by Gina Wilkins
She pushed a hand through her hair, her restlessly wandering gaze pausing on the Christmas tree. She hadn’t turned on the tree lights so it was dark, the symbolism not lost on her. Should she wait? Was it horrible of her to do this on Christmas? But no. It would be worse to lie and tell him everything was fine. She and Scott had insisted on honesty from the start.
With her back to him, she slid the beautiful ring from her finger and looked down at it for a moment, struggling for composure. Only when she was sure she had her emotions under control did she turn to him, the ring closed in her fist.
“I asked you once what you would do if I told you I didn’t want to go along with your plan. If I decided I’d rather not marry you.”
His eyes wary, his expression guarded, he nodded. “I remember.”
“Do you remember what you said?”
He nodded again. “I said I would be disappointed but I would do everything I could to put it behind me. I said I wouldn’t let it affect our work relationship or our friendship. We could agree that it had been worth a shot and then go on with our lives just as we’ve been doing for the past six years.”
She swallowed in pain before asking softly, “Do you still think you could do that? Even now?”
“Tess—”
He took a step toward her but she held up her free hand, palm out, and stopped him. “Please answer my question.”
Lifting one hand to squeeze the back of his neck, he gave it a moment’s thought before replying slowly, “I’m not saying it would be easy. As close as we’ve been the past month, as much as we’ve shared—hell, it’d be hard. But yeah, eventually, I could do it. Whatever happened between us, I would do anything I could to make you comfortable at the office, to assure you that your job would not be affected by any personal decision you make about us.”
“And you’d be able to go back to seeing me as your office manager? Your employee?”
Again, a lengthy pause followed her question.
Say something, Scott.
“Yes,” he said finally, the word a knife straight through her heart. “I could get to that point again. It might take a while, but we’re adults, right? It would serve neither of us well to mope about our plans not working out.”
“That’s very...practical of you,” she whispered. “You’ve always been so proud of your ability to compartmentalize your life. I guess that’s part of what has made you so successful in your business.”
She thought back to the end of his previous engagement. How long had it taken him to get over Sharon? A week? A day? She’d thought at the time he’d seemed almost relieved the relationship had ended, freeing him to concentrate again on the business he truly loved. Maybe it would take him a little longer this time.
But maybe not.
“Tess, you’re really confusing me.” He dropped his arm to his side. “I don’t know where this is coming from.”
She took pride in the fact that her eyes were dry when she looked at him. “I’m so very sorry, Scott. I wish I’d understood sooner what I wanted. What I needed. It wasn’t your fault that I let myself get swept up into a fantasy. You did everything you could to warn me. You were nothing but honest with me from the beginning.”
His eyes were wide now. Dark with dawning comprehension. “What are you saying?”
She held out her hand. Turned it palm up so that the ring was visible to him. “The life you’ve described would be a very good one. I’m sure you’d work as hard at being a husband and father as you have at running a business. Only a romantic idiot with totally unrealistic expectations would turn you down.”
“You aren’t an idiot, Tess.”
“Apparently, I am.”
The ensuing silence was almost suffocating. She drew a ragged breath into her aching lungs, her hand shaking a little as she continued to hold out the ring to him.
Say something. Please.
“What do you want from me?” He sounded honestly bewildered.
“Everything,” she answered simply. “I needed to know that losing me would break your heart. But that’s not something you were either able or willing to offer. And this pretty diamond isn’t enough to make up for that.”
“Tess, you don’t understand. I can’t... I’m not the kind who... I’ve tried before and I failed. And if I’ve hurt you now, I’ve failed again. I’m so sorry.”
She took his hand and made him accept the ring. “It’s not your fault,” she repeated, tormented by his obvious distress. “You did nothing wrong. You offered everything you had to give. I’m the one who got greedy. Like I said, I’m an idiot. I fell head over heels in love with you, Scott. I’ve probably been in love with you for six years. Isn’t that pathetic?”
“No.” His voice was a little choked as his fingers closed hard around the ring. It would probably leave a mark on his palm. “Not pathetic.”
“But foolish.”
He couldn’t seem to argue with that.
“I think you’d better go now,” she said with a strained, sad smile. “I’d hate to complete my humiliation by bursting into tears. Neither of us would care for that.”
“I don’t want to leave you like this.”
“Please.” She almost flinched at the entreaty in her own voice. The one thing she was determined not to do was to beg. “Just go.”
He walked slowly to the door. “Will I see you at the office next week?”
“I’ll come by to get my things and to make arrangements for a replacement. Maybe Damaris could take over my duties until you can hire someone permanent. Actually, you’ll probably have to hire a couple of people to replace me,” she added with wry candor. “You’ll need an office manager and a human resources manager.”
“You’re quitting?” So many emotions swirled in his face that it was hard to identify them all, but she saw the first glint of anger then. Good. Maybe it would make this easier if he got mad. At least that was a real, honest emotion. “You’re seriously giving notice?”
“Yes. Unlike you, I can’t go back to the way it was before. I can’t just stop loving you. And I won’t punish myself for it by working with you every day and watching you get over your disappointment and then move on. I deserve better than that.”
“Yes. You do. You deserve everything you want.” With that quiet statement, he turned and let himself out. He didn’t look back as he closed the door behind him.
She didn’t know how long she stood there just staring at the door, unable to move, unable to cry, unable to think beyond the dull realization that she had just ended her relationship with Scott and quit her job. She knew which loss was more devastating—but she’d loved her job, too. She would miss it almost as much as she would him. Or had she loved the job so much because of him?
The numbness began to wear off and the pain came in waves that crashed through her, slammed the breath from her lungs. A sound escaped her that was part sob, part moan. Nothing had ever hurt her as badly as this.
She needed not to be alone. But Stevie was out of town and she couldn’t crash Jenny’s first Christmas with her new husband. On an impulse she snatched up the keys to her rental car, tucked her bag under her arm and headed for the door.
Somehow she made it to her sister’s house without being in another car crash. Shivering in the cold that seemed to be coming more from inside her than outside, she huddled into her coat and rang the doorbell.
Having checked through the security window, Nina opened the door. “Tess, what on earth are you doing here? It’s nearly ten o’clock. On Christmas night! We’re already getting ready for— Oh, my God. What’s wrong? What’s happened?”
The tears had started, and there was no way she could stop them now. “Can I—can I come in? Please.”
“Of course.” Nina took her arm and drew her inside. “Let me make you some tea. You’re
freezing. You can tell me all about it once you’re warm.”
Tess allowed her big sister to lead her toward the kitchen, even though she wasn’t sure she’d ever be warm again.
Chapter Eleven
Scott hated failure. Hated it. He’d spent his entire life doing everything he could to avoid dealing with it, which meant he’d never really learned how to handle it. Failure had been such a rare thing in his life. Oh, sure, there’d been the broken engagement to Sharon, but that had been easy enough to wave off. Maybe because he’d never really considered that failure his fault. Sharon had demanded too much from him, made it impossible for them to continue. She might have been the one to officially call it off, but he would have done so eventually if she hadn’t. So he’d always told himself that had all been more of a misstep than a failure. Still, it had left a few scars, along with more determination than ever to avoid future potential failures at all costs.
He’d been so confident that he’d minimized all the risks with Tess. That he’d looked at every angle, foreseen every potential problem, dodged any complications. With the experienced skill of a successful entrepreneur, he’d presented his case, brought her on board with his plan, followed a step-by-step progression from first date to engagement, a path that should have continued on to the cozy little wedding and a couple of kids to fill those empty upstairs bedrooms. He’d pretty much won over her sister, and his family had all but adopted Tess. The staff at work seemed okay with their arrangement, so that potential complication had been avoided. He’d done everything right. She’d said so herself.
But still he’d hurt her, the one thing he had vowed from the start not to do. He’d lost her as a fiancée, as a friend, even as an office manager. He hadn’t just failed, he had failed spectacularly.
On Saturday, two days after Christmas—a month after he’d come up with that so-called brilliant idea—he sat in his empty office staring at a phone that wasn’t ringing, looking at a doorway no one would be walking through today. The job sites were idle, his business associates all busy with their holidays, so there was nothing to distract him from his glum thoughts.
He hadn’t broken the news to his family yet. He’d managed to avoid calls and respond to texts in brief, nonspecific replies, so they probably thought he and Tess were utilizing the time off to celebrate their engagement. Which was exactly what they should be doing, had it not all fallen apart.
He shoved himself to his feet, unable to sit still any longer. He didn’t know what he was looking for when he wandered into the lobby. Everything was as tidy as they’d left it at early closing time on Wednesday. The garland and other decorations still hung in place. He’d always thought there was something forlorn about Christmas decorations hanging around after the holiday passed. Today was no different. The tree sat in the corner, lights off because he hadn’t wanted them on. Tess had been sitting right there under that tree when his brainstorm had hit.
The door to her office was open. Her desk was clean, organized. He tried to picture Damaris sitting there, or some other future employee. His brain just couldn’t process it. Tess was the only one who’d ever sat at that desk. How could he ever find anyone to replace her? Here—or in the rest of his life?
Why would he want to replace her?
He could go on, he told himself. He could put it behind him. Shake off this misstep and focus on what he was good at. His business. He didn’t need a wife he’d probably just neglect, or kids he didn’t have time for anyway.
For Tess and the kids they’d have made together, he’d have made time.
He thought of the upcoming Kilgo job, the new Best Burger restaurants on the long-term plan, the apartment complexes and strip malls and other construction jobs waiting to be bid on and won and implemented. Maybe he’d get back his enthusiasm for the projects before long, once he figured out how to tackle them without Tess at his side.
Maybe he just had to get through that stages-of-loss thing. He’d already dealt with shock and denial. He was still struggling with bouts of anger.
What the hell more had she wanted from him? He’d offered her his home, his business, his family, his future. What more could he have given her?
I needed to know that losing me would break your heart.
There wouldn’t have been any need for heartache if she’d just gone along with the plan. She’d said she wanted the future he’d outlined, the same things he desired. Why had it mattered so much to her to hear the words, the things so many people said and didn’t really mean? How many of his friends had tumbled into love, rhapsodized about their undying devotion to their new someones, thrown themselves headfirst into fairy-tale weddings, only to end up angry and disillusioned, bitter and resentful? Words held no guarantees. Actions were what counted. And he’d been prepared to follow through on all his promises.
I fell head over heels in love with you, Scott. I’ve probably been in love with you for six years. Isn’t that pathetic?
What was more pathetic? The one who confessed love—or the one who was too cowardly to surrender to it?
I deserve better than that.
Yes. You do. You deserve everything you want.
He’d meant what he’d said. He wanted her to be happy. She did deserve it. He was sure there were plenty of men who’d be more than willing to offer Tess everything he had held back. Men who would think they’d just won the lottery of a lifetime if they were lucky enough to earn Tess Miller’s love. Scott doubted that the boring Glenn was the only other man smart enough to figure out what a treasure she was. And choosy as she was, she would find someone worthy of her someday. Maybe someday soon. And then he’d have lost her forever. That stupid plan of his would have cost him everything. More than he’d even known he’d placed at risk.
He leaned his throbbing head against the doorjamb of her office and pressed a hand to his aching chest. He’d never had his heart broken before, so he didn’t know what that felt like. He suspected it felt a hell of a lot like this.
“You didn’t turn on the security system. Don’t you know just anyone could break in?”
He froze, his wounded heart clenching in his chest. And then he turned, very slowly, wondering if he’d only imagined her voice because he’d wanted so badly to hear it.
But no. She was here, standing in front of him looking a little pale, a little worn, but her chin held high and her shoulders square. Tess might have been hurt by his stupidity, but she would spring back to her feet. She was a survivor. He suspected she was a hell of a lot stronger than he.
“Why are you here?”
“I thought I’d start cleaning out my desk,” she said quietly, dashing his hopes that she’d come to find him. “It’s not something I want to do in front of the staff.”
“You’re really quitting.”
She nodded. “I think it’s best.”
“I don’t want you to go.”
“I know. It won’t be easy for you to replace me,” she said with a frank shrug. “But you’ll manage.”
“And if I don’t want to manage?”
“I’m sorry,” she said, but he could tell she wasn’t going to change her mind.
He pushed his fingertips into the pockets of his jeans. “I respect your decision.”
“Thank you.”
He moved to one side to allow her to enter her office. She set a tote bag on the desk. He hadn’t even seen it in her hand. She opened her desk drawer. “Are you going to stand there and watch me?”
“Tess.” Exploding into action, he reached around her and slammed the drawer shut. “Damn it, this is wrong. You can’t do this.”
He heard the edge of desperation in his tone, but there was nothing he could do about it.
She looked for a moment as though she was about to snap at him, but something in his expression must have caught her attention. She went still. �
�Why can’t I do this?”
“The company needs you.”
She shook her head. “Not good enough.”
“I need you.”
Her expression didn’t change. “You’ll find another office manager. No one is irreplaceable.”
“You are,” he said roughly. “Maybe I could replace you here in the office, though I’d never find anyone as competent and dedicated. But I could never replace you in my life. I don’t even want to try.”
“Why, Scott?”
“Because I love you, damn it. I don’t want to lose you.”
The words echoed in his ears as she studied him in silence. He grimaced. He’d screwed up again. That was probably the least romantic declaration she’d heard since...well, since he’d made such a mess of proposing to her.
“I really am hopeless at this,” he muttered. “I can’t blame you for wanting to get as far away from me as you can, but I’m asking you to stay. If it means getting down on one knee—hell, on both knees—I’ll do it. Don’t give up on us, Tess. Don’t give up on me.”
She’d said she loved him. Had she changed her mind? Had she come to her senses?
She took a step toward him, searching his face intently. “You’ve really suffered the past two days, haven’t you?”
“Yes,” he admitted in a growl. “Hell, yes.”
Incredibly, she smiled. “Good.”
“Well, I’m glad that makes you so happy,” he grumbled.
She threw her arms around his neck so abruptly he staggered backward. He righted himself quickly, gathering her close. “Tess?”
She drew back just far enough to gaze fiercely into his face. “I don’t want to be married because we make a great team. I don’t want to be the one you choose because I’m practical and sensible and fit in well with your family. I don’t want you to marry me because I’m low maintenance or easygoing or understanding. I want the romance, darn it, just like any other woman. You don’t have to get down on your knees, but you’d better be willing to admit you don’t want to lose me. You’d damned well better fight for me if you want me.”