by Ivy Jordan
I knew exactly what that feeling was like because I had been there multiple times. The feeling was always the same. I started to feel the anxiety build tried the breathing exercises that Dr. Brentwood had told me to use when I felt anxious at the Masters.
Today was the day that things got under way and it was a nerve-wracking experience, to say the least. I had to remember to focus and not think of what had happened in the previous years. That was the past. It didn’t mean that I was going to choke that time.
I saw Matt talking with Aria and walked over to them. They were chatting casually, and both seemed to be in good spirits.
“Hey, Caleb, how are you feeling today?” asked Aria.
“As good as I can, I suppose.” I smiled, but I didn’t feel like it at all. My emotions were starting to get the best of me.
As I looked around, I saw my parents standing and talking to some of my peers. Everyone was there and it was starting to make me feel a little crazy. My mother saw me and waved. I waved back at both of them. I had no intention of approaching them, though. I didn’t need to hear any well-meaning advice from my father. He would only make it worse, and I needed my mind as clear as possible. I would have been better off if my father would have stayed home. The last thing I needed to worry about was him being disappointed in me.
Matt leaned over to me. “Relax, man; it’s going to be okay. Remember what the doctor told you and start focusing on different things.”
I nodded, appreciating the fact that Matt could read me like a book. I was relieved Aria could not read me in the same way. She had no idea I was freaking out inside. My emotions were high, and I was starting to feel the stress overload. I didn’t think that it was possible to feel more stress than I did at that moment.
I started to breathe deeply in the hope that my heart rate would start to slow down. I couldn’t believe how many people were there; it seemed like so much more than the year before. Though, I was probably losing my mind at that point. Things were beyond stressful for me, and I needed to listen to Matt’s advice and chill out. It was only the beginning, and we had a long way to go.
“Well, you must be very excited to have made it this far, Caleb. I have to say that everyone at Under Armour is very impressed with you and looking forward to your success.”
I smiled at her. “Thank you, Aria. I hope that I won’t disappoint you guys.”
“I’m sure you won’t. You have done well in the tournaments.”
If only she knew that the tournaments meant very little to me. They were just practice until I got to the Masters. It didn’t matter until I got there, and I still wasn’t sure how I was going to get through it with my sanity intact. I just had to take it one hole at a time and to not overthink things. That would be a mistake. I needed to pretend that my father wasn’t even there. That was the best way to handle the day.
I left Matt and Aria to talk while I started to walk around. Matt called out to me that things were getting started soon and to not go too far. I waved him off and kept moving. I wanted to try to find Hailey, but I wasn’t sure where she would be. I had left the hotel earlier than she had and knew she was to meet me there at some point.
It wasn’t long before I found her and my breath caught at the sight. She was wearing a light pink sundress, and her brown hair caught the light nicely. She was talking to a few random people and smiling brightly. She couldn’t have looked more beautiful than she did at that moment.
It was hard to recall life before Hailey came around. She had become a staple in my life, and I knew it was going to be very weird when she was no longer by my side. In fact, I couldn’t even picture what my life would be like without her by my side. Will I really go back to clubbing and taking random women home? I wasn’t entirely sure that I would; it would seem so foreign after being with Hailey for three months.
I had to wonder if I would think about Hailey the next time that I slept with another woman. We had been sleeping together for awhile now, so it would be weird to sleep with someone new. Wow, I really made a mess of things. I had a hard time regretting any of it, but I just didn’t want it to end – ever.
I approached her and pulled her away from the crowd, apologizing to the people she was talking to. “Sorry, I need to steal this beauty for a moment,” I said. Hailey laughed as she waved goodbye to them. She was glowing, and I just couldn’t stop looking at her.
“Hey, handsome, how are you feeling today?”
“Not good, to be honest with you.”
“It’s happening already? You need to think good thoughts.”
“I’m trying,” I told her.
“Well, maybe you should think about last night. Because it’s been giving me good thoughts all day, that’s for sure.”
I laughed. “No kidding, it was great. You really do know how to make me feel good, don’t you?”
“Well, I try,” she said, blushing.
I grasped her hand in mine and looked around the event. There was a buzz in the air, but as long as I was with Hailey, I felt so much better about things. I could do this. I was sure of it. I was determined to win this year; I just needed to focus and keep my eye on the prize.
I couldn’t help but look at Hailey when I thought that. She would definitely be a prize all right. Hailey wasn’t going to be around much longer, though. Her contract would be up at the end of the week, and then she would be gone. First to Georgia and then eventually to LA to have her big acting career.
I didn’t want her to go, which was certainly a new feeling with me. I wasn’t in love with Hailey, but fuck if I didn’t like her in my life a lot! It made me sad that she was going to go away. It drove me nuts just thinking about it. I couldn’t think of anyone else I would rather spend time than her, and yet there wasn’t a whole lot that I could do about the situation. We would each go our own separate ways, and I was powerless to stop it.
How long can I pay someone to play my girlfriend? I almost laughed; it was a ludicrous thought. There was no way Hailey would be okay with that. She wanted a life, a real life. She didn’t want a pretend boyfriend for the rest of her life. She had a bright future and deserved someone amazing to share it with.
I smiled down at her. Yes, she was quite the beauty. I leaned over and pulled her towards me, planting her with a big kiss. I lingered with that kiss as long as I could, not wanting to let her go.
I heard a long awwww around us as we kissed, and she started to laugh as we pulled apart. I smiled down at her, knowing that she thought we were just acting once again. The crowd definitely loved us together, and that probably wouldn’t change.
“Well, I should probably get out there now; the show is about to start.”
She nodded her encouragement. “Good luck, Caleb. I’ll be watching. Just relax, and you will be okay.”
I nodded and walked away from her. I needed to find Matt so that we could get on the green and get the party started.
Matt and I walked to the first hole of the Augusta National Golf Club and waited for our turn to move. If you won the Masters, you got a green jacket, a very prestigious gift. Golfers all over the world vied for one. If you won the green jacket, it was the job of last years’ winner to put the jacket on you.
Perry Davenport was last year’s winner, and I would love very much for that guy to have to put the jacket on me. He had been winning for far too long now, and it was time for a new winner. Plus, Perry could be an arrogant dick sometimes. I saw him a few yards away. It was his turn next, and he was probably going to do quite well. He always did.
I look out at the fairway. The ruff at the Masters were very long. The grass was much longer and thicker on either side of the fairway than it usually was at the tournaments. I started to think about the twelfth hole, which was a bad idea.
The twelfth hole was a famous one in Augusta, and it was notorious for being hard. It was only 150 yards, which was not good for any golfer. But it was twelve holes away, and I needed to focus on the first eleven first without worrying about
the hard one already.
Matt was carrying my bag. At the Masters, there were no carts, the caddies were there to carry the bags for the players, and that was as good as it got. I turned to Matt, who smiled at me. It was my turn to go up, and he gave me a thumbs up. He handed me a club, and I approached the green and got into position.
I knew all eyes were on me, and I decided to think of Hailey. She was out there somewhere watching me and probably casually talking to the new people that she met. She was proud of me already, and that thought warmed me all over. I leaned into the swing, and the ball shot into the fairway and immediately rolled into the hole. The crowd went nuts, and I smiled from ear to ear. Matt was cheering loudly as I walked back over to him and handed him the club.
“One down – only seventeen more to go,” he said with a laugh.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Hailey
The sun was beating down hard as the afternoon came around. It was a beautiful day for the Masters, and I felt a fluttering in my belly. I felt so nervous for Caleb. I wished that I could be right out there with him by his side.
I would love to be there to encourage him and make him feel better when he got stressed out. If I was by his side, he might be okay to get through everything; I truly believed that. He got in his own head and didn’t know how to get out of it, but I could get him to focus if I was close to him. But I also knew that Matt was there and would do all he could to keep Caleb focused on the game. Matt was good for Caleb and would take care of him if he could.
I moved along with the crowd as they went from hole to hole. I could see Caleb and every now and then, he would find me in the crowd and make eye contact with me. I always smiled and hoped it brought him good luck. We got to the twelfth hole, and I knew that was a bad one. I had heard rumors about it and was worried about Caleb – this would be a bad one for all the golfers, never mind someone who had a tendency to choke up. I knew he would be worried about the hole, and I tried to get as close to him in the crowd as I could.
Every time that I looked at him, I knew with complete certainty that I was in love with him. Head over heels in love with him, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I was to return home in a week, and it killed me to think about it. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to be with him. But there was no reason for me to believe that I could be.
I almost choked up myself when I thought about the pregnancy test that I took earlier in the day. That was why I hadn’t gone to the club with Caleb that morning. I needed to be alone; I needed to know for sure.
I’d had some suspicions for a week now, but I couldn’t believe that I was pregnant. It just couldn’t be true. I needed to know for sure. To know for myself and not have to worry about it anymore.
I was pregnant, though; the test came out positive, and there was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t know what to do. All I wanted was to talk to Mandy and figure out what my next step should be. I didn’t see how I could keep the baby, not in the situation I was in. I had an audition coming up, never mind the fact that Caleb and I weren’t really together, and in a week, I would be a thing of the past.
I wasn’t sure if I could even tell him. In fact, I was sure that I couldn’t. I can’t tell him, right? No, it is too messed up. I would need to deal with the situation on my own, and I knew Mandy would be able help me in any way that she could.
It sucked to be in love with a man who didn’t love me back, but it was my own fault for getting in deep with him when I had a job to do. I should have been there as an employee, instead of falling in love with my boss. Now, I was in a hell of a mess with someone who wasn’t even my boyfriend. It sickened me just thinking about it, and I had to shut my mind off and focus on the game or I would lose it. I didn’t want to think about the mess I was in anymore.
It wasn’t part of the deal with Caleb. He didn’t ask for a girl to get pregnant and fall in love with him. He had hired me to be his girlfriend, an employee, and that was it. I had to accept the fact that things were about to be over between us. I kept trying to push my heart away from the situation because I knew deep down inside that it was going to get broken badly. It was inevitable, though – my heart was going to be broken.
I could feel the tension in the air at the twelfth hole. It was time for Caleb to play, and I felt sick just watching him. The way his shoulders tensed up scared me. He paused before he took a shot and walked away from the green. Oh, shit, I thought.
He walked away and let out a big long breath. He was choking – I could see it all over his face. I waved at him when he looked over at me. There was no smile this time; he was stressing out. I motioned for him to come over to me and he walked closer, willingly. He didn’t care if people were waiting for him; he was going to do whatever he wanted. He wasn’t feeling good and knew if he took the shot now, he would probably fail.
“Hey, baby,” he said as he approached me.
“I was just thinking about how you spread my legs last night and licked me.”
His eyebrows hit the top of his head, and a smile crept over his face. “Wow, that’s nice, Hailey.”
“Just focus on that, sweetheart. Just focus on everything we did last night, and you’ll be just fine. Fuck, focus on anything but this place, and you’ll be good.”
I leaned over and kissed him on the lips. He was grinning from ear to ear now, and I was glad that I could do that for him.
“Wow, baby, I think you gave me some wood. Do you think that’s a good idea right now?” He was laughing, and I laughed along with him.
“I think it’s a great idea. You can do this. I know you can do this, babe, I know it.”
“Thanks, Hailey. I better go.”
I blew him a kiss as he walked back to the green. Some of the other players looked annoyed, but he wasn’t fazed by any of them. He couldn’t have cared less about what they thought. I wanted him to be okay, and I prayed that he would be.
He steadied himself before my eyes; he was standing on the green and holding the iron Matt had given him. He was ready to hit it, and I held my breath as he did so. He hit the ball and it shot short, but in the way he needed it to because it was 150 yards. He got a hole-in-one, and I started jumping around screaming in excitement. He had done it! He had got through the hardest hole without choking. I was so proud of him. He turned to me and blew me a kiss as I smiled proudly at him.
I continued with the crowd as they moved to the next hole. However, I had a hard time focusing because watching Caleb made me really sad. I was so proud of him, but I also knew that as proud of him as I was, he wasn’t really mine. It was heartbreaking to think about it.
I just wanted to be with him, and that was all that mattered, but it didn’t matter to him, at all. I couldn’t even imagine life without him, but that was the reality for me. I was stuck, and there was nothing that I could do about that.
I followed the crowd with a deep sadness inside of me. I didn’t know what I was going to do without him. I couldn’t imagine raising a child without Caleb or any other father figure. My parents were in Europe and weren’t coming back anytime soon. I had an audition and a big move coming up; I couldn’t deal with a child on my own. I had a lot of things to think about, and wondering what I was going to do with the pregnancy was one of them.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Caleb
Day two of the majors had arrived and I was thrilled to have survived the first. It had gone quite well, and I had Hailey to thank for it. I wasn’t sure what I would have done without her.
I’d had almost choked on the twelfth hole; I had to take a break. I knew I was going to choke and I couldn’t go through with it. Then there was Hailey standing there like an angel. She stood there like an angel and helped me get through that demon of a hole. I was so grateful for what she had done for me. She was a blessing, and I didn’t like the fact that she was going to be gone soon. It sucked more than I wanted to admit, but we had a deal, and once that was over, she would be gone, moving on to a better life, one
that didn’t include me.
There I was again at breakfast that morning, already thinking about everything that could go wrong that day at the majors. I had more holes to go through, and there were more opportunities for me to choke. Once the day was over, I would either be a winner or a loser, and I couldn’t even be sure which one it would be. I had done great the day before; I had gotten further than I had the previous years, but that meant nothing. I could lose it all in a second if I let the fear in just a little bit.
I sat there at breakfast thinking about all that, and then I felt Hailey squeeze my hand under the table. I looked over at her and smiled. I was out with a few of the other players, and I had invited Hailey along to join us. She was there to put on a show, after all, so I might as well have her wherever I could. Plus, we were on borrowed time, so I wanted her around me as much as possible. There was no need to leave her alone at the hotel; she could come everywhere with me.
“So, how long have you guys been dating?” Brad, one of the guys asked.
I looked at Hailey and smiled. “It’s been three months now, and the best three months of my life.” Wasn’t that the truth? “It feels like it’s been no time at all.”
The three months had flown by, and it was hard to imagine a time when she wasn’t around. She would be gone soon enough, and that was hard for me to get out of my head. What will I do when she leaves? Probably lose my mind. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Matt and I would get back out there, but it didn’t sound like as much fun as it used to be. I would get back into the groove of things, I was sure of it, and then I would be back to my own life again. So why didn’t that sound awesome to me anymore?
Hailey blushed as I leaned over and kissed her. I could have kissed her all day long if I had the time.
After breakfast, we had gone back up to the hotel room and lay in bed and cuddled together before we had to go to the tournament. I held her in my arms tightly. I kissed her shoulder over and over again while she lay still in my arms. She was so beautiful that I couldn’t help but kiss her as much I could.