‘Why?’ I repeated, when he didn't reply.
‘It's too late,’ he said hoarsely. ‘Just go away, and we'll both go back to what we were doing.’
His words were cutting. I had to breathe deeply a few times to keep myself together.
If I'd been younger hearing those words, I probably would have believed them. I had been a shy kid and never understood subtleties but I'd had four years since then of being thrust into working life, office politics and watching my colleagues playing games with each other. I could read people a whole lot better than I used to, that was for sure.
I was silent for a moment, digesting what he'd said. If I did as he asked and walked out now, I'd never know anything.
Might as well go for broke. I took a final deep breath and got off the bed. I walked two steps and sat down just behind him. I could tell he was surprised by the sudden tensing of his shoulders.
‘I'm not going anywhere,’ I said. ‘Not without you.’
‘I want to leave,’ he said sulkily. ‘You can't keep me here, you wouldn't like it. You do what you like but I want to leave.’
I could see him try to swallow a cough, try not to let it out.
‘I will leave,’ I told him. ‘But I want you to come with me.’
Jason simply shook his head at me. He turned his face away to the wall and brought his arm up, the one nearest to me, to cover himself.
My eyes were drawn to the collection of red marks all along his skin, which only made me feel more determined. I reached my hand out and gently tried to grasp his; he flinched at the contact and slapped my hand off.
‘Go away,’ he muttered.
It wasn't anything new. Jason used to push me away a lot back then as well.
It was still just as hurtful. I took a moment to try and read his actions. I'd never seen him like this before, hunched over and hiding his face. Almost like he didn't want me to look at him.
He'd never been like that. I wanted to reach out to him but he obviously didn't want that either. I'd have to keep speaking instead, and hoped he would listen.
‘When they told me you ran off,’ I began, ‘They said you'd more than likely die from an over-dose.’
I heard Jason snort but continued. ‘I thought you'd die,’ I admitted quietly. ‘I thought I'd never see you again. It was different than knowing you were living somewhere else and I couldn't see you because of that...but knowing you could be gone forever, I'd never have the chance to see you, to see if we-’
I broke off. My voice was dangerously close to becoming wobbly and I wanted to keep it together. I'd had years of bottling up emotions, it was hard to let them all out at once.
Jason didn't reply but after a moment I saw his head raise up slightly.
‘If we what?’ he asked.
‘If we could start again?’
Jason turned his face away from me. ‘Don't be stupid.’
‘Why?’
‘It won't work.’
‘Why?’ I repeated, more firmly. ‘I'm asking you to try-’
‘It won't work, Mike!’ Jason snapped, suddenly standing up. He stomped round me and went to sit on the opposite end of the bed, facing away from me again. He started coughing but tried to hold it in. I shifted on the bed to face him, or his back anyway.
‘No,’ I said, determined. ‘I don't believe you, and I'm not leaving until you talk to me.’
‘Well, we'll both sit here in fucking silence then,’ I heard him grumble.
I sighed a little. Still stubborn, I thought. I could tell he was sulking. I'd almost forgotten what this was like; the frustration I'd feel at him pushing me away, never talking, when all I wanted to do was tell him how I felt.
Except I'd never dared. I came close a few times but always fell silent or messed up my words. Well, here was my last chance. I might as well take it, I thought. I had nothing else to lose.
‘I love you,’ I said.
He didn't respond. I knew he had heard me.
It was out there now, no taking it back. It felt strangely liberating to be so honest.
‘I want you to come live with me,’ I told him. ‘I'm not asking for anything, we can just be friends if that's what you want. But I want to look after you, at least until you're better. I'll help you do whatever you want. Just...’
I didn't know what else to say.
‘Please, Jason?’
I'd never been this open with myself, let alone anyone else. I was dismayed to see him shaking his head.
‘No,’ he said again.
‘Why not?’ I asked quietly. ‘I thought we were friends, at least.’
I waited for his reply, finally he said, ‘We're both where we're supposed to be. Forget it, it would never work.’
I swallowed, taking in what he said. In the back of my mind I think I understood what he was trying to say; he didn't think it would work out, so he was refusing to even try.
Standing up, I gently paced round the bed and sat next to him. He tensed when I did, pressing himself into the wall.
‘I live in New York now,’ I said, hoping it would sway him. ‘There's so much there, you'd love it. I'm only asking you to come back with me, and we'll work something out.’
Jason frowned slightly. ‘Why are you so hell bent on this? It'll never work.’
‘How can you say that without even trying?’
He rolled his eyes at me, for the first time in four years. ‘Because I know what will happen, that's why.’
‘So you won't even try?’
‘Correct, well done.’
‘Bullshit,’ I said calmly. ‘You're scared.’
It was a bold statement.
Jason's eyes narrowed at me. ‘Don't fucking tell me what I am,’ he said, barely audible.
‘You tell me, then,’ I replied, heart hammering.
This was the most direct I'd ever been with him. I was sure he was surprised; back when he'd known me I barely spoke unless I had to. Jason glared at me a moment longer before he looked away, defeated. He simply shook his head.
‘I love you,’ I said again. ‘I always have.’
He didn't look back at me. ‘Just go away. Please.’
I ignored the pain those words left in me.
‘No,’ I refused. ‘I'm not leaving. I'll stay right here until you talk to me. As long as it takes.’
I watched Jason take a breath and huff it out.
He still sat leaning on the wall, trying to ignore me. I waited. If this was what it took, I was in no rush. After a few minutes of tense silence I was starting to wonder if my persistence was actually getting me anywhere.
Then quite suddenly, still quietly, he spoke.
‘Don't you think you could do better?’
I had only just heard what he said, and my heart pumped all the faster that I'd finally got him to talk. Assuming he meant himself, I replied, ‘I love you, not anyone else.’
‘So you won't care what people will think? What they'll say?’
I blinked in confusion. ‘There are a lot of gay people in New York.’
Jason gave me a withering look, again something I hadn't received for years.
‘Not that, Mike. Even if I was just your friend, people will look at you then look at me and think, what the fuck is he doing here? He doesn't fit in here.’
I vaguely heard what he was sulking about but after those first words, my ears filled with the sound of my own heartbeat. Even if I was just your friend, he'd said.
That was all I needed to know that I had a chance. I could make this work.
I leaned over and grasped his hand, catching him by surprise.
‘What are you doing?’ he grumbled. ‘Fuck off.’
I let him pull his hand away, searching his eyes as I said again, ‘I love you. How do you feel about me?’
Jason didn't reply, his green eyes were wary. I had missed looking into those eyes so much, it used to be the only way I could tell him things, silently. Scared kid that I was, thinking if I gazed into his ey
es long enough he'd know how I felt without having to say anything.
Maybe he had known.
He turned away, rubbing his hands over his eyes like he was tired.
‘Tell me,’ I pressed.
‘It's not gonna work, Mike.’ He folded his arms and turned away. ‘Look at you, and then look at me.’
‘We've always been different,’ I offered.
‘Yeah but, I'm not the same person,’ his voice was barely above a whisper. I wasn't sure if that was down to the cough or him.
‘You're still you. I love you.’
I wondered, how many more times could I say it?
Jason shook his head again. ‘I don't enjoy life, I don't want to do anything. There's no point in trying, I'll just make you miserable and you'll end up hating me. Like everyone else. You should have left me where I was.’
I took in his words; they made me sadder than anything but more determined to convince him.
‘You're sure to feel bad right now, the Doctor said so. You've gotta give it time.’
‘I've felt this way for ages,’ Jason looked up at me. ‘The only thing drugs do is make all that go away, and nothing matters any more. Then I find myself locked in this fucking room on the come down from hell, and it's like I have to stare at myself in the mirror after years of avoiding it. You have no idea how much I don't want to be here.’
‘I'm sorry,’ I told him. ‘I'll take you out, we can leave-’
‘No, dummy,’ he snapped, eyes glistening. ‘Not just here, I don't want to be alive. Do you understand? I don't want to be here at all!’
I didn't know how to respond. I was silent only a moment but Jason took that as my answer.
‘See! That's me, that's what I'm like. And you want me to come live with you? It's never gonna work, you should have left me alone.’
He stood up, about to walk around me again. I stood up too, blocking his way. I was desperate, trying to hold his hand as he swatted me off.
‘I always knew you weren't happy,’ I said, gripping onto his shoulders, forcing him to stay still. ‘And I know you feel bad now, but if you give it a chance, I know I can make it better. We were OK, weren't we? You were OK with me?’
My fingers squeezed at him as I searched his face, He wouldn't look at me.
‘Please, Jason, give me a chance.’
My voice was wavering. I breathed in to steady it.
He shook his head. ‘I'll just make you miserable.’
I couldn't help it, I pulled him into my chest, wrapped my arms around him. He seemed cool, not warm like I remembered. I hugged him tightly, trying not to crush him.
‘You won't,’ I whispered, lips just above his ear, nuzzling at his head. I'd missed him so much. I inhaled deeply to draw his scent into me. I could feel him breathe against me, inside my arms. With each blow of his breath I could feel the familiar heat growing in my groin. I lost it a little and dipped my head to brush my lips on the skin of his neck.
I felt him shiver but also push at me with his hands.
‘Mike, don't.’
I opened my arms and released him, taking a step back. ‘Sorry,’ I mumbled. I was still blocking his way, and didn't know what else to do. Jason folded his arms and looked away from me. He seemed upset. It was strange, I had never seen this much emotion from him before.
‘Please come home with me,’ I asked again. ‘I'm not taking no for an answer. Why don't we just...see what happens?’
Jason sighed. ‘Alright, fine,’ he said quietly. ‘On one condition.’
‘Anything,’ I offered, elated at last.
‘You gotta promise me, if you don't want me there any more or you've changed your mind, just tell me.’
‘Nothing will change,’ I stated, which only earned me another withering look.
‘People always change,’ he said, and I felt the hurt behind those words. ‘Just promise,’ he continued. ‘If you don't want me there or you've had enough, tell me and I'm gone. I'm sick of people silently hating me and not saying anything.’
I nodded, agreeing to what he wanted. ‘If that's what it takes, I promise.’
Chapter 14
So finally, on Saturday May 23rd, I got what I wanted. Jason Reilly came home with me.
Well... OK, I didn't have everything I wanted. I didn't want to push him, I kept my distance and hoped he'd snap out of this weird, anxious and depressive state he was currently in.
It certainly wasn't easy, I wouldn't lie about that. Jason almost didn't get on the plane to New York because he started panicking. I'd spoken to Dr. Harris before we left Fulbourne and he gave me a long list of symptoms that drug addicts were likely to have even after quitting. Panic attacks, anxiety and depression were top of the list.
Jason had a similar panic as we arrived in JFK, New York. It seemed to be places with a lot of people he'd suddenly worry. He'd freeze on the spot and say he wanted to 'go back'. The only thing I could do was talk to him calmly and try to distract him. I bought him a Walkman and some tapes in the departure lounge and loads of magazines. He loved the Walkman; when he wore it all the time at home I considered hiding it.
I never knew I could get jealous of a damn Walkman.
I'd also had to buy him clothes. He couldn't very well leave Fulbourne with no shoes and their standard issue blue slacks. I'd had to go searching round the Ellwood mall for three different sizes of sneakers and jeans, as even he didn't know his size. I got a t-shirt and, as he'd specifically asked, a black sweater with a hood. He lived in that sweater, with the hood pulled up. And black sunglasses. He said the light hurt his eyes a lot more than he remembered.
When we drove through New York City in the cab he quietly stared out of the window. It was hard to tell what he thought, with the shades on and the hood up I could barely see him. I hoped he would like being here.
The first thing he did when we got in the apartment was go over to the big sliding window by the kitchen. It was open, and the cool evening air blew in. He didn't step out onto the balcony but gazed out at the building tops and the street below. After that first look, he didn't go near the window again for weeks.
Jason did like his CD's at least. He also liked my TV, after he found MTV for the first time he rarely changed the channel. I showed him where everything was, not that he paid much attention. I showed him how to use the shower, the oven and microwave.
Not that I was any great chef in the kitchen. He said he wasn't hungry anyway, simply sat on the couch and watched TV. I made a sandwich for myself but really I was too nervous to eat.
While I was in the kitchen I heard the apartment door open. I knew it must have been Alicia coming home from a night out. I chickened out of their first meeting and hesitated behind the corner wall.
‘Oh,’ I heard Alicia say. ‘Hey.’
I strained as hard as I could but didn't hear a reply from Jason. I decided I'd better intervene. I knew how difficult he could be.
‘Hey!’ I said, flying out of the kitchen. ‘You're back! Alicia, Jason's going to stay with us. Hey, you been out? You look pretty. How's Will?’
Alicia nodded, trying her best to put on a convincing smile. ‘Yeah, great,’ she said, answering all my questions at once.
Jason still didn't answer. I noticed after a hard look at her he turned his attention back to the TV.
This was gonna be awkward.
I was right; seemed I couldn't have my cake and eat it after all.
Alicia was my family, she was all I had but I needed to have Jason in my life too. It was sad that they were determined not to get along. Alicia, to her credit, did try at first. I knew all too well how difficult Jason was if he didn't like someone, or wanted to wind them up. He would either ignore them completely or offer a back-handed remark. I'd seen him do it to pretty much everyone in high school at some point.
He had tried doing that with me at first but after a while when he realized I didn't rise to it and wouldn't go away, he did start to lay off. I actually considered his insults
a sign of affection, I didn't get offended by them. They were like specks of dirt bouncing off my wind-shield. I could see through all that and I hoped eventually he would feel comfortable enough to relax.
Jason definitely wasn't himself. He slept a lot, in my bed or curled up on the couch with the TV going. He seemed tired all the time, and when he was awake he was cranky, having always just woken up.
‘He hates me,’ Alicia whispered to me in the kitchen while he was in the shower.
‘He doesn't hate you,’ I whispered back, hoping that was true. ‘He's...not himself, the Doctor said it's normal having come off the drugs.’
‘What, to lose your manners?’ she countered. ‘He's so rude to me, Mike! He's rude to you, too. Can't you see it?’
I sighed. ‘Like I said, this isn't really him. He'll get better.’
‘Yeah, you hope so,’ Alicia huffed before turning on her heel.
I really did hope so.
It was quite a drain on me as well. I didn't know what to do; I worried when I was at work that Jason would suddenly have a change of heart and leave. I would call the apartment to check on him a couple of times a day, until he snapped at me to stop calling him about nothing.
Then I worried that I was crowding him. At first I slept on the couch, letting him sleep in my bed. One night he demanded to know why I wasn't sleeping with him. It took a moment for me to gather myself and answer that, without immediately thinking about sex.
‘Um, I, well I thought-’ I breathed in. ‘I thought you wanted some space.’
‘No,’ he said sulkily, sat on the side of the bed with his arms folded. ‘If you're scared you'll catch something from me, you should just say. I'll go sleep on the couch.’
I sighed in frustration. ‘No, it's not that...’
He was evidently still upset about the visit from his new Doctor that day. I wanted to register him to a surgery in New York, and had a Doctor do a house call. Jason was not happy about it, not one bit. Especially when the Doctor wanted blood and urine samples.
I'd tried telling him it wouldn't hurt to get a second opinion, and he'd been instructed to get regular checkups anyway. His cough had pretty much disappeared and the Hepatitis was under control but I was still worried about him.
The Price of Falling Page 22