“You ready to lose, Tucker?” Cass called.
“Ready if you are,” I said. I clicked the scorecard on the computer console. “You’re first.”
Cass turned toward the screen. Grabbing her ball, she stepped into position. The screen flickered to life and her name popped up. She squealed. “Mr. Hyde?”
I raised an eyebrow. “And Dr. Jekyll.”
“Those are horrible nicknames.”
“We are a horrible man,” I said. Cass shook her head. She hated that book. It was the great rampage of sophomore year.
I watched Cass as she put her feet on the little dots. One, two, three, and she let go of the ball; it rolled straight down the middle and knocked down eight pins. She smiled back at me. “It’s a good start, Doctor.”
I laugh. “This is only the beginning, Mr. Hyde.”
21.
Cassie
Graham won. We were in the car laughing about the night, “River” by Joni Mitchell (my pick) playing in the background around us. I had fun, and I’d forgotten how much fun Graham could be; he always knew how to make me smile. Somehow all of that got lost in my head. I didn’t want the night to end, but he pulled up in the spot between our houses.
We sat in his truck, neither of us moving at first. I didn’t know why he was frozen, but I knew why I was. This had been a great night, and now what? How did we go back to pretending? Or had we been pretending all night? No, we hadn’t. I hadn’t. That was too natural to be fake. I didn’t like fake us; I liked the real thing.
I unbuckled my seatbelt. Someone should move, and even though I didn’t want to, it had to be me. He’d made himself very clear, and I wondered if that had changed now. But I couldn’t ask; it wasn’t fair.
“I had fun,” I offered.
Graham’s smile faded when he looked at me. I wondered what he was thinking. He had to be thinking something. Had I upset him again somehow?
“Thank you,” I said.
He cleared his throat. “Of course. Let me walk you home.”
It was an old joke between us, since my home was maybe thirty feet from his. He used to come around and open my door. We’d held hands and lingered outside the truck, lingered on the sidewalk, lingered on the porch. We’d always lingered, always tried to hold on for another hour, or minute, or heartbeat.
He didn’t open my door today. He waited outside the truck for me, and we walked in silence toward my house. There wasn’t much room between us, and if I moved a little closer we’d be touching, but I didn’t. It was torture, actually, because despite my senses my hands wanted to be in his. I didn’t know where to put my hands or how to handle his silence or block out the memories.
Would walking so close to him and not touching him ever feel normal? Laughing all night and not kissing him? What was I going to do about my feelings for him? I couldn’t ruin this new life of his by trying to force myself into it. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing I was responsible for his heartbreak again. I had to get it together.
“I’m glad we did this,” he said. I looked up at him. It was painful because I could see that he meant it. And because I was glad too, even though I hated myself for wanting it. “I like being your friend. It’s where we started.”
Next to me // next to you // I want to be next to you // hold my hand // linger there // you and me are everywhere
I nodded. “I like it too, Graham.”
We climbed the five steps to my front porch. “Well—” I start.
“On Friday a bunch of the old gang is having dinner—Lila, Eric, McCoy—because Hannah’s in town for the weekend. You should come.”
In my pocket, “It Ain’t Me Babe”—Johnny and June Carter Cash version—started playing. I didn’t even remember turning on the ringer. It was June, that was her ringtone. I ignored it.
“They won’t mind if I come?” I asked. Aside from one email from Lila, I hadn’t heard from any of them since I left. That email wasn’t on the best of terms—she sent it right after Graham came to school, and I rejected him. I knew I’d lost them all in the break-up, and I hadn’t blamed them.
Graham shook his head. “No, it will be nice. Low key. We’re going to dinner at Lou’s.”
“Okay,” I said.
He smiled. “Friday.”
“Friday,” I said. With a nod, Graham crossed the yard and when he was gone, I exhaled and went inside.
MOM WAS RUNNING late the next day, so I had to park the car instead of waiting in the pick-up zone. Since I parked the car, I had to go upstairs to get her from Dr. Lambert’s office so I could get my parking validated. Small town doctor offices shouldn’t have validated parking.
Dr. Lambert was standing in the lobby of her office with Mom. “Cassie, so good to see you,” she said.
“You, too Dr. Lambert.” I held out the ticket. “Could you?”
With a smile, she took it from my hand and passed it on to her receptionist. “I’ve been trying to get you in for a session for a month now, Cassie. When can you come? You’re still interested in me helping your mother, yes?”
I should’ve known this was a set up. Mom never made me wait. “Sure.”
“Let’s say Monday?”
I nodded, and Dr. Lambert handed me the ticket. “Great. I’ll see you at ten.”
I looked over at Mom, but she shrugged. “Ten it is.”
On the way to the car, Mom asked me about last night. “You didn’t say anything this morning.”
“It was good.”
“Good?”
I nodded. I didn’t know what else to call it. We went. We’d had fun. We hadn’t fought. It had almost been normal.
Almost normal // you and me // that’s the most we’ll ever be // some sort of friends // you and me // that’s the way the story ends
Mom tapped the roof of the car while I dug out the keys. “Good isn’t the answer I expected.”
“What did you expect?”
Mom’s forehead scrunched with lines. Sometimes, I forgot that she was getting older. In my head she would always be the carefree, young, enthusiastic Mom who taught me about music. I wasn’t even sure anymore which pieces of that person were real and which ones were the disease. “Cassie, when you were teenagers, the two of you couldn’t even be in a room together without making me feel like I was intruding. Anyone could look at you and know you were in love. That was real, too, more real than anything I’ve had, and you’re telling me that you spent a night out with Graham and it was just ‘good’?”
I shook my head and unlocked the car door. “He has a girlfriend, Mom. What else is it supposed to be?”
“You came back here for him.”
I scoffed. “I came back because you needed me.” I yanked the door open. I hated that she knew the part of me that I didn’t like to admit out loud.
“I know you, Cassie. You’re still in love with him. Why did you even leave?”
I slammed my car door shut and turned the key. “I don’t want to talk about this with you. Graham doesn’t want me. Last night was fun, two long-time friends going bowling. It was hardly a date or anything romantic. He doesn’t feel that way. So can we stop now? Please?”
She raised her hands in defeat and I backed out of the parking lot.
22.
Graham
“HEY BABE,” I said, answering Molly’s call.
“You aren’t at dinner yet, are you?”
“About to walk in,” I said. I scanned the parking lot at Clyde’s for Cass. She was meeting me here and even though I said it was okay, I’d had two days to think about it and our friends didn’t know Cass was coming. I hoped that wasn’t a stupid decision.
“I’ll be quick. Aunt Kat wants you to come to brunch tomorrow at noon. Can you do it?”
Cass waved at me from the car as she pulled in. My heart raced at the sight of her. This was fire, I knew that, but we could be friends. We were mature.
“I can do that,” I said.
“Great,” Molly said. Cass’s
car door closed, and she walked toward me. It seemed like nothing had changed in that moment. She was walking toward me like she’d never walked away from me. Back when we were hopeful and naïve and in love. Had that only been a year ago? It felt like yesterday and a lifetime.
“Awesome. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” I said. I ended the call before she could respond. I’d probably hear about that later.
“Hey,” Cass said.
She looked nice. Cass had on this jean jacket over her green dress that brought out the green in her eyes. Her hair was flat and straight, and it was getting longer, so it was easy to imagine it the way it used to be. The way I used to run my hands through it when I kissed her, or wipe it out of her face so I could see her better when she was under me.
“You okay?” she asked.
Play it cool. I shrugged. “Just hungry,” I said. I opened the door and followed her in, letting my hand slide to her lower back. She glanced back at me, but didn’t say anything.
Inside, Clyde’s wasn’t that busy yet. It didn’t really get crazy until later when Lou came on the clock. I heard McCoy before I saw any of them. He had one of those voices that carried in the crowd. It was probably from all his years as football quarterback. Cass pressed in next to me, and I could tell she was nervous. I really hadn’t thought this through.
McCoy saw me first, and my name echoed through the bar. “Tucker!”
I wasn’t sure how he became part of our group. I didn’t really like the guy—never had. Especially with the way he’d always looked at Cass back before we were together. After we started dating, McCoy hooked up with Lila. A lot. So, he always stayed around. McCoy, Hannah and I graduated, the rest of the group stayed in school. McCoy went to Georgia to play ball; Hannah went to Ithaca; I stayed here for Cass. That was all there was, really.
I shook McCoy’s hand. Hannah and Eric smiled, like they were happy to see me. Lila bounced into my arms for a hug. Everyone sort of froze after that, and they all zeroed in on Cassie. Cass, who stood awkwardly behind me and bit the side of her cheek. Say something, Tucker.
“Harlen?” McCoy asked.
“Hey, Jonas.”
Everyone was a statue, all eyes on her. Lila looked from Cass to me, and I knew what she wondered. I shook my head very slightly, and Lila turned away. Great start.
“Damn, you look good,” McCoy said.
Everyone laughed after that, but my stomach never settled. The tension was broken, even if it was only for now. We all sat at the table, and I told myself this was good. Cass was here. If she could patch it up with me, then she could reconnect with her old friends. She could get whatever closure she needed, and we could all move on.
“What are you doing this summer?” Lila asked Hannah.
Hannah flipped her hair and smiled. “Puerto Rico! I leave next week. You?”
“Mom wants us to go visit Grandma so I’m sure I’ll be stuck in Florida most of the summer watching old people in the retirement home try to skinny dip,” Lila said.
Eric would stay at school for the second half of the summer and take more classes. And he seemed excited, but he always loved school.
I stole sideways glances at Cass while McCoy talked about his plans of football and girls. Something inside me was glowing when she met my gaze. I was fucking crazy. I knew that much, but watching her try made me feel like trying. What I was trying to do though was another question.
Hannah cleared her throat and shook her head. Lila perked up in her seat as she said Cassie’s name. “Why are you home? Are you here all summer?” she asked.
Cass bit the side of her jaw. None of them ever knew about her mom. She’d kept that secret closely guarded. “I’m here for my mom. I don’t really have a plan yet beyond this.”
“You mean for the summer?” Eric asked.
Cass shrugged. “I mean, in general.”
“You aren’t going back to school?” Lila asked.
She twirled the straw in her drink. Her eyes locked on mine. Cass was nervous, I could see it, but she was trying to keep it together. “I don’t know yet. It depends.”
“On what? I thought you loved school. It was the whole reason you left us all without a word and then disappeared.” Cass looked at Lila and I kicked Lila under the table.
She kicked me back. “No offense or anything, but I’m confused about why you wouldn’t go back to a place that you obviously adored. There’s nothing for you here anymore.”
Cass didn’t respond, but I could see on her face that she was upset. I wished I didn’t know how to read her, that I didn’t know what Lila was doing—or why. Lila looked at me with her eyebrow raised.
“Have you heard back from Rice yet?” McCoy asked me. I may not have liked him, but he’d saved me from saying something to Lila I didn’t mean.
“Yeah, what’s going on with that? When are you escaping the clutches of this place?” Hannah asked.
The four of them reverted focus to me, and waited for a response. “I haven’t heard yet, but school starts in August.”
“You’ll hear from them and then you’ll never have to think about all the trash you left behind,” Lila said, sending me the biggest smile in the world.
They changed the subject after that. Started talking about football and whether the Cowboys would beat the Panthers again. Throughout dinner Hannah kept shooting me knife eyes. She didn’t approve. Not that there was anything to approve.
“Excuse me,” Cassie said suddenly. She threw her napkin down on her plate and headed toward the restroom. I watched her, trying to figure out if she was okay, but she was too quick. This night was not going as planned.
Lila smacked me on the arm.
“What the hell are you doing?” she asked.
I took a drink. Everyone at the table was staring at me. “What?” I asked. But I knew what.
“How could you bring her here?” Lila asked.
“Are you screwing her again?” McCoy asked.
“What happened to Molly?” Hannah asked.
“I think he’s lost his mind,” Eric said.
The questions came fast, and I stared at all my friends. “It’s not like that. She’s just Cassie.”
“Exactly! Do y’all remember what happened to Graham after Cassie chose school over him? Because I do,” Lila said. “I believe it was something like drink, break a fence, not shower, wreck a car, drink some more, burn things, tear down a fence, sleep.” She counted it all on her fingers.
“You forgot mope,” Eric added.
“And swear hatred of her forever,” Hannah added.
I crossed my arms. “Nothing’s going on with us. She’s here because of her mom—that’s all.”
“That’s never all. Not with you and not with her,” Lila said.
“I’m with Molly,” I said. I had to convince them that nothing was happening between us. If they didn’t believe me, no one would. It was nothing. Nothing.
“I saw how you looked at her. That’s not the face of a man with another girl,” McCoy said. He didn’t have room to talk, anyway. He’d never kept a girl longer than a week.
“She’s my friend,” I said.
“But you have feelings for her,” Eric said.
“No.” I slumped into the booth. This rapid fire was exhausting.
“You’re letting her in again. She’s going to ruin everything,” Lila said.
“She broke your heart,” Hannah said.
Hannah said it like she was there when I woke up without Cassie. No one would ever understand that feeling. I’d thought something had happened, and I’d waited for a few hours, but I knew something was wrong. I felt it. Then her mom told me she’d left to go to school in Indiana, and my future crashed and burned.
I looked at Lila. “I know that. Trust me, I remember it.”
“Are you really stupid enough to let her do that again?” Lila asked.
“She’s not going to break my heart, Lila.”
Lila shook her head. “You’re an idiot.”
/>
“Can we change the subject?” I asked.
“Sure,” Hannah said, leaning in. “Y’all remember that time when Graham went all the way to Indiana to find the girl who left him in the middle of the night, only to come back with a lame-ass story and a ring he couldn’t return so he sold it for half the price on Craigslist?”
I ran a hand down my neck. I hated this. I wasn’t doing anything wrong—but they were right. All of that had happened. I’d driven all the way to Butler to watch her take off my ring. It was one of those dramatic slow-mo moments in those movies. I’d used to think those were stupid, but that’s how I’d seen it. That’s how it felt. It was happening and I had no control over it. I couldn’t pause. I couldn’t skip ahead. I’d told her then that if I left I wouldn’t go back there. I wouldn’t wait for her. If I left, it was for good, and I’d meant it. And she gave me back the ring, so I’d left.
“I remember,” Eric said. “It took him months to get it together. I’d hate to see that happen again.”
McCoy cleared his throat, but Lila spoke again before he could. “How can you forgive her for that? What she did was horrible.”
“Open your eyes before she does it again,” Hannah said.
McCoy cleared his throat louder. We all looked up this time, and Cassie was standing at the end of the table. She’d heard us.
“I have to go,” she said. How much had she heard? “It was good to see y’all.”
Before anyone could respond, she grabbed her purse from the seat next to McCoy and bolted out the door. I watched her go, and my immediate thought was that I should go after her. I should make sure she was okay.
“Don’t do it,” Eric said. “This time, don’t do it.”
He meant don’t go after her this time. Don’t follow her.
“You don’t owe her anything. Do you even know why she left?” Lila asked.
“No,” I said. I drummed my fingers on the table. Everyone was in agreement and I was a dumbass. They were right. I wasn’t thinking.
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