‘This is one small step for man,’ he said solemnly as his foot was about to touch the planet. ‘One stinky step for mankind.’
James jumped lightly off the bottom of the ladder.
Immediately, he sank down into soft brown sludge, almost up to his knees.
‘Aaagghh!’ he said, with a horrified expression on his face. ‘It’s . . . it’s . . .’
‘It’s quite obvious what it is,’ said Judi. ‘What were you expecting . . . chocolate?’
‘I don’t know,’ said James. ‘I’ve never been here before!’
‘Didn’t the name of the planet give you even a tiny clue as to what it might be made of?’ said Judi.
‘No,’ said James, frowning. ‘I thought it was named after the Greek god Uranus. The Ancient Greeks believed Uranus gave heat, light and rain to the Earth. He was also the husband of Gaea and the father of the Cyclopes, the Titans, Rhea and the monsters with one hundred heads and fifty mouths.’
‘Boy, have you got a lot to learn,’ said Judi.
James groaned.
‘Come on, James!’ said Judi. ‘Pull yourself together. It could be worse!’
‘How in the univarse could I possibly be in a worse position than being up to my knees in this stuff?’ he said.
Judi laughed. ‘You could be up to your neck in it!’ she said. ‘Or upside down!’
‘Very funny,’ said James.
He helped Judi down into the sludge and they waded off in the direction of the smoke.
It was hard, slow going.
While they waded, Judi tried to distract herself by imagining what Zack might be doing right at that moment. She worked out that it was bedtime back on Earth. She imagined he was probably tucked up in bed reading—no doubt one of the interplanetary bum-fighting comics he loved so much. About this time Gran would probably be bringing him a warm cup of cocoa and kissing him goodnight.
Judi felt an intense pang of regret. She longed to be back home. Zack was lucky to have his grandmother to look after him, sure, but there were some things that only a mother could do.
Judi bit her lip. She was resolved. Despite her love of bum-fighting, this was definitely going to be the last E-mission she went on. At least until Zack was grown up.
The air was thick with smoke by the time they finally made it to the crater they had seen from the roof of the bum-mobile. It seemed much bigger up close. It was at least twenty metres in diameter. Whatever had created it was obviously very large and very heavy.
‘Wait here,’ said James, taking a roll of double-strength four-ply reinforced toilet tissue and tying it around his waist.
‘What are you going to do?’ said Judi.
‘I’m going to go as close to the edge as I can and see if I can get a look at whatever it is that’s down there,’ said James.
‘Be careful, James,’ said Judi. ‘It’s very slippery.’
‘I know,’ he said, handing her the toilet roll. ‘Hold on to this.’
Judi took the toilet roll and attached it to the lockable toilet roll holder on her suit.
Holding on to the other end, James waded as close as he dared to the edge of the crater and peered down into the smoking hole.
Despite the smoke and the darkness, he could see flames a long, long way below him.
‘What can you see?’ said Judi, through his earpiece.
‘I’m not sure,’ said James. ‘Something’s on fire—I can’t see it because there’s too much smoke. Although, judging by the smell, it’s obviously animal in origin.’
‘But that’s ridiculous,’ said Judi. ‘What sort of animal flies through space and crashes into planets?’
‘I . . . I . . . don’t know,’ said James, who was beginning to feel strangely dizzy. Whether it was from the extreme height or the smoke or the stench he couldn’t be sure, but it took every bit of concentration and willpower that he could muster to stop himself from falling forwards.
‘Are you feeling all right, James?’ said Judi.
‘Yes,’ he lied. ‘I’m fine.’
‘Why don’t you take some photos with the infra-brown camera?’ said Judi, taking it out of her suit. ‘That should cut through the smoke and give us a much better look at whatever’s down there.’
Judi threw the camera across to James. But her throw was slightly too high.
James lunged to catch the camera as it sailed over his shoulder.
He caught it, but as he landed he failed to take into account the fact that he was four times as heavy as he was on Earth. He staggered backwards.
Judi saw him disappear over the edge of the crater.
She screamed into her headset.
‘Hey! Quit it!’ said James. ‘That hurts!’
‘James?’ said Judi.
‘I’m okay,’ said James. ‘I haven’t fallen far. But I’m going to need your help to get back up.’
‘All right,’ said Judi, cautiously approaching the edge of the crater.
She reached the place where James had been standing and looked over the edge. James was a metre below, hugging the inside wall of the crater.
‘Give me your hand,’ he said.
Judi leaned forward as far as she could, but still couldn’t quite reach James’s hand.
‘Great!’ said James. ‘Just a little bit more!’
She leaned forward a little bit more . . .
. . . and a little bit more
. . . and just a tiny little bit more
. . . and
. . . finally the tips of her fingers touched the tips of James’s fingers.
She leaned forward just a little bit more . . .
and then . . .
just a little too far.
She felt herself tumbling forwards, but there was nothing she could do to stop herself.
James grabbed her hand but the weight of her falling body ripped him from his precarious grip on the side of the crater and they both tumbled headlong down into its murky depths.
James and Judi fell for a long time.
But they didn’t die.
Now, normally, falling into a very deep hole on top of a burning unidentified alien life form on a planet two-and-a-half billion kilometres away from Earth on the far side of the solar system would mean certain death for even the boldest and bravest bum-fighters in the world.
But not James and Judi Freeman.
Falling into a very deep hole on top of a burning unidentified alien life form on a planet two-and-a-half billion kilometres away from Earth on the far side of the solar system was just another day at the office for them.
They were tough. They were also extremely lucky.
They landed in a warm spongy crevasse. They were wedged in pretty tightly but after much struggling they managed to pull themselves out.
‘Phew,’ said James, lying on his back. ‘That was lucky!’
‘That all depends on your definition of “lucky”,’ said Judi, opening her eyes and looking at the leaping flames all around them.
‘Well,’ said James, ‘we’re not dead, are we?’
‘Not yet,’ said Judi.
She reached for the portable fire extinguisher she carried on her belt and began spraying.
Gradually the flames gave way to great clouds of hissing steam.
‘I can’t believe you brought a fire extinguisher!’ said James.
‘A good bum-fighter is always prepared!’ said Judi.
James shook his head in admiration. ‘What do you think it is?’ he said.
The object they were standing on seemed to be divided into two main sections by the huge crevasse they’d just crawled out of.
Judi knelt and examined the burnt surface. ‘It’s definitely animal,’ she said.
‘Do you think it’s alive?’ said James.
‘Only just,’ she said.
James rubbed his chin. He studied the crevasse and the two large mounds on either side. ‘You know,’ he said. ‘If I didn’t know better, I’d say we were standing on top of an e
normous bum.’
‘But that’s ridiculous,’ said Judi. ‘There’s only one bum in the world this big . . .’
‘Yes,’ said James, ‘The Great White Bum! But this bum is definitely not white.’
‘Hang on a minute,’ said Judi. She peeled away a blackened layer of charcoal to reveal a blinding white patch of flesh underneath. It was so white it glowed, as if lit from within.
It was so bright that both James and Judi had to shield their eyes.
‘It is the Great White Bum!’ said James, shaking his head.
‘But what’s it doing out here?’ said Judi.
‘Remember that book, Chariots of the Bums by Eric von Dunnycan?’ said James. ‘The one where he postulated that the Great White Bum was a space traveller?’
Judi snorted. ‘That load of rubbish! What about it?’
‘Maybe it wasn’t such a load of rubbish after all,’ said James. ‘Maybe he was right. There’s a lot we don’t know about the Great White Bum.’
They were both amazed and silent as they let the possibility that they were standing on top of the Great White Bum sink in.
Judi slammed her fist into her hand. ‘Of course! We should have known that the Great White Bum was behind the reanimation of the Uranusian bums!’
‘Maybe, maybe not,’ said James, deep in thought. ‘Incredible as it seems, it might have been purely accidental.’
‘How do you mean?’ said Judi.
‘Well,’ said James, ‘it’s had a run-in with something. Obviously something very powerful. Something that caused it to catch on fire and fly through space, and then—by total fluke, bad luck or both—crash into a planet full of methane, and create an explosion so intense and so smelly that it brought the dead to life again. Now call me stupid if you like, but isn’t that a possibility?’
‘Yes, it’s possible,’ Judi consented. ‘But the real question is, how do we finish it off?’
‘I don’t think we need to,’ said James. ‘There’s nothing we can do to it that hasn’t been done already. It may not have long to live. I say we get out of here, fill in the hole and erect a monument.’
‘I agree,’ said Judi. ‘But let’s skip the monument.’
‘Okey dokey,’ said James.
‘Just one question,’ said Judi.
‘What’s that?’ said James.
‘How do we get out of a very deep hole with slippery sides with no handholds on a planet two-and-a-half billion kilometres away from Earth on the far side of the solar system where we weigh four times our normal weight?’
‘I’ve got no idea,’ said James, shrugging. ‘I was hoping you could tell me.’
Meanwhile, on the other side of the solar system, Eleanor, Zack and Gran were speeding into a fiery red sunrise towards the Bum-fighters’ Retirement Home.
‘Red sky at night, bum-fighter’s delight,’ said Gran as she peered over the top of her glasses. ‘Red sky in the morning . . . bum-fighter’s warning.’
‘You don’t really believe that nonsense, do you?’ said Eleanor.
‘Believe it?’ said Gran. ‘I’ll have you know, I made that “nonsense” up!’
Eleanor clapped her hand to her forehead. ‘Of course,’ she said, ‘I should have known.’
‘When you’ve been fighting bums for as long as I have,’ said Gran, ‘you notice things. After a hard day’s bum-fighting, the redness in the sky at night is caused by the refraction of the sun’s rays through the huge amount of gas emitted by slaughtered bums.’
‘The death stink,’ said Zack, remembering the Great White Bum’s outpouring in the bumcano.
‘Yes,’ said Gran, ‘that’s right. And that’s good. But redness in the morning is not good. The gas should have cleared by then. Redness in the morning can mean only one thing. That bums have been active all night—plotting, scheming and marshalling their forces.’
Eleanor and Zack looked at each other and nodded. Now that it had been explained, it made perfect sense.
‘Watch out!’ said Gran. ‘Bum to starboard!’
Eleanor looked to her right and caught a glimpse of a zombie bum flying towards them. She tried to take evasive action, but was too late. The zombie bum splattered against the windscreen, leaving a blue-black smear on the glass.
‘I hate that!’ said Eleanor, reaching for the windscreen flusher. She flicked it a few times and cursed again. ‘And this windscreen flusher sucks!’
‘Language!’ said Gran.
‘How am I supposed to fly the bum-mobile if the windscreen flusher is broken?’ said Eleanor.
Gran shook her head. ‘In the old days,’ she said, ‘we didn’t have windscreen flushers! We had to get out and wipe them clean with our sleeves.’ Eleanor rolled her eyes. ‘If we were lucky enough to have a windscreen, that is,’ said Gran, ignoring her. ‘Or sleeves for that matter. There was no protective bum-fighting gear in those days, you know, and certainly no specialised bum-fighting weapons. You were lucky if you had a sharp stick and a raincoat. But it made us inventive. We had to be resourceful. But nowadays . . . you kids don’t know how easy you’ve got it.’
‘Maybe we’ve got better equipment,’ said Eleanor, through gritted teeth, ‘but nowadays the bums are meaner and more dangerous.’
Gran stared at Eleanor, a wild look in her eyes. ‘Are you trying to tell me that Bumzilla wasn’t mean?’ she said. ‘And are you trying to tell me that the Abuminable Brownman wasn’t dangerous? I’ve pinched bums that would make your nostril hairs stand on end, soldier. I’ve pinched bums that would make your nostril hairs take fright and run away. I’ve pinched bums that would make your nostril hairs commit nostril-hairicide rather than endure the pong emanating from these beasts! You ought to be thankful that I finished them off before you were born!’
‘If you were so brave,’ said Eleanor, ‘then why didn’t you get rid of the Great White Bum before it had a chance to kill my mother?’
‘I’m sorry,’ said Gran, putting her hand on Eleanor’s shoulder. ‘I’m not infallible. If I could go back in time and kill that monster I would. But we didn’t realise just how powerful—or how evil—it was back then. In those days it was just one of many.’
‘Look out!’ said Zack. Two zombie bums were flying directly towards them.
‘Zack?’ said Eleanor, wiping her eyes. ‘What’s happening?’
But Zack had already grabbed the wheel.
He jerked it to the left, narrowly avoiding the first bum, and then jerked it hard right, barely avoiding a collision with the second one.
The sudden turn, however, threw the ship around so violently that Eleanor and Gran were thrown from their seats.
‘Zack!’ yelled Eleanor, picking herself up. ‘What did you do that for?’
‘Zombie bums!’ said Zack. ‘You were too busy arguing to see.’
‘It was my fault,’ said Gran quickly. ‘I distracted you, Eleanor. I’m sorry.’
Eleanor shrugged. ‘No, I’m sorry,’ she said, extending her hand towards Gran. ‘I guess bum-fighting is not—and never has been—easy.’
Gran nodded, took Eleanor’s hand and shook it.
Zack smiled. It was good to see Eleanor and Gran making their peace. But the smile was quickly wiped from his face by what he saw when he turned and looked out of the windscreen.
The rest home for retired bum-fighters was directly in front of them.
But the scene was anything but restful.
At the front of the main building there was a massive battle going on between two elderly bum-fighters and a swarm of zombie bums.
‘That’s them!’ said Gran. ‘My old team! The Flicker and the Forker!’
‘Looks like they’ve come out of retirement,’ said Zack.
Eleanor immediately cut the bum-mobile engines and began to descend.
Zack stared at the scene in front of him.
One of the bum-fighters appeared to be naked except for a green towel around his waist and a yellow towel on his head. In his hand he was brandishin
g a large red beach towel like a bullwhip, his mighty flicks cracking like gunshots against the hides of the zombie bums swarming around him.
Meanwhile, the other bum-fighter—a huge man wearing a gardening apron and black rubber kneepads—was spearing zombie bums in mid-air with a seemingly inexhaustible combination of gardening and kitchen forks that hung from two belts strung across his chest.
‘All right,’ said Eleanor, gliding the bum-mobile to a silent landing at the back of the retirement home. ‘Let’s get suited up fast and get out there! They look like they could use some help.’
Zack pulled down one of the bum-fighting suits. He chose a brown one to help camouflage him.
‘I don’t want to go out there,’ said Zack’s bum, as Zack put on the suit.
‘Why not?’ said Zack.
‘I don’t like zombie bums,’ it said.
‘Me neither,’ said Zack. ‘But that’s exactly why we have to go. If we don’t fight them, everybody in the entire world will end up zombie-bummified—including you and me—and we’ll like that even less.’
Zack checked his belt to make sure his sauce bottle was still attached.
Eleanor opened the hatch and they all climbed out.
The grounds, apart from zombie bum blast craters, were beautifully kept. The bum-fighters ran crouching across a carefully manicured croquet lawn, past a sauna room located at the rear of the main building, and then cautiously made their way around the side. As they drew closer to the action, the sounds of the fighting grew louder and more frightening. Zack could hear the gunshot-like cracks of the Flicker’s whip and the sickening squelches each time the Forker’s fork connected with a zombie bum.
Eleanor nodded, signalling for Zack to go first. He edged up to the front of the building, closely followed by Gran.
The Forker and the Flicker had their backs turned to them. Their attention was completely focused on a large blue bum cannonballing towards them at high speed.
‘Should we let them know we’re here?’ said Zack.
‘What, and spoil the surprise?’ said Gran. ‘Not on your life. Watch this!’
Gran ran up behind the Forker and the Flicker and—with a mighty leap up onto both of their shoulders—grabbed the incoming bum and pinched it so hard that it burst-apart like a rotten watermelon. Well, like a burst apart rotten watermelon except much smellier. And able to slowly reassemble itself—an ability for which it must be said that burst apart rotten watermelons are not generally well noted.
Zombie Bums from Uranus Page 9