by Marika Ray
"I think you should totally do it!" Esa was back to clapping her hands and bouncing on my couch. "Practice on us. Sing a song."
"Oh no. I'm not singing in public or for you. You guys, this is so crazy private. No one was even supposed to know I wrote songs! I write as a way to process my feelings. It's an outlet for me that was never supposed to be public." Now I was the one pouting.
"So you've never shown anyone your songs?" Esa asked, mouth dropped open.
"No!"
"Wait, is it the singing or the song writing you like?" Bailey asked.
"Mostly the song writing. The singing is just what I do to make sure the melody works with the lyrics."
"So you've never tried to sell your songs?" Esa was having a hard time wrapping her brain around this just being a stress relief habit. To her, everything was a great new business idea.
"Well, no. Not really. I mean, it would be cool if someone thought they were good enough to buy, but no. It's mainly just for me."
"I don't know...I think your students have a point. You're scared to share your songs publicly, which is why daring you to do it was genius. But I have a question: if no one knows you write songs, how did this mystery person know to dare you to do it?" Bailey was as confused as I was.
"I don't know and that's what's freaking me out! I thought it might be my sister, but she said it wasn't her. Maybe they not only hacked my social media account but my cloud account too? That's where I keep my finished songs." I was getting worried again. If they'd hacked into my computer, I had bigger problems than just the dare.
"You better change all your passwords and check your accounts, just in case." Bailey lifted an eyebrow. "Come on, Hessa. Just sing us one song. Pretty please?" She clasped her hands together and looked like she was ready to beg.
Then Esa joined in, both of them giving me the most ridiculous puppy dog eyes, designed to weaken my resolve.
"Nooooo!" I jumped up to clear our plates. "Discussion over! Not gonna happen. No way. I'll be wearing a pine overcoat before that happens."
Bailey looked at Esa. "Is that one of your weird, mixed-up phrases?"
I interrupted, yelling over my shoulder as I went into the kitchen, "It means, over my dead body!"
Bailey shouted back at me. "Well, that's a little extreme. We should talk about why you have such low self-confidence, Hessa-girl. I bet your songs are beautiful and you're just too scared to share your brilliance with the world. I think you're being selfish and you don't even know it."
I popped back out of the kitchen to see that Bailey was dead serious. I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out. Ouch. No beating around the bush there.
"Time for us to go. Thanks for having us over." Esa jumped up and rushed Bailey to the front door, giving me an apologetic smile.
"Think about it..." Bailey called over her shoulder as Esa pushed her out the door. A trickle of shame climbed up my spine, like she'd seen something deep within myself I didn't want to acknowledge.
I was also back to wondering if I even wanted to be part of the Beach Squad.
I was three chapters into a new book on my e-reader, my eyes slowing losing focus when my phone rang. I glanced over at the clock on my bedside table, wondering who'd be calling at eleven o'clock on a Tuesday night. I remembered to look at the screen first this time and saw it was Rainna. A sense of dread filled my stomach, a leftover reaction I hoped would go away in time.
"Hello?" I answered, grogginess making my voice a little slurred.
"I know you're still up, so don't act like you've been asleep, missy." My sister's voice carried the smile I knew was on her face.
I grunted. "Hey, I'm a hard-core librocubularist. What's your excuse?"
She laughed. "I won't even ask what that means. I'm up because I'm a tattoo artist. We work late." Her voice lost the humor. "And I had a very interesting guy in my chair a few moments ago. You need to hear this."
"Oh no, give it to me." I sat up straighter in bed and pulled my covers higher, needing the warmth.
"This guy just came in for a tattoo as a walk-in tonight. He was chatting to me about some dare that he had to complete by this weekend. Something about cliff jumping in Newport. I wouldn't have normally paid any attention, but he specifically used the word 'dare' just like you texted me about. Is something going on?" She sounded worried, which warmed my heart. I mean, I didn't want her upset on my account, but considering how long I'd gone thinking she didn't care about me at all, the concern felt nice.
"I'm not exactly sure, but I've got some friends looking into it for me. Are you sure you didn't hack into my Instabook page?"
Silence.
"Hessa. For the last time. No, I didn't hack into anything. I don't do the social media thing and I wouldn't do that to you. I wish you'd believe me." The concern in her voice was quickly turning to irritation.
I removed my glasses and rubbed my forehead. "I'm sorry. Really. I'm just at loose ends here and I don't know what's going on. I believe you and I won't doubt you again. Thank you for calling me and letting me know what you heard."
"If I hear anything else, I'll call you. Will you update me on what's going on so I know if you're okay?"
"You bet. Goodnight, Rainny-Day." I extended the olive branch in the form of our nicknames from when we were kids. The name felt rusty on my tongue. I couldn't remember the last time I called her that. Couldn't remember the last time I'd felt close enough to her to call her that.
"Goodnight, Hess-Mess."
Wednesday morning came and went. The conversation with my students about my dare dwindled as the day went on. I was confident that it would be practically forgotten by the time the weekend rolled around. I took a full, easy breath for the first time since Monday morning. I had hoped this would go away and life would return to normal.
My good mood might also have been something to do with a tan lifeguard meeting up with me tonight after work. There was something about his dimpled smile that lit me up from within. I wanted to see that smile, I wanted to be the reason he flashed that smile, and I wanted to bask in the glow of that happiness.
Mark my words, that smile was going into one of my songs.
I'd write a song about his physicality but that was the low hanging fruit that every rap song I'd ever had the misfortune to hear went for. Granted, I didn't listen to rap that often, but I doubted it had improved much over the years. The man was crazy hot. Looking at his body got me hot and bothered to the point of stumbling over my words and blushing furiously. My usual wit was lost somewhere between the muscles and the hazel eyes.
And even with all that starrifying my perception of him, he irritated me to no end. With his accusations about my program. With his lackadaisical attitude about life in general. With his conversations that left me off-kilter. He got under my skin, and I hadn't figured out if that was in a good way or not. The weakest parts of me decided I'd have to see him repeatedly to make a determination.
It was the same weak part of me that had me changing my clothes multiple times before I'd settled on another pair of tight black leggings topped with a sports bra that roped in the girls within an inch of their lives. If we were running tonight, these puppies weren't moving. I just hoped they continued to get blood flow while strapped into the industrial contraption. I redid my ponytail, making sure it didn't look like I'd been dragged through a bush backwards. I almost perked up my look with some lipstick, but I felt that might be over the top for running on the beach. Nothing says desperation like bright red lipstick while working out with a man.
When I reached Lifeguard Headquarters ten minutes early, Kai was already there waiting for me. He stood with his back leaning against the wall, one knee bent, foot on the wall, arms crossed over his chest. He was in a clean white polo shirt, accentuating his gorgeous skin tone. Reflective RayBans shielded his eyes from the sun and kept me from knowing where his eyes were looking as I swung into the parking lot. I noticed he was barefoot again and I wondered how he could stand the
hot cement.
He appeared at my car door, giving me his hand as I exited, eliciting the same butterflies as before. He wasted no time leading me out onto to the sand.
"Ready to pick up the pace tonight?" He gave me a teasing smile, not yet indulging me with the dimples.
"Sure!" I needed to dial back the enthusiasm. That sounded entirely fake. No one would ever believe I was looking forward to running.
Kai laughed. "Don't worry. We'll just run for a little bit, then take a break. Plus I have a surprise for you after we're done."
"You think dangling that carrot out there like that will make me run faster?"
He shrugged. "It was worth a shot..."
"Come on, let's get this over with so I can get my surprise." I took off into a jog, headed north to the pier.
Kai caught up to me and kept me preoccupied by running right by the edge of the water, moving higher as each wave chased our feet. I had more to lose, being the only one in shoes. Before I knew it, we passed the pier and though my lungs were working overtime, my legs weren't on fire like last time I tried running.
"Time to slow it down, huh?" Kai didn't even sound like he was breathing hard.
Damn him.
We walked for another mile before turning around. Kai kept up the conversation telling stories about people he'd dealt with as his job as a lifeguard. I was now convinced there were some unhinged people hanging out at the beach. I thought high schoolers were hard to deal with, but that paled in comparison to what Kai had to deal with on a daily basis. I told him a few stories about my students and earned myself some flashes of that dimple.
By the time we'd reached our starting point, I was laughing and feeling totally comfortable around him. Irritation was nowhere to be found and I began to think I'd previously made it up.
"Okay, so sit here and start meditating while I go grab something out of my truck." Kai looked like a little boy eager to show off his prized possession. It was endearing.
"Go, go! I'll be fine." I plopped down on the sand and assumed the position. I closed my eyes and cleared my mind like he'd taught me to do last time.
Then I realized he was still there. I opened one eye to catch him staring at me. I waved him off, embarrassed to be sitting there meditating while he just watched me. He winked and took off, leaving me with a shy smile permanently affixed to my face.
Kai
Mission accomplished: I got the straight-laced Hessa to belly laugh, which was as awesome as I figured it would be. I felt like I'd won some hard-earned victory just getting her to let loose and be silly. She didn't seem at all pretentious now that the wall was down. I didn't know what was different today, but I felt like she was finally letting me see the real Hessa.
The physical attraction was there from the moment I saw her. Whether it was her prim and proper teacher attire or the yoga pants that molded to those long, curvy legs, I was undeniably attracted to her. I'd struggled all evening to keep my eyes off her breasts. I didn't know what the hell she was wearing underneath her tank top, but her breasts were pushed up and on display like they were on a platter for my personal feasting. I wanted to get my hands on her, taste her, see if we could be compatible physically, but I wasn't a twenty-year-old anymore, jumping on any girl who tempted me. I wanted more than sex. I wanted a life partner, a best friend. I needed to see if Hessa could be that person for me.
As well as things were going, I probably shouldn't bring her the surprise I was planning on. I was afraid pushing her buttons would make the fun-loving Hessa run and hide, leaving me with argumentative Ms. Woodland.
But I wanted to share part of myself with her, be vulnerable and see if she'd meet me halfway. I wasn't getting any younger and I knew what I wanted. Better to put things out there now and see if she'd run.
I grabbed my case out of the car and jogged back down to the sand, enjoying the sight of this beautiful woman enjoying a practice that had become an important part of my life. I sat down next to her, making sure my knee was against hers. If she was going to shut me down, I'd enjoy my last moments of touching her.
Hessa's eyes popped open, looking unfocused and relaxed. She smiled at me. With the backdrop of the sun dropping into the ocean like an orange fireball lighting up her blonde hair, she looked like an angel. I swear to God, my heart skipped a beat and I paused, knowing this was significant. There may have been a brick in my stomach, but there was also electricity pulsing through my body, making the world seem alive in technicolor. I knew I was curious and attracted before, but with that one look, I was hooked emotionally. I was all in, I had my heart in the game now.
I wanted her.
And just like that, I was nervous as hell. I second-guessed my next move, knowing it could push her too far, giving her permission to push me away.
"What is it, Kai?" Hessa's smile had morphed to a curious look, her eyes darting to my black case on the sand in front of us.
Time to jump and see if we'd fly. "I-I brought something that's really personal to me. It's something I grew up doing and I wanted to share it with you. See if you'd join me."
"Okay..."
That was the longest, drawn out 'okay' I'd ever heard. If I wasn't so nervous myself, I would have laughed at her reluctance.
Time to go for broke. "Without further ado..." I popped open the latch and threw back the lid. "I give you...my ukulele!"
I picked it up and brought it to my lap, fingers instantly finding their place, strumming a few bars out of habit.
Hessa's eyes opened wide and her smile grew. "That's fabulous! Let me hear you play!"
"Well, here's the thing. I know quite a few Hawaiian songs and some covers you'd probably recognize. But what I really want to do tonight is sing with you." I paused to make sure she understood my meaning and how badly I wanted this. "I want you to sing, Hessa."
8
Hessa
Crud muffin! He wanted me to sing!
Damn him and his persuasive abilities. He warmed me up with funny stories, got me all relaxed with meditation in front of nature's greatest show at eventide, and now he dropped this bomb on me.
The thing is, I really wanted to do it. But I was scared spitless to do it. And I hated that he put me on the spot like this. How could I say yes and overcome my fear in front of the person I wanted to impress most? How could I say no and risk hurting his feelings and pushing him away? For heaven's sake, he said it was highly personal, a part of his childhood, and he wanted to share it with me. Turning him down would be equivalent to a slap in the face.
Before I could even formulate an answer, tears sprang to my eyes. I was between a rock and a hard place. Either way I'd hurt someone: me or him.
"Whoa, hold on there. You don't have to do it. I want you to, but I won't pressure you further. I promise. Please don't cry." Kai tossed the ukulele back in its case and leaned over me, pulling my hands into his. Which of course, just made the tears fall faster.
He responded the only way an intelligent man can by pulling me into a hug, his warm arms wrapping me up, shielding me from the ocean breeze. Words would come later, but for now, this contact was everything I needed.
Coconuts and man-sweat.
His heavenly scent surrounded me and distracted me from my tears. My body melted into his, enjoying the feel of his muscles bracketing my form. I'd never been a small girl, but in his embrace, I felt protected by a force stronger and braver than me.
All too soon, he pulled back. His hands cupped my face and his thumbs wiped the tears off my cheeks.
"I'm sorry, Ono," he whispered, just inches from my lips.
I gave him my truth. "I want to. I'm just scared." It was a scared confession I hated to put words to, which wasn't what he wanted, but it was something. Something honest at least.
His hands never left my face, thumbs and gaze caressing my skin. "I know you're scared. But I know you'd be incredible too. And I want to see you embrace your incredible."
I huffed out a quick guffaw. "I do too."
/> "Then trust me to help you. We'll start slow. Maybe hum some songs and see what comes of it. If you want to sing, great. If not, there's always tomorrow, yeah?"
At his encouragement, I nodded my agreement. His hands left my face to slide into my ponytail and down my back. My hair sprang loose as he pulled the tie down, spreading my hair and running his fingers through it.
"I've been wondering what you look like with your hair down. The ponytail is for your students. The way you look with your hair down, your eyes soft, skin flushed...that look is just for me and our music together."
My hippie lifeguard was a romantic.
If I wasn't already seated, I would have lost all control over my legs at that statement and that heated stare he was giving me. My cheeks burned hotter and I knew right then I'd made the right choice by being honest with him.
He sat back down and placed the ukulele on his lap again. "I know it seems cliché for me to play the ukulele, but it reminds me of home. We used to sit around the house, the backyard, the beach, around campfires. Really, anywhere people were gathered, someone would break out an ukulele and the singing would start. It didn't matter what your voice sounded like, or how well you played. It was about being together and sharing reminders of your ancestry, your culture."
I smiled, listening to him share something so personal. I could see now where he was coming from about keeping things casual. I was so worried about singing in front of people and he'd grown up with the opposite. Everyone sang and no one thought anything of it.
"Tell me how you grew up, Hessa." Kai strummed a few chords before easing into a melody I knew I'd heard before but couldn't place.
I looked away, taking in the last of the orange and yellow streaks across the sky. Darkness was setting in, creating an intimate cocoon around us. The only source of light penetrating our bubble was the lamps on the pier in the distance. It felt as if we were the only two people left in the world, urging me to open up and share, whereas harsh daytime would have left me too exposed.