Most of the people in my apartment block seemed a lot older than me anyway, when I studied them whilst sharing the elevator, or seeing them come and go from the building as I looked down from the balcony. No-one else my age.
I wondered where the other guys on my team lived. I knew a few of them still lived with their parents. One of the girls was from an incredibly rich family. I supposed I was too, but I didn't have them to go back to each night.
As I made my pasta dishes for one, alone in my kitchen, I realized I still felt lonely.
It was bound to take time to meet people, I told myself.
I watched late night television a lot. A brand new, epic TV was one of the first things I bought when I got paid, with plenty left to buy a couple of suits. I got cable too and I could watch whatever I wanted on it.
After a little while of never having to share the remote control the novelty did wear off. My attention drifted. I would channel surf, flicking through the programs, only watching each one for a few seconds.
Once when I was doing that I saw something I recognized, and stayed on that channel. It was an old film, showing a young woman with long red hair fretting over war with the English.
It was that stupid film Mr. Thompson had made us watch in History class.
I watched what was left of the film. It made me think of being in class, of Mr. Thompson telling Jason to pay attention. The last time I'd watched this film Jason had been sitting no more than a few feet away from me.
My shoulders felt heavy, and that familiar dull ache in my chest returned. I knew I was lonely, I missed my home but most of all I desperately missed him.
When the film finished I walked quietly to my room. I found the bag where I had kept the cassette tapes Jason had left at my house and looked through them. I couldn't bring myself to take them out before but suddenly I felt like I had to be connected to something of his. I had nothing else, no picture, no letters, nothing.
I unplugged the small radio I'd also bought and carried it in from the kitchen. It had a tape player in it, and as I sat on the floor and re-connected it to the socket in my bedroom, my fingers shook. I picked out my favorite tape, it was the band he'd played the most when we'd been in his room or mine, and he had many different copies. This was a greatest hits by the looks of it, but the songs were familiar to me.
I sat curled up against the wall, allowing my memory to drift with the music. I couldn't listen to these songs without remembering everything we'd done together, remembering how soft his skin had felt, or the smooth texture of that long hair as I trailed my fingers through it.
Since I'd been sent away, over a year now, I had never cried. I came close a few times but I always held it back. Now, with the surprise of seeing that film and listening to the music we'd listened to, water just spilled out of my eyes. I didn't bother to stop it, no-one else was here.
It didn't matter.
I let the tears fall, then almost laughed at myself for sitting here on my own, crying to Depeche Mode. Maybe next I could dye my hair black and start smoking pot. I stopped the tape and packed them all away again.
That had done no good at all. I wiped at my eyes but they were still streaming. I got in the shower and pretended it was only the water from the shower-head on my face.
The next morning I woke up with a strange feeling. I went to work as normal, we started off with our meeting but I was distant. As soon as I was alone in my office I picked up my phone from the desk. I dialed the state code for Texas then the town code for Ellwood with shaking hands.
Finally I tapped in the number I knew off by heart. It was late morning, and I hoped I wouldn't be disturbing anyone. I just couldn't wait any longer.
It rang four times.
My heart had started to sink, but then suddenly flew up into my throat as the line clicked and a woman said, ‘Hello?’
‘Er, hi,’ I said, realizing it had to be Jason's aunt. ‘I'm sorry to bother you but can I speak to Jason please?’
Silence.
My heart thudded in my chest.
‘Who is this?’ she asked in clipped tones.
‘I'm er, a friend from school. I just wanted to say-’
‘Well, he doesn't live here anymore.’
‘Oh.’
I could feel an enormous weight pull on my stomach but managed to speak through it.
‘Do you know where I could reach him?’
‘I have no idea,’ she said impatiently, then hung up.
The dial tone hummed in my ear.
He's gone, I thought dumbly. I was too late. I remembered now he'd said his aunt would kick him out once he was eighteen. That would have been last November.
My mind was a whir of thoughts; I should have called sooner, I'd never find him now.
I sat at my desk, staring ahead at the wall. I stayed like that for a long time, until Tara came in and disturbed my train of thought.
‘Coffee, Mike?’ she asked with a smile.
It was eleven O' clock. Tara always made coffee at this hour. I nodded at her and tried to speak. ‘Yeah, sure.’
My voice sounded hoarse.
‘Are you OK?’ she asked, concerned.
‘Er, yeah,’ I forced myself to put up a front, like the bottom of my world hadn't just fallen out all over again.
‘Just feel a little tired.’
‘Well, don't work too hard,’ she disappeared with a smile.
That wouldn't be an issue today, I thought. Not the way I felt.
I couldn't believe it. Why had I been so stupid? I should have called earlier, at least to know where he was going. He could have moved to another state by now. Sometimes he would talk about moving to Los Angeles or San Francisco. He used to say if he moved he would change his name too. I'd never find him.
I sulked all day. I felt more miserable than I'd ever been. It was as if all this time I had been too shell-shocked to do anything to contact Jason until right now, when I finally realized that I could, that I wouldn't get in trouble. Nothing was in my way!
Except the glaring reality that he wasn't there anymore; just gone.
I really was alone.
Aaron came by as the day was winding down; ready to go to the gym. He could tell I wasn't my usual self. I mean, I was quiet most of the time, but even I knew I must have looked down.
He asked me what was up, and I don't know why but I told him. I had to speak to somebody or I'd go insane.
I didn't go into too much detail, and I never mentioned Jason's name. I said to Aaron that before I'd left home I'd been seeing someone, and now they'd moved away and I knew I would never see them again.
‘Oh man,’ Aaron dropped his gym bag and perched on my desk. ‘Was it serious?’
I twirled one of the pens around on my desk absently.
‘Well...it was hard to tell. We never talked about anything. All I know is I've never missed anyone so much.’
‘Can't you track her down?’
I smiled wanly. ‘I just tried. Er, she's moved away. I knew she was going to anyway but I guess I was too late.’
‘Ah, that sucks.’ Aaron concluded. We sat in silence for a moment before he jumped up. ‘Come on, man,’ he said with a new energy. ‘Forget the gym, I'm taking you out for a drink!’
‘But it's Wednesday?’ I stated.
‘So what? We can take it! Come on!’
He managed to convince me to go out to a bar with him. I was glad I did, grateful for his friendship. Aaron listened to me and my regrets, it felt good to finally tell someone how I felt. I'd kept it bottled up for so long. Aaron didn't let me wallow though, which was probably a good thing.
In his cheerful way, he said something that really made sense.
‘Guess you'll have to take it as a sign that it wasn't meant to be.’
I blinked in surprise. A sign. So this was meant to happen after all?
It did make sense. Especially if I ever wanted my family to accept me again.
Had I completely misread all the si
gns so far?
A worm of cynicism told me that maybe attending Church with the Lewis's so often had actually warped my mind. But I ignored it and listened avidly to Aaron as he told me I had a new life now, and had to look forward.
‘You're right,’ I agreed.
And I found if I told myself that every day, I felt a little bit better.
I threw myself into work with a new vigor. I was going to concentrate, do well and make Blake and my family proud of me.
All I did was work. I started to take it home with me instead of watching late night TV. Work and gym, work and running. Apart from the occasional drink with Aaron and Richard, that was all I did now.
I felt a real need to occupy my mind, keep myself busy. I even had a couple of ideas for the department to try out, which went pretty well. Ray told me he was pleased with how I was handling things. So I kept going.
When September came, I hadn't made any new friends. I didn't want a fuss on my birthday but Aaron must have found out and they organized an office party at the end of the day. I had to admit it was a nice surprise at first, but something of a chore having to work the room and make small talk with people I didn't really know. I tried to stick with Aaron. At least he made me laugh.
They'd all put money in to buy me a birthday present; a tall, weird spiky plant for my office. I was touched, it was pretty neat. However by thanking everyone I took them out for drinks at the end of the week, so I probably ended up spending more money on them.
Not that I had much else to spend money on.
I had a lot of money sitting in my bank account, now I was getting paid so much. I figured I might as well spend it. I followed Blake's advice and bought suits. I also bought a CD player, mostly because I was interested in how it worked rather than wanting to play any CDs. Then I bought some modern art paintings to hang in my apartment. They were colorful and bright, kinda like the pictures you would paint at pre-school. I liked the innocent abandon of them.
I bought some weird plants too. They didn't last long. At work Tara watered my plants but at home I kept forgetting.
The winter holidays arrived quickly. Christmas in New York was dazzling, a complete fairy tale of lights decorating the streets and shop window displays. I bought a lot of gifts as incentives for my team and for Blake and his family. I bought toys for Courtney, perfume for my Mom. I had no idea what to get my Dad. I still felt sad that I hadn't been invited back yet, not even for a visit.
Alicia came out to stay with me for a week. She hadn't managed to get out here for Thanks-giving after all but instead had promised me a Christmas visit. I was so pleased to see her. I took her Christmas shopping, happy to have someone to spend my money on. We went round all the boutiques she wanted to see. I bought her new clothes and presents for her friends.
She loved New York. I was relieved. She asked if she could spend Spring break here with me next year. Of course I said yes. We bought things to decorate the spare bedroom in my apartment.
‘This can be your room,’ I told her. She was ecstatic.
As we unpacked all the things we'd purchased and put them up in her room, I felt relaxed for the first time in ages. I felt like I had a connection again, a family. I wished she could stay longer, but she had to go home for the family Christmas meal.
‘Do you think Dad's still mad at me?’ I asked her one evening.
‘Well...’ She looked down, obviously trying to decide what to tell me. ‘You know Dad, he doesn't talk much...’
‘But?’ I guessed there was more.
She sighed. ‘He did say that as soon as you had a girlfriend, he would talk to you.’
‘Really?’ I said in surprise. ‘Oh. Right.’
‘Yeah,’ Alicia said. ‘So...have you met anyone nice?’
From the way she looked into my eyes hopefully I could tell she was desperate for me to get a girlfriend so the rift with our father could heal.
I looked down, embarrassed. ‘Er, well, it's kinda hard to meet people here.’
‘Mike,’ she said, firmly. ‘You gotta try harder.’
I nodded. ‘OK,’ I agreed.
So all I needed was a girlfriend, apparently.
I was a little suspicious of that, but I was willing to do whatever it took to put my family back together. Alicia was obviously upset by it all.
At work I studied the two women in my team, their hard expressions and sharp, angular business suits in bright colors. They definitely weren't my type. Even Tara my secretary wasn't single, she was engaged to be married.
Probably better it wasn't someone at work anyway, I thought.
Where did that leave? The gym, or the bars and clubs that Aaron took me too. Very rarely did I go to clubs, and only if Aaron really wanted to go. Girls would come up to talk to me. I was alright talking to girls, if a little nervous. I hadn't even been on a date with anyone since my Dad had caught me with Jason. I was actually worried I wouldn't be able to get it up again, I still had nightmares about him walking in on me. I didn't think I would ever forget that.
I told Aaron I needed to find a date and he was more than happy to help me look. I resigned myself to finding a nice girl, and going on a date.
Maybe she would just let me have my picture taken with her so I could send it back to my Dad. I'd bought a camera a while back. When I went out for walks I took pictures of New York to post back to Alicia. When she'd come to stay at Christmas we took pictures of each other. I had a great one of us in a fancy restaurant I'd taken her to. I'd sent a copy to her, and put a framed one on my night stand at home, so it was the first thing I saw when I woke up each day.
I was surprised she didn't have a steady boyfriend, she was a pretty girl. She seemed more interested in her studies though, which I was pleased about.
In January, I had my first date with a girl in New York. Aaron had pushed me over to talk to this girl at a bar. I was terrified. The problem was the bars we went to were full of other business workers, all very sharp and to the point. If you thought the men in New York were determined, you hadn't seen the ladies. They all wore perfect dress suits, high heels, huge hair sprayed into bouffant styles and mountains of perfume. If I was around more than one woman at a time I would start sneezing from it all. I found them a little intimidating to say the least.
My first date didn't go too well. We didn't take it further than that meal. I had a couple more but these business women seemed to have a hidden agenda, or were always in a rush. They definitely weren't my type.
Aaron took me to clubs instead, where we could mix with other types of girls. It was hard to talk in clubs, especially for someone like me who hated talking too much.
I kept looking though. I had joined the army of New York singles looking for a date.
Alicia came up to stay with me at Spring break. I'd kept her room just as it was, and bought her more things like her own set of pale pink towels, her own bathrobe.
I asked if she wouldn't rather go out partying with her classmates while I was at work. She smiled and said she had some sight-seeing planned.
‘OK,’ I shrugged. I insisted on giving her money so she could get cabs.
She said she had planned her routes pretty well, and was going from one end of the city to the other.
In the evenings she cooked me dinner, which was a welcome change from my own pathetic attempts. On my days off instead of running by myself we went to an art exhibition Alicia had wanted to see. It was more modern work; I liked it.
‘Dad would hate this stuff,’ Alicia commented.
I smiled. ‘Yeah, I guess.’
‘Any luck finding a girlfriend?’
‘I'm trying,’ I shrugged. ‘If you can find me one quicker that'd be great.’
‘What about singles ads?’ she suggested.
The thought of those filled me with dread but I agreed to look through them. I never contacted anyone though. I preferred to meet people face to face.
I met a girl with long red hair. It was a slightly lighter shade th
an Jason's had been, but incredibly similar. We went on a date but I found I kept staring at her hair and comparing it to his.
That was no good, so I didn't see her again.
I had no idea dating was so difficult. In High School I'd simply coasted through, seeing a couple of girls like the other guys did but not really anything special.
Well, not with them anyway. I still missed Jason. I couldn't help it.
Strange things kept reminding me of him, hearing a song on the radio, or watching the way someone held their cigarette. Thoughts drifted into my mind but after a second I would push them back out and concentrate on something else.
Alicia called me at work one day, saying she had changed her college choice.
‘Oh right, where you gonna go then?’ I asked.
‘Berkeley College, New York. I'm coming to New York!’
I was stunned. ‘Huh?’
‘I just got my acceptance letter,’ I could hear her smiling. ‘I applied 'cause I wanted to be with you.’
‘Oh,’ I said, still stunned but over the moon. ‘Great! So...what next?’
‘Well as soon as I graduate I'll come up to New York. Not long now!’
I was real happy. Turned out that's what she had come to do on her Spring break, check out the colleges here. It was a relief to know I wouldn't be quite so alone any more.
Alicia graduated the summer of 1990.
She'd come top of the class, and would be starting college in the fall to study Law. I was so proud of her. She came to stay with me right after graduation. When she started college she'd move into it's dorm for the first year, but she wanted the summer vacation to get to know New York.
And do more shopping, judging by all the bags she kept bringing home.
I was more than happy to give her money. She took over the grocery shopping for me. I took her in to see Maria and Tony, who said she was beautiful. Alicia enjoyed the fuss.
That summer was the first time I'd felt anything close to normal again. I'd been living on my own for over a year, and it wasn't ideal for me. That's why I was so absorbed by my work.
The Price of Falling Page 13