Groaning, he trailed kisses along her jaw, her cheek, her forehead before burying his face in her hair. “Johanna, more than anything, I want to be with you out here, just us on a blanket in my field full of bluebonnets.”
“Of course, I want that, too.” She slid her hand between them, palming the length of his steely erection. A moist ache settled between her legs.
“Before we’re together again, we need to be sure it’s forever. No more pretending we could ever have a fling.”
Her heart sped in her chest like a hummingbird. “I agree.”
“So we need to clear up one last issue.”
The little bird in her chest sped faster. The only remaining issue had to do with children. Where did she stand and how far was she willing to compromise?
“If we make love now, we don’t need a condom.”
She blinked in shock, certain she couldn’t have heard him right. Terrified to hope. “You’ve changed your mind about having children?”
“Hell, that’s not what I meant, Johanna.”
His eyes squeezed shut tight for an instant before he opened them again, sapphire-blue eyes so full of regret she only had a second to prepare herself before he continued.
“There’s no easy way to say this. I’ve had a vasectomy.”
Eleven
Stone knew he’d just lost Johanna. He could see it in her eyes. Just as he’d feared, once he told her everything, it was over.
That didn’t stop him from trying to hold on to her. He wasn’t giving her up so easily, not this time. So he sat on the quilt beside her and waited to take his cue from her. Her whole body was rigid. She shook just a little, trembling from the aftermath of a direct hit to her tender, sweet heart.
A heart he didn’t deserve, no matter how much he wanted to claim it.
She blinked quickly, her eyes as green as clover even in the dimming day. “You...you did what?”
“Just what I said, and God, Johanna, I am sorry to have to say it at all.” He took her hand, her fingers quivering, and he hated that he’d brought her this pain. “I had a vasectomy right after I met my biological father, which also happened to be around the time my mother checked out of rehab early again. I knew her next fall was inevitable. And I was right.”
He’d been so damn sure of himself and his choices.
Her breath was as shaky as his hand. “You were so young. You still are.”
Her words echoed the mandatory counseling session he’d been forced to sit through before the surgery. It made a whole hell of a lot of difference hearing it from the woman he loved instead of a well-meaning health care professional who’d made the same speech a hundred other times. He could have never predicted loving someone so much it made him question everything he’d ever believed.
“It was way before you and I started dating. Because I swear to you—” and he meant it with every fiber of his being “—if I’d had an inkling of what having you in my life this way would mean, I wouldn’t have done it.”
“Have you ever considered having the procedure reversed?” she asked, each word carefully enunciated, her breathing fast and shallow. Clearly, she was holding on by a thread.
“Not until I met you.”
“How do you feel now?”
“If you want a child, I will do that for you.” Even saying the words scared the hell out of him, but the thought of losing her scared him more. For Johanna, for their kid, he would figure it out. He refused to fail as a parent. “But you need to understand that the more time that lapses the less chance a reversal has of working. Do you have any issues with adoption?”
She shook her head, but there was still something about her stunned expression that made him uneasy. This was too much, too fast for her. She’d barely had time to process the first bombshell he’d dropped.
He waited for her to speak but she kept looking around the field of bluebonnets, the horses grazing, the circle of trees—anywhere other than at him.
Nerves strung tight, he pressed ahead. “I have two drug addict parents. I was born a crack baby. Consider me a broken model. As far as I’m concerned, I would rather fund orphanages and adoption agencies to help babies like me that didn’t have a rich grandma to step in. But if you have faith I can handle being a parent, then I’m going to trust you.”
“Thank you,” she said woodenly. “I understand how difficult that was for you to say.”
“Then why do I still see smoke coming out of your ears?”
“First of all. It’s not just smoke. It’s pain, Stone. Real, deep hurt.” Her hands clenched into fists, and she drew her arms in closer to herself, away from him. She kept shaking her head slowly from side to side. “But yes, there’s anger, too. All those months we were together using birth control, you were lying to me, letting me believe that you might be open to having a family someday even though you knew otherwise.” She shoved to her feet, dusting the flower petals off her jeans in angry sweeps. “It wasn’t just one lie by leaving out something in your past. It was a lie every time we made love. I’m having a difficult time wrapping my brain around that.”
She thrust her hands into her hair, pressing against her head as she paced.
“Yes, it was a cop-out on my part not telling you.” He stood, walking off the quilt and toward her, wary. “I’m an even bigger jackass than you imagined.”
She stroked her fingers through her horse’s mane, a nervous habit he recognized well. “Stone, I’m... I don’t know what to say other than I feel betrayed.” She looked up at him, her eyes so full of pain the clover-green was dewy with unshed tears. “How could you say you love me? How could you propose to me and keep something this important from me?”
“I intended to tell you, even though I knew it would drive you away. Maybe that’s why I delayed because I knew it would make you leave me.” Just as it was doing now. The hole in his chest widened until he fought back the urge to howl in denial. “Then it was too late. Apparently, it still is.”
She turned to him hard and fast, fire spitting from her eyes. “Don’t you get it? It’s not that you had the procedure. That happened before we were a couple. It’s because you lied to me, again and again. Telling me now... I don’t know if that’s enough. I just don’t know.”
“God, Johanna.” His voice cracked as he reached for her.
She yanked away, her horse sidestepping sharply. “I can’t...”
“Can’t what?”
“I can’t process this. I need air—away from you.” She hitched a foot in the stirrup and swung up onto her palomino.
He didn’t bother to stop her. There wasn’t any use. His worst fear had happened, just not for the reason he’d expected. She hadn’t left him because he couldn’t father her children. She’d left him because he hadn’t trusted in their love enough to tell her.
* * *
Johanna gripped the reins tightly in her hands even though she knew Goldie could find her way back in the dark. The evening had started out on such a hopeful note only to end in total heartbreak. She’d even chosen Mariah’s horse to ride as a tribute to the woman who meant so much to them all. Now she could only think of everything they’d all lost.
Goldie slowed from a canter to a trot as they neared the stables. And, oh, God, on the lanai, a wedding was taking place. The trees were strung with lights. Sunflowers and wildflowers filled the space, a live band played as the happy couple walked back down the aisle. The whole ranch would echo with music all night with the reception in a special barn built for just such catered occasions.
She’d dreamed of a wedding just like this.
Squeezing her eyes closed, she let Goldie find her way back to the stables. The regular scents of hay and leather offered none of the normal calm she found here in the barn, her realm. The noise level didn’t help with the reception in full swing and some kind of par
ty going on in the hot tub, too. She could have sworn she heard someone calling her name....
She looked back over her shoulder.
Amie was walking fast in a whispery sequined sun dress and cowboy boots only someone like her could pull off. Her brother trailed behind her, hands in his jeans pocket.
“Wait!” Amie waved, bracelets sliding to her elbow. “Johanna, I have to talk to you.”
There was no missing the panic in her voice, which launched an echoing wave of panic in Johanna. “Is something wrong with Mariah?” She slid from her horse, her own boots a dusty, scarred contrast to Amie’s shiny black leather.
Amie shook her head, her long hair in two loose braids swishing. “No, she’s fine. We just got a surprise visitor. The king—Enrique Medina—is in the lodge. He wants to save us the trouble of delivering Ruby so he’s coming here.” She clapped her hands, bracelets jingling. “Thank God we had the presidential suite available because every other room is booked. But he’s here and he wants to meet Ruby, and Gran couldn’t find you or Stone, and you didn’t have your cell phones.”
Alex put a hand on top of his sister’s head. “Amie. Chill. Johanna’s got it now. Right, Jo?”
Johanna looked back and forth between them and it didn’t appear they were joking. “The king that wants Ruby is here now?”
Amie nodded quickly. “We can’t keep him waiting any longer.”
Johanna looked down at the stained jeans and sweaty white tank top. But he wanted his dog now. “Give me five minutes to throw on a dress and pull back my hair. I’ll be right there.”
She could do this. For Mariah, for Ruby, and yes, even for herself. She could pull this off. What a time to realize Stone had helped her unearth a confidence in herself she hadn’t known existed.
* * *
By the time Stone finished riding alone for an hour, then brushing down Copper and returning him to the stable, he still had no clue what—if anything—he could say to Johanna to ease the pain he’d seen in her eyes. Pain he’d put there. He loved her and yet he’d still fallen short.
Music echoed from the barn on the other side of the stable yard, and from the sound of things, it was a wedding celebration in full swing. As if he didn’t already feel lower than dirt. Had fate scheduled a wedding for tonight with the specific purpose of torturing him? Seeing the happy bride and groom stabbed at him with all he should have given Johanna. She wanted a family. She deserved to have the family she dreamed of. She had such a loving, nurturing heart. Would she leave here altogether?
She loved the ranch as much as he did.
He hadn’t thought about that before. She’d been tied to the land in one way or another for most of her life. Just because he held the deed to a piece of property didn’t negate all the heart she’d poured into Hidden Gem.
The only thing that kept his feet moving right now was the need to check on his grandmother.
He darted from the stable to the main lodge, boots sending dust puffing with each heavy step. And damn it, he’d left his suitcase at Johanna’s. But he wasn’t willing to push his luck with her tonight. He needed to get his head together first and come up with a plan to ease her heart even if that meant he couldn’t have her back. He wanted her happiness above everything.
Except plans were in short supply as he climbed the steps to the massive log cabin–style lodge that had been his home his whole life. He should have taken a side entrance but his feet were on autopilot. Staff cleared away the wedding decorations on the lanai.
Pushing through the large double doors into the great room, he nodded to all the staff but didn’t pause long enough to give anyone a chance to speak. He vaguely registered there was a frenetic buzz to the place that didn’t seem connected to the wedding celebration since that was all taking place outside. Yet nothing appeared out of the norm. Wealthy socialites curled up on the leather sofas with cocktails. Older couples played poker in a far corner by the massive granite fireplace. He could hear laughter from the hot tub outside. Alex’s business ran smooth as silk.
Only a few more steps and he would be clear of people, period, and into the private wing. He could shut himself in his suite with...nothing. He had nothing left and had no one to blame but himself.
A door opened ahead of him and his gut clenched at the thought of another confrontation with his mother. Instead, his grandmother stepped out on her own two feet, with a cane, but walking. She even wore clothes instead of a robe, a simple dress but complete with a Diamonds in the Rough signature piece around her neck. Amie hovered beside her, as if his willowy featherweight cousin could catch their grandmother.
Stone charged ahead. “Gran, what are you doing out of bed? You should be resting.”
She waved him back. “I’m fine. The doctor released me as long as I use the cane.”
Amie interrupted, “A walker. But she would only agree to the cane since it’s one of our designs.”
Stone felt like his head was about to explode. “Let me walk you back to your room. We’ll talk over tea or something while you rest.”
His grandmother patted his hand. “Stone, the king is here. In the presidential suite.”
“Run that by me again?”
“Stone, we need to get moving,” Amie said. “Enrique Medina decided he would come to us for his dog to save you the trouble. Johanna is doing the meet and greet now because we couldn’t find you and you weren’t answering your damn phone.” She swatted him on the arm. “Now let’s get moving to help her.”
He glanced at Alex. “Do you have Gran?”
His cousin nodded.
“Thanks.” Stone sprinted down the hall. Johanna had freaked out over meeting the Landis-Renshaw family. This was going to be way outside her comfort zone. While he knew she was amazing and would handle the meeting smoothly, he hated that she would feel nervous or uneasy, especially after the emotional hell they’d both been through today.
He passed by familiar framed landscapes mixed with photos, images of famous people who’d stayed at the lodge or worn Hidden Gem pieces. Finally—thank God—finally, he made it to the presidential suite. The door was cracked open enough for him to see Johanna sitting next to an older gentleman in a suit with an ascot. Johanna held Pearl, and Ruby slept at the king’s feet. If Stone hadn’t known the man was deposed royalty, he would have thought she was talking to any prospective pet owner.
Johanna had changed from her jeans into a simple white dress and matching white leather boots, her hair in a side ponytail, trailing a wavy blond cascade over her shoulder. She was pure Texas but with a designer elegance and poise, smiling and nodding at something the king was saying.
Stone realized he wasn’t needed here. Johanna had it totally under control. Not a single nerve showed through. She wasn’t even fidgeting with the diamond horseshoe that dangled on the silver chain around her neck. Something had happened to her this week. She didn’t need him for confidence or help, and God, she was magnificent.
She glanced at the door as if sensing he was there. Her eyes lost their sparkle but she kept her composure. “Come on in, Stone, and hear the good news from our honored guest.”
Stone forced a smile onto his face and stepped into the presidential suite. “Sir, we’re honored that you would come visit us at Hidden Gem.”
The deposed king had a reputation for being a bit of a hermit who lived in an island fortress off the coast of Florida. “I am so sorry to hear Mariah is having health concerns. It is a joy to have one of her dogs and my honor to make things easier for her by coming to her directly.”
“Thank you,” Stone answered, his head spinning from this day, blindsiding him nonstop. “It appears Ruby has found a great new companion.”
Johanna stroked Pearl, still perched in her lap. “He also shared more good news. General and Mrs. Renshaw have decided they want Pearl after all. The three dogs
will get to see each other at family reunions. Isn’t that wonderful?”
A roaring started in Stone’s head, growing louder by the second. Thoughts of his fight with Johanna, his grandmother’s illness, his mother’s arrival—his whole world was falling apart and there was nothing he could do about it. His eyes landed on Pearl and he knew. His grandmother needed to have this pup with her. Mariah, who’d given so much of herself to others, needed her favorite dog and needed someone to stand up, to make the decision to put her needs first. He would adopt Pearl so his grandmother could keep her near.
Even if it cost him the position as CEO of Diamonds in the Rough, he loved the little mutt and he wasn’t giving her up.
“I’m sorry, sir.” He strode into the room, boots thudding against the thick rug patterned with a yellow rose of Texas theme. He swiped Pearl from Johanna’s lap before she could stop him. He cradled Pearl in one arm. “She’s staying with me after all.”
Standing, Johanna gasped. “But your grandmother’s requirements...”
“I’ll talk to my grandmother. She needs Pearl now more than anyone. I’ll take care of Pearl during Mariah’s treatments—and afterward.” That last part stuck in his throat but he didn’t doubt his decision. After seeing Johanna through different eyes this week, he’d learned the meaning of real love. His arms wrapped tighter around the dog. He nodded to their guest. “Thank you again for helping us rehome Ruby. Let us know if there’s anything you need to make your stay more comfortable.”
And manners be damned, the whole company be damned, Stone left with his dog, a dog that carried the scent of bluebonnets from Johanna.
* * *
As she listened to Mariah make small talk with the deposed King, Johanna’s heart was in her throat.
At least Mariah and the twins had joined them so she didn’t have to carry the conversation on her own, but it was the most torturous hour of her life. Not because she was intimidated by royalty—the man was truly approachable and, truth be told, she felt more confident now. But wondering about Stone was tearing her apart.
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