“Remember,” Maria said as she dug in. “Only take one this round. Put it back if you get yourself. It will go around once and then come back again and you’ll draw your second name. Then repeat. If you get the same person, draw again. Good?”
“What if the final person has to go again when there’s nothing left?” Kent asked.
Maria closed her eyes. “You’re that person I hate in math class. Let’s just see what happens.”
Everyone shrugged. Josie handed off the hat after she drew a name. Maria picked, then Kent, and then Julian without any issues. Hannah had to reach in again to draw. After she was settled, the cycle repeated itself. Julian drew Kent the first time around, and then Davis when he got the hat again.
Great, he thought genuinely. I get to buy boy gifts. He smiled and tucked the names into his front pockets. He didn’t even bother to look at the third person, since everything had already gone so well.
“Everyone good?”
“Yeah,” Josie said.
Hannah nodded. Maria glared at Kent, happy there had been no issues.
“Okay, everyone remember who they have.”
“So what’s our limit with this?” Davis asked.
“You mean how nice of a present?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Davis said, nodding and rolling his large hands in the air. “Five dollars?”
“Where the hell do you come from?” Maria teased. “Nothing now costs five dollars.”
“Ten?” Davis suggested instead.
“Ten to fifteen. That way the total for everything is at least thirty but no more than fifty. Sound okay?” Maria asked.
Josie and everyone else nodded.
“Excellent.” Maria noted that Josie was still writing down the details. “Thank you, secretary.”
“Anyone have allergies?” Josie asked. “So we know in case someone tries to buy candy for someone else?”
“Penicillin,” Kent said.
“Who on earth would get you penicillin?” Maria asked. “That would be some terrible candy.”
Kent shrugged. Hannah raised her hand at the end of the table. Maria smiled and nodded sympathetically.
“I’m vegetarian. I don’t want anything with fur or….”
“A carcass?” Maria grinned.
“Dammit,” Davis said. “Took that idea right from me. And I was saving all my kills for you.”
“Okay, okay,” Maria said, holding up her hands. “I think we get the picture. Now it’s time to make our deal official.”
“What?”
“You remember,” she said. She stood and walked past them all at the table, bumping Davis and Kent on the head as she moved. She walked back to the food platters and searched among the ruins. When she found a half-empty water bottle, she knocked back the rest of it in a few solid swallows. She put the cap back on the bottle and then walked to her seat at the end of the table, this time walking past Josie and Hannah and bumping them on the head with the plastic bottle. Julian thought he was the only one who got away from Maria’s sudden flirtation—but he was wrong. As soon as she sat down, she placed the bottle pointing right at him.
“I heard in history class that sometimes they used to seal treaties with a kiss. It’s a deal-maker, you know. So it should be appropriate that we play spin the bottle to commemorate our Great Christmas Celebration.”
“Yeah,” Davis said, slapping a hand on the table.
Kent also leaned back, his demeanor proud and eager. Hannah blushed another shade of red, but her smile was evident. The only person who didn’t seem that pleased—other than Julian—was Josie. Her eyes implored Julian as she sighed and put away her notebook, the organization of the party now complete.
“All right,” Maria stated. “Game on. Who’s up first?”
THIS IS going to be okay, Julian told himself. Everything is fine.
Julian rocked in the large office chair, the squeaks of the wheels matching the erratic beating of his heart. At first he managed to convince himself that everything would be fine, since this game of spin the bottle was actually evenly matched. There were three guys and three girls. But as Kent and Davis rose from their seats, spreading out along the conference table, Julian remembered how the world saw him. This was a four-girl, two-guy game. Kent and Davis were spreading out to increase their chances of kissing girls—and not each other.
Julian sighed, almost hearing the echo of “no homo” as Kent and Davis resettled themselves. They rubbed their hands eagerly as they stared at the plastic bottle, thoughts clearly brewing behind their eyes. They wanted to kiss girls—or, better yet, on the next turn, see girls kiss other girls.
“You’re kind of quiet down there,” Maria noted. “Are you okay, Julia?”
He shrugged. What’s so bad about this? It’s not like it’s your first kiss or anything. Just a quick, stupid gimmick. Get over yourself, J. “Yeah, I’m fine,” Julian stated.
“Good. Because I’m hoping to get you when I go.”
Julian rolled his eyes. Josie looked at him with sympathy and Hannah with vengeance. He wasn’t sure who Hannah hated more in that moment, the next person in her affection or her ex for swooping in. There has got to be a gay or straight alliance at this school soon, before Hannah and Maria fight to the death for the next perceived lesbian or bi girl. Julian made a mental note to tackle that battle after he had dealt with his own personal demons.
Maria handed the bottle to Josie first. “Go ahead, dear cousin.”
“Oh, I uhhh. I didn’t volunteer.”
“Don’t be afraid.”
“I’ll go,” Kent said, nodding to Josie sympathetically.
Julian remembered the two of them had met through math class, where Josie helped him with a problem, and then he had protected her from bullies the next period. Josie had been nearly as small and scared as Julian when she started high school but soon made the right kinds of friends.
“Thanks.”
Kent grabbed the bottle, shooting a quick Wish me luck, man look at Davis before he spun. The bottle made a hollow sound against the wood. When it landed on Hannah, Julian let out a breath.
“Nice!” Hannah smiled and stood up from her spot across the table.
Kent, now more nervous than Julian had ever seen him, turned his cheek to the side and waited for Hannah to make the first move. Just as Hannah was leaning in, Maria snapped, “On the mouth!”
“Tongue too?”
Maria shrugged. “Nah, but if you feel like it, go for it. Lips are a must, though. That’s how it counts.”
Hannah and Kent turned toward one another again, laughed, then finally kissed. Quick and dry, clearly done for the sake of doing it. If Julian hadn’t been watching intently, he could have missed it in a blink.
“We’ll warm up,” Maria said, seeming disappointed. “Now Hannah’s turn. Make sure it’s a real kiss this time.”
“What exactly is a real kiss?” Josie asked. “Isn’t a kiss defined by the action of kissing? Like, you just need lips and you press them to other lips, and that’s a kiss.”
“But there has to be a want, a need,” Maria said. Her eyes flared when she looked at Julian. “The person you’re kissing can’t be part of your family, because that’s a familial kiss. You know? It’s done for the sake of comfort, not passion. You also have to be old enough to understand the desire of kissing, so you should probably be in double digits, agewise, before it counts.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s when you really want to start kissing someone. When you try and find situations where pressing your lips together feels good.”
“But tongue doesn’t matter?” Hannah asked, her hands still on the bottle, yet to be turned.
“It does, but later on, you know. Tongues come into play when you really like the person.”
“But this is just a game. So what does it matter now?” Davis said. In spite of his words, his cheeks had already gone quite red.
“That’s right—it is a game. But all games are practic
e for something, you know? Even video games will help you drive later on.”
“Oh God,” Josie said, laughing. “I certainly hope not.”
“Shush, shush,” Maria said, batting her hands. “We’re getting way too distracted. Hannah. Go.”
When Hannah’s bottle stopped directly on Davis, he seemed to forget all of his qualms from before. Since he was now sitting beside her, Hannah only had to swing her chair around to exchange another brief—but definitely longer, more intense than before—kiss.
“And I hear no more complaints,” Maria said, wry smile on her face. “Go, go!”
Davis spun the bottle, landing directly on Josie. She blushed so red that Julian worried she was going to faint or have an attack of some kind. Davis moved to her side of the table, crouching down so she didn’t have to get up. After she pecked him, he got up and returned to his seat with a large smile on his face.
“See?” Maria said. “Not bad at all.”
As the game continued, Julian remembered what it was like to wait around on Christmas Eve. There was the knotting sensation inside his stomach and his full-of-anticipation and rapid-fire thoughts that kept him awake long into the night. When he was a kid, he used to want to sleep on the couch so he could catch Santa in the act of delivering presents. The sheer fact that he could someday glimpse that magic made all his anticipation have meaning and purpose.
Now he knew Santa didn’t exist. That was obvious—but his thoughts still rushed, and his stomach still twisted even now. As the bottle spun for Josie’s next turn, getting Hannah, Julian watched and waited with the same type of anticipation and dread. Glimpsing Santa meant that you saw magic, but you also risked the possibility of ruining the moment. Of not believing anymore. Things were always so much better when you couldn’t see them, because they could be whatever you wanted them to be in your mind. In the conference room, Julian wanted to close his eyes. He didn’t want to see the bottle spinning anymore for fear it would ruin some of the allure that being a teenager had. Maybe it would also ruin the honesty of kissing, since he would be forced to let a random plastic bottle decide, instead of his emotions.
But do I even want to kiss anyone in here? Julian’s skin grew hot at the thought, knowing there was a definite answer. He pushed whatever the budding realization about his love life was to the side. I can’t do that now. Not when I have so many other things to do.
When Hannah spun, she got Josie again, leaving Josie to spin for the second time in ten minutes.
“Let’s hope you have some diversity this time. I’m all about diversity,” Maria said, only to watch as the bottle landed on her.
Davis and Kent burst out laughing. “I see we did not think this through in our plans.”
“Shut up,” Maria said. She looked at Josie and shrugged. “Whatever. We’re just cousins, and it’s not like I’m going to use tongue.”
Josie and Maria kissed in a blink. And now, with the bottle in Maria’s power, Julian began to feel the weight of circumstance on him. There was no way his odds could keep going the way they were. Everyone at the table had been kissed but him. He closed his eyes in an extended blink. Waiting. Hoping. His stomach in knots like he was seven again.
Maria licked her lips and then held up a hand before she spun. “I just want to touch up,” she said. She pulled out her lip gloss and began to put it on using her reflection against the mirror of the conference room. She seemed to linger there, watching the room’s reflection as well. She laughed again and then finally spun.
Julian closed his eyes. He only opened them when the hollow sound of the bottle moving ceased inside the room. He peeked and saw the bottle end at his side. Crap. He closed his eyes again.
“That’s not quite on Julia,” Hannah said. “It’s more on me, I think.”
“No,” Davis said. “It’s definitely Julia. You have to let other people have some fun sometimes, Hannah Wilson.”
Hannah scoffed. “Screw off, Davis. You just want to watch women kiss.”
“There is nothing wrong with that,” Davis insisted. “I am a perfectly healthy teenage boy.”
“Guys. Guys! Don’t I have a choice in the matter?” Maria asked. When Julian opened his eyes, Maria stared directly at him as she continued to speak. “Doesn’t Julia have a choice in the matter?”
“Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of the game? It’s all up to chance,” Kent said.
“Oh, come on. The game is strategy and nothing but.”
“This isn’t war.”
“No,” Maria said. “But this is still getting what I want.”
Maria jumped up from her conference chair, the squeaky wheels protesting as she did. She walked the length of the table, stopping where the bottle lay in between Hannah and Julian. She looked at Julian first. “So what do you say? Is this good for you?”
Julian nodded, very slightly.
“I’m sorry? What was that answer?”
He nodded again.
“I want to hear you say yes or I’m going to go to Hannah, who I know will say yes.”
Hannah narrowed her eyes again, angry. Julian could spot the exact moment her sudden flame for him disappeared from her eyes. Thank God. Hannah was way too high maintenance to handle for everyday activities. Maria liked to pretend to be high maintenance, but like she said, she just wanted games.
And, Julian reminded himself, she said she wanted you.
He sighed again. “Yeah, sure. It’s pointing at me.”
Maria smiled. “Good.”
Julian stayed in his seat, unsure of what to do. He scanned the crowd for some answers, but they were all fixated on Maria. She seemed to be moving slower than everyone else, who did a quick kiss and moved on. She was drawing it out, like notes of music. Julian’s chest constricted as Maria placed her hand on his shoulder. He balled his hands into tiny fists as she drew closer and closer, so much he could feel her breath against his skin.
But he did not back down. He realized, more than anything else, he didn’t want to back down. Not ever.
We used to believe in Santa, Julian thought just as Maria’s mouth met his own. All of us in this room, in some form or another, waited up on Christmas Eve hoping for something more. Now all we have are bodies and kisses. Did Maria’s kiss count as something real, or was it too solicited? He wondered how much of her breath on him was driven by that want and need she described before, or if it was all a hoax like most beliefs were when you got old enough to understand.
Either way, Julian liked it. The kiss was dry and quick; he was sure it didn’t last more than five seconds. But those seconds spread out in his mind and filled up an entire section of his brain that he hadn’t touched in years. Maria’s fingers against his shoulder, digging in a little as their lips touched and moved once before pulling apart, were cataloged and stored away in his mind. She became an index to him, a section of Dewey decimal points he could trace and discover again and again, whenever he needed to.
The guys in the room were cheering, but Julian blocked them out. He shifted his body so his back was to Kent and Davis. Maria did the same, so her back was toward Josie and Hannah. The kiss became private then, just for the two of them, for the final remaining seconds.
This isn’t even my first kiss. This is maybe second or third or something else. Why is this so important? Maria wasn’t even using tongue, in spite of how much she had talked up the act. But Julian’s mind swirled with possibilities he couldn’t articulate and wanted to keep.
I’m normal now, he realized. I’m a boy—because Maria also likes boys—and right now, we’re just kissing like any other straight couple would. He pressed against her harder then, initiating more than anyone in the room probably expected him to. He could feel Maria’s breath change as he did, opening up a little more. Tongues still didn’t come out, but Maria’s shifted. She turned, moving into him, allowing the kiss to go a second longer than before. And that feeling—the feeling of being straight, of being a guy inside her arms—was almost as good as
being kissed itself.
Then it was over. Their five seconds ticked by and their bodies moved apart. Julian was about to reach for her, maybe grab her hand, when he caught their reflection inside the mirror in the conference room. Her lip gloss had gotten on him, and he saw himself as the world saw him. As Julia, not Julian.
And the moment was gone.
“Well,” Maria said, touching the side of her mouth where her lip gloss had smudged. “Now that wasn’t too bad, was it?”
Julian shrugged.
“Good. Because it’s your turn.”
Julian sighed, picking up the bottle, and surrendered to the rest of the game.
Chapter Nine
“DAD?”
Damien looked up from his dinner. “Yes, J?”
“Do you have anything you need to do tonight? I was hoping you could drive me to the mall.”
“What for?” Sarah asked, cutting in. She tore at a piece of bread, then set it down on her plate. For the last fifteen minutes, Julian had listened while she talked about a lab report and the funding nightmare scenario that was happening at her university. Julian hadn’t heard many of the details. He kept playing the kiss over, again and again, in his mind.
“My friends and I are going to have a Secret Santa party. I need to get one of the gifts soon, since it’s on Friday.”
“I thought those were supposed to happen closer to Christmas? We’re barely into December now.”
“Yeah, but we’re going to do things a little differently,” Julian said, trying to condense the long and winding reasons his friends had given him for the start of their celebration. “We wanted to make December a little more bearable before exams, so we’re going to have three get-togethers and exchange three Secret Santa gifts. We decided to start on Saint Nicholas’s birthday—so the sixth. Then another after that, around the thirteenth, and the last one will be on the twenty-first, for the Winter Solstice.”
“Huh. Impressive,” his mother said, nodding along. “I suppose the day itself doesn’t really matter. It’s not like there is any real meaning in it. If Jesus was born, he was probably born in March.”
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