by Marika Ray
"Did you bring the barf bags?" I threw over my shoulder to Esa after I'd successfully climbed out of the car.
She barked out a laugh, not realizing I was serious.
I'd decided in the car ride over here that I was going to go to my happy place. I was going to bury my head in the sand and pretend that this whole thing was happening to someone else. I wasn't sure how psychologically healthy that was, but I figured it might help me refrain from puking on my audience, and that right there was worth it. I'd get professional help later.
With that new mindset in place, I got my music sheets out of the trunk, grabbed my water bottle, and sashayed my glorious ass over to the escalator. Time to face the music. Literally.
The first person I saw when the escalator deposited me at the top, was Kai. He was standing right there waiting for me, dressed in a white linen button down shirt over black pants. In his hands was a huge red hibiscus flower.
"You look incredible, Ono. Good enough to eat." He leaned in close to whisper in my ear. "Which I will do tonight to celebrate." Then he placed the flower in my hair behind my ear. "My island girl."
The man knew just what to say to calm my nerves and make me feel like I could do no wrong. We hadn't said those three little words yet, but I felt the love. I could totally bungle this thing tonight and he'd still be totally into me. That was a beautiful feeling.
Hand-in-hand we walked over to the stage, exchanging hellos and head nods with the people already milling around.
"Quit counting people," Kai said out of the side of his mouth. My jaw dropped. How did he know I was doing that?
"Look here." Kai gestured to the first two rows of seats closest to the stage. They all had reserved signs on them. When I did a double take, Kai clued me in.
"Your girls reserved the seats for them and your sister. Figured if you got nervous, you could just look out at us and pretend the rest of the people weren't even here."
"That's so sweet, and so perfect. I'll have to thank them big time later." I was touched everyone was being so kind and thoughtful. They were thinking of things I hadn't even considered, knowing this was a big step for me. The heavy pressure on my chest eased up a bit, allowing me to breathe a little deeper.
I put my music sheets on the little table up on the stage, checked the microphone height, and talked to the AV guy about doing a sound check. I kept my back to the chairs, letting them fill up without watching it happen and panicking.
Eventually, Kai led me off to the side of the stage and put his hands on my face, careful not to mess up my hair or make-up, but demanding my full attention. My legs were shaking and I swallowed hard. I let all the terror I felt show through my eyes.
"I know, baby. I know you're scared. But I want you to take a moment, okay?" At my frightened nod, he continued. "Close your eyes. I want you to picture Gabe in that hospital bed. How frightened he and his mother must have been. Now picture Ms. Martinez' face when you hand her the check from tonight. See how her eyes light up and the weight is lifted off her shoulders? You did that, Hessa."
Kai gives me a slight shake and I can feel the energy shift. I can feel the scared being tamped down by the joy I'll have doing something that would mean so much to my student. Instead of my failure in the form of a student now in jail, I had the opportunity to do good, to set things right. His words strengthened my resolve and my spine straightened with renewed purpose.
"You are a beautiful, smart, courageous, strong woman. And your students get to see that tonight. Let us see you, Ono. Give us the gift of your music."
Then he leaned down and kissed me lightly. I kept my eyes closed a few moments longer to bottle up this empowered feeling, knowing I'd need it as the night went on. I didn't ever want to lose this feeling right here. That moment when you know you have to do something that scares you to your core, but once it's over, you know you'll never be the same. What was life without risk?
I finally blinked my eyes open, seeing Kai smiling at me like I was all he needed in this world. The white lights above cast a romantic light on a beautiful evening. Waves crashed nearby and the palm trees swayed in the gentle breeze. Perfection.
I gave Kai a saucy wink and headed to my stage.
As I reached up to grab the microphone, with the worst timing ever, my feet sent up a red flag warning. They were dying a thousand deaths in these damn heels and I suddenly understood Kai's dogged determination to remain barefoot no matter the dress code. Tonight, of all nights, was about getting out of my comfort zone so I figured I'd go whole hog. The heels went flying as I kicked them off, and the crowd whistled and hollered, probably wondering what this performance was gearing up to be.
I tilted the mic, placed my fingers on the keyboard, and looked up, putting all thoughts of wardrobe behind me. A sea of faces looked back at me, but all I focused on was Ms. Martinez in the first row, next to Esa and Ivan. I looked to the right and saw Kai seated next to my sister. The full Squad was here, along with a sea of lifeguards who were probably recruited by Kai.
"Welcome friends!" I hollered into the microphone. "I'm Hessa Woodland, an English teacher at Surf City High. We're all here to listen to some great music...let's hope." The crowd laughed right on cue. Self-deprecation was always a crowd pleaser. "We're also here to raise money to help support one of my students who was in an unfortunate accident. So focus your audio, don't be parsimonious, and you can Google what that all means later. Enjoy!"
I launched right into my first cover, making a few errors on the keys, but knowing most wouldn't even notice. And if they did, oh well. I was doing my best. I closed my eyes and melted into the music, losing myself to the words and the melody. I found myself more at home on the stage than I ever thought.
After three songs, I took my fingers off the keys and took a sip of water. Time to rip my heart open and let my guts spill out onto the floor.
"Up until a few months ago, no one, absolutely no one knew that I wrote songs in my spare time. It was a creative release for me. I loved stringing words together and putting them to music. So much of my writing had to be academic, but with songwriting, I could break all the rules. Sing about all the emotions. When I was dared to sing in public, I believe it was meant to be a way to humiliate me. But I won't be shamed about my music any longer. In fact, I wholeheartedly thank the misguided soul who dared me. It was the push I needed to do what I should have done a long time ago." I took a long cleansing breath. "So without further ado, I give you three of my own songs."
I played the opening bars on the keyboard to the first one when my fingers locked up and my heart seized. I couldn't do it. Singing other people's songs was one thing. Singing the songs I wrote from the heart, not thinking at the time that anyone would ever hear them? That was insanity.
I lifted my head and frantically searched out Kai in the crowd. I couldn't find him. His seat was empty.
Abandoned.
My heart dropped, a dead hunk of muscle of no use in my body without my music and my man.
I had one second of sheer terror and profound, crippling loss before the first strum of the ukulele hit my ears. I whipped my head around and saw Kai strolling onto the stage, playing the intro to my song. He had it memorized because I'd written it and gone over it endlessly while we sat on the beach and watched the waves a few weeks ago. It was a song about the ocean and the flow of life. The dichotomy of the frenzy of crashing waves and their calming rhythm to the observer.
My heart kickstarted and my fingers came back to life. I picked up the tune on my keyboard and joined him. His eyes never left my face, his warm smile grounding me and reminding me of what I was really doing here. This was about facing my fears and helping my students. My songs could suck and I'd still survive. But together, we'd finish what I'd started.
I launched into the lyrics, my voice stronger than before, my island boy playing a duet with me, the ocean our backdrop.
I wondered briefly how I got here. Whose life was this? How could so much change in so short a period of time?
Perhaps the answer was in my song: each crazy event of late felt like chaos while I was in it. Waves tumbled rocks, no rhyme or reason to the way they crashed. Sand shifted, shells scraped unsuspecting ankles, and riptides pulled people in. The water splashing, the relentless pounding, and the hiss of the foam dispersing. The ocean waves all perfectly described the chaos of my life at the moment. Yet through a different lens, each wave was just a soothing rhythm that calmed the mind and acted as a balm for the spirit.
So here I was.
Instead of sitting idly by, I was going to jump the waves, splash around, and enjoy the water.
19
Kai
Hessa's performance was epic. Not only did she look and sound like a dream, but you could feel the audience getting into her songs. Her lyrics had a way of pulling you in and relaying a feeling. Some songs were introspective, others were about the great unifying emotion of love.
By the end of her three songs, the crowd jumped to their feet applauding. From my corner of the stage, I sat back and just watched her light up. It was like I could physically see her self-confidence jumping by leaps and bounds as the applause extended out. Her face was split in a radiant smile. She threw kisses to her Beach Squad girls in the first row. She bowed and then came over to me.
I felt like my chest would burst with how proud of her I was. I wasn't a brainiac English teacher, and therefore didn't have the words to express how I felt. So I gave her what I could: my love. I kissed her beautiful red lips, took her hand in mine, and walked her off stage.
I wanted to tell her I loved her, but bit my lip to keep the words from spilling out. This was not the time, nor the place. She deserved to be in the spotlight and I wasn't going to distract her from this moment.
The moment we got to the chairs, people swarmed around her, wanting to congratulate her and talk to her. I got pulled away in the rush and went back to the stage to pack her things up for her. If I couldn't be by her side, I'd be in the background supporting her.
As time went on, the crowd began to disperse. I made my way back to Hessa as Brinley and two men I'd never seen before approached her. The guy in a suit introduced himself as a Sony Music executive.
"I enjoyed your songs, Ms. Woodland. If you have more, I'd like to hear those too. Give me a call." He talked fast and handed her a business card with a number handwritten on the back.
Hessa stared down at the card and then back at Mr. Suit. "Th-thank you!" She quickly shook his hand and watched him walk away, jaw hanging open.
Before anyone could say anything, the Beach Squad girls rushed Hessa, grabbing her and jumping up and down. Squeals of excitement filled the air as I backed away. That huddle was no place for a man. The other guy that was with Brinley backed away just as quickly and came up to me to shake my hand.
"DJ Lush. That your girl?" His curly blond hair was in some sort of mohawk formation, probably quite flammable from all the product in it. I may not see the appeal for that type of hair, but he pulled the look off.
"Yep. Looks like things just broke for her." I couldn't seem to wipe the smile off my face. I watched her jumping and laughing with her girlfriends, the jubilation of facing her fears and coming out of it a massive success lighting her up from within.
"Make sure you tell her to get her music to that guy ASAP. He doesn't give out his number very often, so he must've really liked what he heard." With those parting words he moved to walk away.
I stopped him momentarily with a heartfelt thanks and fist bump. I knew he'd been the one to get him here tonight.
"Thank Brinley. She's one of a kind. Figured if she liked Hessa, she must be pretty special too."
I looked back at the huddle of girls, seeing them with new eyes. I always thought girl squads were just a gaggle of girls that laughed a lot and took ridiculous selfies. I should have known that Hessa wouldn't be involved in that sort of thing. The friends she surrounded herself with were the real deal. They supported each other and loved each other unconditionally. We'd all be so lucky to have friends like that.
And then Bailey screamed "Selfie time!" and they all crammed together while she extended her arm and snapped a picture on her phone.
Hessa
After the concert, I'd meant to celebrate with Kai back home, but I basically collapsed into bed in a sleep coma. All the nerves from the week leading up to the fundraiser, along with actually performing in front of a crowd, had sapped my energy.
When I woke up Sunday morning, Kai wasn't in bed next to me. I pouted, wanting to snuggle and enjoy a weekend where we didn't have to rush off to work. A noise outside my bedroom had me sitting up. In walked Kai with a tray of food and a single lily in a vase. A love-sick, goofy grin split my face.
"Good morning. Ready for breakfast, my superstar?" Kai sat the tray on my lap and climbed carefully into bed with me. He picked up one of the cups of coffee on the tray and sipped, watching me intently.
"Morning. Thank you for breakfast in bed. Why such special treatment?" I surveyed the eggs and toast, cut up fruit, and coffee laid out before me.
"Figured we'd celebrate today, starting with breakfast. Plus, I gotta make sure you don't forget about little ol' ukulele-playing me when you meet some hot celebrity guitar player when you sell your first song." Kai winked at me and I knew he was kidding, but I hoped he didn't have any doubts about us.
I took a big bite of eggs and slurped my coffee. "I'd totally reassure you right now, but I've barely eaten all week and I'm starving!" I said with a mouthful of deliciousness.
Kai laughed and settled against the headboard with his coffee. I loved how easy it was to be around each other. I could be sleep disheveled, shoveling food in my mouth, and he still thought I was adorable. That made him a keeper.
I was still chewing my last bite when Kai hopped up and took the tray off my lap.
"Chop, chop. Time to get dressed." He reached down and pulled me out of bed despite my whining and feet dragging.
"What is with you, Kai? Where are we going in such a hurry?" I was normally a much nicer morning person, but after last night's craziness, I was hoping to have some downtime today.
"Just get dressed and I'll tell you on the way." He cupped my face in his hands. "Trust me, you'll like the surprise." Then he kissed me and I tried to deepen the kiss by running my tongue along the seam of his closed lips. He groaned but pulled away.
"Don't distract me, woman," he growled. Then he slapped me on the ass before leaving the bedroom.
Kai pulled the car up to the curb and I glanced around, not recognizing where we were in Costa Mesa.
"Are you going to tell me now?" I'd asked him repeatedly in the car, and each time he'd smirked and kept silent. The boy knew I liked to have things nice and orderly. I think he enjoyed stringing me along with no clue what was going on.
"Payback's a bitch, just so you know," I told him before grabbing my purse and exiting my own car.
The fucker just laughed. I rolled my eyes and pretended to be disinterested when he came around and wrapped me in his arms.
"Don't be mad, Ono," he whispered in my ear. "It's time to put your name on my body."
My head popped up, almost whacking him in the chin. "Tattoo?"
He smiled, grabbing my hand and tugging me along to the tattoo shop a few storefronts away that I hadn't seen yet.
"Oh my God! You're going to do it now?" I was running alongside him to keep up. I was so excited yet oddly nervous about this step in our relationship. I mean, come on. He was incorporating me into a tattoo that would forever be on his body!
When we reached the tattoo shop, he pushed me up against the building, his eyes burning into mine. I was so caught up in his warm body pressed against me, I didn't feel the cold bricks running along my back in the early morning air.
"When you love someone like I love you, Hessa, you don't wait to tell the world. And you aren't afraid to tattoo it permanently on your body."
My eyes widened and my heart started beating out
of my chest. I wasn't sure if I'd heard him correctly. His eyes morphed into that green shade I'd come to love. His voice sounded like sweet music.
"I love you, Ku'uipo."
And then he kissed me, his hands holding my face, then traveling south to pull my hips into his. This felt like more than a passionate kiss from a lover. It was a sacred promise. A vow to always love me. To always back me up when I faltered. To keep me safe. To have someone jump in the waves with me.
I would have spent the day with him like that, canoodling on a public street, but my sister rudely interrupted with a lewd whistle from the shop doorway only feet away.
"Get a room, you two! Actually wait, scratch that. Get in here and get your tattoo first." She winked at me and then went back inside, giving us a moment to collect ourselves.
Kai was breathing hard as he pulled back, putting much needed space between us. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him back in, not ready to break the moment. Making sure I had his full attention, I told him clearly, "I love you too, Kai."
I could have sworn his eyes dilated and his face relaxed. It was like my words were the magic he needed hear to finally be settled.
"I will always miss my island home, but with you here, the mainland is now my home." He kissed me one last time and then dragged me into the shop, holding the door open for me, ever the gentleman.
Back at my house, I put on the lingerie I'd asked Bailey to pick out for me last week. The plan had been to put it on last night after my concert, but I figured tonight would be even better timing. He'd lit my soul on fire by saying he loved me. We'd gotten tattoos. Yes, even I got a tattoo. I'd called the Sony executive after our tattoo session with my sister and I had a meeting set up next week with him.
We had a lot to celebrate.
I pulled the red lacy thong up my thighs, loving the soft scrape it made on my skin. I couldn't wait for Kai to take it back off. A matching, red bustier pushed my breasts into the stratosphere. I was hoping it wouldn't cut off my air supply before Kai got to see me in it. On top of that naughtiness I pulled on my tightest black pencil skirt, the black high heels Kai had once commented on, and a white button down shirt.