the poison and the medicines consumed so far must have impacted the development of the foetus. In such cases, forgive me, but we suggest timely termination of the pregnancy.’
‘That is impossible,’ I objected.
‘Forgive me, your majesty, but it is yet to be confirmed and this is quite an early stage for me to comment on further. I can also say that this may be a complicated stage of your recovery and the symptoms are a mere coincidence. I can confirm with a few tests, if you wish.’
‘No, there is no such need. And I command you to keep all this to yourself. If I need your services again, I shall send for you. But remember not to disclose our conversation to anyone outside this room.’
‘Certainly, your privacy will be maintained.’
I signaled Trijata to escort him outside. I remained in my bed, thinking about the life growing inside me and went to sleep.
The next morning, I woke up to a familiar voice. I opened my eyes and saw Mai sitting at my bedside. I embraced her at once and she sobbed with the happiness of meeting me again.
‘How are you, my princess? Oh, I have missed you so much. Ah, I am sorry! My little princess is a queen now. How wonderful is your palace! Ah, and the building, everything is really golden! The walls are plated with gold and the pillars are coated with liquid gold!
‘Mai, how is everyone back home? How is my mother? And Pitashri? How is Pitashri? I miss everyone . . . ’
‘We are very well, my princess. We were so worried about your health. Lankeshwar had sent a messenger informing us about your health and that you accidently consumed something! He said that you were recovering well but your parents were anxious about you. They might come visit you in a few days. However, Lankeshwar specially asked me to sail along with the messenger and I hurried with him to be with you. You look very pale, Mandodari. Is everything all right? Is Lankeshwar treating you well?’
‘I am treated well, Mai, don’t worry. However, I want to ask you something. I haven’t told anyone yet because I am waiting to confirm it myself first and you must make sure you don’t tell anyone either.’
‘What is it, my princess?’ asked Mai. I gestured to Trijata to dismiss the maids for privacy.
‘Mai, please make sure you don’t overreact. I am hoping that you can help me. One of our physicians told me that I could be pregnant, but he can’t say for sure without performing certain tests. But I know for certain that I am with child—I can feel it.’
As expected, Mai was overjoyed with the news. Her eyes immediately lit up. ‘That is wonderful news, princess!’
‘No, there is more. He has suggested that in case the pregnancy is confirmed, I should terminate it because the poison and medicines may have infected my foetus. As a result my child’s development can be impacted.’
‘And which poison are you referring to? Was it the poison you accidentally consumed?’ Mai looked worried. I couldn’t provide more explanation. Then, without expecting an answer she replied, ‘Yes, there is a possibility that the medicines may have caused some harm but we can still take precautions to protect the child.’
I was relieved on hearing that. And then I was clear about what to do next.
Trijata, who had been standing in a corner listening to our conversation, said: ‘So, your majesty, if you can keep the child, should we inform the king about your pregnancy?’
‘No, tell no one. I want you two to promise me that you will not disclose the news of my pregnancy to anyone.’
‘Why, Mandodari? What do you have in mind?’
‘My child is in danger. I am not feeling too well and if we tell everyone, then the physicians will warn Dashaanan about the effects of the poison on the child. They will ask me to abort it as I am sure that Dashaanan will never risk the birth of an unfit child. They will force me to terminate my pregnancy. I want to keep my child!’
‘But that is an ideal thing to do. If there is risk to the well-being of the child in your womb, then you should terminate it at this stage! Why do you want to go through the pain of bringing an unwell child into this world? Also, it is not just your pain . . . but your child will suffer throughout its life,’ Mai explained.
‘Mai, I want to wait and see how I feel about this child in my womb. But if we tell them now, they will not wait. If I sense any danger, I will take a decision. But for now, I want to wait and see how this child develops insi
de me. And now, you are here to help me.’
‘I am always there for you, my princess, but how will you hide your pregnancy? You will start to show in a few months and your health is closely reported by your physicians. It is impossible to hide this news.’
‘It is not. I will tell Dashaanan that I wish to see my parents. I will stay away from everyone for a few days. Let my baby grow stronger inside me. If everything seems normal, I will inform everyone.’
They were tense about my decision. However, I had decided what I had to do. I feared for my baby’s life. I also wasn’t sure if my pregnancy would shape up the way I was imagining. I closed my eyes and thought about Shiva. I asked him to bless my baby’s health and to provide me with strength.
In a few days’ time, my nausea subsided and I gained enough strength to walk around. Mai attended to me very well and I stopped taking any medication altogether. I got out of my room after a long time to meet the women of the family. Everybody wished me a warm welcome. I saw some women from the antapura too. I couldn’t recollect their names but they smiled at me concernedly. All our women servants and dasis were also present.
‘It is so good to see you here, Mandodari. I wish you good health and happiness,’ said Mata Kaikesi.
‘Thank you, Mata. It feels good to be back amongst everyone here. I was getting tired of being inside my chambers all day long. But I am better now.’
‘That’s good to hear. But I insist you still take proper rest. Dashaanan needs you, Mandodari. He needs your counsel. Try to spend some time at court too. Your people need to see you.’
‘I understand, Mata, I shall resume my duties from tomorrow.’
She leaned into whisper, ‘Dashaanan will be happy to see you. I wish you all the best and may god bless you with the fruits of motherhood soon.’
Had Mata Kaikesi got a hint of my pregnancy? I knew I was responsible for producing an heir but I was surprised by Mata Kaikesi’s sudden mention of it. I said nothing but simply smiled at her. All of us dined together that evening and I caught up on all that had been happening in my absence. I was back to my routine but I still had the major task of telling Dashaanan about my wish to go on a pilgrimage.
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