by Katie Knight
Jed stayed where he was in his office until he heard Tess’s footsteps disappear up the stairs then her door close behind her, followed by the lock clicking into place. He slumped back into his chair, staring up at the ceiling, wondering how in hell his well-ordered life had ever turned into such a fucking mess.
25
“Thanks for meeting me on such short notice,” Jed said to Owen the next morning. They were standing in the middle of the park where Nala had nearly been abducted the day before. It was cold and drizzling and the perfect backdrop to Jed’s shitty mood. He hadn’t slept at all the previous night, on guard for any little noise that someone was trying to get in and take Nala. So he’d sat up in the chair in the living room, staring at the wall, thinking about what an ass he’d been when he’d ended things with Tess.
It wasn’t just sex, not for him anyway. Never had been.
But he’d put his foot in it by telling her it was, and there was no recovering from that now. He’d seen the stark pain on her face the moment his words had driven a nail into her heart. There was no way she’d forgive him after that.
“No problem,” Owen said, breaking him out of his downward spiral of self-pity. “I’m glad you called. I’ve got a lot to tell you though I doubt you’re going to like what I’ve got to say.”
They walked over to a picnic table under a tree in case the drizzle turned into a full-blown rain, and Owen pulled out some papers from beneath his navy blue FBI jacket.
“I did some more digging into the accident that killed the Jacksons,” Owen said. “Like you asked. From what I’ve been able to turn up, it looks like a hired hit.”
“What?” Stunned, Jed stared at his friend. “But who would do that?”
Owen sighed. “Unfortunately, I’m not at liberty to reveal that information yet, but I believe it’s someone who had connections to the military, and the SEALs in particular.”
“Shit.” Jed went through the paperwork Owen had handed him. “Why would anyone want Martin and Ayesha dead? They were out of it, all of it. Hell, Martin didn’t even come to the SEAL reunions anymore, and Ayesha was a painter, for Christ’s sake. They never hurt anyone.”
“I know.” Owen frowned as his phone rang. He pulled it out and scowled at the screen. “Sorry. I’ve got to go. I stopped here on my way to another appointment. Listen, be careful, okay? Until we connect all the dots, no one is safe. Don’t trust anyone.”
“Never do,” Jed muttered underneath his breath. He held up the papers and called out as Owen walked away, “Thanks for this.”
“Any time.” Owen waved as he reached his gray, government-owned sedan near the curb. “Talk to you soon.”
“Yep.” He waited until his buddy’s taillights disappeared around the corner then headed back home. Until all of this was straightened out and he knew for certain Nala was safe, he was working from home as much as possible. Between his phone and his laptop, he had the bases covered.
There was plenty to keep him busy at least and keep his mind from dwelling on his painful breakup with Tess. And yeah, it was a breakup. He acknowledged that now, at least for himself. He’d loved her. Loved her enough to let her go when it became clear she deserved so much more than a man who couldn’t show his emotions and couldn’t keep her safe. Each time he closed his eyes, he still saw her sitting on the sofa last night, hurt and scared and alone and it was all because of his incompetence.
Better she left him for another man than get stuck with a failure like him.
He walked back in through the front door to find Tess and Nala working on their lessons in the living room. He mumbled a hello then headed down the hall toward his office, not missing the flicker of hurt and heartache in Tess’s eyes. He closed the door behind him and got to work on his computer.
There was a voicemail from Kevin on his phone and he dialed in to the warehouse.
“What’s up?” Jed asked.
“Hey,” Kevin said. “You left in a hurry yesterday and I didn’t get a chance to ask you about the new cameras. Everything okay?”
“Fine.”
“Doesn’t sound fine, man,” Kevin said, chuckling. “Sorry. Listen, if this is about what happened on the boat, I’m so damned sorry about that drain plug. I swear I checked it and it was good. I would never want to put you or your family in danger. If there’s anything I can do to make it up to you, please let me know.”
Jed exhaled slow and rubbed his eyes, more tired than he could ever remember being. The guys had checked into every possible scenario and hadn’t found any evidence that the drain plug issue had been a deliberate act on Kevin’s part. Still, he wasn’t one to open up about his personal problems, especially to a guy he didn’t know that well. “Thanks, man. I’m fine. What about the cameras?”
“Couple more came in defective. If you want, I can take them home and fix them, like I did the others.”
“Oh, uh. I guess that’s all right, if we need them.” He glanced over at the clock. “Aren’t you about done for the day? You worked third shift last night, right?”
“Yep. Ready to head out now. I’ll take these home tonight and get them fixed. You sure you don’t need help with anything else?” Kevin lowered his voice. “Not sure what you’re dealing with, but I worked for a couple private security firms before coming to Steenman Systems. I’ve got some connections in the surveillance community, if you need them.”
“What? No. Thanks though.” Jed sat forward and typed his password to his laptop with one finger. Seemed odd for Kevin to offer that, especially since Jed hadn’t offered any clue about what was going on with Nala and Tess, but then again, he was paranoid about lots of stuff at the moment, so it could’ve just been his overprotective instincts going haywire again.
He ended the call with Kevin then checked his emails. Most of it was junk, but a few he opened. Like the advertisement from the marina. Pictures of sparkling waters and pristine white boats filled his screen. His overtaxed mind replayed images of him and Tess and Nala from happier times, before the boat sinking, before the break-in.
Two months.
Tess had been with them for two short months, and she’d managed to capture his heart and his soul. She’d brought out the best in Nala and the best in him too. She’d made their lives better, she’d brought back his happiness again, she’d all but corrected Nala’s stutter.
And he’d gone and thrown that all away.
God, he was such a putz.
He wanted to walk out into the living room and pull Tess into his arms and tell her he loved her. Tell her it had never been just about the sex for him. Never.
Then he remembered the sadness in her eyes, the way she’d pulled back from him after the awful lies he’d told last night, and knew it was over.
Done. Kaput.
The sooner he got that through his thick skull, the better.
He pulled out the paper Owen had given him again and stared at the notes. The FBI suspected the person attacking his family was someone with ties to the military, ties to the SEALs. Kevin’s weird offer came back to his mind and his suspicions grew. Maybe the guy really was involved in all this somehow. But how? And why?
26
Tess asked for a day off.
It felt weird and wrong, but she needed it. Considering she’d not taken any time for herself since she’d started working for Jed, she probably deserved it too. Now, as she rode the MARC train into DC, bumping along the tracks in the early morning sunshine, she thought she’d feel better about her decisions than she did.
Not the time off. She definitely needed that, but the fact she’d not told Jed the truth about how she felt. She’d made that mistake once before, with Theo. Waiting for the right time, the right moment to tell him how much she loved him. Then the chance for that moment was gone forever.
Repeating her past mistakes wasn’t wise.
Then again, her heart wasn’t particularly smart, so….
She sighed and connected to the free Wi-Fi on the train to check her emai
ls. She had a full day planned in the city, enough to keep her busy and keep her from dwelling on the huge mess she’d left behind at Jed’s home.
Nala was taken care of. Jed was working from home today, so he’d be with her. He’d even mentioned maybe taking her out for lunch and to a movie that afternoon. That was good. The two of them needed to spend more time together, one on one. Perhaps then Jed would see that he’d make an excellent father to Nala and change his mind about letting the little girl be adopted.
After sorting through her messages, Tess closed her phone and shoved it back into the pocket of her plaid wool coat. The temperatures had dropped below freezing the night before and frost had covered everything this morning. Fitting, given the icy reception she was getting from Jed these days.
It was hard to pinpoint exactly where they’d gone wrong. She’d done her best not to be clingy or let on that she was falling way harder and faster than she’d ever intended. She’d never asked him for more than he’d willingly offered, yet he’d given her a verbal smack in the face by blurting out that what was going on between them was sex and only sex—and sex he wasn’t even particularly interested in continuing.
She stared at the glistening crystals twinkling at the edges of the train window beside her as the scenery blurred past outside. Just sex had seemed fine to her. Just sex was great, in fact. Stupendous. Steller. Satisfying beyond anything she’d ever experienced before.
So why did she feel hollow inside?
Because she’d gone ahead and allowed Jed into her heart and soul, despite all her barriers and wishes and rules to the contrary. She’d dove head first into the deep end of the love pool and happily drowned in its waters.
Ugh. So stupid. So sad. So wrong and yet so right.
The train rumbled into Union Station. Tess blinked back the tears stinging her eyes and gathered her purse and the tote. She planned to spend the day touring the sites—Lincoln Memorial, Washington Monument, Smithsonian. She’d even made a date to have lunch with an old college friend.
Union Station was gorgeous as always as she walked out into the spacious lobby, with its soaring golden vaulted ceilings. Her feet pounded the marble floor, and she weaved around the many passengers all making their way to the exit, her cross-body bag secured across her shoulder and chest, and her tote tucked under one arm. She stopped by one of the shops for a latte and a hot pretzel sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar to eat while she strolled among the monuments. As she headed outside into the crisp morning, it felt like a bit of the cloud surrounding her since that confrontation with Jed in his office the other night lifted. She inhaled deep, glad to be able to breathe again.
Making her way through the crowds toward the Lincoln Monument, Tess couldn’t help noticing all the school kids there on field trips. It reminded her of Nala and her chest squeezed with sadness. As much as she’d fallen for Jed, she’d fallen even harder for the little girl. They were so much alike. They both loved books and silly rom-com movies and even shared the same favorite food—pasta.
As Tess waited at the corner to cross Massachusetts Avenue, her heart ached at the thought of leaving the little girl behind. She’d come so far since Tess had started working with her, both in her studies and with her stutter. But the kid was strong, resilient. She’d be fine without Tess.
Now, if Tess could just say the same thing about herself, she’d be all set.
The National Mall was crowded with people, same as always, and she stopped about halfway to the Lincoln Memorial and took a seat on a bench to eat her pretzel and down some much-needed caffeine. Hard to believe the last time she’d been here had been the night she and Jed had gone to dinner at that fancy Italian place. They’d walked here afterward and shared their first kiss.
She took a huge bite of pretzel, hoping to stop the tingling of her lips from the memory. Didn’t work. Every time she closed her eyes, she could still feel the warmth of him pressed tight to her, smell the woodsy, clean scent of his aftershave, hear the way his breath caught when her tongue had brushed against his for the first time—soft and warm and infinitely inviting.
Tenderness threatened to pull her under in a riptide of regret.
God, she was such an idiot. Why couldn’t she have stayed the course? Kept her heart protected and kept out of another situation where she wasn’t wanted and wasn’t able to save anyone, least of all herself? She’d failed with Theo and now she’d failed with Jed and Nala too. Worse, why did she always feel like it was her responsibility to save everyone? Talk about messed up.
No. The best thing she could do at this point was get out, get away, get some space and some precious perspective on things before deciding which direction to take for her future. Staying where she was would be too painful. Best to give her notice and move on. She’d carefully tucked away her earnings since working for Jed, and even though it had only been a couple of months, she’d managed to save enough to get an apartment of her own and cover her living expenses for a couple of months until she found a new job. The friend she was meeting for lunch worked at the Smithsonian. Maybe they were hiring for something. She wasn’t exactly trained for a museum position, but she loved history and learning. At this point, she’d take just about anything as long as it paid a decent wage. She’d ask her when they met.
Once she’d finished her pretzel and coffee, Tess tossed her trash in a nearby bin then continued on toward the Lincoln Monument. As she strolled through the Constitution Gardens and past the war memorials and Roosevelt Memorial, she pulled out her phone and snapped some pictures. The sun broke through the cloud above and while it wasn’t warm, it was a pretty autumn day.
A text message flashed on her screen and Tess’s heart skipped, thinking maybe it was Jed messaging to tell her he missed her and that he was sorry for what he’d said the other night. But that was silly. He had no reason to apologize because he’d done nothing wrong. She was the idiot who’d fallen for him when she knew damned well he wouldn’t return her feelings. He’d warned her more times than she could count that he wasn’t relationship material, that he wasn’t cut out for family and hearth and home. He was too busy, his job too dangerous, his past too broken and painful.
Unfortunately, even knowing that didn’t stop her from wanting him.
What a freaking mess.
Shaking her head, she tapped on the screen to see a message pop up that an online order she’d placed would be delivered the next day. Finally, some good news for a change. A couple of weeks ago, right after that initial break-in at the house, she’d ordered some books for Nala, stories she’d loved as a kid and wanted to share with her new friend to help her get through hard times. The Velveteen Rabbit. Little Women. The Crystal Cave trilogy by Mary Stewart. The Chronicles of Narnia. The Lord of the Rings. All classics. All books that had helped Tess navigate through the murky waters of being a teenager and emerge whole and intact on the other side. A bit of fantasy, a bit of strong female takes on the world, a lot of encouragement to be proud of the unique person you are.
Nala would love them. At least, Tess hoped she would.
And they’d be a nice parting gift for when she moved on to her next position.
As she stood before the massive stone monument, staring up at the sixteenth President of the United States, a man who’d saved the country from being ripped apart, Tess couldn’t help feeling the sting of her own failure even more acutely. Maybe if she’d tried harder or done something differently, she could’ve avoided all the pain searing through her now.
But if she’d done things differently, then she would’ve missed out on having Jed, on getting to know Nala, on having the family she’d always wanted, even if only for a little while.
No. She wouldn’t change a thing, no matter how hard it was now. She climbed the steps up to the monument, taking a deep breath as she went. If she’d learned anything from Theo’s tragic end, it was to live without regrets. As she lost herself in the crowds and the beauty of the memorial, she vowed never to make that mistake again
.
Hours later, Tess was back on the train home, body exhausted and mind whirling with new information and experiences. The day had been great. Lunch with her friend had been fun. And best of all, her friend had taken her to the human resources office where she’d met with one of the Smithsonian’s museum managers and had done an impromptu interview for a Rights-Reproduction Specialist/Digital Assets Manager position. Tess didn’t have the necessary job experience, but the HR person had said that her PhD would substitute well enough for that. Things had gone so well, in fact, that the manager had invited Tess back the following week for a second interview.
As she rode home to Baltimore, she contemplated how strangely life turned sometimes. Her feet ached from all the walking and her stomach was still full from the huge lunch she and her friend had eaten at Bistro Bis. She’d stuffed herself on French cuisine. Jed would’ve loved the place, with its old-world dark cherry wood décor and Rat Pack vibe. She half expected to see Dean Martin walk out with Frank Sinatra in tow. Then she remembered that Jed would never see the place, at least not with her. She pushed her feelings down with another croissant and a second glass of wine.
Her friend, Anna, had left her at Union Station with a kiss and hug and a promise that if Tess needed a place to stay once she moved to DC, there’d always be an available spot in her guest room. They could be roomies again, just like they’d been in college.
But now as she headed back toward Baltimore and Jed, Tess couldn’t help but wonder how she’d leave him behind when all she wanted was to stay forever. It was dumb, she knew, to want someone so much who didn’t want her in return, but there she was. Right back where she’d sworn never to be again.
27
The next day, Jed sat at his desk at the warehouse, going over a stack of paperwork that had accumulated while he’d worked from home the day before. Not that he regretted spending the day with Nala. Just the opposite, in fact. Considering that he’d soon have to decide what he was going to do about her adoption, any days they spent together now were treasured.