by Jo Owens
“Of course,” he says from the doorway, nodding slightly as he leaves.
Molly grins at me, and whispers in my ear. “You sure can tell he’s a professor!”
I grin back.
“You know what’s really funny?” Molly says, tugging on a corner of my bedspread to subdue a wrinkle. “When Michiko has been with him for ten minutes. Michiko sounds like whoever she’s been talking to last, did you ever notice that? She’s a real parrot. She can’t help herself.”
* * *
Amit comes blasting into our room while Molly is getting me up.
I need to use a bitch coupon!
What’s a bitch coupon?
Molly! You don’t know what a bitch coupon is? I’m shocked!
Well, what is it?
It’s when you just need to get a little something off your chest.
And you need a coupon for that?
Well, sure. One a day, maximum. I can’t just be bitching non-stop, Molly…everyone would start thinking they’re entitled to the same, and then where would you be? Swimming in a sea of negativity, baby!
Molly is laughing hard. She finds Amit hysterical always, but I think he just makes sense.
Okay, Amit. Here’s your coupon. Whatcha got?
I’ve forgotten.
Oh my God. I’m going to give you an award for being the best whiner ever.
Nice! I’ll put it with all my other awards.
Such as?
Oh, you know. Most studly. Best coiffed. I’ve got a whole collection.
Worst memory?
What are you talking about? All my memories are the best!
* * *
A few days later, I am sitting in the sunroom when I hear a dog barking and Blaire and Michiko’s excited squeals down the hall. And then…oh my God! Is that Chris laughing? I crane my head around, but I can’t see.
The girls follow Chris into the sunroom as if he was the Pied Piper, twittering like birds.
He’s got the cutest little boxer pup you ever laid eyes on. Even Blaire is delighted.
Oh, you sweet little guy! How old is he?
Eight weeks. I just picked him up today.
Chris always wanted a pet.
I just couldn’t handle the extra responsibility. I think Chris understood that I couldn’t manage one, because he never begged, but I know he secretly yearned for a dog of his own.
Chris lifts the puppy onto my lap and I defend my face as he tries to lick me. I can’t help but smile. He’s so irresistibly soft and so wiggly, it’s like trying to hold water.
I throw my hand up, raise my eyebrows, squawk.
“You’re surprised?”
I nod, grinning.
“Me too, I guess. I told Theresa I was planning to get a dog and she flipped her lid. You know how she feels about animals. She said a dog will devalue your property and a whole lot of other crap that’s none of her business now that we’re not together.”
My mouth is wide open. I shut it with a snap. I’m pretty sure steam is going to billow from my ears.
Chris thinks it’s funny. For a split second he looks like Angelina stirring the pot, with his mischievous grin.
“I told her she can’t have it both ways. She can’t split up with me and keep on telling me what to do, like I’m some kind of a trained eunuch.”
My eyebrows shoot off my forehead.
“So you’re okay with me having Astro at the house?”
Are you joking, my love? You’re offering me an opportunity to thwart Theresa? Why don’t you just go ahead and get a whole pack of pit bulls? Thumbs up!
Chris grins.
Snuff, says the puppy, slobbering on my lap.
Good boy.
* * *
Lily has started her new position and she’s clearly riding a wave of sunshine. She’s beaming.
“I received the nicest compliment. Would you like to hear it?”
I nod vigorously.
“I was portering Ruby out of the dining room. She took my arm, and she said, ‘Look at them, Lily. They’ve lost so much. Their homes, their careers, their pets, even their families.’ She said, ‘You brighten their lives.’ Isn’t that sweet, Frannie? What a lovely way to think of my job!”
My face is stiff. I’m having a hard time composing the necessary smile. I’m…I’m jealous, that’s what I am. I want to be the one to tell Lily how wonderful she is.
“Things are looking up, Francesca. Sierra likes her teacher, I’ve got a steady day job, I’ve got more time to work on my designs…and I get to see more of you! Isn’t that great?”
Like an impetuous child, Lily flings her arms around me and presses her cheek next to mine. With my one good arm I hold her close, feeling her ribs beneath the soft cotton scrub. And breathe.
The wicked feelings are gone.
Whatever makes Lily happy, whoever turns the light on in her eyes and makes her shine, that’s the person or the thing that makes me grateful. I swear.
It’s okay that I’m jealous of Ruby. It doesn’t stop me from appreciating her.
Don’t you mind about Ruby, Anna. She’ll never take your place in my heart.
* * *
Later, what Ruby told Lily about loss comes back to me, and I start thinking about something that happened shortly after I came here. I had a temper tantrum after a run-in with one of the aides. I have an image of the snippet who was working with me, but I don’t know her name and I don’t think I’ve seen her since. But Michiko was there. With her sword and shield. Defender of the faith.
What the heck does she want?
Oh, she wants her box of Kleenex. She likes to keep it with her. She drools out of the right side of her mouth.
Yeah, I know, gross. I gave her a handful of tissues.
She doesn’t want your wad of snotrags. She wants her own box.
Well, she needs to learn that she can’t always get what she wants!
Michiko marched over to me crackling with rage.
“Hey, Frannie? You want a nice hot fresh croissant?”
Still sniffling, clutching my bum arm to my chest like a teddy bear, I nodded—a tearful child offered treats.
“How ’bout, maybe you’d like to do a little dancing?”
Michiko started a little soft-shoe shuffle, while she talked.
“Little two-step? Meet some nice guys, maybe have a couple of drinks? You wanna, Frannie?”
I had to grin.
“Or maybe just walk down to the corner store and buy a paper and a coffee, sit in the sun, waste some time? Sounds nice, right, Frannie?”
“Okay, Michi,” I remember thinking. “I bet she’s got it.”
“Yeah. I thought so. Me too. I want all those things. Here. Have your goddamn box of Kleenex.”
Michiko stomped out of the room.
What a bitch! said the Snippet bitterly.
At that point I had to wipe the drool off the side of my mouth. I remember that especially. Disgusting.
* * *
On third floor, a ninety-eight-year-old woman with dementia has been sent to emergency with chest pains, and the girls are all buzzing with the news of it.
How does that happen?
Didn’t she have a Degree of Intervention form?
Her family filled it out and they want all hands on deck, pull out all the stops, including resuscitation.
Oh my God! They’ll break her ribs!
My Lord! I do not want that to happen to me. Do I have one of those forms? I’m going to check with Chris the next chance I get.
* * *
What is it that you don’t like about being alone?
I feel so…terribly empty. And then I panic.
See, Lily, that’s the thing. You’ve got to stop thinking of this as a problem that can be solved
from the outside. You’ve got to heal that hole from within.
Good advice, maybe, but I notice you’re still single, Mich.
Yeah, but honey, I’m okay with that.
I don’t want to be single.
That’s cool, Lily. But single or not, you still have to deal with that hole inside. Nobody and nothing can do that for you but you.
I have a brilliant idea. Wouldn’t it be lovely if Chris got together with Lily?
I start to scheme. Maybe I could get Chris to buy me some clothes. If he got Lily to tailor them for him, maybe he could pick them up at her place…
I’ll have to think about this.
God knows I have lots of time.
* * *
When Chris comes in, I try to make him understand about the Degree of Intervention form and get nowhere. Fortunately Lily comes in, and it occurs to me this might be a good chance to bring them together. I ring my bell even though she’s walking towards me.
“I guess that means you want to see me!” she smiles as she shuts off the bell.
“Lily! Thank God. Can I impose on you for a minute?”
“Of course.”
“Something Mom wants…I can’t figure it out. She keeps flipping her calendar. What am I missing?”
I’ve already taken the calendar from my over-the-bed table, ready to show. I turn the page, sweep the squares with the back of my hand, turn, sweep, turn, sweep, and Lily understands almost right away.
“The future? What about the future? Your future? Is it a will? No? The Degree of Intervention? Okay.” Lily turns her sweet face towards Chris.
“Man, you’re good,” he says admiringly.
“I cheated. We were talking about that in her hearing just the other day.”
“So, what now? I’m pretty sure we filled that form out when Mom was admitted.”
I tap my head. I don’t remember!
“Do you want to go over it again?” asks Lily.
I nod.
“I’ll get the RN to bring you a copy and you can look over it together.”
“But…Mom is pretty stable, isn’t she?”
“As far as we know, Chris, but it’s always good to be prepared and clearly Francesca is thinking about this. She may have changed her mind about certain things. What if she gets pneumonia? If that should happen, does she want aggressive antibiotics, or ‘comfort measures only’? What if she has another stroke? What if she has a heart attack? Does she want to be resuscitated?”
I am shaking my head like crazy.
“She knows what she wants, don’t you, Francesca? I’ll go talk to the nurse.”
“I don’t have time to do that right now, but,” Chris turns from Lily to me, “I promise we will attend to it soon.”
“As you like,” says Lily.
“Thank you,” says Chris, and we watch her go.
“She’s a good kid,” says Chris.
I use my good hand to mime “shapely.”
Chris shakes his head firmly.
“Don’t even go there,” he says. “One, she’s just a baby, and two, she’s not my type, and three, I may not have made the best choice last time, but it’s my life and none of your business.”
He stands up, smiling to soften his words, and his shoulders are back. “Gotta go. Love you.” He leans in and kisses me on the cheek.
I was angry, but I guess I’m not anymore.
* * *
Hey, Lily, what happened to Elaine’s clock?
Oooh. That was me. Was her daughter upset?
Steaming. You know how she goes off about every little thing.
I was trying to park the power chair and I hit the wall, and I guess the clock wasn’t very secure up there because it just bounced right off and shattered. I was meaning to replace it but I was busy last night.
You shouldn’t have to spend your own money to replace Elaine’s clock! That family has buckets of money.
Yes, but that’s not the point. I broke it, I’ll fix it. I just didn’t get around to it. I’ll run to the drugstore on my lunch break.
Don’t do that. Honestly. You can’t make that woman happy.
She’s not a bad person. She’s just…having a really hard time accepting that this has happened to her mother. She’s grieving. It’s not about the clock. Or the socks, or the teeth, or her mom’s twitch. She complains about what she can afford to complain about. What she’s really saying is that she’s in unbearable pain.
You really believe that, Lily? Because I think she’s just a terrible whiner, and grief is no excuse for treating people badly.
* * *
The leaves on my tree are starting to come down in the rain, and the high-wind storms we get in the fall have begun. Lily shows us pictures of the special costume she made Sierra for Halloween. Sierra looks very serious, all dressed in yellow with bright red spots on her cheeks and a hood with black-tipped ears. Ruby clucks like a perfect grandmother.
“Isn’t she darling? What is she supposed to be?”
“She’s Pikachu!”
“Pikachu?”
“It’s an anime character. A Japanese cartoon. Very popular right now.” Lily uses her phone to show us a picture of what Pikachu supposedly looks like in real life: a cartoon animal with a lightning bolt for a tail.
Ruby and I smile and cluck, but we have no idea what she’s talking about.
* * *
Mary has been having a lot of trouble eating lately. The dietitian changed her meal texture from minced to purée with thickened fluid, and she’s still choking. Feeding her turns out to be stressful for the aides, and both day shift and evenings discuss Mary’s decline anxiously, saying the same things over and over, as if to convince themselves.
I want to be a good nurse, and I sure don’t want her to go hungry, but I feel like I’m force-feeding her.
I figure when they stop eating, that’s Mother Nature’s way of trying to tell us something.
Yeah, like they said in that course. “She’s not dying because she’s not eating. She’s not eating because she’s dying.”
But the problem is knowing the difference between someone who wants to eat but takes forever, and someone who takes forever because they’re basically done with eating. That is the crux of it.
When Mary starts coughing yet again, Molly says, Oh, Mary! This is no fun, is it?
Mary shakes her head.
Okay, I’m done here. We love you, Mary; you know that, right? Molly kisses her cheek and Mary smiles because that’s still what Mary does.
Emotions are contagious, and I feel anxious too.
* * *
Michiko traded a shift with Blaire, so she’s working down the hall in the East Wing today, but she explodes into our room while Molly and Lily attend to Nana.
Oh my God, it’s the best day of my life!
Why, what happened?
Remember a couple of weeks ago I was telling you my buddy and I went for a picnic and a Great Dane came bounding up and scarfed down three-quarters of our lunch?
Yeah yeah yeah, and the owner was so rude about it. Yeah, so?
So, the dude was with this young woman, I mean young, and hot, right?
Yeah, you told us.
So the admission comes in to 107 with this lovely middle-aged woman, “Hi, I’m Ayesha, blah blah blah,” and I’m helping her put her mom’s stuff away, and in walks Wah-zoo of the Great Dane fame.
No way!
Yes!
Did he recognize you?
Damn straight he did, right away. He gave a little start, and he went white. So I said to Ayesha, all sweet, “Oh, is this your brother?” and she goes, “Oh no, Geoff is my husband; Nancy is my mother-in-law.”
What did you say?
I said, “Really! Even better!” Then I walked out. Oh my God, bes
t karma ever!
Why, what do you mean? You wouldn’t take it out on a resident, just cuz the son is a jerk, would you?
God no, what do you take me for? As if! I’m gonna treat her sooo good. I’m just going to make sure every time I see the guy, one way or another we end up talking about dogs.
Oh, Michi! You’re incorrigible! Did you?
Is the Pope Catholic? I said Nancy might appreciate a calendar, animals are always a hit, maybe a specific breed, like Great Danes for example. Ayesha said, “That’s an odd choice!” Geoff looked like he was going to puke, so I guess the dog belonged to the bimbo.
I thought you said you walked out.
Yeah, baby, I went and got Nancy a nice warm blanket so I could walk right back in again. Damn, I’m enjoying this! Thank you, Goddess!
I can’t believe a Great Dane ate your vegan lunch.
Well, he didn’t bother to unwrap the sandwiches, did he? He just wolfed ’em down. So maybe he was as disappointed as we were. The point is, your dog eats my lunch—not the time to be a prick, am I right?
Molly looks troubled but Michiko raises her hand and Lily meets her with a high-five.
Don’t worry, Moll—I’m only down there for a day. I’m not gonna shake the tree…much!
She flounces away, calling over her shoulder Places to go, pots to stir, leaving Molly laughing in spite of herself.
* * *
I wonder if Geoff (whoever he is) loves his mom. I wonder if he cares. I wonder if it crosses his mind that she is vulnerable, totally vulnerable, and he’s made an enemy of the woman who’s going to be doing her most personal care.
Not that Michiko would ever harm a resident, but Geoff doesn’t know that, and she looks daunting too, with her spiky hair and tattoos. If I was him, I’d be sweating.
No, Michi would never treat a resident poorly, but she does have dramatic flair, and she’s going to thoroughly enjoy telling this story to everyone. She’s liked and respected, and the aides will all side with her.