At least it’s not makeup. Anything is better than makeup, right? Julian had once received a makeup set from one of his aunts on his thirteenth birthday. He had been so embarrassed by the gift, he hid it under his bed, never to look at it again. Maybe I can pretend this stuff is for a dude, he thought, eyeing the lotion in the gift basket. Men could wear patchouli, right? And men still needed hand lotion. Julian didn’t want to think in sexist terms, not like the photographer who had taken his picture on school day. Men could do just the same things that women could do, and vice versa. But as Julian removed the bottle from the packaging while everyone was still oohing and ahhing over their own gift, he noticed the huge For Her written on it in gold. He smiled, somewhat saddened, and then lifted his eyes.
“What do you think?” Hannah asked.
Julian repeated all the nice words his mother had prepped him with anytime he got a gift. It’s never about the gift itself—always the giver. Make sure you tell them you appreciate their gesture, even if you hate it. Julian spoke the words, all too familiar. “It’s good. Thank you very much.”
“You really like it?” she asked, sensing some kind of skepticism.
Julian did his best to nod, then smile. “Yeah, totally. Couldn’t have done better myself.”
AS EVERYONE ogled their gifts, Julian tried to forget about his own. When he glanced up and looked through the commotion of paper and exclamations, Kent was wearing the tie loosely around his neck.
“You like it?”
“Yeah! I don’t have a tie!” Kent said.
“And you clearly don’t know how to tie it,” Maria said, snickering. She touched the loose ends around Kent’s throat, considering the tie more than Kent. “I really thought everyone and their dog had one of these winter ties.”
“Nah,” Kent said. “No one in my family does, actually. And I’m not really the suit type of guy, but my mom’s been eggin’ me on to wear something. So thanks, Julia. I’ll wear it soon enough.”
“And learn to tie?” Maria asked, still teasing.
Kent rolled his eyes but nodded.
“Good,” Julian said. “I’m so glad you like it.”
As Kent nodded and opened his bag of candy, Julian tried to feel better. If giving really was about the giver, then he should be happy. Kent liked his present, and Julian clearly knew what he was doing. Anytime he looked down at the bodywash and lotion, he tried to think of other ways to use it. Maybe I’ll just give it to my mom. Yeah, that would work. He felt bad about regifting, but he figured, at least that way someone would walk away happy. Always about the giver, never the receiver. Julian turned his attention toward his friends to see what they had received in all of this. Maria was still holding up a nice cardigan sweater Davis had gotten for her.
“Nice! I like it. You have good style, Davis.”
“Nah, that would be my sister. I have no idea about clothing.”
“It would be okay if you went into the women’s section, you know,” Maria teased. “You’re not gonna catch boobs or something.”
If only it were that easy, Julian thought. He would hang out in the men’s section all day long and would probably already have a beard by now. Maria threw the sweater on over her T-shirt. Though it bunched up in places, it looked really nice. From Maria, Josie got a couple of notebooks that she always carried around with her and a ton of office supplies.
“Thanks!” Josie said, her voice high pitched with excitement.
Again, Julian felt his heart throb and his head hurt with jealousy. Josie’s gift wasn’t gendered. That wasn’t fair. Out of all the things he could have been given, why did it have to be bright pink bodywash? Ugh. He read books. Everyone knew he read books. Even if someone got him a gift card to Chapters, it would have been better. He sighed and tried to temper his responses, because at this rate, he would not get through anything until Christmas without acting like a spoiled brat.
Davis received a gift card to Tim Hortons from Kent, along with a Christmas mug, while Hannah received a stuffed animal holding a new charm for one of the bracelets she always wore from Josie. As the small bear was passed around and Hannah slipped the charm onto her bracelet, everyone calmed down and the TV called their attention once again.
“Well, that was super fun. But let’s get into the movies right now.”
Maria didn’t wait for a consensus before flicking on the DVD again. She used the remote from her seat to fast-forward through the really old 1990s previews for movies, then paused as the lion appeared on the screen, ready to roar for MGM.
“I welcome you,” Maria stated, extending her arms, “to one of the finest cinematic masterpieces.”
The room groaned, but Maria would not falter. If anything, Julian admired her perseverance in the face of bad taste. He smiled at her, genuinely laughing at her jokes. When she nestled back into the couch, her hands were on his back.
“Hey. Come sit on the couch with us,” she said quietly. “You’re going to have to twist and turn to see the screen from the floor, so it’s better up here. Trust me.”
Julian could feel the slight crick in his neck from turning to watch the film where he sat but still shook his head. “Nah, don’t worry. I like the floor more. But thank you.”
“Sure. When your neck hurts in English tomorrow, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“I won’t.”
“Good.” She winked at him, then returned her attention to the DVD. Julian leaned into the coffee table, his neck smarting. But he could still feel where Maria’s fingers had touched his shoulder, and he cherished that most of all.
That’s a good enough present, he thought. For now, anyway.
HALFWAY THROUGH the film, Maria paused it. She did so without asking, so much that even Josie and Hannah, who had gotten over her Macaulay Culkin nit-picking, scrambled with the sudden stop of action.
“Hey! What gives?”
“What?” Maria said. “This is an intermission. Let’s all go to the lobby, except this is me just really needing to pee. You guys can make popcorn, though, if you want. We have some, right, Josie?”
Josie shrugged. “Maybe. We should probably stretch anyway and look around.”
Kent pulled out his phone, his eyes bulging as he reviewed messages. “I may have to go anyway.”
“Oh no,” Maria said. “Can you at least wait until I’m back from the bathroom before you run away without waiting? It’s very rude if you say no.”
Kent smiled, then nodded. Maria scrambled down the hallway and into the bathroom, while Josie and Hannah continued to make loud noises from the kitchen. She seemed to be actually making popcorn on the stove, from kernels she had found in the storage area, while Hannah tried to figure out an easy way to get butter on the finished product.
“They’re going to burn the house down, aren’t they?” Davis asked.
Julian couldn’t help but snicker.
“Okay, okay,” Maria said, running back from down the hall. “I’m here. And I guess you can go now, Kent. Stay longer for the next get-together, though?”
“Definitely. I’ll try.”
As Kent ambled toward the front hallway and dug for his shoes in the large pile, Julian rose as well. The Bath and Body Works set was heavy in his backpack as he flung it over his shoulder.
“I should probably head home now too,” he added. “If that’s okay.”
“So soon?” Maria and Hannah both said at the same time. Hannah stuck her nose out from the kitchen, the house now smelling of popcorn. Julian’s stomach rumbled as he nodded.
“Yeah, sorry. My mom’s going through something for her degree, so I gotta be around to help out with dinner since my dad’s busy at work too.”
“Hmm, well, okay,” Maria said, scrunching up her nose. “I guess that’s okay.”
“See you at school,” Hannah added, disappearing into the kitchen again.
Julian nodded, giving everyone who was left in the living room a small wave before he made his way quickly though the darkened
hallway. Kent was already gone, allowing him to find his shoes really fast and slide them over his socks. When he glanced up, Maria was still there.
“Merry Christmas, you filthy animal,” she said, quoting from the movie.
“Yeah,” Julian laughed. “You too.”
WITH HIS iPod headphones in, it took Julian a moment to realize that someone was following him. The huffing of breath in cold weather, along with the shuffle of boots against concrete, made him take out one earbud and pause just before a crosswalk. When he saw Josie’s curls bounce as she hurried over the salted sidewalks, he let out a breath. Her arms flailed slightly in her dark jacket, her scarf barely around her throat. She was small and completely determined to catch up to him before he had gone too far.
“Josie?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “How long have you been here?”
“Too long,” she huffed. “Why didn’t you hear me?”
Julian held up the earbuds. Black Sabbath still blasted out of them. Josie noted this with a wry grin, her cheeks still red from running.
“Well, I’ve got you now. Thanks for stopping.”
The crosswalk turned to the white figure walking, but Julian stayed put. Josie had a hand over her chest, still catching her breath. Julian shuffled from side to side, pausing the song on his iPod since it was one of his favorites and he didn’t want to miss the rest.
“You’re missing the movie, you know,” he said. “And probably a lot of popcorn.”
“Eh, I’ve seen it a million times. You’re forgetting that I live with Maria, so I’m almost always exposed to her bad taste.”
“Fair enough.” Julian watched as the white figure became the red hand. “Why are you here, then?”
“Are you okay? You seemed a little flustered when you were leaving.”
Julian laughed. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
“You left early. I don’t think anyone but me has ever left a party of Maria’s early.”
“Kent did.”
“Kent’s different.”
“And I’m not?”
“Not like Kent is.”
Julian folded his arms across his chest. “I’m fine, Josie. Really. I’ve just gotta head home, but thanks for being concerned.”
As Julian crossed the street, he still heard Josie’s footsteps behind him. He groaned, realizing he still couldn’t listen to his music. “And why do you go? If you’re the only other person who leaves Maria’s get-togethers, why do you?”
A flash of anxiety moved across her face, setting her expression into something harder. “Really? ’Cause someone usually makes fun of me.”
Julian snorted, then tempered his expression when Josie still looked deathly serious. They had both stopped on the sidewalk, their stances more confrontational than he meant them to be. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh at you like them.”
“Don’t worry. I know. You’re different than them. And Maria doesn’t hang out with those kids anymore, either. So I’m pretty lucky now.”
“Well, that’s good, then. But I’m still gonna go.”
“Then can I come with you?” Josie asked.
“Why? You’re not running or hiding from anything anymore, so what’s the point?”
“Well, I like you.”
Julian stiffened, but he could tell right away that Josie didn’t mean in the same way as Maria. She meant as a friend, nothing more. Julian suddenly wished he had more classes with her so they could talk candidly like this more.
“I like you too,” Julian said.
“Good. Then it’s settled.”
Josie walked alongside him, then past him, taking the lead. With a shrug, Julian followed behind her. He could spot the sly smile on her face as he did, but she didn’t rub in her accomplishment like Maria would have—which only made Julian like her more. The heavy weight in his chest from the party eased as he walked alongside her, almost to the point where he didn’t need his music anymore to keep himself calm.
“So where are we headed?” Julian asked. “I don’t have to be home yet. At least not until seven or so.”
“Great. In that case, I know the perfect place to hide.”
“Okay,” Julian said. “That sounds pretty good, right about now.”
Chapter Twelve
“THE LIBRARY?” Julian asked. They were still in the middle of crossing the street, but there could only be one place Josie was taking him to on the other side. The public library was a tall brick building with brass lettering on its glass automatic doors. The sun was setting behind the structure, creating a halo around the building.
Josie rolled her eyes at Julian’s question, as if he should have thought of this before. “Come on. I have so much homework that I need a space to put it down,” she said. “And besides, it’s nice and quiet.”
“I guess. You know,” Julian began, lowering his voice as they stepped through the doors, “my dad once told me that kids in Finland only have a half hour of homework a night. And that’s if they get any at all.”
“Why? That seems like it defeats the purpose.”
“Not really. It means that kids feel better about asking questions and learning while in class. Most of the teachers there have master’s degrees, so they’re better equipped to deal with questions. Students are allowed to progress without standardized testing too.”
“No testing?” Josie’s eyes were wide as she selected a table near the back of the library, pulling out the chair and dumping her bag down. “How do they know what grades to assign?”
“Well, I’m sure there are tests in school. Just not government ones.”
“Huh. Why don’t we live there?”
“I don’t know. Canada is okay, though. Especially compared to the US. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.” Julian slumped into a chair across from Josie. Damien, while running for town council a few years ago, had told Julian a lot about the different education systems. Mostly so he could remember it later on in his campaign and not quite for Julian’s benefit, though Julian was surprised now with how much he recalled. When Josie took out her notebook and textbooks, Julian found himself asking, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Josie laughed. Then she saw he was serious. “Oh. Well. That’s complicated.”
“How so?”
“Um.” Josie flipped open her notebook, then turned a page around to face Julian. In between the notes on math was a dog in the corner of the page, biting where the binder paper holes were. The same dog appeared in the corner, with the same colored-in patches over its fur. “Well, there’s this,” Josie finally said. “Cassidy.”
“Cassidy?”
“Yeah,” Josie said, shrugging a little. “He’s kind of like Clifford the Big Red Dog, only Cassidy always lives in my homework.”
“He’s yours? You’re not drawing him from somewhere else?”
She shook her head with a large smile. “I mean, I’m probably basing him off Clifford or whatever memory I have in my mind of kids’ shows. But for the most part, this dog is all mine. I have others too.” She took back her notebook and flipped over to a new page. There was a dragon with large jagged teeth, a dog with several puppies around its belly, and some other weird creature with jagged teeth.
“What’s that?”
“I don’t know. But I was thinking a hybrid between a dog and a dragon.”
“Uh-huh,” Julian said, smiling. “I’m sensing a theme, here.”
“I like dogs.”
“Do you have one?”
She shook her head. “My mom’s allergic. Our landlord doesn’t like them either.”
“That’s a shame.” Julian handed back the book. “What do you want to do with Cassidy and all the others?”
“You mean as a ‘job’?” she said, using air quotes around the word. “I guess I’d like to be an artist… or do a kids’ show or something. I haven’t really thought about it.”
“That’s neat,” Julian said. “But what if you couldn’t do anything with it when you go
t older? What would happen to your dream then?”
“You’re a downer,” she said. Her face sank for a moment, and she folded the notebook, so now the cover, which read Fall Math, stared back at them both. “I don’t know. I think it’d still be a dream, even if I couldn’t do it. That’s what a dream is, right?”
“But doesn’t it have to be reachable? Then it’s just fantasy.”
“I draw dog-dragons. I think fantasy is pretty awesome,” she countered, then sighed. “And I’ve had to be realistic all the damn time. Why would I continue?”
“Me too, you know.”
“And what do you want to be when you grow up?” Josie asked, her voice slightly mocking his prior question.
“Answer my question first,” Julian said. “What will you do if you can’t be an artist? If you couldn’t get your dream?”
“I’ll always be an artist, though. No one can take that away from me. Even now, just look at where my dogs live—inside my boring old math notes. I’ll keep doing that, I suppose. Even if I have to doodle on bills or resumes or something else adult-like. I still do that now sometimes.”
“Huh.” Julian nodded. “You’re really positive.”
“It helps when things are bad.”
“Are things always this bad?”
“Not always-always. But enough.” Josie’s smile faltered. “But people tend to think I’m an idiot because I’m happy when there’s no reason to be.”
“I don’t think you’re an idiot,” Julian said. “I don’t want you to think I meant that earlier. I didn’t. I just… want to know what to do when people don’t get their dreams. Because how realistic is that, really? Look at here. How many people here probably had a dream to work in a library?”
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