‘Now dry those eyes,’ I said, mimicking how Mom used to say it when we'd bawl over something minor like a grazed knee or a spilt ice cream cone.
She smiled at that for a moment, then pressed her lips together in an obvious attempt to stop them quivering.
‘What's up?’ I asked. ‘Whatever it is we can work it out.’
‘I have to tell you something,’ Alicia said quietly. She took the wash cloth and stepped away to hold it under the tap, then patted it on her eyes.
‘Sure,’ I shrugged.
‘I wish everything had been different,’ she said, glancing down. I noticed her hands wringing at the cloth. ‘I knew you were unhappy, I know everything's been really unfair for you. Then lately I could see you've been better but now with Dad, being back here...and what you said last night...I just-’ She heaved in a breath, trying not to sob.
I had no idea why she was so upset. Unless I'd been really depressing to live with and hadn't realized it?
‘Yeah but, I'll be OK,’ I told her. ‘None of it's not your fault.’
Alicia pressed her lips together again. ‘Well, actually... I kinda feel like it is. I've kept this from you and I can't any more. I've never kept anything from you, and I just can't...’
I felt nerves start to clench my stomach.
‘Alicia, you're making me worry. What are you talking about?’
She breathed in a couple of times, then peeked a glance at me. She looked back down again as she explained, ‘There was something I was supposed to give you, and I never did. I only did it because I thought I was helping. I thought it would help you and Dad be alright again.’
‘Well, what is it?’
‘They're upstairs,’ she said. I followed her up to her bedroom. I stood there waiting, feeling nervous but not knowing why as she pulled open a drawer at her dresser and fished something out from the back. She handed me some folded bits of paper, then sat down on her bed, waiting for my reaction.
I frowned with confusion, looking at the papers. I opened one, it looked like a scrap of notebook paper, with some scraggy hand writing. I had no idea what this was all about, and was about to read the short lines when my eyes snapped to the end.
Jason.
The name said Jason. He wrote this? My heart leapt into my throat as I forced my eyes back to the top. It wasn't addressed to anyone, it just said, 'I've moved here with the others. We don't have a phone yet but I'll be here a while. They won't mind if you come stay. Let me know where you are.' It had an address on it, and his name.
That was all it said.
Frantic, I opened another of the papers. The second one simply said 'Let me know where you are,' and the phone number I recognized as his aunt's.
The third one was longer; 'Did you get my last message? I'm sorry I got you in trouble, I gave the money back to your sister. Are you coming back? I've got to leave soon, I can't afford what I was going to do so I'm moving in with the others. You can stay with us if you need to. I'll send you the address.'
I looked back to what must have been the final letter. The address was in Ellwood. There were no dates on these. My hands trembled as I held them. I felt sick.
I looked at Alicia. ‘When?’ I said quietly.
Her eyes were full of tears again. She swallowed before she said, ‘Just after you left he came up to me at school. He asked where you were.’
‘And?’
‘I didn't tell him.’ She looked up at me, her face pleading. ‘You have to understand, I was devastated when you left. I blamed him. I wanted our family back together.’
I took in her words, absorbed them. There was a lot I wanted to say back about that, but it would keep. Right now I only wanted the bare facts.
‘It says here he gave you the money?’
The tears started to roll down her cheeks as she nodded. ‘He came up to me again, with that first note. He wanted me to give it to you...and I couldn't do it. I didn't want to interfere but I thought I was helping. After you left, Dad was so...different. He was angry all the time, he drank more.’
‘Are you saying that's my fault?’ I snapped.
‘No,’ she said, sobbing. ‘I...just want you to know why I didn't pass those on. I was thinking of us.’
‘So what happened to the money?’
‘He came up to me again at school, asked if you'd got the note. We had a bit of an argument. I said if he was sorry at all he should give back all that money you gave him. I knew as soon as Dad said about your college money going missing you'd given it to him, Mike.’
‘I was gonna make it back,’ I defended. ‘I never got a chance though.’
‘He gave most of it back anyway. Almost eighteen hundred dollars.’
‘And what did you do with it?’
Alicia was still crying but trying her hardest not to. Her voice kept breaking though, which made it hard to stay mad. ‘I gave it to Dad,’ she sobbed. ‘I told him that you'd sent it. I thought it would help, but he was still the same.’
‘Yes, he is!’ I agreed, trying not to shout. ‘No matter what I do he'll never get over it. So really, there was no point, was there?’
I turned and left her bedroom, leaving her sobbing. I stormed down the stairs and picked up my wallet and keys from the kitchen. I took out some cash and left it on the kitchen table. When I stalked back through the hall Alicia had come down the stairs. She watched me warily.
‘I've left cash for you,’ I said. ‘It'll be enough to get to the hospital. I'll come by later.’
‘Where are you going?’ she sniffed.
‘Well first, I'm going here,’ I waved the note at her. ‘And then I'll probably go all over town wasting my time, because I'm more than likely too late to do anything now.’
I didn't bother waiting for her reply before I slammed through the front door. I was beyond angry, it took all my control to not shout at her. I could understand her reasoning, to her our family was more important but I didn't appreciate her making decisions for me.
When Aaron had said years ago I should see it as a sign that the whole thing wasn't meant to be, I had agreed with him. I'd assumed Jason would easily forget about me. If I'd known he wanted to stay in contact I would have jumped at the chance. I was jumping now.
As I rushed into Dad's car and gunned the engine like my life depended on it, I felt a little nostalgic. I remembered back to the times I'd often driven all over town looking for Jason. I hoped my bad luck would disappear long enough for me to find out where he was.
Chapter 11
I went straight round to the address on the note. It was on the other side of town. Driving through Ellwood brought back a lot of memories.
When I got onto the right road, not far from where Jason and AJ had lived, I slowed down to find the house. Number 178, 180, 182...184, this was it. I stopped the car by the curb and walked briskly up to the porch, heart pounding. I rang the doorbell twice before I could hear any movement inside. A woman with curly hair answered the door. I didn't recognize her.
‘Can I help you?’ she asked, when I had stood there for a moment not speaking.
‘Um...’ I tried to find my words. ‘I was looking for my friend, he said he lived here?’
‘There's only me and my husband here, hunny,’ she shrugged. ‘I still get post for the guys here before me.’ She leaned behind the door to pick up some unopened letters. ‘Here you go.’ She handed me two envelopes, then smiled and closed the door.
‘Thanks,’ I mumbled, my heart sinking. I looked at the letters. They were both addressed to Alex Johnson. Was that AJ?
Didn't help me find where they were now though.
I went back to the car and sat down. I put the letters on the passenger seat and stared at them. After a few minutes dragged by I decided to go round to AJ's parent's house. It wasn't far from here at all.
It was clear Jason's aunt would be no help but if I could find AJ he was bound to know anything worth knowing.
When I got round there and rang the bell
I didn't think anyone was going to answer, then I noticed movement at the side of the house, down the path. I walked over to AJ's Mom, kneeling over a flowerbed. She wore a white sun hat and gardening gloves. I absently noted it looked like she was fighting a losing battle tending this garden but she was obviously absorbed in her work.
‘Um, Mrs. Johnson?’
She glanced up with a start. ‘Yes?’ she asked, looking me up and down.
‘I was hoping to find AJ? I'm an old friend.’
‘Oh,’ she said. ‘He's not here, he lives with Cat.’
‘Do you know where I can find him? It's kinda urgent.’
‘Well, he'll be at work now,’ she replied. ‘Over at the garage on Fairview.’
My hopes rose again.
‘Great, thanks a lot!’
Fairview was a wide set street on the edge of town, nearer the woods. It was wide enough to get the trucks down it two at a time. Fairview had the forest truck depot and the town garage on it, as well as various hardware and camping stores. I had to park around the corner and walk up the road. Everything here brought back so many childhood memories; the fresh air, the smell of wood being cut up, even the sounds of buzz saws and hammering. I would have liked to spend more time here now I was back but that wasn't possible.
I'd brought the letters with me. My nerves had me breathing deeply to try keep them under control. When I got to the garage halfway down Fairview I saw a couple of guys in greasy overalls standing out front. Most of the work was done outside here; there was a large mechanical lift that had a car hoisted up on it. Not that the two guys seemed to be doing much, more just standing about and talking.
‘Excuse me,’ I asked. ‘Does AJ work here?’
As they turned to look at me I immediately recognized one of them.
AJ had his long hair tied back in a pony tail with a trucker cap on his head. His clothes were loose and smeared with black marks, and a dirty looking rag hung from the back pocket.
I'd never seen him in baggy clothes before.
‘Mike?’ His eyes widened with recognition. ‘Holy shit!’ He smiled broadly at me. ‘Man, it's been like, an age!’
‘Hey,’ I smiled back. AJ approached me and held out his hand. I shook it but the emotion at seeing him made me wrap my arms around him in a hug.
He hugged me back and patted my shoulder. ‘Still working out, then?’ he laughed, prodding my arm as I released him. ‘Shit, you're bigger than ever.’
‘You're taller too,’ I said, still trying to get over his new look.
‘Hah, yeah, I guess. So, where you been?’
‘I'm in New York,’ I said. ‘Nothing exciting. I have to wear a suit.’
‘Oh right,’ AJ laughed. ‘Yeah, your haircut says as much. You gone from jock to yuppie, then?’
‘Something like that,’ I smiled. ‘It's so good to see you,’ I said honestly.
AJ was still smiling. ‘You too, man. We wondered if you'd ever come back.’
‘Yeah well, it's only a flying visit,’ I explained. ‘Oh hey, I brought you these.’
I handed him the two envelopes. AJ took one look at the front and screwed his face in a grimace. ‘Oh gee, thanks, Mike. Bring me some bills, why don't you?’
‘Oh,’ I said flatly. ‘Sorry. I thought they might be important?’
‘Most definitely not!’ AJ shoved the letters in the back pocket of his overalls. ‘So how long you staying? We got time to go for a drink later?’
‘That'd be great. I can drive,’ I offered.
‘Yeah, thought you might,’ he laughed. ‘Well I knock off at five, you wanna come back then? I'll show you pictures of my daughter. I'm a total bore now, might as well warn you!’
‘Your what?’ I goggled. ‘How old is she?’
‘Just coming up for thirteen months,’ AJ beamed. ‘We called her Kitty. After Cat, you see?’
‘That's great! Wow, you're a dad?’
‘I know,’ he laughed. ‘Shocking, huh? I can't do anything anymore! I gotta work here, then I get home and it's all diapers, spewing, feeding, more diapers. Then I fall asleep. But she sure is beautiful. You can meet her if you want? I'm sure Cat would like to see you, too.’
‘Yeah, I'd like that,’ I agreed.
‘Awesome, see you back here at five then?’
‘Yeah. Um...I actually wanted to ask you something.’
‘What's up?’ AJ asked. ‘You're not looking for Jason, are you?’
My eyes dropped shyly. ‘Well, actually...’
‘Ah,’ AJ said. ‘Nothing changes, huh?’ he laughed.
I didn't answer but looked up at him hopefully.
AJ sighed. ‘Man, you know we fell out?’
‘You always fell out,’ I said quietly.
AJ snorted a small laugh. ‘Yeah but the last time I said that's enough. We haven't spoken in like, forever.’
‘I'm sorry to hear that,’ I replied.
‘Yeah,’ AJ agreed. ‘I should've know it would be a disaster. I can fill you in later.’
‘'Um, actually, I kinda wanted to speak to him. Do you know where he'd be?’
AJ frowned slightly. ‘Yeah, I have a fair idea. You definitely don't wanna go there without a baseball bat, man.’
My confused expression led him to explain. AJ lifted up his hat slightly to scratch his forehead. ‘OK,’ he said. ‘The short version is, a bunch of us got a place together after high school. Like we said we would, right? I knew it would be asking for trouble, but we let him move in as well. For a while we were all having fun, like partying. It was OK, but we had to hold down steady jobs, get up in the morning. That took some getting used to! Most of us managed to do that but Jason and Robin kinda went off the rails. They started hanging out with these skanks from the estate and taking more drugs.’
He paused, then added, ‘You know Robin died a few months ago?’
‘Died?’ I repeated in shock. ‘Robin?’
‘Yeah,’ AJ sighed. ‘Real sad. What a moron. He over-dosed. Apparently he'd been dead for days before anyone realized.’
‘Didn't he live with anyone?’ I asked.
‘Oh yeah, they all live out in the Whitlow building.’
I frowned, then AJ elaborated. ‘It's a squat, man. You know that old industrial estate out of town? That’s what I meant, don't take any money over there, just take a baseball bat!’
‘Is that where Jason is?’
‘Yeah, last I heard. That's where they all end up. He started hanging out with this real creepy guy, can't remember his name. While he was still with us he really screwed us over. Him and Robin didn't give us any money for rent and they stole money from my wallet and Cat's purse. We got behind with the bills and had to move out pretty quick. They didn't give a shit about us, as long as they had enough money for their fix.’
‘Oh,’ I said numbly. ‘I'm sorry.’
‘Hey, these things happen. Shame though. So yeah, Robin's gone. Jason looked a wreck, last I saw him.’
‘What from?’ I asked.
My mind reeled at what could have killed Robin, our friend.
What could make them live in a squat? I didn't want to hear what it was, did I?
AJ shrugged. ‘Heroin, man. They're all junkies over there. Even if you do find him, he's not the same person we used to know.’
I drove along the edge of town, into the small industrial estate that had been built near Ellwood not that long ago, hastily thrown together when they thought corporate business would over take anything else the town had to offer. It's neglected appearance was tale of how that turned out.
Most of the bigger buildings there were still in use, mostly factories or store houses. A few had closed and gone out of business. There were boards up on windows, graffiti on walls.
The Whitlow building used to be offices for some business or another but they'd shut during the recession, and AJ had said this was the squatter's den.
I parked in a street that looked fairly quiet, and tried to conceal the car behind a fi
lthy dumpster. I thought about parking the car further away but I didn't like the idea of walking through this area alone. That was asking for trouble.
I still had my wallet, I wasn't able to put it anywhere else. I half expected the car to get stolen so I might as well keep the wallet on me. I had stopped off at a sports store and bought a strong tennis racket though. I kept the cover on but carried it by the handle, ready to hit out if needed but hopefully not looking like I was simply coming in to start a fight.
Gazing up at the four storey building as I approached, I felt anxious I wouldn't be able to find Jason, even if he was in there. The front entrance was open, if you could call it that. One of the glass doors was smashed in and leaned off on it's hinge. The metal plaque on the wall stated rather ironically 'Whitlow, a business for the future' had green graffiti sprayed over it.
I glanced about. Where the hell would I start? This used to be the lobby, it looked deserted. I thought rationally, if anybody was going to stay here, they'd want to be on one of the higher floors.
Assuming the elevators wouldn't work, judging by the half open door and no lights, I took the stairs. The daylight tried to shine through the dirty windows in the stairwell but it was a losing battle. I walked steadily up to the first floor. My heart hammered in my chest. I had no idea what to expect.
On the first floor it was still dingy, and seemed to be one large room after another, deserted. Still some old desks and various office equipment lying around. The few windows that were here had newspaper stuck over them, keeping out the light.
I swept through the rooms, looking everywhere, hyper aware in case I got jumped. I gave myself a fright when I noticed a small huddled figure, who noticed me at the same time and squeaked. It was a woman, and she began muttering to herself. I saw no point asking her anything, she looked terrified and I'd probably get no sense out of her.
There were more people in the back rooms. They were older people, and I expected that, wrapped in layers and layers of raggy clothes, even though it was warm. The sort of people you're almost used to seeing as homeless, sad as it was.
But the other people I saw there I was not expecting to see; they were young. Some looked younger than me, too young to be on their own. Young, bedraggled looking kids. I felt awful for them, I was still on my guard though and didn't stop.
The Price of Falling Page 17