I have always been afraid to have children. I didn’t want to give them these parts of me—the hurtling hunger, the shame—but now I know there is no avoiding it. The best I can do is teach them not to fear the dark.
I don’t say any of this to my sister. Instead, I tell her that I can be auntie, friend, sister, or stranger to her children. Whatever she needs. And if she ever needs it, I can be her map.
61
In 1970, 350 years after the Pilgrims landed, the Massachusetts Chamber of Commerce invited a Wampanoag speaker to present at their annual anniversary celebration. That Wampanoag man, Wamsutta James, wrote a speech about his people. He wrote about generosity repaid with enslavement, about the fifty years it took for the Pilgrims to erase the Wampanoag, and the three-hundred-year legacy of poverty, addiction, and discrimination that followed. His speech ended with the statement: “You the white man are celebrating an anniversary. We the Wampanoags will help you celebrate in the concept of a beginning. It was the beginning of a new life for the Pilgrims. Now, 350 years later it is a beginning of a new determination for the original American.”
When planners previewed the speech, they proved what Wamsutta stated elsewhere in it, that “The white man in the presence of the Indian is still mystified by his uncanny ability to make him feel uncomfortable.” They suppressed the speech, and instead Wamsutta and his supporters marched in protest of the celebration, inaugurating what is now known as the National Day of Mourning.
In 1997, state troopers and police used pepper spray on the peaceful marchers, among them children and the elderly.
On Thanksgiving of 2014, my brother and I drive to Plymouth and join the small crowd on Cole’s Hill, where a statue of Massasoit overlooks Plymouth Rock. We stand in the cold and listen to Taino and Wampanoag Elders talk about the legacy of both our tribes.
Some believe that Columbus named the natives “Indians” not out of confusion as to his whereabouts, but from the Spanish expression en Dios, meaning “in God.” As I stand on that hill with my brother, I feel the god in me. That is, I know I belong here. When the Taino Elder shouts, As far as that rock over there? Turn that rock into a shrine for all our people! I know she means my people. And when the Wampanoag Elder, at the end of his speech, gives a harsh call from the back of his throat—more bark than cry—and the crowd raises their fists in air, I know he is calling to me.
As a kid, I used to bury household objects in the yard. Then I’d draw maps to their locations and hide the maps. I first understood this habit to be one of secrecy: there was a darkness in me and I wanted to bury it.
Now I think of the maps. I think that I was learning how to keep track of my hidden things, so that I could find them when I was ready. Not a kitchen spoon or a doll’s leg or a brooch, but myself.
To know where I come from is more than I ever imagined. Some burdens can only be measured by their relief.
62
When I say that I lost myself in love I don’t mean that my lover took something from me. I betrayed myself. I mean that there was already something missing and I poured her into its place. I tried to make her more than herself. Amaia always tried to do a very hard thing the best way she knew how. To leave someone. To love someone. To abandon herself to something true. I know that she was chasing herself in me, too. And I hope that she found it.
It is true that every love is an angel of the abyss. Every lover is a destroyer. I had to be destroyed to become something else. To become more myself. But this freedom? It is worth it. It is worth everything.
If this is what it means to be abandoned, then let me be left. Abandon me.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Making darkness visible is a lonely process, but I have never done it alone. I could not have done it without many of these people. I owe them more than thanks.
To my brilliant and tireless and hilarious agent, Ethan Bassoff, who always calls me back and never suggested that I make this book anything other than what it is. To my family at Bloomsbury USA: Rachel Mannheimer and Nancy Miller—dream editors, Tara Kennedy, Marie Coolman, George Gibson, Laura Phillips, Laura Keefe, Jennifer Kelaher, and everyone whose names I don’t know; and to everyone at Bloomsbury UK, especially Rebecca Thorne and Angelique Tran Van Sang.
To the MacDowell Colony, Virginia Center for Creative Arts, the Vermont Studio Center, the Barbara Deming Memorial Foundation, the Millay Colony, and the Lower Manhattan Cultural Council—all of whom gave me space and/or support during the writing of this book.
To the magazines that published earlier versions of these essays: StoryQuarterly, “The Book of Hours”; Prairie Schooner, “Call My Name”; Salon, “Leave Marks”; The Kenyon Review, “All of Me.” To Lia Purpura and Maggie Nelson for choosing “Call My Name” and “The Book of Hours” respectively as contest winners. To Ariel Levy for giving special mention to “Call My Name” and “All of Me” in the Best American Essays anthology.
To my beloved friends in this life, among them the early champions of this book, my first readers, late-night dance warriors, back-seat editors, Scrabble nemeses, animal-video correspondents, car therapy companions, feminist conspirators, and fellows on the road of happy destiny: Shelly Oria, Nica Davidov, Anna deVries, John D’Agata, Hallie Goodman, Nadia Bolz-Weber, Caitlin Delohery, Jill Jarvis, Syreeta McFadden, Tara Clancy, Hafizah Geter, Emily Anderson, Shoshana Sklare, Nelly Reifler, Amy Gall, Pam Houston, Lydia Conklin, Kirstin Valdez Quade, Domenica Ruta, Cy Gage, Shante Smalls, May Conley, Janhavi Pakrashi, Peter Garner, Vijay Seshadri, Jo Ann Beard, Nick Flynn, Colin Beavan, Jillian Lauren, my Saturday ladies, Erin Stark, Liza Buzytsky, Cindy Cruz, Josh Weil, Ta-Nehisi Coates, Jessie Chaffee, Lidia Yuknavitch, Kiese Laymon, Meghan Daum, Melissa Chadburn, Amy King, Camille Rankine, Lynn Melnick, Cate Marvin, Erin Belieu, Jenn Baker, Antonia Crane, Sarah Hepola, PJ Mark, Lulu Sylbert, Sarah Dohrmann, James Marcus, Melissa Faliveno, Rachel Simon, Bret Anthony Johnston, Amber Dermont, Lacy Johnson, Joshua Wolf Shenk, Deborah Feingold, Katrina del Mar, Gregory Pardlo, Joy Harjo, Amanda Stern, Neil Gaiman, Amanda Palmer, Rebecca Keith, Michelle Campagna, and my hive: Francine Conley, Stephanie Danler, ZZ Packer, Brendan Basham, Tommy Zurhellen, Hilary Gulley.
To Jon Davis, Elissa Washuta, Ken White, Joan Kane, Santee Frazier, Sherwin Bitsui, Toni Jensen, Marie-Helene Bertino, Ramona Ausubel, Claire Vaye Watkins, Derek Palacio, Ismet Prcic, Manuel Gonzales, Chip Livingston, James Thomas Stevens, and all my colleagues and students and fellow writers at IAIA, the place where I first read aloud many of these pages.
To Michael Waters, Mihaela Moscaliuc, Josh Emmons, Alex Gilvarry, Alena Graedon, and all my colleagues at Monmouth University, who have given me and my work a safe harbor just in time to write this book.
To Amaia, who once said to me: “This is important. The idea to tell a story when you question how much of that story belongs to you, and you to it … It is a part of you no matter how big you think your part in it is. It was made for you. You were made from it. You will always belong to it.”
To Jean: I wish everyone had a guide like you.
To my students: nothing has taught me more about writing and the precious gift of witness—you all know who you are.
To my family: I am so lucky. It is not easy to have a writer in the family and you have loved me so well. Thank you for your patience and for making everything possible for me. You are the most extraordinary people. I love you more than I could ever write, but I will keep trying.
A note on “Labyrinths”: Writing about one’s own most powerful experiences often implicates the experiences of others, often those closest to the writer. The ethics of representing others’ lives through the lens of my own subjectivity are complex. I am still learning how to navigate them with care and accountability. I regret that the limits of a single essay do not allow more room to show the immense scope of a subject so broad as “mental illness,” or that of my brother’s own story. My hope is that this essay will encourage those interested to continue reading. My brother’s website is a good place
to start: www.sustainabeast.com/fundamental-illness. There you will find more of this story in his words, and links to further resources.
Abandon Me
Melissa Febos
The following questions are intended to enhance your discussion of Abandon Me.
About this book
In Abandon Me, Melissa Febos, author of the acclaimed memoir Whip Smart, captures the human need for connection. She explores the different ways in which people are connected to others and the world around them: literature, family history, romantic relationships, parenthood, culture. Through the course of the memoir, Febos reconnects with her family and her Native American heritage, while grappling with both understanding the sea captain who raised her and an intense long-distance love affair with a woman. As Febos navigates these threads, she also investigates her own compulsions and instinct for self-erasure.
Abandon Me is a fearless memoir and a penetrating book that considers religion, psychology, and conceptions of sex, mythology, art, and popular culture through visceral prose.
For discussion
1. How does the cover introduce the novel and its themes? Think about the image and the color scheme in relation to the broader work. Did the cover affect the way you approached the book? What emotions does the cover evoke in you?
2. The memoir begins with three epigraphs—one from Carl Jung, one from D. W. Winnicott, and one from Violette Leduc. Do any of the epigraphs stand out more than the others? How do they work in tandem to introduce the novel?
3. The memoir is structured somewhat unconventionally. The first half is a few shorter essays, while the second half is “Abandon Me,” which also serves as the title of the whole collection. How do the shorter essays work with/against the longer one?
4. Febos discusses a strong relationship with books in the early pages of her book. How do the references she makes inform the way she presents her life? Do they ever alienate you?
5. In what ways does Febos concentrate on the ways that people are acknowledged and designated? How do these ways of designation speak back to the relationships between people?
6. In “All of Me,” Febos calls a 1947 portrait of Billie Holiday the “one [she] will wear on [her] body for the rest of [her] life” (91). This is not the only instance of Febos finding kindred spirits in other women. What do these women become symbols of for Febos? How are they a source of comfort? Do you have your own kindred spirits that you gravitate toward?
7. Throughout the book, Febos discusses where she came from. She thinks about her mother, her biological father, and the Captain (her adoptive father). In a moving moment in “Abandon Me,” she discusses how the Captain would take her to her tribe’s powwow grounds so that she could connect with her culture. How do these family members mix with family history to create a complex background that Febos must navigate? How does she perform this navigating? Does she consider herself successful?
8. Febos presents an ever-changing family structure that is marked by absence as much as togetherness. How does she come to terms with the makeup of her family? As she reconnects with her family members, what concessions does she make toward them and toward herself?
9. In “Wunderkammer,” Febos says, “I was not indoctrinated in an ideal of feminine dependency by my mother” (98). In what ways does Febos engage with twenty-first-century ideals of feminism? In what ways does she not? How does the book redefine feminism in its own terms?
10. In “Girl at a Window,” Febos recounts a time in Egypt when her mother was groped but was unable to retaliate. Has Febos internalized anything specific about womanhood from this event? In what other ways does Febos learn about womanhood from her mother?
11. In regard to the Captain, Febos questions: “If he loved us, if he really loved us, where was he” (115)? Part of what she comes to terms with through these stories is understanding how people show love and understanding to what capacity they can love. What conclusions does she come to?
12. At times, Febos connects her romantic connections with the relationships that she has with her two fathers. Where does this intersection lie? Map the progression of her relationships with her fathers against the events in her romantic life.
13. Many of the characters in this book struggle with fidelity. What does Febos say about fidelity? In what ways is fidelity part of love? In what ways is it separate?
14. Febos uses motifs related to water, including but not limited to tears, the sea, seafaring. List the motifs that you noticed as you read. How do they become signposts in the text? Does their meaning change through the book?
15. Much of this memoir deals with the metaphorical consumption of humans by other people. Febos and her lover battle about this often throughout this book. By the end, what has Febos learned, if anything, about the strength of the self?
Recommended reading
Her by Christa Parravani; Fun Home by Alison Bechdel; Naked in the Promised Land by Lillian Faderman; Inferno by Eileen Myles; Sita by Kate Millett; The Argonauts by Maggie Nelson; The Empathy Exams by Leslie Jamison; Notes from No Man’s Land by Eula Biss
A NOTE ON THE AUTHOR
Melissa Febos is the author of the critically acclaimed memoir Whip Smart. Her work has been widely anthologized and appears in publications including the Kenyon Review, Prairie Schooner, Glamour, Guernica, Post Road, Tin House, Salon, the New York Times, the Rumpus, and Goodbye to All That: Writers on Loving and Leaving New York, and her essays have won prizes from Prairie Schooner, Story Quarterly, and the Center for Women Writers. The recipient of an M.F.A. from Sarah Lawrence College, she is currently an assistant professor of creative writing at Monmouth University and M.F.A. faculty at the Institute of American Indian Arts (IAIA), and serves on the Board of Directors of VIDA: Women in Literary Arts. The daughter of a sea captain and a psychotherapist, she was raised on Cape Cod and lives in Brooklyn.
Bloomsbury USA
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BLOOMSBURY and the Diana logo are trademarks of Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
First published 2017
This electronic edition published in February 2017
This paperback edition published 2018
© Melissa Febos 2017
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage or retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publishers.
No responsibility for loss caused to any individual or organization acting on or refraining from action as a result of the material in this publication can be accepted by Bloomsbury or the author.
Author’s note: Many names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the identities of characters herein. Time has been compressed and dialogue approximated. The events are as true to my memory as possible. Literary representation is unavoidably reductive, and for that I am sorry. I had to leave out so much.
ISBN: HB: 978-1-63286-657-8
PB: 978-1-63286-658-5
ePub: 978-1-63286-659-2
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA
Names: Febos, Melissa, author.
Title: Abandon me : memoirs / Melissa Febos.
Description: New York : Bloomsbury USA, 2017. | Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2016011681 (print) | LCCN 2016025070 (ebook) |
ISBN 9781632866578 (hardback) | ISBN 9781632866592 (eBook)
Subjects: LCSH: Febos, Melissa—Family. | Febos, Melissa—Relations with women. | Febos, Melissa—Psychology. | Women—Identity. | Authors, American—21st
century—Biography. | BISAC: BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY / Personal Memoirs.
Classification: LCC PS3606.E26 Z44 2017 (print) | LCC PS3606.E26 (ebook) |<
br />
DDC 818/.603 [B] —dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016011681.
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