‘You're not really into her, are you?’
I turned away from Alicia and looked at the TV as I flicked the channels.
‘No,’ I said flatly.
‘You shouldn't lead her on then.’
‘I know,’ I sighed. ‘I thought having a girlfriend would make Dad talk to me.’
‘Yeah,’ she mumbled. ‘I'm sorry.’
‘Hey,’ I reached over and rubbed her shoulder, stepping into the big brother role. ‘Don't worry, it's not your fault. I'll be fine.’
She smiled up at me but I could see the tears in her eyes.
Alicia was right, I wasn't into Sylvia. But I wasn't into other girls either so I figured might as well stick with her. Maybe there was a chance Dad would still talk to me. Perhaps he needed more time to get over it.
It's been almost three years, a voice in the back of my mind said. How long did he need?
Time passed along slowly for me.
Alicia was racing away at college it seemed. She was doing so well. She had a boyfriend now. I took them out for dinner. His name was Will. He was presentable, studying the same subjects and was definitely a thinker. He wanted to talk about things like the way the economy was going, and politics. Very idealistic. Alicia's eyes were almost sparkling when she watched him talking. He talked for long periods.
I nodded and said Mm a lot, in agreement. I didn't really care what he thought of the economy, as long as he was good to her. It was nice to see that she'd found someone she liked.
In late summer Tara, my receptionist, got married.
I took Sylvia as my guest. It was pretty normal as weddings went, and as there were a few work colleagues there it was bearable. But afterwards Sylvia was holding onto me very tight in the cab back home and I felt warning bells go off.
I'd been right to panic; a few days later over dinner she brought up the subject of us getting married.
I realized I couldn't carry on with her any more. It certainly wasn't fair to her, so I had to break up with her. I think she'll always assume that the prospect of marriage scared me off, and in a way she was right.
I felt awful, I really did.
She was upset, she cried. I apologized a thousand times, but I pretty much hid. She called me a few times in the weeks afterwards. I talked to her at first as she sobbed down the phone, then I asked Tara to start screening my calls. At home I unplugged my phone. I knew it was ridiculous, but I couldn't handle it.
Obviously I couldn't go to my regular gym. I ran down there one lunch time and cancelled my membership. I told Aaron I'd have to find somewhere else to work out, as Sylvia still used that gym.
I went on the hunt for a new gym.
A change would be good anyway. I tried out a few, decided whichever one I liked best I would join. One place I went in seemed to have mostly guys there. There were some huge guys too, as well as skinny, toned guys. Most of them wore bright colored gym clothes.
When one guy winked at me I realized they were gay.
I felt embarrassed and intrigued at the same time. I didn't stop going but I hadn't joined yet.
‘So, straight or gay?’
‘Huh?’ I was surprised, not used to anyone being so blunt with me about sexuality.
‘Straight or gay?’ The man who had asked the question repeated, raised an eyebrow and smiled.
I'd seen him around the gym before and we caught each other's eye a fair bit.
‘Er...’
‘Ohh, I see,’ the other guy's smile widened to a grin. ‘Just touring, then? Or do you want to come back to mine?’
I still couldn't answer. This guy didn't hang around though.
‘Tell you what,’ he said. ‘I'm going to jump in the showers. You have a think about it, and tell me in five.’
I could feel my face flush as he walked away. I considered staying, but nerves got the better of me and I left.
On the way home and the rest of that night I felt full of nervous energy. But it wasn't unpleasant. I showered at home and thought about it more. As I rubbed the soap over my body I suddenly noticed I was getting hard. I'm gay, I realized, heart pounding. I tried to ignore it and switched the water onto a cold setting. I'd been ignoring it this long, I could ignore it a bit longer.
I needed to think about other things.
Three days later I was back in the gym. I didn't see the same guy there but another guy who was younger smiled at me. I smiled back and watched him work out. When he got off the cross trainer he rubbed his neck with a towel, watching me push weights.
‘Hey,’ he said, smiling.
They all seemed so forward. I could feel that rush of heat again.
‘Hi,’ I replied, pausing my weights.
‘You new here?’ he asked.
I nodded. I was still pretty nervous.
‘You wanna get a drink with me?’
Without thinking I simply answered, ‘Sure.’
His name was Ryan, and there was never any drink. I somehow knew there wouldn't be, and went straight back to his apartment with him. I wasn't sure what had made me say yes but when I held him next to me I realized his size and build reminded me of Jason. Same height, same slim body, though definitely more toned from gym work outs.
As we pulled our clothes off I ran my hands over his skin, loving the hardness of him. I briefly thought of Sylvia's soft curves but they soon left my mind again. Not much was in my mind as I kissed Ryan, just a lustful haze.
‘Top or bottom?’ he breathed against my mouth.
I paused, momentarily confused. ‘Huh?’
‘Do you want to be top or bottom?’ he smiled. ‘I'm easy.’
‘Oh,’ I replied, hazy and only just managing to process what he was asking. I pushed him down onto his own bed in answer.
Being with only Sylvia in the last three years and not really being that interested, I'd almost gotten used to sex being a half-hearted fumble. Being with another guy now I was surprised how much it turned me on, how crazy it made me feel. It was fast, heated and left me gasping. I couldn't lie, it was great.
It had been so simple. And afterwards, there was nothing awkward. Just a peck on the cheek, a 'see you round' and we parted. I walked up to the high street to hail a cab, paranoid that people knew what I'd done, or were looking at me differently.
When I eventually calmed down, I went home and fell asleep in front of the TV that night. I slept really well. I was even relatively happy the next day.
‘Someone got laid,’ Aaron commented at lunch time.
I almost choked on my coffee. ‘How do you know?’
But of course he assumed it was a woman. ‘Aha,’ he winked at me. ‘You've been miserable for weeks but today you practically skipped down the hall. What else is it gonna be?’
‘Hm,’ I reluctantly agreed, trying not to blush.
Anyway, I marked it up to a one-off. I just needed to get it out of my system, I reasoned.
But the next week I was back at the gym. I didn't see Ryan but left with another guy. I enjoyed it, I couldn't help it.
I'm gay, I thought. I'm actually gay. I thought it was a one-off thing in high school, and now a one-off thing here but it wasn't not. It was me.
I felt fit to burst. I had to talk to someone. I wished I could talk to Blake but I was afraid of rejection. I'd already lost my Dad, I didn't want to lose Blake over this as well. So I resolved to tell Alicia.
When she came around for dinner one night, admittedly to cook for me, I picked at my food trying to think of how to tell her.
‘What's up?’ she asked, noticing I was deep in thought.
I glanced up at her then back down at my food, too shy to look at her as I said it.
‘I'm gay.’
Silence.
When she didn't answer I dared to look up, worried she was going to hate me too.
She was still looking at me. ‘Yeah,’ she smiled, trying to reassure. ‘I kinda figured that.’
‘Oh,’ I said. Well I wished someone had told me. Would ha
ve saved me a lot of headache.
‘It doesn't change anything between us, right?’ she asked.
‘Of course not,’ I said firmly. ‘As long as you don't hate me, I don't care what anyone else thinks.’
‘Does anyone else know?’
‘Er...’ I frowned. ‘No. I don't see that they need to. Not yet anyway.’
‘OK,’ she smiled.
‘OK, then,’ I smiled back.
So I was finally coming to terms with being gay. I didn't feel so bad about it. Although sometimes I could still hear my Dad shouting about how 'wrong' it all was. It didn't feel wrong to me. He had chosen to not be involved in my life anyway. For all he knew I was seeing Sylvia and he was still ignoring me. So I ignored them. I didn't want to be miserable any more.
Alicia stood by me, that was all I needed for now. I would just see what happened. I wasn't about to join the Gay Pride parade (although I did watch it when it went through the city) but I was edging myself in slowly.
I saw Ryan again at the gym. When he smiled at me I knew he'd suggest we go back to his. I hooked up with him a couple more times. When I was last in his apartment I finally noticed that he shared it with someone else. The signs were all there; two sets of things on different night stands, different styles of clothes at opposite ends of the bedroom. Two sets of everything in the restroom. I suddenly felt a bit weird.
‘Oh yeah,’ he said easily. ‘I have a boyfriend. He's away a lot.’
‘Oh,’ I said, not sure what else to say.
‘It's fine, we have an open relationship.’
I nodded but still felt weird about it. What was an open relationship anyway? I didn't want to sneak around behind his partner's back. But I didn't particularly want to ask his partner's permission and have him know about it either.
It was definitely weird. Or maybe I was new to all this, I had no idea. I knew that I did think it was too bad, I probably could've liked Ryan. He was very attractive. But no way was I getting into this, it sounded complicated.
We did still hang out though. Ryan seemed to like me and I enjoyed his company. Everything in his world was so new to me. Like his hair, for instance. Ryan had perfectly quaffed hair with blonde highlights. It was very trendy and I found myself wanting to look like that, to fit in.
‘Where'd you get your hair done?’ I asked him one day, interested. I didn't realize how camp that sounded until I'd said it.
Ryan grinned. ‘His name is Sam Howard, and he works in that fabulous Hard Cuts. Very exclusive you know.’
‘But you got in,’ I joked.
‘Maybe they'll let you in too,’ he quipped back.
I convinced Ryan to take me along with him next time he went. I'd only ever been in a no-frills men's salon before, not an over-the-top fashionable hair-dressers. Ryan, his usual flirty self, seemed on friendly terms with the in-demand stylist Sam Howard. Sam's hair was shaved up one side and sculpted on the other, with shocks of color through it. I hoped he wouldn't do anything like that to me, I panicked as he threw a gown round my shoulders.
‘I'll just put some highlights in,’ Sam waved his tint brush at me.
‘I don't think they'll suit me,’ I pleaded. ‘I'm not a highlights kinda guy.’
‘Nonsense!’ he argued. ‘Who is your hair guru? Just trust me!’
He did the highlights. He wanted to make them dramatic but I convinced him to keep it subtle. I didn't want to get funny looks at work. Everyone liked the haircut though.
‘You look very trendy,’ Alicia commented when she saw me. ‘What's next, pierced ear?’
‘Lay off,’ I grinned.
I did like my hair though. I started to take more of an interest in clothes too. I wanted to look good for a change, not boring. I still tried to look conservative for work but the new suits I bought had little hints of flair, like vibrant silk lining. I picked out colored, patterned ties instead of dark, plain ones. It wasn't too much of a stand out, luckily thanks to the fashion a lot of guys wore pink ties or pink shirts anyway.
I started going out with Ryan and his friends. I still wasn't that comfortable being in clubs but I was getting better. I figured there was no point only going to straight bars with the guys from work, or sitting at home on my own.
And I did like Ryan. It was a shame he had a boyfriend.
I met said boyfriend when he was back in town and came out with us. I actually liked him too. I was surprised when Ryan noticed and whispered in my ear about the three of us going home together.
While the initial thought sent a nervous tingle down my spine, I had to wrestle with the idea of saying yes. I'd only just met these guys and was worried about making some sort of mistake that would turn them against me. I'd seen enough of that watching Jason and his friends blur the lines of friendship and get jealous with each other. I decided I was more desperate for friends than I was for sex, and politely declined.
They weren't too worried. Ryan seemed confident I'd change my mind. Maybe I would but for the moment I was content. I took to a pattern of going to two different gyms different nights of the week, either with Aaron or with Ryan.
On Friday nights I'd go for a drink after work with Aaron, then on Saturdays I'd go out with Ryan and his friends. With Ryan I also went shopping, even sat in little cafés and had brunch. Things I never thought in a million years I would do with other guys.
When we went out to the clubs we often met with Sam, who would run his hands through my hair saying something like, ‘It should go more like this. Are you using the products I gave you?’
‘Kind of,’ I'd reply.
Before, if another guy had touched me in public like that I'd have frozen on the spot, or run for the door. I think I was getting used to it though, maybe even liking it a little.
It was still daunting but I was starting to enjoy living in New York at last.
For my twenty-second birthday I actually had friends outside of work to do something with at the weekend. Ryan and Sam arranged it all, we went out to a trendy new bar and got real drunk.
Well, Sam usually got drunk but this time even more than normal. They even presented me with a miniature cake. Not that I was fond of sweets but I was very touched.
Alicia was in her second year of college, so she'd moved out of the dorm and into my spare room. I never brought guys back to my apartment but it didn't bother me. I liked to keep my place for only me and her.
It had been almost four years since I'd been sent away from home, and three years since I'd been in New York. I may had lost contact with my parents and my little sister but I'd have to live with that. I had just about gotten over my broken heart and was finally starting to enjoy my life.
Then everything changed.
In April 1992, I had an opportunity and I took it. I finally managed to drag Jason Reilly back into my life.
Chapter 10
On Tuesday April 12th, just after lunch Tara put a call through to me.
‘It's your Mom,’ she said.
‘Oh, right.’
I was surprised. I hadn't spoken to Mom for well over a year.
‘Put her through.’ I waited for the click then started to say hi but stopped as I heard her crying. ‘Mom, what's wrong?’
Once she managed to control her sobs, she said, ‘It's your father, they think he's had a stroke.’
My heart plummeted to my stomach. ‘When?’ I asked.
‘Just this morning. We're at the hospital. They don't know if- if-’
She broke down again.
I guessed what she was trying to tell me. They didn't know if he'd pull through.
‘We'll be on the next plane over,’ I told her. ‘Just hold on.’
I called Alicia's college immediately to get her excused. Then I called my boss Ray and explained I had to take emergency leave. I never had absences and rarely had holiday, so it wasn't a problem.
When Alicia called my office from college I told her to get a cab straight to the airport, we didn't have time to pack. We coul
d buy what we needed and I arranged to meet her there.
She was sobbing when I found her. I had to console her as we rushed to the check in. I'd already purchased some expensive tickets on a plane leaving soon. Hopefully we'd get there in time.
We spent the flight to Texas worrying. I got Alicia to tell me about her college assignments instead, trying to keep her occupied. She was real upset. I was too but more shocked. I felt sad that it was under these circumstances I was being invited home. If Alicia had been at home with them I wondered if Mom would have even bothered to call me.
As soon as we touched down we got a cab straight to Ellwood, I didn’t want to mess around with hire cars. Ellwood only had one hospital and I'd written the ward on a piece of paper.
The cab dropped us off at Ellwood Trinity and we rushed through to the ward. A nurse walked us past rows of beds and pale green curtains. I saw Mom up ahead, sitting next to a bed with Dad lying in it.
We stood over him as Alicia hugged Mom, they were both sobbing.
‘Oh, your hair looks nice,’ Mom said between sobs.
I smiled absently. I was too distracted, looking down at Dad.
He seemed asleep, but then his eyes would flicker open, and his lips looked like they were trying to move.
‘How's he doing?’ I asked.
Mom dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief. Her make-up was smudged, most of it scraped away. I'd never seen her like this before, she was always so composed.
‘Well,’ she sniffed. ‘He's stable now, but they don’t know how much...’ She had to swallow to continue talking. Alicia had her arm around her. ‘They don't know how much damage has been done, to his brain.’
‘Where's the doctor?’ Alicia asked. Her make-up was running too but luckily she didn't wear as much as Mom.
‘They'll be back in a minute to take him for more tests,’ Mom explained. ‘They said they couldn't do any more until the swelling in his head goes down.’
Mom was close to tears again.
I couldn't believe it, I was so shocked. To see the man who had put fear into me for pretty much my entire life just lying there helpless...
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