Still, it was a daunting sight and the stench emanating from it made her feel nauseated and lightheaded.
But no less courageous.
‘Prepare to die!’ she announced, lifting the heavy gun up onto her shoulder, squinting against the Great White Bum’s brightness.
But the Great White Bum just laughed.
The gale of gas blew the 370TZ Constipator out of Judi’s hand, over the edge of the bum-mobile and down into the brown sludge of Uranus.
Judy looked at her empty hands in disbelief.
‘Didn’t they teach you anything in school?’ said the Great White Bum. ‘I am the GREAT WHITE BUM . . . indestructible and immortal!’
Judi smiled bravely. ‘And didn’t they teach you anything in school about personal hygiene?’ she said. ‘You don’t look that great or white to me. Look at yourself! You’re sad, pathetic, filthy, and you’re missing most of the skin from your right cheek.’
‘Nobody insults the Great White Bum!’ it announced angrily.
‘Wrong!’ said Judi. ‘I just did.’
‘I meant nobody insults the Great White Bum . . . and lives!’ it said.
‘Wrong again,’ said Judi, searching the pockets of her spacesuit for her perfume bomb. ‘My son shot a harpoon into you . . . and he’s still alive!’
The Great White Bum visibly brightened. So much so that Judi had to shield her eyes.
‘Not for much longer,’ it said. ‘But now I feel refreshed and revived by the methane. First I will kill you, and then I’m going to return to Earth to kill your son and take over the world. Any last words?’
Judi, still searching for the perfume bomb, desperately tried to play for time.
‘You’ll never succeed,’ she said. ‘You’re too late! The Earth has been invaded by zombie bums created by your collision with this planet!’
‘What wonderful news!’ said the Great White Bum, brightening again. ‘That was, of course, exactly my plan. By now my Uranusian zombie bums will have had plenty of time to buminate the earth and I can now return and take over. So it’s all worked out rather well, don’t you think?’
‘Not so fast, Fatso,’ said James Freeman, appearing on top of the bum-mobile, a bum-gun in his hands.
‘Ah!’ said the Great White Bum. ‘Zack Freeman’s father, I presume?’
James nodded.
‘This must be my lucky day!’ said the Great White Bum. ‘It started off badly, but it’s turned out surprisingly well.’
‘Well, it just took a turn for the worse!’ said James Freeman, pulling the trigger of a series 9000 nail-gun.
But the Great White Bum just laughed as the nails bounced off it. ‘Stop it,’ it said. ‘That tickles.’
James threw down the nail-gun in disgust and put up his fists. ‘Come and fight like a man!’ he said.
‘But I’m not a man,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘I’m a bum!’
‘And a very smelly one,’ said James.
‘Thanks,’ said the Great White Bum as it puffed itself up and prepared to gas the tiny figures standing on the nose of their bum-mobile. ‘It’s very kind of you to say so but flattery will get you nowhere. And now . . . YOU DIE!’
‘No,’ said Judi, her fingers closing on the perfume bomb. ‘You do.’
Judi pulled the pin of the perfume bomb, counted silently to three and threw it at the Great White Bum.
But as she did so, the Great White Bum let fly with the most deadly poisonous blast of gas it had ever discharged in its entire life.
There was an enormous explosion as the putrid gas and the fragrant perfume collided . . . and then silence.
Zack and his bum hokeyed.
Zack and his bum pokeyed.
Zack and his bum hokey-pokeyed down what was left of the main street, on to the road that led out of Mabeltown and towards the Maggotorium, leading a vast conga-line of hokey-pokeying zombie bums.
‘You do the hokey pokey and you turn around . . .’ sang Zack at the top of his voice. The zombie bums all turned around. ‘And that’s what it’s all about!’ Zack clapped his hands twice and the zombie bums all did the same . . . all the way back down the line.
‘I’m sick of the hokey pokey!’ said Zack’s bum, as they launched into the beginning of the whole song and dance again.
‘We can’t stop now,’ whispered Zack. ‘If we do they could turn on us. We’ll end up zombie-bummified quicker than you can say “zombie-bummification”.’
Zack began the next verse, ignoring his bum’s loud sigh.
They hokeyed.
They pokeyed.
They turned around—all the while gaining scores of fresh zombie bums as they abandoned their hosts to join in the dance.
As Zack hokey-pokeyed up towards the entrance to the Maggotorium he saw Gran, Eleanor, the Forker and the Flicker forming a guard of honour beside the bum-mobile.
Eleanor smiled at Zack. ‘I didn’t know you could dance,’ she said.
‘Just the hokey pokey,’ shrugged Zack, self-consciously.
‘Nice footwork, soldiers,’ said Gran.
‘Good going, Zack!’ yelled the Flicker,
‘See? I told you it would work!’ said the Forker, raising his fork high in the air.
‘Your “instructions” were wrong,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘They almost got me killed!’
‘Nobody’s perfect,’ said the Forker.
‘You’re right about that,’ said Zack’s bum, lifting its leg and burping as it hokey-pokeyed past the Forker.
The Forker, gagging and choking, waved his fork at Zack’s bum.
Meanwhile Zack had reached the manhole that led down to the Maggotorium and was lowering himself down the ladder, hokey-pokeying all the while—which is no mean feat when you’re trying to climb down a ladder. Zack’s bum hokey-pokeyed quickly down after him.
The hokey-pokeying zombie bums followed obediently. They, however, were too big and clumsy to climb down ladders and do the hokey pokey at the same time. Most of the zombie bums ended up plummeting downwards and bouncing all over the Maggotorium like beachballs.
‘What do we do now?’ said Zack’s bum, trying to shield itself from the zombie bums crashing down all around them.
‘Get as far away from the ladder as possible and just keep doing the hokey pokey!’ said Zack. ‘If we stop doing it then they’ll stop doing it and then we’ll really be in trouble.’
Zack and his bum hokey-pokeyed as far into the Maggotorium as the dim light allowed.
Sure enough, despite the shock of the fall, the bruised and dazed zombie bums continued to be mesmerised by the hokey pokey.
‘I’m really sick of the hokey pokey now,’ said Zack’s bum as it and Zack danced in front of the hokey-pokeying army of zombie bums. ‘How much longer do we have to do this?’
‘Not much longer,’ said Zack, turning around searching in the gloom for the Mutant Maggot Lord’s army of giant mutant maggots. ‘We’re just waiting for the mutant maggots.’
Zack’s bum looked behind them into the gloom. ‘Where are they, anyway?’
‘Good question,’ said Eleanor, hokey-pokeying her way through the zombie bums with the Forker, the Flicker and the Pincher up to where Zack and his bum were dancing. ‘And where’s the Mutant Maggot Lord? I knew we shouldn’t have trusted him. It’s a trick! He’s led us all into another trap! The only feast around here is going to be us, and meanwhile, with the zombie bums safely tucked away down here he’ll take over the world with his mutated maggots. How could we all have been so dumb?’
‘You can’t help it,’ said a haughty voice from the darkness behind them. ‘You are only humans after all, aren’t they, Maurice?’
‘Oh yes, Master, that is unfortunately so,’ said Maurice.
The Prince and Maurice shuffled forward, eyeing the zombie bums nervously.
‘Where are the mutant maggots, you little punks?’ said the Flicker.
‘Language!’ said Gran.
‘And where is the great Mutant Maggot Lord?
’ said the Flicker. ‘He said he’d be here.’
‘And I am,’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord, dragging his rag-covered form out of the darkness towards them. ‘What a pity I can’t join in your little dance. It looks like such fun.’
‘We’ve kept our part of the deal,’ said Zack, ignoring the Mutant Maggot Lord’s sarcasm. ‘Now you keep yours.’
‘But of course!’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘I simply took the precaution of keeping my mutant maggot army hidden. I didn’t want the feasting to start before all of the zombie bums were inside.’
The Mutant Maggot Lord clicked his fingers.
Zack shivered as the Maggotorium filled with the eerie sound of thousands of mutant maggots dragging themselves across the Maggotorium floor.
‘Ah, my lovely girls and boys,’ whispered the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘I have a wonderful surprise for you.’
Zack watched as the mutant maggots formed a huge white wall in front of the zombie bums.
‘Block the exit!’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord to the Prince and Maurice. ‘Nobody . . . no zombie bum—and no mutant maggot—leaves until this is over.’
‘I’ll just be going then, shall I?’ said Zack’s bum. ‘After all, I don’t technically fit into any of those categories and . . .’
‘Shut up,’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord.
‘Language!’ said Gran.
‘I beg your pardon,’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘Now shut up and keep dancing.’
The tone of the Mutant Maggot Lord’s voice alarmed Zack. He looked up over his shoulder. The maggots rose high above him. One dribbled a long sticky strand of saliva onto his shoulder.
‘Gross!’ said Zack. ‘Maggot-spit!’
‘Let the feast begin!’ commanded the Mutant Maggot Lord.
Zack, his bum and the other bum-fighters dived for cover behind the two closest concrete pillars as the white wave of maggots advanced towards the helplessly hokey-pokeying zombie bums.
Zack closed his eyes. He’d seen the mutant maggots in action back in the bumcano, and it hadn’t been pretty. The zombie bums didn’t stand a chance.
But when Zack opened his eyes again, he saw to his surprise, that the mutant maggots hadn’t eaten a single zombie bum.
‘What are you waiting for, my darlings?’ yelled the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘Eat to your heart’s content!’
But the mutant maggots would not start eating. They shrank from the zombie bums, who, slowly waking from the spell of the hokey-pokey were now advancing on the maggots.
‘What’s happening, Kisser?’ said Eleanor. ‘You said your mutant maggots would eat them! If they don’t hurry up they’re going to be zombie-bummified and then we’ll all be in for it.’
‘I don’t understand,’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘They are not usually fussy eaters. But perhaps even a mutant maggot will not stoop so low as to eat a zombie bum from Uranus.’
‘Language,’ said Gran.
‘I meant the planet,’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord.
‘You mutant!’ screamed Eleanor.
‘I’m sorry,’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord sadly. ‘It seems that I have led you here under false pretences. My mutant maggot army cannot save the world after all.’
Zack was dumbstruck.
The words ‘cannot save the world’ echoed in his brain.
And then it hit him.
Of course the mutant maggot army couldn’t save the world.
There was only one thing that could do that. The Blind Bum-feeler had made that perfectly clear.
Eleanor moved towards the Mutant Maggot Lord, her face contorted with rage. ‘I KNEW it!’ she snarled as she advanced on him with her hands in full smacking position.
‘NO!’ yelled Zack. ‘It’s not his fault!’
Eleanor glared at Zack. ‘EVERYTHING’S his fault!’ she said.
‘Not the fact that maggots won’t eat zombie bums from Uranus, though,’ said Zack, drawing his bottle of tomato sauce from his belt. ‘At least, not without tomato sauce!’
Holding the bottle in both hands, Zack pointed it at the zombie bums and squeezed as hard as he could. Tomato sauce flew across the Maggotorium and splattered against a number of the zombie bums in the front row.
The effect was as quick as it was terrifying.
Invigorated by the intoxicating smell of freshly squeezed tomato sauce, the mutant maggots struck.
They surged forward, tearing and chomping the tomato sauce–covered zombie bums to shreds.
Zack squeezed the tomato sauce bottle again and again until there was no more tomato sauce left to squeeze.
But it didn’t matter.
The mutant maggots had worked themselves into such a frenzy that every last zombie bum was finally devoured, whether it had tomato sauce on it or not.
The Maggotorium grew quiet as the mutant maggots retreated into the gloom to digest their meal.
‘It’s over,’ said Zack. ‘We did it!’
‘No,’ said Eleanor. ‘You did it, Zack. You saved the world with tomato sauce!’
‘I helped to save the world too, you know,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘I did the hokey pokey.’
‘Yes,’ smiled Eleanor. ‘Zack and you.’
‘Thanks, Eleanor,’ said Zack, ‘but I think the real credit has to go to the mutant maggots. I mean, they had to eat the zombie bums.’
‘Yes, that’s true,’ said the Forker. ‘But if I hadn’t had the idea of doing the dance then you couldn’t have led the zombie bums to the Maggotorium and the maggots wouldn’t have been able to eat them.’
‘If anyone deserves credit,’ said the Prince, ‘it’s our master, the Mutant Maggot Lord. Without him, none of this would have been possible, would it, Maurice?’
‘No, your highness,’ said Maurice, putting a bum-trumpet to his mouth and blowing a long impressive note. ‘All hail the Mutant Maggot Lord!’
The Mutant Maggot Lord dragged himself forward.
‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘But the feast is not over yet.’
Zack’s stomach dropped as he tried to make sense of the Mutant Maggot Lord’s words. ‘You mean . . .’
‘Yes,’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord in a cold voice. ‘That’s exactly what I mean.’
‘Well, well,’ said Eleanor, shaking her head in disgust. ‘What a surprise! Still the same old dirty double-crossing Kisser.’
‘You are a clever girl,’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘But perhaps not quite as clever as you think. Don’t blame yourself, though. After all, I am a very charming man.’
‘Wrong,’ said Eleanor. ‘You were a very charming man. Now you’re nothing but a sad mutant in a filthy sack.’
‘Maybe,’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord, ‘but soon you will be nothing but a munched-up morsel in a mutant maggot’s belly. I, on the other hand, will rule the world.’
‘And just how do you propose to do that?’ guffawed the Forker.
‘With my mutant maggot army, of course,’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘The zombie bums were an unexpected interruption to my plans, but now that you have helped me to eliminate them, there is nothing to stop us! Nothing!’
‘Except for the fact that your mutant maggots are too helpless to leave the Maggotorium,’ the Flicker said.
‘They won’t be mutant maggots for much longer,’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘Thanks to the nutritious feast you have just provided, they will soon be giant mutant blowflies. Squadrons of them—all under my command. But first, a little farewell supper.’
‘Aren’t you forgetting something?’ said Eleanor. ‘We’re alive, and your mutant maggots don’t eat live flesh.’
‘That can easily be remedied!’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord.
As the Mutant Maggot Lord spoke, however, Zack began to notice through the gloom that the mutant maggots behind the Mutant Maggot Lord were not well.
They were twisting.
Writhing.
Convulsing.
Dying.
‘I don’t think your magg
ots will be eating anybody,’ said Zack.
‘What are you talking about?’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord.
‘Turn around and see for yourself,’ said Zack.
The Mutant Maggot Lord dragged himself around.
‘NO!’ he cried. ‘NO!!!’
As the Mutant Maggot Lord pulled himself into their midst, the mutant maggots that were still alive threw themselves at him, temporarily blocking him from view. When they finally settled, Zack saw the Mutant Maggot Lord was sitting in the middle of the dying maggots, cradling one of them in his violently deformed arms. Well, at least Zack thought it was the Mutant Maggot Lord. His shroud had fallen from his head. Well, at least Zack thought it was his head. It seemed more like a blob of molten plastic, featureless except for a single sagging eye and a drooping mouth. Well, at least, Zack thought it was an eye and a mouth . . .
Zack stared at the figure.
‘It’s horrible,’ said Eleanor, grasping Zack’s arm. ‘What is it?’
‘It’s the Mutant Maggot Lord’s head,’ said Zack, finding his voice. ‘Well, at least I think it’s the Mutant Maggot Lord’s head . . .’
They watched as the Mutant Maggot Lord stroked the dead maggots.
And wept. Great heaving sobs.
Zack felt tears come into his own eyes. It was hard not to be moved by his grief.
Before long, all of the mutant maggots stopped moving. Zack, overcoming his revulsion, approached the Mutant Maggot Lord.
‘It’s over,’ said Zack. ‘There’s nothing more you can do for them.’
‘I can at least be with them!’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord.
‘But they’re dead,’ said Zack.
‘And it’s all my fault!’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord.
‘No, it was the zombie bums,’ said Zack, reaching out towards the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘They killed your maggots.’
‘But my mutant maggots trusted me!’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord, pushing Zack’s hand away. ‘My beautiful babies trusted me and I led them to their doom.’
Zombie Bums from Uranus Page 14