I let the phone slip out of my hand, bury myself under my duvet and cry for a very long time.
Dad’s here, I can hear him coming up the stairs. I try to bury myself deeper under the duvet. It’s been a couple of hours since I phoned Josh and since then I’ve just been laying here, staring at the ceiling. Again. I can’t silence all the chatter in my head. Dad doesn’t knock, he practically jumps into the room and pulls me to him and hugs me really tight for ages. This is exactly what I need right now. He feels so strong. Maybe if he hadn’t have left us for his other woman I might have been able to tell him everything before it was too late. He might have been able to help us.
‘How are you feeling?’
‘Not great. Mum hates me. Katie’s family hate me.’
‘I’m sure they don’t. And I know your mum doesn’t. Everyone’s just shocked. But give them all time and they’ll soon realise it was all a horrible accident.’
I pull away from him and check his face. ‘How much do you know?’
‘Your mum told me everything and I’ve just spoken to that policewoman. She’s a bundle of laughs, isn’t she?’
This makes me smile. I’m glad he doesn’t like her.
‘Unfortunately, Katie’s dad has denied it all. He told the police that Katie had a vendetta against him because he didn’t give her enough money for clothes and make-up. How ridiculous is that?’
‘So, you believe us?’
‘I always thought there was something dodgy about that bloke, when you two were at primary school and he’d come to pick Katie up. The way he acted around her was weird. I just wish I’d done something about it back then. But then your mum and I split and, well, I never saw him again so I didn’t think about it.’
I quietly cry. Dad believes me; he believes Katie. So, it must be true? If he suspected her dad then he can help me give evidence. I actually have someone else to back me up for once. He makes me look at him. He’s turned all tense and angry.
‘Hannah? Has he ever tried anything with you?’
I try to think back to all the times I’ve stayed over at Katie’s house. I did bump into him a few times on the landing, when he was in his dressing gown, but he never tried it on with me. When we were younger he would always come to tuck us in at night, but only in a fatherly way.
‘No, never.’
Dad’s face relaxes slightly but he has a horrible look in his eye. ‘He’s been released on bail.’
‘What? He’s allowed to go home?’
‘Technically, yes. But I doubt Elaine will have him in the house. Your mum said she tried ringing their house to speak to her but whoever answered hung up when they heard her voice.’
Oh right. ‘So where will he go?’
‘Who cares? If I see him in the street I’ll kill him. To think that you were sleeping in the house of a paedophile disgusts me! And you don’t want to know what the neighbours want to do to him.’
I’ve never seen him this angry before. I can tell he wants to say more but he keeps it all in. I expect he doesn’t want to shock me. I wouldn’t want to be Katie’s dad right now. I bet news will spread fast. I feel a twinge of guilt at the thought of him being hounded, but I don’t know why. We’re actually both in a very similar position.
‘What happens next, dad? What am I supposed to do?’
He takes a deep breath and thinks about it for a minute. ‘I think all you can do is carry on as normal. Don’t shut yourself away, but don’t speak to anyone about it either, especially not the press. Your mum said you were thinking about seeing a counsellor?’
‘Yeah, at one point. But am I entitled to see one if I killed somebody?’
‘Don’t talk like that, it was an accident, something that was completely out of your control. Seeing a counsellor might help you realise that. I’ll ask your mum to arrange it.’
Hearing dad say it wasn’t my fault is the most reassuring thing I’ve ever been told in my life. That’s the first time anyone’s said it. I try not to get my hopes up though. There is still a police investigation going on. For all I know they could find something that makes it look like I pushed her on purpose.
‘Okay, thanks.’
‘I’ve got to get to work now. But ring me if you need anything, okay?’
‘I don’t have your number in my mobile.’
He reads it out as I program it into the mobile Josh bought me. I’ll replace this phone as soon as I can. But the longer I have it, the longer Josh can contact me, if he changes his mind. I send dad a quick text so that he’s got my number. Then he leaves me alone in my bedroom. I feel better after speaking to him. I hear him have a quick conversation with mum downstairs and then he leaves. I pull back the curtains and look out my window to watch him dodge the journalists. He waves goodbye to me as he gets in his car. Immediately the journalists turn around to follow his gaze and when they realise it’s me in the window they start taking photos. I close the curtains and move away.
How am I supposed to carry on as normal? I can’t even remember what used to be normal. I put my TV on for some company. Then it occurs to me that I should write to them, to Josh and Elaine. To explain how sorry I am. This thought turns into an obsession as I hunt through my drawers for some paper. I only find some in my printer. I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to anyone. I’ve only ever sent postcards and emails. I think about what to say. Where do I start? I can’t apologise without reminding them why I’m apologising; without mentioning Katie’s death. I realise then that whatever I write, I can’t actually post it to them. But it might help me to write it all down. I start before I change my mind.
Dear Elaine and Josh, I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened. I’m so sorry I didn’t have the guts to tell you myself. I’m a coward. I’m sorry that I didn’t try harder to pull Katie towards me. It all happened so fast. I’m sorry that I didn’t run for help. I was paralysed. I’m sorry I had to tell the police about your dad. I don’t have any evidence, but I know how upset Katie was when she told me about it. I know how desperate she was to stop it. It was killing her. I don’t believe anyone can act that well. She wanted to save her baby brother or sister from going through the same thing. I’m so sorry for ruining all your lives. It kills me to think I’ll never see you again. I’m going to move away so that you don’t have a constant reminder of what I did. If I could go back to that day I would change absolutely everything. Please don’t hate me forever.
It’s virtually unreadable anyway because of my tears.
Chapter 10
The next week passes in the same boring way. I stay in my bedroom as much as possible expect for meal times and to use the bathroom. I get one good thing happen to me; I get my period. So at least I’m not pregnant by Steve. God, just thinking his name makes me shudder. I’m starting to believe me passing out on that bed stopped him in his tracks and that he didn’t go any further. That’s what I’m choosing to believe anyway. Mum is being a bit friendlier to me, but she’s on edge because she’s in touch with Kath all the time about how the investigation is going. She’s trying to find out whether I’ll be charged with anything but whenever I ask her what Kath said she says ‘you don’t want to know’ and walks away.
I don’t know how much longer I can bear sitting in my bedroom. I’ve stopped using the internet as it’s turned into my enemy. Dad keeps texting me, which is nice. It makes me feel normal when I’m having a text conversation. But mum told me that dad asked Harry if he wanted to spend the day with me and maybe go to the cinema. But Harry said no because he’s scared of me and doesn’t want to get even more bullied at school by being seen with me. Poor kid. Is there anyone whose life I haven’t ruined? This morning I have my first counselling session to look forward to. I don’t know what to expect. I’m just going out of curiosity more than anything.
‘Are you ready?’
Mum’s ready to go so we get into the car. There are no journalists outside at the moment. It’s becoming old news. The car journey is awkward. I c
an tell she wants to tell me what to say and what not to say, to the counsellor. She obviously cares what he thinks of us. I suppose my antics do reflect pretty badly on her. Maybe I should tell her I’m not planning to say much at all. When we get there, it turns out to be just someone’s house. I thought it would be in an office or something.
‘Is this it?’
‘This is the address they gave me. Go and knock on the door. I’ll leave when I see you go in. I’ll be back in an hour.’
‘Okay.’
I slowly get out the car and walk up to the massive oak front door. There must be money in counselling. The door opens before I even knock and a woman smiles at me.
‘Hannah?’
‘Yes.’
‘Come in. I’m Mary.’
I take a look behind me before I enter and see mum driving off. She can’t get away quick enough. I’m led to the back of the house and into a nice sunny room with French windows and two comfortable sofas. There are flowers everywhere so the room smells lovely. I’m not sure what to do with myself until Mary tells me to take a seat anywhere.
‘What would you like to drink? I have tea, coffee, orange or diet coke.’
‘Can I have a diet coke please?’
‘Yes of course.’
A cat meanders into the room through the French windows and gradually works up the courage to come and investigate me. It’s a gorgeous tabby cat and he purrs very loudly when stroked. Mary hands me my drink and shoo’s the cat away. She sits on the other sofa, opposite me.
‘So, Hannah. Let me start by explaining how counselling works. It’s basically going to involve you talking and me listening. You can talk about whatever you like, whatever is on your mind at the time. I will listen to you and try to help you resolve anything that might be bothering you. Okay?’
‘Yes.’
‘Good. Now when your mum phoned to make this appointment I asked why she thought you might need to speak to a counsellor.’
I inwardly cringe. What on earth did mum say to that?
‘She told me that you’ve recently been through some very stressful situations, such as tragically losing your best friend.’
She says it so matter-of-factly that I don’t even cry, which worries me because now she’ll be judging me for not crying. I have to stop her there so that she knows the facts from the beginning and doesn’t shower me with misplaced pity.
‘I accidentally killed her.’
That shocks her for a second. She looks away from me. I know then that she’s not going to help me.
‘Maybe you’re looking at it the wrong way. You know, the words we choose to use can make something seem worse than it is. If you tried-’
‘No, you don’t understand. There aren’t any other words to describe the truth. I accidentally pushed her off a cliff and onto broken glass. Then, instead of going for help, I sat with her until she was dead. Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, I walked home and didn’t tell anyone what happened. Then, still without telling anyone what part I’d played in her death, I spoke at her funeral, after which I wallowed in self-pity whilst letting a complete stranger possibly rape me and then I rounded it all off by trying to get off with my dead best friend’s brother.’
She sits back on the sofa and crosses her arms. She’s given up already.
‘I’m a bad person and no amount of talking to you is going to change that,’ I get up to leave and, to my surprise, Mary doesn’t even try to stop me. I let myself out the front door. I walk to the corner of the street and text mum to come and get me. While I wait, I feel completely calm and justified in what I just did. That woman was a bloody idiot! Anyone who says that the words you choose can decide how bad something is shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near people in crisis! It angers me a bit but at the same time I can feel myself wanting to laugh. I can’t believe I just walked out of a stranger’s house like that! And after telling her all my darkest secrets! Thank God for confidentiality laws. By the time mum arrives I can’t stop giggling.
‘What’s the matter? Why was it so quick?’
‘Mum, she was a bloody nutter! There’s no way I’m going back there. You would’ve hated her!’
Mum’s trying to drive but keeps looking at me, confused but with a half-smile on her face. ‘This is the first time I’ve seen you laugh in ages. She must’ve done something right.’
That sets me off again and I can’t stop laughing. I have tears streaming down my face but not in a bad way for a change. Mum catches my giggles and we laugh all the way home. At one point, she nearly crashes into a rubbish truck, which makes us laugh even more. I can feel the tension leaving my body but at the same time I feel a bit hysterical.
When we approach our house, we notice a car outside. All the laughter leaves me within a second of seeing that car. It’s Katie’s mum’s car. She’s sat in it waiting for us.
‘Mum?’
‘This won’t be good. Stay in the car a minute.’
She parks up and gets out. Katie’s mum gets out too and walks over to our car. I notice too late that my window’s open almost fully, but because mum’s switched the engine off I won’t be able to close it to shield myself from whatever Katie’s mum wants to do to me.
‘Elaine, how are you? I’ve tried ringing your house but, well, I don’t get an answer.’
Katie’s mum ignores her and heads straight for my window. Her baby bump is noticeable. For a minute, I have a horrible vision that she’s going to give birth to Katie.
‘Hannah. I want to talk to you.’
She doesn’t seem angry as such, she seems a bit pissed off but mostly just knackered. Like I’m the last of a long list of people she’s had to speak to. I undo my seat belt and reluctantly get out of the car. Mum opens the front door.
‘Come in Elaine. I’ll put the kettle on.’
The neighbour’s blinds are twitching. We all walk into the kitchen. I sit at the dining table and mum goes to Elaine and hugs her. Surprisingly, she lets her.
‘I don’t know what to say to you. This whole situation is the worst thing that could ever have happened. I’m so sorry.’
‘Thanks.’
She looks like she’s trying to restrain herself from doing something. I’m not sure what. Then she comes and sits next to me.
‘God it’s harder to look at you than I thought. You remind me of her so much, because I usually only ever see you with her.’
I try to hold back the tears. I don’t want to start her off.
‘Hannah, I am so angry with you. And so disappointed.’
Oh God, this is unbearable. Mum doesn’t even try to defend me. She just watches us.
‘I’ve gone over and over the whole situation a million times in my head, and I still can’t believe you left her there. I can’t believe you pretended you didn’t know where she was and then spoke about her at her funeral!’
Jesus Christ, this is harsh. It’s what I expected her to think but I could really do with not hearing it. She’s so in my face. I can’t tell whether she’s going to punch me or kiss me.
‘Josh is devastated. He thinks you and Katie have made it all up about Martin. He says he would’ve known if something was going on because he was always in his room upstairs, where it must have happened. He said Martin was always taking Katie’s side when her and Josh fell out. Why would he do that Hannah? If he was as twisted as she’s made out, why would he do that?’
To keep her sweet so that she wouldn’t tell anyone of course. Why can’t she see that? Mum turns away. She seems completely incapable of helping me. Maybe Katie’s mum is saying what she’s thinking herself.
‘No, we didn’t make it up. I only repeated what Katie told me. I’m so sorry about everything, I didn’t mean-’
‘No, you stop right there. You do not get to apologise to me! I cannot forgive you for lying to us. You should be forever ashamed of what you did. Do you think Katie would have done that if it was you lying at the bottom of that cliff?’
I’ve never l
et myself even think about that. But I know the answer. Katie was stronger than me, she would’ve known what to do. Finally, mum speaks up.
‘Elaine, she was in shock.’
‘I don’t care. I’ll never know what really happened that day and Martin swears on Josh’s life that he never touched her, let alone stood there and watched you ‘accidentally’ push her off that edge. Do you want to know what I think?’
No, I want to run away from you and have my memory wiped. My eyes and nose are streaming. This has got to be worse than being in prison. I can tell from the wild look on her face that she hates me with a passion. She’s just very good at restraining herself.
‘I think you were jealous of her. I think you got into an argument about something ridiculous like those boys you were fighting over in Newquay and you pushed her off that cliff on purpose! And then, to cover your own skin you made up lies about her father.’
‘Elaine, that’s enough!’
‘No, it’s not! It’ll never be enough! Whatever I say to her, she’s still alive! My daughter’s dead because of her! My husband’s being victimised because of her!’
She’s stood up now and leaning right over me, backing me into the corner. I couldn’t escape if I wanted to.
The Girl Who Died: A Young Adult Novel Page 10