I’ll bet you know what it’s like, on some level, to question your worth. I’m convinced that’s why we allow people into our lives who don’t belong there. I certainly did. When we feel incapable, overwhelmed, or rejected, attention from anyone can start looking good, and our discernment about who to let in and who to keep out can get muddied. But it doesn’t have to be that way. If we can see our own worth, we won’t have to look to someone else to give it to us.
The second reason I wrote this: my three daughters. At ages eight, six, and almost three, they light up my world. As I look at their sweet, innocent faces, I’m not foolish enough to think that something like this—being abused in some way in a relationship—will never happen to them. I certainly hope it doesn’t, but if it does, I want them to know I’ve been there, I understand, and they can always count on me.
I will fight with every fierce bone in my body for my girls. And I think you should fight with every fierce bone in your body too—for you. Or for your friend, your daughter, or whoever you know who’s living with the pain of abuse. Fight to find healing, understanding, and peace. And, if need be, safety.
Each of us has a different story. Not everyone needs to leave her partner. We don’t want to abandon people who need help. Your answer might not be to get out—only you know what’s right in your situation. And my purpose isn’t to demonize people who are abusive. They’re wounded and hurting in their own way. But please hear this: until someone is healthy enough to treat you with civility, dignity, and respect, that person isn’t healthy enough to be in your life.
Abusive people need to be willing to do what it takes to own their mistakes and break that cycle. That doesn’t mean they have to be perfect. No one is. But they have to be emotionally stable enough to deal with conflict without resorting to abuse. And they have to be willing to get help if they aren’t.
If the abusive person in your life can’t recognize that he or she needs help or isn’t willing to get it, you have every right to leave. When you’re in danger, you have every right to get out. Yes, it’s excruciating. No one wants to feel as though he or she has abandoned someone. But you deserve happiness and peace. No matter what you’ve done or where you’ve been.
This book isn’t a fairy tale. It’s about a real-life struggle to find my own sense of worth. I can’t fight this battle for you. I can’t make it sound like this is easy to conquer, because it isn’t. What I can do is commit to being in your corner—rooting for your victory over your own self-doubt. That’s what this is really about: discovering your own value in this world.
We can’t change what has happened. We can’t ignore abuse or deny it or act like it won’t happen again. What we can do is see it differently so it doesn’t haunt us anymore. Only then will we be able to let go of fear and regret.
Abuse is wrong. Period. Just because you can live beyond it doesn’t mean it was all right that it happened. It just means you’ve discovered the strength you always had but never knew existed.
No one is immune from experiencing a miracle. I’m living proof of that. I spent half of my life subconsciously thinking I wasn’t worthy of real love or success. Once I finally fell to my knees in transparent prayer and handed my pain over to God, the light came back on. Finding my faith in its full strength helped me to grasp the courage I’d given up on, even though it was always present. I was the one who gave up on God—He never gave up on me.
There’s a miracle just waiting for you to see it on the other side of all of this. I’m not special. It happens to anyone who can learn to live with an open heart again. That’s how we’re born—open and loving and strong. Even if you don’t feel it right now, you are still that way.
My hope is that this journey has helped you find the beautiful person inside you again. My hope for you is big. Hang on to hope, my friends. Hang on to hope.
With love and hugs,
Christi
Exercises and Resources
Appendix 1
Let’s Get Real: The Exercises
These mental exercises are intended to help you use what hurt you to make you stronger. They take time. You most likely won’t finish this in a day or even a week, but don’t give up. Take as much time as you need. Use that time for quiet reflection and introspection in your gut. Sit down in a place where you won’t be interrupted, and simply get real with yourself. No one else has to see this list, so don’t be afraid of being brutally honest with yourself. That honesty, no matter how ugly you might think it is at times, can actually be your springboard to healing.
Now, let me also say this is a practice that helped me immensely, but that doesn’t mean it works for everyone. It can be difficult and painful. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you can’t embrace it right away or if you have to walk away from it for a while and come back later. (Or if you don’t come back at all.) That’s perfectly up to you. Dr. Case calls me a “digger.” I like to be introspective and figure things out. I know not everyone is like that, so cut yourself some slack if you hit a wall.
There are three parts to this exercise: (1) the “Benefiting from the Hurt” list, (2) “The Worst Things Anyone Has Ever Said to Me” list, and (3) your “You” list.
I’ve included some of my own answers here—the ones I gave when I first made these lists—to help you if you find yourself stuck. I understand. I was stuck, too, at times. It’s in those moments when you have to really clear your head and just let answers show up. Concentrate on your experiences, what you’ve learned from them, and how they’ve changed you.
Try to come up with at least ten to fifteen answers to each question. But if you have more, keep going! It means you’re on to something, and that’s a good thing.
Your answers can be as simple or profound as you choose. For instance, in asking myself, “What is the benefit of being alone?” I realized I was free to make my own decisions without asking anyone else’s permission, and I could listen to whatever music I chose as loudly as I wanted to.
Lastly, I want to encourage you not to be afraid of this. This is about you and what makes you tick. There aren’t any definite right or wrong answers.
We all have one life. We owe it to ourselves to gain a profound sense of who we are, discover what’s important to us, and feel our place in this world. My wish for you is that you find all those things—and more!
The “Benefiting from the Hurt” List
Imagine something or someone you think caused you pain or problems. Now answer these questions:
1. How did that serve me or give me some benefit or advantage I haven’t acknowledged yet?
Note: The benefit of this question is that you can finally stop yourself from experiencing something in a certain way. Sure, if you’ve had pain, you’ve had pain. Nothing will change that. However, hidden within the same event that caused you pain, you can also find opportunity, wisdom, and experience of a different kind. These benefits can serve you in a positive way, bringing out meaningful parts of yourself that you can hold on to and acknowledge.
This question helped open my eyes to see and understand that verbal abuse, though painful, was one of my greatest teachers and an important ingredient in the success I now experience.
As you think about the following questions, remember to aim for ten to fifteen answers for each.
How did verbal abuse serve me?
My answer: It made me more mindful of the words I use; it helped me identify and set boundaries; and it made me more independent.
What is the benefit of being alone?
My answer: I have the freedom to set my own schedule; I can find quiet time in the sanctuary of my own home; I can learn to be a “handywoman” and take care of things around the house myself.
How is feeling betrayed helping me?
My answer: I’m learning to depend on myself; I’m learning to better assess who I can and can’t trust.
Again, imagine something or someone you think caused you pain or problems. Now answer these questions:
2. If the painful situation had never happened, what would have been the disadvantage, or what wouldn’t have happened that I now value?
Note: The benefit of this question is this—you find out the life you imagined without the painful or problematic person or experience may not be the life you truly want. No matter what has happened to you or who you think has destroyed you, you are a human being with a unique life that is important and purposeful. There is something in you that is deeply satisfying about claiming your life—in all its forms.
This question helped me so much. For years I wished I could pluck certain experiences out of my past, thinking my life would be better without them. Not so. When I worked through these questions, I found out that I want my life—all of it. Who would I be today without a single part?
More questions to ponder:
What would be the drawback if I’d never gone through that abuse/struggle?
My answer: I wouldn’t recognize how strong I really was; I wouldn’t value those people I can trust as much.
What would be the drawback if I’d never gotten divorced?
My answer: I’d still be in a relationship that most likely would never allow me to be fully me; I’d be beating myself up for staying in a relationship I knew wasn’t good for me, thereby killing my confidence and smothering who I was meant to be; I wouldn’t be as empathetic to people who have experienced this same pain.
What would I have missed out on had I stayed in that marriage/relationship?
My answer: my three beautiful children; a chance to find a healthy, passionate relationship like I have now; the opportunity to follow my own career goals; the glory of living with freedom and an open heart.
Now imagine either someone you don’t like or someone you don’t relate to—maybe even someone you despise. Or you may imagine a trait that makes your skin crawl or a trait you feel you don’t possess. Then answer this question:
3. How am I like that person, or in what way do I have that trait?
Note: The benefit of this question is that you find out how you really are one of God’s many children, with all the same parts and expressions, even if they appear in different forms. It was a hard question for me to answer—maybe the hardest—because I thought I had a fixed idea about what it meant to be something that I perceived I wasn’t. This question helped me feel more compassionate toward myself and others, knowing we all have the same traits, that we are all capable of both good and bad.
How am I like _____________ [insert name]? (For me it’s Justin.)
My answer: I’m ambitious; I care about the quality of the work I do; I care about how people view me.
In what ways am I a _________ [insert hurtful word]? (For me it’s whore.)
My answer: I have to look good to do my job; I have to schmooze people at work; the more people I connect with, the better the ratings.
In what ways am I fearless? (This is a trait I wished I possessed and didn’t think I had until I started this list.)
My answer: I had the courage to leave an abusive relationship; I had the guts to envision a different life—to leave a stable job in Cleveland and embrace a whole new opportunity in the news industry at an entry-level position; I had the confidence to confront, with grace and compassion, a friend who had acted in hurtful ways toward me; I sang the national anthem to a packed house for the Cleveland Indians, even with my knees knocking together from nerves.
“The Worst Things Anyone Has Ever Said to Me” List
Pick out the two worst things per year (all the way back to when you were a child) that anyone has ever said to you. Write them down as quotations, and record who said each comment. (Start with the present time, then move backward. Review the last three years of your life, then three years prior to those three, and so forth until you have gone back as far as you can remember.) Once you’ve written your list, look for similarities between the comments and separate them into groups that contain similar themes. For example, note the similarities between these three comments:
“You are so stupid.”
“You can’t possibly think you’ll get that job.”
“You can hardly balance your checkbook—how do you think you will ever be hired as a manager?”
Answer: they share the idea of doubting the intelligence or mental capability of the accused.
Now use the groups of comments to find out what they mean to you. How did they make you feel, specifically? What did you believe about yourself when you heard comments like these?
After you have a perception of what the comments mean to you, see if you can identify what you believed was missing in yourself. Once you’ve identified the trait you thought you lacked, you’ll find out how you came to value that trait.
This will help you love yourself for who you really are and the purpose you seek to fill.
Note: Here’s what I love about this exercise: it shows us what has meaning for us. If something isn’t important to us, then we certainly won’t get upset or feel insulted by it. Only something that has meaning and value to us will get a reaction out of us—a “charge.” So by observing what gets under our skin, we get to know ourselves and find out what is valuable to us. When we take it a step further, we can observe that when we feel something is missing, we seek to gain it.
I take the time to observe what others say that irks me, and since I’ve been doing this exercise I’ve learned so much about what I value and also how I want to conduct myself, behave, and think about what I value. Instead of just accusing the other person of being critical or mean, I get to say, “Thank you,” for showing me where I think I come up short and stimulating me to be clear about what I value.
I share some of my own examples here. Two people who said things that really hurt me were Eric and Justin.
Eric: He was a high school boyfriend of mine who seemed to pit me against my classmate Felicia. She liked him, he kind of liked her, and she really hated me. I feared he would break up with me and start dating her. After talking to Felicia one afternoon, he came to my house and said, “You’re vice president of the class, you’re on student council, you’ve got a ton of friends. You wonder why Felicia hates you? Give someone else a chance, will you? You don’t deserve all this!”
How I felt when I heard these comments: I felt hurt, insecure, betrayed, and unworthy. It was the moment I began to believe that if I had too much or was too much, everyone would hate me and I’d be alone.
What it meant to me in terms of how I came up short: I felt I must be ignorant not to see that all I was involved in was causing someone else to hate me. I must be full of myself to have so much in the first place, and I certainly felt undeserving of what I had, because, really, what had I done to deserve any of those good things?
What became important and valuable to me as a result: To be aware of people’s feelings, in tune with what’s important to them; to live my truest self and recognize my strengths and weaknesses—and to appreciate them; to treasure my friendships more than ever and value honest, loyal people; to be enthusiastic about other people’s accomplishments; to not judge other people since we’re all battling our own demons on some level.
Justin: Justin was my ex-husband, and there are many examples of moments with him when I felt a “charge” or something hurtful from him. In this instance I was going through a deposition with the attorney for the television station I worked for. I confided in Justin that I was scared. He looked at me, disgusted, and said, “If you can’t hack it, you should get out and find something else to do!”
How I felt when I heard these comments: I felt weak, stupid, unsophisticated, and incapable.
What it meant to me in terms of how I came up short: My perception was that I wasn’t capable of being a real journalist or having what it takes to be in this business.
What became important and valuable to me as a result: This criticism pushed me to be even more determined and resolute—preparing thoroughly for my job, working long hours, reading and researching before intervi
ews, and learning what criticism to take to heart and what to let roll off my back. I’m actually grateful this happened, because it was a wake-up call for me to grow up and depend on myself.
Your “You” List
Here’s where you’re going to make a list of what you think is “positive” or “negative” about yourself. Don’t worry—no one has to see this except you. I encourage you, though, to be completely honest with yourself. Hey, you’ve come this far—don’t cheat yourself out of a real breakthrough!
The point of this exercise is to use it to see yourself as a whole person, with both positive and negative sides coexisting. When that happens, you’ll be relieved to give up harsh judgments of yourself and to stop having the pressure of pride weighing you down.
For the sake of full disclosure, when I did this exercise I was resistant to give up what I thought of as “good things about myself.” I thought if I held on to those things, I could fall back on the “Good Christi” when I needed to. But it turns out that if I felt like those good things about myself were really as one sided as I had hoped, the best thing I could be would be self-righteous; the worst thing would be half a person.
After I did this exercise, there was such a sense of relief about being a real person, who, like everyone else, has a mixture of emotions and experiences all happening at once. Somehow this exercise helped me release the pressure to be perfect—to enjoy the willingness to be “just me.” I hope you use this exercise to find that same sense of freedom!
Love Isn't Supposed to Hurt Page 21