by Cosca, Paul
She got her shit together after he left, but the thing about addicts is that they never really stop being an addict. Maybe they quit coke and pick up vodka. Drop cigarettes and pick up speed. Whatever. She bounced around like that for a long time.
Whether she’s thinking about it or not, I’m not sure. But just speaking about cigarettes is enough to make her reach for the pack tucked in her pocket. She smokes as we walk, grimy street lights barely illuminating the sidewalks. I still feel a little uncomfortable walking around here, and with her. But she knows the way, and the people around here seem to know her. I guess I’m safe as long as I’m with her.
I don’t even like talking about this shit. I mean, I’m here now and we’re talking about it. And it’s not like I hate talking about it because it’s painful or whatever. I just hate it because I feel so stupid. I hate feeling so cliché. I hate that. When you’re a kid, and something bad happens to you, you are supposed to rise up and do something really great. That’s what you see on the news all the time, right? Some kid gets stuffed in a burlap sack and beat with rakes and goes on to become some world famous heart surgeon or something, you know? That’s what people want to hear. Otherwise it feels like...fuckin’ statistics or something. And that makes me feel stupid. I don’t want to be a statistic. But...fuck, here I am, right? And this is how it really is. For every kid who goes through something shitty and ends up doing great
things, there’s a hundred others who go through a shitty thing and then fail.
Anyway, my mom ended up with a guy named Dale. She was with him longer than anybody, and I was about twelve when they got together. Before that, we were pretty close to homeless, and he had a nice little house and a job. So we just moved in with him. That let my mom become even more dependent. He didn’t care much about me that first year. They got high a lot. He went to work and came home. They had loud sex a lot. Standard stuff, I guess. But like I said before, my mom just had one of those personalities. Addictive. She got stuck on stuff so quick. It wasn’t too long before she was back on the hard shit. And I don’t know if you’ve ever been around someone real heavy into dope, but they’re not a lot of fun. They’re tired and sick all the time. So Dale would go to work, come home, and instead of having sex they would fight a lot. Or he’d drink and yell at the TV while she slept. And then, at some point, he remembered I was around.
I don’t really want to get into it too much...I mean, yeah, it’s what you think. And it sucked. It meant I lost my virginity at thirteen. It’s not a thing I wanted, but he broke it down for me pretty simple: either I could give him what he wanted once and awhile, or we could get the hell out of his house. I was really upset about it, especially at first. But I felt like I had to be the adult. And to a thirteen-year-old girl, being the adult can mean all kinds of crazy shit.
At first I tried to fight it. I knew I had to do it, but I still fought it. Pretty much just instinct, you know? Like if you’re choking, you’re going to try to cough it up. That’s really what it was. My body was trying to reject the whole situation. But after awhile, maybe a couple months of this going on every other day or so, the reflex to fight died off. And then...I just went away. I’ve read that a lot from other people who’ve gone through bad shit like that. Something happens that is so beyond what you can process, and you just check out. Pack your bags and let your brain hop on a train somewhere.
When that was going on, I thought about being someone else. Someone in a better situation. With a better life. Anyone that wasn’t me. And the more I thought about it, the more real it felt. There were times when I swear I could see myself totally outside of my body, like I was a totally different person in the room. Watching some strange man hurt some strange young girl. They weren’t people I knew at all.
See, I’ve thought about this part of it a lot. When I found out I was Enhanced, I did a lot of research on it. Found books and magazines and stuff. And it seems like, for all the stuff we know about being Enhanced, there’s way more we don’t know. There’s not nearly as much information on it as there is on...I don’t know, cancer or something. But when it comes to Enhancements in the brain, there’s a lot of shit that’s a complete mystery. They think they know...but I think they’re wrong. See, the stuff I read about it all says that Enhancements are really specific. Like...maybe you can read minds or push things over by thinking about it. And you’ll never develop anything different. I just don’t think that’s true.
What I think...and I guess I’m not anybody, so who the fuck knows if I’m right, but I think that if you’ve got mental Enhancements like me, then you start with potential. And then whatever you focus on, what’s what ends up being your strength. I have to believe that, because that’s what happened to me. There’s just no way that my Enhancement and my life matched up by coincidence. No way. I don’t have a fucking screenwriter or something for my life. Coincidences don’t happen like that.
See, this shit was happening to me like four times a week for years. I was spending all this time completely checking out from the real world. And I felt like I was getting better at it, whatever that meant. It felt...more solid. It felt like I was totally abandoning myself to whatever was going on, and it turns out I was right.
I was seventeen when I really found out about it. Dale came home
drunk. He’d been drinking a lot more in that last year. He got rough sometimes, but it’s not like he was some great guy before, so it wasn’t too different. Anyway, that night something must have really pissed him off, because he came in looking for a fight. I was just doing homework or whatever and he starts yelling at me. I told him to fuck off, which usually just made him grumble, but this time he punched me right in the jaw. I checked out instantly.
I could see myself there, lying on the floor. He was standing over me, and he looked...furious. He was a lot bigger than me, and I knew there really wasn’t anything I could do. If he wanted to really hurt me, he was going to do it. And it’s weird, being in that place. I’m there...but I’m not. It’s like I’m looking through someone else’s eyes. Kinda like looking through binoculars...that’s not right, but I don’t know how else to describe it.
He reached down and turned me over, and I saw the weirdest look on his face. He looked so...confused. And he said something, but it took me a second to realize what it was because I wasn’t expecting it. He called me “Connie”. But...that’s not my name. That’s my mom’s name, and we don’t look anything alike. She’s almost a foot shorter than me and has brown hair. Believe it or not, this red hair is actually mine. So, we don’t look anything alike. And I wondered...what the fuck is he actually seeing? So I checked back in again and that look on his face got even weirder. He stared at me for a few seconds and then left the house.
I didn’t give him the opportunity to get his shit together. I packed my stuff into a backpack and said goodbye to my mom. She was sleeping...I don’t know if she heard me or not. I didn’t go far, just couch surfing with friends to start. But nobody came looking for me, so I figured it would be best if I just got out of town. If Dale changed his mind about finding me, I wanted to be real far away.
I hung around Portland, Redding, Sacramento. Stayed with a guy in
Tahoe for a while. You ever been there? It’s so beautiful there. I hope heaven looks like that. I stayed with a guy, but I can’t really be with one person for too long. Eventually, they have to find out what my brain does, and it freaks them out. At some point, I check out and they see someone totally different where I used to be. I loved the guy in Tahoe...but nothing lasts. Nothing. So I ended up here, thinking I’d make a few bucks and move on. That was five years ago, and I never left.
I hate this fucking city. I fucking hate it with everything I have in my soul. But at the same time, I don’t think I could ever leave. And I hate it because I’m exactly the person who’s supposed to be here. Vegas is where you go when you don’t want to be yourself. And that’s what I do. When someone pays to be with me, I check out and they get to see who
ever they really want to see. I’m exactly what they want, because I’m not anybody. They don’t fuck me. They fuck their secretary. Boss. High school sweetheart. Sister in law. Stepdaughter. I don’t know. I can’t see what they see. I just know it isn’t me.
And you know, I really don’t worry. For everything in life, there’s a worst case scenario. And here, what’s the worst that can happen? I don’t have any family to worry about. Nobody has to worry about me. So I just check out and let them do whatever they want to whoever they imagine. What’s really the worst that could happen. Someone could kill me? Yeah...yeah they could. But would that really be worse than Vegas?
March 15th, 1998
Jackson is working on his third cigarette. I’ve returned with drinks for both of us, coffee for him and hot chocolate for me. Unfortunately, by the time I get back to the bench, the drinks are cold. Jackson says nothing, but takes off his gloves and gingerly takes my cup away from me. In a couple moments, both of our drinks are steaming again. Just before they begin to boil, Jackson hands the cup back to me. It’s like seeing a magician at work. He gives a wan smile and puts his gloves back on.
JACKSON: I tell ya, man. The days are getting colder. Every year it’s a little colder and a little colder. Does it feel like that to you? Shit, man. Maybe I’m just gettin’ old. Huh. There ain’t no maybe about it. I’m old. And man, nothin’ makes you feel old like realizin’ that you the last. You don’t never want to be the last. Better to die young then to have to be the one rememberin’ everybody else. That’s what I think sometimes, ‘cause now all I got is memories. Shit, I been around long enough that they ain’t even any more funerals for me to go to. Feels like I’m eighty years old, even though I’m not. They’re just...they’re gone.
Sally was cremated. They never did find a body for T, so we just had a service. Johnny J was gone the same day, but at least we could bury him. Emilio went when the big epidemic hit. 1983, I think? Kenny went the same way in ‘91. Then there was that other mother fucker. The one that ruined it all. He went with T, I guess. Nobody saw him after it all. So it’s been just me for years now, man. Things got real quiet. Real slow. I’m glad I’m gettin’ the chance to talk to you about all this. Truth is, nobody wants to hear about it anymore, ‘cause I guess they all heard it already. Nobody wants to hear the same shit twice.
1972 was a real bad year on the south side. We always had trouble with the gangs and shit, but that summer there was a new one that came up. The 99 Crew is what they called themselves, and they was some vicious
mother fuckers. They wasn’t worried about drugs and hos and shit like that. No, they was blowing up cars and kidnappin’ folks. There was a big part of me that wanted to get out and stop all that shit, but Johnny J said no. He was real firm about it. He took Sally’s death hard, and he didn’t want no part of that. But I guess it still wanted a part of him.
Johnny J’s little sister...Tracy was a real cool little girl. She wasn’t even thirteen and she was smart as hell. She wasn’t Enhanced, at least not like anybody could see, but she didn’t have no problem with any of us. She would have been a real cool chick. But one day the 99 Crew rolled up next to her school and started blastin’ when the kids were at recess. Fuckin’ cowards, man. After that, there wasn’t no stoppin’ Johnny J.
I don’t need to get into all that shit with the 99 crew. That’s not what all this is about anyway. We spent the summer tryin’ to track those motherfuckers down, and finally we did. Got ‘em clean. Nobody got hurt. And we wasn’t trying to public with it or nothin’. We wasn’t lookin’ to get famous, we just wanted to take ‘em down. But I guess if you do somethin’ worth talkin’ about, then people is gonna talk.
When we took down the 99 Crew, shit started gettin’ real crazy in our lives. Emilio was in charge of anything that had to do with interviews, stuff like that. I guess any of us could’a done it, but I never liked speakin’ in public. I don’t wanna sound like some ignorant nigga, and that’s what gettin’ in front of folks makes me feel like. But we was taking’ pictures all over the place and we were on the news a lot. And then we heard they wanted to give us a key to the city.
Can you believe it, man? I wasn’t shit, and they wanted to give me a key to the city. Just ‘cause we was helping get back for what they done to Tracy. Man, I was over the moon. I was so goddamn happy about it. We got some shit about it from folks in the ‘hood, but I knew they was impressed, too.
On the day of it, they sent down big cars to get us. I got dressed up in a suit I borrowed from a friend of mine and they took us up to city hall. There were press folks there, from newspapers and TV and everything. The police chief spoke. And then Mayor Daley spoke. And I’m talkin’ the Mayor Daley, man. No shit. If my dad had been alive he would have flipped with Daley talkin’ about me.
We all were given big keys on these nice wood plaques, then Emilio got up there to, you know, answer some questions. Most of it was just simple stuff, shit we’d already talked about before. You know, “Where are you from?” or “Do you got a secret identity like Batman?” Just fun shit. But this one guy stands up, he’s wearing a hat and a big coat and everything, and he asks what our Enhancements are. So Emilio goes through it all, and then this cat asks “Can any of you fly?” Everyone laughed a little, but I wasn’t laughing. There was something about it that made me feel real weird.
Emilio says “No, but I sure would like to see that. I don’t think it’s possible.” And the guy says “Really? Because I know someone who can.” Some people laugh...but not as many, ya know? That kind of weird feeling was spreadin’ around. There was a...tension. Everyone got real quiet, and this guy comes up to the stage. He says “If you want to see real power, watch closely. I’ll show you power.” Then he took off the hat and the coat.
I thought we all looked pretty fancy in our suits, ya know? But this guy...Before that I hadn’t never seen someone in a real superhero costume. He was wearin’ this bronze helmet on his head. Real shiny. And his whole outfit was that color. Head to toe, man. He had black gloves and black boots, but everything else was that bronze color. He even had this long bronze colored cape, and that shit looked fancy as hell. There was a black letter “S” on his chest. He says “My name is Synapse. And I am the future.” And then...man, he showed us a miracle.
I figured right then, somethin’ was gonna happen. Either he was
gonna do somethin’ absolutely amazin’, or he was just gonna look like a fool and everybody was gonna laugh. But nobody was laughin’. He held his arms out and his cape started to move a little. And it was like…whadd’ya call that shit...like an optical illusion? Like my eyes was playing tricks on me. I was watchin’ him...and I wasn’t even realizing’ that my eyes were goin’ up higher and higher, because he was going higher and higher. And then it hit me all of a sudden...this cat is like five feet off the ground. And he keeps on goin’ up.
Now the room we was in, the ceiling was like twenty feet tall, and he was almost at the top of it. He turns all the way around so we can all see him. He says “I am the future. After this, the world will never be the same. I am Synapse, and I am now protecting this city, along with the other heroes here. Crime has no place. Evil has no home. This is the city of heroes.” And man, everyone in the room lost their fuckin’ minds.
At first I was just like everybody else. I was clappin’ and all that. It was amazin’, man. This guy was floating. He was flying. It don’t matter that I’m Enhanced. It don’t even matter that I’d seen my friends do all kinds of crazy shit. This guy was flyin’, and that...there ain’t nothin’ like it. It was a miracle, man. But then, it all kind of hit me. Everybody was askin’ him questions...this was supposed to be our day, ya know? I was standin’ there, holding this stupid key like it meant somethin’. Lookin’ like a fool while this guy was gettin’ all the attention. Now, I don’t need people givin’ me all kinds of attention...but it felt good for a moment, ya know? And it hurt that all the thunder was gone. I’m man enough to admit that shit. B
ut then he did somethin’ I didn’t never expect.
He came back down to the ground, and someone asked him what he was gonna do now. I was surprised he even remembered us, but he looked back and he said “If these heroes behind me will have me, I’d love to join them in protecting this city.” Well shit, man. My jaw was on the fuckin’ floor, ‘cause I didn’t think about that. But like I said before, Emilio thinks a lot
faster than anybody else, so he got right up and said “Of course. We’d love to join forces to make Chicago safer.” And that’s how we ended up with Synapse. That...that was the beginning of the end, man.
It took some time before anything actually happened. The first couple weeks we all just hung around, thinking maybe that whole thing was just for show, ya know? Like, nothin’ was gonna come of it. But I guess Synapse was just plannin’. And I can fault that cat for a lot of shit, but you couldn’t never say he didn’t have plans. That’s the kind of shit he was real good at.
Anyway, it was only two weeks and we met up with him. Turns out he’d gotten this space for us to use, like a headquarters, and he had a whole business plan and everything. A business plan. Can you believe it? Shit, man. I didn’t never think about doing that kind of thing as a business. But Synapse had the whole plan, man. We all got costumes, real nice ones! And there was ads on ‘em. Yeah. I felt like I was one of those Nascar cars, with the ads all over. But at the same time, I got to quit my job at the packing plant. Gotta be happy about that.
Snow begins to gently fall around us, and the clouds blot out the sun. The Spot is even more apparent with the clouds behind it.
I know that there’s lots of folks who hate Synapse. And man, I do too. But...he wasn’t a bad guy. He did some bad shit. He really did. But I know he really was tryin’ to be a good guy. I can’t say I was ever his friend or nothin’...I didn’t even know his name. But that don’t mean he was a bad guy.