Then that was it. He skated over to his new friends by the apartment complex, where they gave one another high fives and cheered. No hello, not a wave, nothing. After years of friendship, Aiden couldn’t even be bothered to insult him.
And Julian felt like crap. He had done such a good job avoiding Aiden since their last meeting together. He spent so much more time at home, not bothering with any of the old haunts after school. And whenever Julian had gone out at night—listening to his stupid melodramatic playlist, for a film Aiden had wanted to see in the first place—he’d thought of Aiden, hoping to run into him, but never did.
So seeing Aiden almost felt like a violation. Now that he had Maria and wanted her, now that he was so close to becoming someone new, his past came up and tried to pin him down again and remind him of who he was. Julian closed his eyes, hissing in a sudden breath as memories pricked at his skin.
“Crap,” Julian said, turning way.
“Hey, hey, you’re fine now.” Maria straightened his scarf, then smiled at him. “You didn’t slip, and we’re going to head back. No big deal, right?”
When Julian didn’t answer, Maria took his hand again and pressed the button for the crosswalk. She remained quiet as they crossed, only squeezing his hand in encouragement.
“So, you and Aiden. Bad ex?”
“No, I told you ages ago. He and I never dated.”
“That was something else, then.”
“Yeah,” Julian said, calming down a little. “It’s just a long, long story.”
“Ah. Well, maybe you’ll tell me someday.”
Maria smiled, her nose crinkling as she did. In the backdrop of the streetlamps and the Christmas lights, a small halo formed around her dark hair. Julian’s heart thudded again, and slowly, he felt back on track. He was about to open his mouth again when Maria squealed.
“What?”
“Look!” She pointed to the sky, just as a big snowflake fell down. “It’s finally happening! The snow!”
Julian didn’t bother to tell her that this wasn’t exactly the first snow of the year. He knew she’d fight him, tell him it’d be the first snow that stuck, that was for sure. And he liked that he knew what she was going to say. As more flakes fell, they littered her hair with shimmering light and made her look even better than before.
“You’re really pretty,” he said, letting the words come out of his mouth this time.
Maria nodded.
“Thank you. You’re not so bad yourself.”
Their eyes met, and Julian wondered if the snow in his hair looked the same way. Maria’s expression changed. A slight trill of desire, or maybe something else, went over her. Just when Julian worried they’d kiss, the approaching footsteps of Davis and Josie sounded.
“Where did you two go?”
“Nowhere,” Maria said sharply. She pointed to the sky again. “Look! Snow!”
“I see that. I do have eyes,” Josie said but then looked up with wonder. Davis’s hand rested on her shoulder, his cheeks apple red from the cold.
“What time is it?” Julian asked.
“About ten to ten,” Josie said. “Yikes. When did that happen?”
“When you two were over there making out, obviously,” Maria teased.
Josie went as red as Davis’s cheeks, then shrugged.
“I have to go,” Julian said after the jabs were complete. “My dad’s expecting me.”
“Okay,” Maria said. She pulled him aside after he said good-bye to Davis and Josie, holding her phone out as she did. “I need your number. Your real one—not your dad’s.”
“Oh. Right.” He listed it off, then felt his phone buzz in his pocket. She had sent him a small smiley face with her name below it. He entered it into his phone with some difficulty, since snowflakes started to cloud up the screen.
“I really do have to go now,” Julian said. “But I had fun.”
“Good.” Maria held out her arms, waiting for a hug. As they embraced, she rubbed her hands up his back, then crooked her chin into his neck to whisper in his ear. “Because I really had fun too. But tell me what you wanted? Over text? I know you have to go.”
“Yes I do.” Julian looked over the pathway that would take him to his house. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“Or at least text me good night,” Maria said. “I don’t ask for much.”
Julian’s heart panged. “Of course. I can do that.”
“Good.”
She gave his hand a final squeeze, then let go. Julian lingered, debating once, twice, and then forgoing the kiss before he walked home. There would be time. He didn’t want to kiss until she knew for sure who she was kissing. Yes, this decision was for the best.
And yet…, his mind wondered. He looked back once, but the storm had already started, and he could see nothing but snow.
Chapter Fifteen
WHEN JULIAN came home, his mother was still on the couch. Her notes were crinkled on one side, as if she had fallen asleep in the chair. He tried to be quiet as he took off his shoes, but she heard right away and went to meet him at the doorway.
“Welcome home,” she said. “I won’t say that you’re late. It’s only ten minutes. Did you have a nice walk?”
“Yeah. It was good.” Julian smiled, more than he expected.
“Who did you go with?”
“Just some kids from school. Dad didn’t say?”
She shook her head. “What kids? The girl from before or Aiden?”
“Not Aiden,” Julian said, his jaw tight. “Josie. She came by before.”
“Ah, okay. You haven’t seen Aiden in a while, though. Is everything okay?”
“It’s complicated. Why don’t you talk to his mom and she can fill you in on all the neighborhood gossip.”
“Hey….” His mom paused, her blue eyes flaring at his tone. “Watch it. Apologize, please.”
“Why? I didn’t say anything wrong.”
“The way you said it was rather insulting. People talk—that doesn’t mean it’s gossip.”
Julian sighed, leaning against the doorway. When he and Aiden were still little kids, their mothers had met at a local Gymboree class. While they talked nonstop, Julian and Aiden pretty much had to get along with one another. As it turned out, Aiden liked to play guitar and Julian liked piano, so they had their instruments while their mothers talked. It was a common thing, something Julian knew better than to mock, even if only in the slight way he had. Especially since, as soon as Aiden’s parents got divorced, their weekly gabfest stopped.
“Sorry. I think I’m a little cold from the walk, and I need to warm up.”
“Thank you for the apology. Come into the kitchen, and I’ll make you some cocoa.”
“No, it’s okay. I think I just want to go upstairs and to bed, you know?”
His mother nodded, her lips drawn together in a concerned expression. “You sure you’re all right, Julia?”
“I’m fine, Mom. Just tired and cold. Don’t worry, okay?”
“And Aiden?”
“That I can’t answer,” Julian said. “But I think he’s fine. I don’t know. He’s a teenager. You know how teenagers are.”
“Especially boys,” she said with a small laugh. “Oh, I do miss him, in spite of all the hell he raised.”
“Yeah, I know,” Julian said as he headed toward his room. “You don’t have to tell me twice.”
THAT NIGHT Julian dreamed about Aiden. First the images came out of order, like a torn-up photo album after a house fire. He saw Aiden as a young kid, trying to balance this too-big guitar on his knee and attempting to play it, though he was just dreadful. Julian saw his own hands, super small, trying to reach keys on a large grand piano in Aiden’s front hallway. His mother, Magda, listening in on their progress and then bringing cookies. Then later on, when Aiden’s father was around, they would all listen to vinyl records by Queen, Black Sabbath, and the Rolling Stones while lying on the carpet. Whenever Magda would complain, they’d put on headphones
and take turns sharing the music while the other looked through the album art.
Then Julian saw the same piano with bills piled high on it. Empty boxes in the front hallway and Aiden breaking his guitar in a fit of rage. It was never replaced and instead swapped out for video game controllers and Guitar Hero.
Julian’s dream took focus there, finally unfolding in a sequence Julian knew very well. Though it was hard, he willed himself to stay asleep so he could finish the thought.
ONE NIGHT in the early summer when the bugs were still out but it wasn’t too hot, they headed back to Magda’s for a sleepover. They were only about twelve, just barely, so it still wasn’t a weird thing. Not yet, anyway. Both Aiden and Julian had known one another since they were babies, so it was still odd to think of themselves as boy and girl. And Julian didn’t even do that. Back then, though, he had been given no reason to think of himself as different. When he was with Aiden, even if all they did was play video games and watch movies, he felt like he belonged.
Down in Aiden’s basement, they had taken every blanket from the hall closet and made a fort in front of the TV.
“Do you want your own blanket?” Aiden asked. “Or do you want to share a bigger one?”
“I’m fine with sharing. It’s warmer that way,” Julian said.
Aiden gave Julian an odd look before tossing him a blanket with a Batman symbol on it.
“What?” Julian asked.
“Nothing. Never mind.” Aiden went back to watching whatever was on TV, and so did Julian, until he caught Aiden staring again. Julian grabbed a handful of popcorn and tossed it at him.
“What?” Julian asked, more insistent this time. “I will toss the entire bucket at you unless you explain what you’re thinking!”
“It’s weird,” he said. “I just always forget you’re a girl.”
“Yeah, me too,” Julian said with a roll of his eyes. He scooped up a large handful of popcorn and ate it bit by bit. His chest felt empty, hollow—like the inside of Aiden’s old guitar.
“Are you tired?” Aiden asked a little while later. “I think I want to play video games, but you look tired.”
“Yeah, I kinda am, actually.”
“You don’t mind if I play while you’re sleeping?”
“Headphones, please.”
“Obviously.”
“Then no, go ahead.”
As Julian curled up on the side of the couch, Aiden put in a game. It was Guitar Hero, and the neon colors of the guitar strings danced across Julian’s vision. Though Aiden thought he was asleep, Julian watched as he moved his fingers over the chords. There was no sound, but Julian knew the song by heart—“Cherub Rock” by Smashing Pumpkins. It made him feel alive, and most of all, the song reminded him of Aiden.
When Julian woke up the next morning, Aiden was on the couch with him, curled up in the same blanket and still playing Guitar Hero.
“Did you even sleep?” Julian asked.
“Oh. Morning,” Aiden said, hanging the headphones down over his neck. “And yeah, I did. But I just woke up and didn’t want to bother you.”
Julian looked around the room, then realized it was the basement, so there was no easy clock to check.
“Don’t worry,” Aiden said. “I heard your mom come in about fifteen minutes ago. She woke me up, actually. We have at least an hour with the way they talk.”
“Hah,” Julian said. He flopped back down on the couch dramatically and buried his head in the pillow. “I was thinking at least a day.”
“Or that. Either way, time for a game.”
As Aiden went back to play, he unhooked the headphones from the TV so Julian could hear the song. He followed along with Aiden’s chords, pressing down on a phantom guitar. About halfway through, Julian suddenly became aware of Aiden’s eyes on him. Like the night before, he seemed to be examining his face from profile, as if he could crack a code.
“What?”
“How come you don’t dress like other girls?” Aiden asked. “You could be really pretty.”
“Hah,” Julian laughed again. “That’s a shitty compliment. Like saying you could be smart if you just tried harder.”
Aiden looked down, the game fizzling out. “That’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean, then?” Julian asked. He hated the looks he got at school over his constant T-shirts and refusal to wear dresses. He had no interest in what the other girls liked, and in spite of his long hair, he looked just like a boy. Even when his beginning breasts hurt underneath his bras, he could ignore it. Hide it. He looked up now and saw Aiden’s eyes linger there.
Julian folded his arms across his chest. Something quickened inside him. He had heard girls in the hallway talk about kissing and getting kissed. So many of them romanticized the idea of a boyfriend, but Julian had never been interested. Why would he want a boyfriend when he already had Aiden? Those thoughts, once so benign, came flooding back to him with a sudden heat and excitement attached to them.
Julian looked back over at Aiden. He was still staring. He moved closer. Something stirred inside of Julian again, a recognition he had not seen before. He moved closer to Aiden now. And Aiden seemed just as shocked by Julian’s movement as Julian did.
“What did you mean before?” Julian asked. “You never answered me.”
“I just said you looked pretty,” Aiden said. “But sometimes it doesn’t make sense.”
“Why doesn’t it make sense?”
Aiden shrugged. Julian thought the conversation was over. They’d go back to playing video games and waiting for their mothers to finally finish talking. But suddenly, and just like the movies, Aiden leaned over. He touched Julian’s face, as if making sure it was real. He almost doesn’t believe I’m a girl. At the time, Julian didn’t quite have the word he needed to describe himself and went along with what people told him. But this moment, where even Aiden wasn’t sure and had to double-check, made Julian think again about robots.
“I’m not a robot,” Julian had said. The sudden blush rushed to his face, and Julian wanted to hide. “Oh God. Why did I say that?”
“I don’t know,” Aiden said, laughing and letting go of Julian’s face. “But that was hysterical.”
“Ignore me, please.”
“I usually do,” Aiden joked. “But now I’m kinda curious.”
Then his laughter stopped. Just like that, like flicking a switch. Aiden shifted closer on the couch, knocking Julian closer to him as well. When he reached up to touch Julian’s face this time around, he was ready for it. Prepared. And they tried again. Julian remained quiet as Aiden put his lips against his, and after a time, Julian kissed back. Soft, then pressing harder with urgency. They kissed with lips only, no tongue. Julian grasped at Aiden’s shoulder before pulling away. When it was over, they stared at one another for a long time.
“So,” Aiden said. “That was—”
A phone rang, cutting him off. The two of them scrambled apart on the couch as they heard feet stomping above them and the basement door suddenly open. Aiden grabbed the blanket, holding it around himself as he moved in front of the discarded controller for Guitar Hero and hit Play on the next song. “Cherub Rock” by Smashing Pumpkins sounded inside the room, falling in sync with Julian’s rapid heartbeat. Without thinking, Julian lay back down on the couch and pretended to be asleep.
MAYBE IT really was a dream, he told himself. And maybe that’s all it will be.
“Come on, guys,” Sarah had greeted them. “Magda and I have been chatting now for at least an hour! Wakey, wakey, Julia. Come and join a brave new world.”
Chapter Sixteen
“NOW, CLASS,” Mr. Singer said at the front of the room. “I understand we’re excited for Christmas and the break. But we’re not there yet, and you know school policy. Put the phones away. If I hear another text message ping, I’m going to have to start confiscating them.”
The class stirred, unsure if the bluff was real. When Mr. Singer waited, his arms folded over hi
s chest, the room went deathly quiet. From where Julian sat in English, he could see several phone screens propped up behind book chapters. Some people were even googling the answers for the questions Mr. Singer had put on the board, which really showed dedication, Julian figured. As soon as Natasha, a girl in the front row, put up her hand to answer a question, Mr. Singer’s attention was compromised. A few more people wrote texts or checked for new messages, including Julian.
There was nothing new on his phone, so he pulled up the old message chain between himself and Maria. After he had said good night to her on Saturday, she had messaged him for most of Sunday, asking for help on homework. That soon changed to talk about music.
That song you had on your iPod. The Smashing Pumpkins one. Do you know what album that’s from?
Gish. First one. From the early ’90s. I have it, if you want to burn it or download it or something?
Sure! We should get together. You can help me with my math homework too. I’m not gonna be in English tomorrow because I’m so behind.
Oh yeah? I’ll miss you, then. But I can definitely help with math. Name the time and I’ll show up.
That had been the last message. Julian’s stomach did a small flip as he read them again, still not believing they were real. Conversations had so much more weight when he could see them like this. The song “Daydream” instantly filled his head again, and he imagined Maria listening to the playlist he had e-mailed her later on that same night. She could have easily googled or found the answers to her questions by herself. She was smart, and she was also in a house full of adults who had lived through the 90s and didn’t gather their music knowledge from old films and books.
But she came to me, Julian thought. And now we’re going to hang out and listen to music. And do homework. He thought back to the last times he had helped Maria with her studies, and how afraid of her he had been. She was no longer testing him now—but he still had to test her. If he told Maria, maybe in the middle of listening to “Daydream,” that he was really a guy and his name was Julian, then maybe they could actually start something good. He would be so close to the three people he needed in order to feel like himself. He would be so close to actually being Julian instead of keeping it secret like a song in his head.
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