Breaking Masks

by Josh Aterovis

  I sighed in relief, and then looked at him with a squint. “Did you hit on Jake last night, when he was carrying me out the door?”

  “I flirted,” Nick admitted. “You can't blame me. He's cute and he seems to be a decent guy. Like I said, he wanted to make sure you were okay, and it didn't sound like you guys had known each other for too long. So, good looking and good people...what's wrong with flirting?” He smiled at me and I couldn't fault his logic. “It would be different if you were dating, then I wouldn't except in fun, you know? Is Jake your boy?”

  “Hold everything. Who said anything about me being gay?” I asked. Now let me be clear, I wasn't asked directly. He was assuming. I'm not ashamed of who I am. If people ask, I'll tell them, but if they assume? They better have some proof!

  “Well, I put two and two together. Like Jakie-poo, and the way you snuggled your head into his shoulder. Plus, when I flirted you bared your teeth at me.” Nick replied, ticking off the reasons on his fingers. Okay, so he had me. “So, is Jake your boy?”

  “I wish, but after last night….Wait a second, he's straight!” I exclaimed.

  “Oh no, friend of mine, he's bi at least. Can we go get coffee now?”

  “Yeah, sure,” I said as we exited his apartment. “But how can you be so sure?”

  “He was flirting back a little. He blushed when I flirted, so he knew the score there. You have to watch people, Kody.” He threw his arm around me and we walked down the stairs and over to The Morning Rush. Mike was working that Sunday and he was bored out of his skull.

  “Jesus, I'm glad to see someone!” he said. “This place is so fucking boring.” He poured the coffees and, since Nick was with me, they were on the house. We talked to Mike, who's an okay guy but nothing to write home about. I definitely didn't see the attraction Max had to him, except that he was uninterested in her. I think she was into the impossible relationships-then she couldn't get hurt.

  Was I into that, too? Picking a straight guy? Or, according to Nick, a bi guy. We sat at the table, lost in our own thoughts and just allowing the afternoon to pass by.

  “So what are you going to do?” Nick asked.

  “About Jake you mean?”

  “No, the crisis in the Middle East! Of course Jake!” He laughed at me.

  “I'd rather solve the crisis in the middle east, thanks.”

  He gave me an impatient look.

  “I don't know. I mean, let's assume that he is bi, at least. I don't even know if he likes me,” I replied.

  “Well, he must be able to tolerate you. He took you home, after all,” Nick reasoned.

  “That's another thing. I am so embarrassed about the way I acted last night. I don't fight! Look at me! Kindergartners see me and think, `Yeah I can take him'. On top of that...I am pretty sure I was a romantic drunk,” I sighed.

  “You made a pass at him?”

  “I don't remember. I'm pretty sure I said something silly. I know I was hanging off him like some love struck groupie and...I think I tried to kiss him.”

  “You tried to kiss him?” I nodded. “Well?”

  “Well what?”

  “Did you suck his tonsils out? What do you mean `what'?”

  “I…I don't know. I mean, I really would like to remember if I did….kiss him.”

  “You can't remember if you kissed a hot guy or not? That's it, Shirley Temples for you from now on!” Nick laughed at me and I flipped him the bird.

  “Okay, so let's say that he is interested. What then?” Nick seemed to enjoy playing devil's advocate.

  “That is so unlikely. Besides how am I supposed to look at him after acting like that? If he was interested before, now he'll run screaming from the freaky kid that drinks too much.” I sighed.

  “You don't know that, and I think it's safe to say from the looks he gave you that he might forgive you.”

  “I don't know.”

  We walked back towards our apartment in relative silence, mulling over the sordid events of last night. I still felt foolish. We stopped in the video store, which displayed a pride flag in the window. They had a section of gay-themed movies so I filled out the necessary forms for a card.

  Once we got home I went in and helped Nick get his apartment cleaned up before going home. I reached out to put the key in the lock when I saw a note tucked into the jamb of the door. I looked at it curiously, rent wasn't due and I couldn't think of a reason for there to be a note there. I opened it and scanned the hasty scrawls on the scrap of a receipt.

  Kody,

  I just stopped to see if you were okay, you were a little drunk last night.

  Jake

  A little drunk? Was he paying attention? He thought enough to stop and see if I was okay, though. Maybe he just wanted to be sure I hadn't choked on my own puke, maybe it would make him responsible somehow. I opened my door and pulled off my shirt, tossing it on the back of the couch. I sat on the couch looking at the note. He stopped to see if I was okay.

  Well maybe he wanted to check, just to cover his ass on liability. Let's be serious here, things never worked out for me, the one who always picked the guy that was taken or just wasn't interested. I stared at the note, the lines of the letters, and began to crumple it, only to stop and sigh in frustration. He cared enough to make sure I wasn't dead. I put the note in my pocket, not sure exactly why. Maybe as a solid reminder that there might be more to this than I thought.

  I stayed home and read for the evening, just sprawled in bed. Classes started the next day, so I went to sleep fairly early. Plus, I was tired from my antics the night before and my churning thoughts from the day. As crazy as it sounds, Nick had given me a little spark of hope, this stupid little flame that made me think of Jake far after the lights went out. I wondered if my daydreams could ever be a reality. Time will tell, as my father would say.

  Chapter 7

  Breaking Masks

  Josh Aterovis and Dave Dabeagle

  © 2004

  "Jake"

  I looked into Kody's gray eyes and fought for breath. My heart felt like it was trying to pound its way out of my chest. Had he just asked me to stay? At that moment, I wanted to do that more than anything. It felt so right just lying here in his arms, but I reminded myself that he was drunk. He didn't know what he was saying.

  I opened my mouth to tell him I couldn't stay, but he cut me off when he suddenly started to sing. “I have lost love. I have found love, in a world of broken dreams.” The words made my heart skip a beat. Did he know what he was saying? Before I could react, he leaned forward in a clumsy attempt to kiss me. For one brief second of pure, startled perfection, his lips brushed against mine, then he dropped back onto the bed. He was out cold.

  I just laid there next to him for a few minutes, watching him sleep. Any lingering doubts I'd had about his sexuality had been neatly cleared up with that kiss. I've learned from experience-I don't care how drunk you are-you don't kiss a guy unless you want to. I knew I should leave, but I just couldn't stop looking at him. He was so beautiful. I wanted to touch him so badly, just run my fingers across the soft skin of his cheek. I wanted to kiss his eminently kissable lips.

  I'm falling for him, I realized with a lurch. I jumped up from the bed. This couldn't be happening. I barely knew him. I couldn't be falling for him. I backed out of the bedroom, pulling the door closed quietly behind me. I leaned my forehead against the coolness of the painted wood. What am I doing? I can't fall for this kid. We're so different. He's so innocent and pure. And I'm...not.

  I turned around and looked around his apartment. It may have been laid out like Nick's, but the similarities ended there. Nick's apartment had been furnished with slick modern pieces that looked like they must have cost a fortune. It was attractive, but hadn't felt comfortable to me. In contrast, Kody's apartment was filled with obviously second-hand pieces, but it felt much more like a home. I noticed one odd note. For some reason I couldn't quite fathom, it seemed Kody kept his dirty clothes hamper next to the front door. A shi
rt hung half-out of it where'd he probably carelessly thrown it after coming in from work. The thought of him walking around without a shirt sent shivers down my spine and I decided it was definitely time to leave. I let myself out of his apartment and carefully locked his door before pulling it closed.

  I walked slowly back to my building, thinking about Kody and my feelings for him. It occurred to me that he'd been taking up an inordinate amount of my thoughts lately. What was I going to do? Was it worth the risk of rejection? I didn't know if I could stand to see Kody's face filled with disgust for me. Maybe it would just be easier to avoid him altogether. My thoughts careened wildly around and around my head, but I'd come to no conclusions by the time I reached my dorm.

  I could hear Foster as soon as I stepped off the elevator on my floor. I paused and listened outside the door. From the sound of things, he was still very unhappy. I took a deep breath and opened the door. Roy and Foster both turned to face me as I stepped in. Foster's posture was aggressive, but Roy didn't seem too intimidated. Then again, I guess when you're the size of a mountain not much threatens you.

  Foster immediately launched a verbal attack. “What the fuck were you doing?” he snarled at me. “I can't believe you two stuck up for that little fag.”

  I wasn't in the mood to put up with his mouth. “Oh give me a break, Foster,” I shot back. “You're twice his size.”

  “Hey, the fag started it! He jumped me.”

  “No, you started it when you opened your big mouth.”

  Roy was watching our exchange with an impassive expression, his big head swiveling back and forth as if he was watching a tennis game.

  “What are you trying to say?” Foster demanded.

  “I'm trying to say you acted like an ignorant bully.”

  “The fag deserved...”

  “Stop using that word.”

  “What word? Fag? Why? Are you some kind of fag lover?”

  “Shut up, Foster. We're not having this conversation. You're an idiot when you're sober and you're even worse when you're drunk.”

  An ugly look passed across his face, and I was suddenly very glad Roy was in the room. “Maybe you're a fag yourself,” Foster sneered. I ignored him and started getting ready for bed. Foster wasn't finished yet. “Is that it? My roommate's a fag?” I felt him come up behind me and stiffened. Roy moved closer as Foster grabbed my arm and spun me around, shoving me against my desk. “Are you a fag, Jake?”

  “Foster, stop,” Roy rumbled. Personally, I would have stopped just from the tone of his voice, but Foster was too far gone.

  “Are you?”

  Something inside me snapped. I looked him right in the eye and said, “Yes.”

  Foster's fist drew back so fast I didn't have time to do more than flinch, but the blow never landed. Roy moved to intervene with a speed I'd never suspected he possessed. His knuckles connected solidly with Foster's face, actually sending him flying a short distance through the air before hitting the floor with a heavy thud. He didn't move. I stared down at him for a few seconds before glancing over at Roy. He was looking at Foster with a sad expression on his face.

  “I didn't want to hit him,” he said.

  “I know, but I'm sure glad you did.”

  He looked over at me. “Foster always gets mean when he gets drunk.”

  I couldn't argue with that so I just nodded. Roy picked Foster up and laid him on his bed. “I don't think I should sleep in here tonight, just in case he wakes up and is still mad,” I said.

  He nodded. “Where will you go?”

  “I can probably stay on Erin's futon again.” He blinked at me without comprehension. “I can stay with a friend.” He nodded again.

  I pulled out some clothes from my dresser and stuffed them into my backpack. I didn't want to have to face Foster in the morning...or ever again, for that matter.

  “Are you?” Roy asked suddenly.

  I stopped what I was doing and looked over at him. He was studying me closely, as if trying to figure something out.

  “Am I what?”

  “What Foster said?”

  “A fag?”

  “I didn't want to use that word after you yelled at Foster for saying it.”

  “You want to know if I'm gay?”

  He nodded.

  I eyed his huge frame and thought about the damage he could do to me if he didn't like my answer. So far, he'd been a gentle giant when it came to his interaction with me, but I'd just watched him knock a big guy like Foster halfway across the room with a single punch. What could he do to me? “Does it matter?”

  He shrugged. “Not really. You're still my friend no matter what. You're nice to me.”

  I felt a pang of guilt at his words. I really hadn't been very nice to him. The fact that he thought I had been spoke volumes about the kind of treatment he must be used to. I decided I at least owed him the truth.

  “Yeah, I'm gay.”

  He smiled as if I'd confirmed something he'd suspected. “I thought so. You're sweet on that little boy, aren't you?”

  I felt a flush creeping up my cheeks. “Kody?”

  “Is he the one Foster punched at the party?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That's the one. You like him, dontcha?”

  “Yeah, I do,” I said and giggled as the surrealistic quality of this conversation struck me. The first person I tell about my crush is an enormous straight simpleton.

  Roy's smile grew. “Does he like you?”

  I shrugged. “I don't know.”

  “You should ask.”

  “It's not quite that easy, Roy.”

  “Why not?”

  “It's not the same for guys like me as it is for you. You can just walk up to a girl that you like and ask her out. I can get beat up or even killed if I ask the wrong person.”

  Roy thought about it a second then slowly bobbed his head once. “Maybe if the guy is someone like Foster, but Kody couldn't beat up a third grader.”

  I laughed. “He took Foster down.”

  “Only cuz he was drunk and didn't expect the little guy to jump him.”

  I looked over at Foster. The area around his eye where Roy at hit him was swelling slightly and already starting to turn dark. He was going to have quite a shiner when he woke up.

  “I should probably go before he comes to,” I said with a sigh. “I don't look forward to sharing a room with him in the future.”

  “You'll have to be careful now,” Roy said. “I'll watch out for you when I'm around.”

  I grinned. Just earlier tonight I'd thought Roy felt like my bodyguard, and now he really was. That annoying Whitney Houston song from The Bodyguard suddenly popped into my head.

  Roy frowned. “That little guy will need watching out for more than you, though.”

  “You think Foster will mess with him?”

  “He's gonna be mad. He made him look bad in front of all those people.”

  I hadn't even thought about that. Great. Just what I needed-something else to worry about.

  “I'll watch out for him, too.”

  I smiled at Roy. He really wasn't such a bad guy. I picked up my backpack and slung it over my shoulder. “So yeah, I guess I'll go see if I can stay with Erin.”

  “Okay. Do you care if I stay here tonight? I'll keep an eye on Foster.”

  “That's not a bad idea. You can just take my bed.”

  “Take it where?”

  I laughed, then realized he wasn't making a joke. “Um, you can sleep in my bed.”

  “Oh. Okay. Thanks.”

  I smiled at Roy again. “No, thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For being a friend.”

  He looked surprised. “We're friends?”

  “Hell yeah. You saved my neck tonight.”

  A huge grin spread across his face. “Cool.”

  “G'night, Roy.”

  “Night, Jake.”

  I slipped out of the room and went to see if Erin's futon was available. It
was, and Erin, who was alone this time and still awake when I knocked on her door, was thrilled to have me spend the night again. “It'll be like a slumber party,” she squealed. We stayed up for a while, just talking and getting to know each other better. I even told her about the situation with Foster-she recommended I apply for a room change-and my crush on Kody, which she thought was adorable. Finally, we both grew too tired to keep our eyes open and we fell asleep.

  I was a little disoriented when I awoke the next morning. I sat up and remembered where I was, but Erin was nowhere to be seen. I found my watch and checked the time. It was after ten! That was sleeping in late for me. I got up and found a note from Erin on my backpack.