My parents grew up in a time of economic and political stability and as a result had few problems. For example, as they were well off, no boy could achieve my age and still be unmarried. The father would do all that is needed to marry him, but nowadays the boy must help himself in everything that is required to marry. (Twenty-five-year-old man, Nyanza-Lac)
A number of poor young men – the young IDPs in Ruhororo camp, doing nothing all day and without hope for a better future; the self-demobilized, feeling that their sacrifices are totally neglected and without impact on their lives; and orphans, cut off from their families and without access to land – told us that they would never marry – a sure sign of their sense of despair and social exclusion. This was talked about with great frustration, defeat, and shame. Listen to the words of this twenty-nine-year-old from Ruhororo when we asked him whom he wanted to marry:
I could never list the qualities of my future spouse if I don’t have the slightest plan for marriage. Who would accept to come and live with me in my misery? But the woman I would like to have would be dynamic and would accept to try and earn her living working for others like I do. On top of it, I’d love it if she would respect me notwithstanding my poverty.
Young men seek, of course, to respond to the tough situation they are in. We have already documented that urban migration is a widespread and at least partially successful answer to the challenges of marriage faced by young men. Many of those we met in the city told us they had come to earn sufficient money to be able to marry, they were building a house in their region of origin, or they had already married and returned here to earn further money for the survival of their households.
Another prevalent strategy for managing the hardships of traditional marriage is to engage in ‘unofficial’ or illegal marriages, also called ‘cohabitation’ or ‘informal union’ in the literature. While this is illegal in Burundi, many interviewees described how they and others around them are doing it. All interviewees who talked about unofficial marriage linked it to poverty and the inability of men to come up with marriage-related expenses.
Young men proceed with illegal cohabitation to avoid the festivity expenditures. Since I returned, there have not been many who have had ceremonies – less than ten – but many have married illegally. (Returned male refugee living in a remote part of Ruhororo)
In previous times, authorities prohibited it, but now it is difficult to do because a lot of young men must do it because of poverty. How could one imprison them? It is difficult because today few marry legally. (Thirty-three-year-old man in Ruhororo IDP camp)
Those who are rich do other activities outside of agriculture like animal husbandry and commerce. The majority of them are officially married. The poor live entirely on agriculture, and are not able to have enough means to have an official marriage so they cohabitate illegally. (Thirty-three-year-old demobilized soldier, Busiga)
Sometimes young men engage in illicit marriage. In principle, all marriage should be legal but it is hard to make this happen. The youth say they are just borrowing the woman until they are ready to buy her. (Fifty-one-year-old returned IDP farmer, Nyanza-Lac)
A trend toward greater cohabitation has also been identified in other parts in Africa, from urban Mozambique to rural Kenya (Amuyunzu-Nyamongo and Francis 2006: 226; Agadjanian 2002). Cohabitation is still seen as less desirable than legal marriage, but what is interesting is that Burundian society seems to consider it understandable and excusable: we heard far fewer condemnations of the practice than a few decades ago; it was usually described as an understandable solution to a tough problem. Some talked of it as an intermediary step to an official marriage – with couples living together for some years while saving for the legal marriage.2 During this period, the young man might still seek permission from his ‘bride’s’ father to marry, and eventually follow the appropriate steps to a legal marriage (bride wealth, ceremony). In the meantime, however, the couple will likely have children, and the young man will still have financial responsibility for his partner. As a result, some other young men told us that they do not see unofficial marriage as a solution to financial stress.
It is important to observe that while the normalization of informal marriage contributes to social stability, the cost of it is largely borne by women. Indeed, such arrangements put her at risk – if she is thrown out or if he leaves, she is left without legal recourse and often with children, and not welcomed back by her parents. Especially in the city, we met many women who were in that situation, and they were often very badly off.
It is impossible for us to say how frequent this is: how many people who informally marry stay together forever in this informal manner? How many eventually regularize their marriage? One of my drivers did so after twenty-two years of living together and four children, so it is always possible. How many informal marriages dissolve? How many break up, but are renewed after some time? We came across many men for whom the dream of marrying persisted. This unemployed self-demobilized ex-combatant from Kamenge is typical: ‘if my situation improved I could go and live with my son and his mother: I would like that, if she is still available.’ This wish reflects a value deeply embedded in Burundian culture: fathers should do everything possible to support and raise their children, even those born outside marriage.
Adaptation to hardship: young men and the age of marriage An overwhelming majority of interviewees indicated that the age at which young men are marrying is rising as a result of poverty. These results are identical to those observed in other parts of sub-Saharan Africa (Barker and Ricardo 2006: 156; Richards 2006: 203). In Ngozi province, the poorest rural area we worked in, there was near consensus that the age of marriage for young men is rising.
Some young men my age are married, but those are the very rich ones. Others do get married, but this is very difficult. If you don’t have enough food to feed yourself, it is very difficult to feed a second mouth. I have learned not to marry early – I want sufficient economic basis first. My parents disagree and want me to marry, but I refuse, I want to wait. (Seventeen-year-old male, from a higher economic category, Busiga)
The marriage age is increasing. I am at the age to get married, but I will only do it in two or three years because I need to save to prepare the marriage and to ensure the life of myself and my children. For those who are not capable of that, they even have to wait beyond twenty-five years old, or abandon their plans entirely. (Nineteen-year-old male, Ruhororo)
While there was a general sense that young men who are able to marry closer to the traditional age (loosely defined as nineteen to twenty-one for young men) are more highly regarded, delays in marriage are considered understandable. This twenty-one-year-old man in the IDP camp spoke about the continued tension between traditional expectations and changing norms: ‘Men who stay unmarried long are partly looked upon badly by society. But on the other hand, it is understood because of the great cost.’ But significant regional variation exists. In Nyanza-Lac, for example, young men are able to marry at a traditional (younger) age because of their access to productive land and trade opportunities.
The marriage age has not at all increased here because our region is hot and consequently young people marry early. Many young men manage to earn money early and do not wait long to marry. We imitate, in fact, the model of our parents. (Twenty-seven-year-old male IDP)
In principle girls marry at eighteen and boys at twenty-one. But here it is a hot region, and one can even marry before that age [he did at twenty]. Of course, it is all a matter of free choice and some marry later, but in general one cannot be older than twenty-five without being married. (Thirty-three-year-old refugee)
Although there was nearly unanimous agreement that the marriage age is rising for men in much of the country, there was less of a consensus about young women. Invoking different arguments, people told us that the marriage age for young women has risen, stayed the same, or fallen. The most common explanation for a rise in the marriage age of women is that the
ir situation is dependent on young men. Some told us, however, that even though men postpone marriage, they still prefer to marry younger women. As a woman ages, she is less desirable, and thus less likely to be proposed to. For her, as well, this creates a hardship as she fails to reach the basic hallmark of femininity and independence – and will likely suffer psychological and social consequences as a result. Listen to these three farmers from a remote colline in Ruhororo.
The only difference between young women and young men is that a girl my age does not have much of a chance to get married anymore. Whereas a young man can do it at any age. (Thirty-four-year-old man)
The marriage age has increased a lot! As a result, girls become old without ever finding a husband, and boys engage in illegal cohabitation. (Twenty-two-year-old woman)
For girls it is even worse because the crisis has killed more men than women and hence the number of women exceeds the number of men. Also, if a girl goes beyond twenty years, it is rare that she can easily find a candidate, if she hasn’t studied. Boys prefer the least old girls. (Nineteen-year-old man)
This respondent touched upon a point brought up by several: one of the effects of the war has been a loss of significant numbers of men, which limits marriage possibilities for young women. The war created not only a surplus of young, single women, but also a substantial number of widows. In the face of competition, and with young men struggling to come up with enough resources to marry, women may be more willing than previously to enter into unofficial marriages or even polygamy to avoid remaining single. This thirty-year-old widow from Ruhororo told us:
As a widow, I would like to remarry but it is difficult to find a husband in this period after the war. Look around you, and observe for yourself, that here in this marshland it is basically exclusively women cultivating. Who would marry a widow when there are so many girls who don’t easily find a husband?
Widows are clearly one of the most disadvantaged groups in Burundian society. We heard sad stories of widows abused by family members, ostracized by their communities, losing access to land, and living in destitution.
We also heard repeated references to unmarried and married men having covert relations with widows – a way to have sexual relations with a woman without having the financial responsibility of marriage. A group of young men from the Ruhororo IDP camp explained to us, ‘sometimes men see [a euphemism for having sexual relations with] a widow in her own house, but they would not build a second house for her. Widows often have relations with married men, because they need to financially.’ Windows, financially vulnerable, are less desirable for having already been married and are not given the same level of respect as unmarried young women.
In Ngozi, there were a handful of participants who explained that the marriage age for young women is falling. In Bujumbura, this perspective was unanimous. The explanation provided is a that young women agree to marry earlier (sometimes before the legal age of eighteen, and often unofficially) in an attempt to improve their dire financial situations. The following are from participants in Bujumbura:
Young women live pretty much like young men (very poor). There are those who want to escape this life by all means, even prostitution. Others marry very young to be protected by a husband. (Twenty-four-year-old male, Musaga)
Poverty brings girls to marry very young. Their lives change because when they need something their husbands are there to give it to them. (Eighteen-year-old male, Musaga)
I had to marry very young because life was difficult at home without my parents. (Twenty-year-old female, Kamenge)
In short, while the marriage age for men has risen, there is good evidence to suggest that this is not the case for women. The effects of the war on marriage are different for men and women as well. For both, the war created further impoverishment, making it hard to lead the lives they socially value. This is especially painful for men, as their entire self-worth is caught up in being able to provide for a family. But the war does not seem to be the only driving force in these changes: rather, economic impoverishment and the decline in land availability are the crucial drivers, and as a result major regional variations exist between those areas where land scarcity is not (yet) a major problem and those where it is.
Burundian society also seems rather flexible in its capacity to face up to this new given. Men marry later, and there seem to be few social sanctions on that – people understand. But there are more mechanisms at work. The requirements for marriage are being relaxed as well. Many young men told us that instead of building a new house, for example, it was enough to add a room to one’s parents’ house – a far cheaper proposition. Many others said that informal marriage, saving on the costs associated with marriage, was on the rise, and generally socially accepted. The widespread availability of these options for many men may mean that the dynamic observed in West Africa does not occur in Burundi: young men are not systematically excluded from the relationships market to the profit of old men, and there is thus less of a generational or sexual conflict that might feed into civil war.
It can be argued that men drew benefits from the war in terms of their position in the marriage market: there are many more women available now, both young and not so young, including widows, and men are more powerful than ever in dictating the terms of their relations with women, especially in the city, where social control is weak. This includes polygamy, sexual relations with widows or with students, affairs with other women, and so on. It is clear that the costs of this accommodation are borne by women, who find themselves in tenuous relations or with no protection at all.
Upholding tradition: young men and young women The following section will take a closer look at the answers given to our expectations questions: ‘What makes a “good” young woman or young man, what is expected of daughters and sons? What do you look for when choosing a spouse?’ The majority of these answers are in line with what is understood as traditional masculine and feminine ideals throughout Africa.
With regard to young men, the majority of responses clustered around a set of connected themes: young men are expected to earn money, work hard, get married, and, foremost, support their parents, wife, and children.
My wife expects that I as a man work hard and fulfill the needs of the family. I must be responsible and make the right moves at the right moment. For example, as the school year is about to start again I must already start thinking of buying books and uniforms for my children. (Twenty-eight-year-old male migrant, Nyanza-Lac)
My parents expect me to create a family and have children and provide them with a solid basis for living, that is to say have a stable and reliable income source. (Twenty-eight-year-old self-demobilized soldier, Kamenge)
TABLE 6.1 Traditional expectations of young men and young women
Expectations Young men Young women Non-gender-specified Total
Support parents/spouse/children 55 7 15 77
Work hard 24 36 3 63
Be obedient 25 22 15 62
Marry 23 14 12 49
Be polite/respect 9 28 9 46
Have morality 16 25 4 45
Earn money 28 0 11 39
Responsible 13 16 4 33
Do housework 2* 14 0 16
Stay close to home 5 4 2 11
Note: * These two young men (from different regions) said that housework is supposed to be done by girls, but in families with no girls – such as theirs – housework has to be undertaken by boys.
In short, the first dictate of a man’s life is to work and be a provider (Turner 2004). This traditional set of values regarding male responsibility was the most frequently named expectation in urban and rural areas, by men and by women, by youth and by adults. This sheds light on the deep capitalist attitude we discussed in the previous chapter – this sense of never giving up on working hard, trying to make it, taking individual responsibility: what is at stake here for young men is not only their physical survival but their very social identity and dignity. It also acts as a reminder that mascul
inity leads first and foremost to responsibility – not to violence.
Another group of answers clearly describes a second major stream of expectations of young men, namely to be ‘obedient,’ ‘polite,’ ‘have morality,’ and ‘stay close to home.’ These expectations relate to young men’s relations with family, and especially parents. They are the traditional values of good behavior. This set of values was much more prevalent in rural areas than in the city: morality, for example, was mentioned in 18 percent of the answers in the countryside but in only 1 percent in the city; for obedience the scores were 15 percent versus 3 percent. Clearly, then, this second stream of values is subject to social change: in the city, it seems, it is eroding.
Expectations regarding young women are similar to those for young men, but they are prioritized differently. For young women, the stream of values of obedience, moral behavior, and politeness and respectfulness comes first. The proportions of answers centering on ‘obedience’ and on ‘morality’ are three times higher for women than for men; ‘politeness and respectfulness’ score six times higher. Listening to parents, coming home on time, not hanging out with boys, and, more generally, sexual chastity and virtuous behavior – these come up over and over in the conversations. These values were spoken of in equal proportions by male and female interviewees as well as by those over and under the age of thirty, indicating that they are deeply internalized within society and not subject to much change. The main differentiation, again, is between rural areas and the city. ‘Obedience,’ for example, was mentioned for women by 35 percent of interviewees in rural areas and 20 percent in urban ones, and pretty much the same proportions prevailed for morality. Hence, as with men, it seems that expectations of women are being challenged by urbanization and migration.
Life After Violence Page 14