by Donna Alward
“You get through it,” he said calmly. “One day at a time. That’s all any of us do, Lizzie. And you look for joy. Moments of it at first, and eventually there’s more than you expected.”
She turned, half in his arms and half out, meeting his gaze evenly. “Is that how it is for you, Josh? A life of joy?”
He shrugged. “I’m still in the moments part, but the moments are getting longer and more frequent.” He smiled, a little sheepishly.
“I’m the last person to judge,” she admitted.
He chuckled down low, a sound that made something secret and delicious run through her. “People in glass houses?”
“Exactly.” She let out a deep sigh. She’d been doing that a lot tonight, trying to regain her equilibrium. Lizzie shifted out of Josh’s arms now, feeling like she was on a bit more solid ground, worried she was crossing a line between accepting comfort and longing for more. Still, the emotional purge had been good for her. Josh leaned back on his hands, his fingers disappearing in the soft sand.
“After losing your parents, being told to take some time off must have really freaked you out.”
Lizzie let out a big breath. “I felt like I’d lost everything. You’re a doctor. You know what the hours are like. What you need to do to work your way up…”
“Hmmm. I guess I’ve never really cared about that sort of thing. Being in the sandbox changed a lot of that for me. I couldn’t have cared less about prestige or reputation when I was putting men and women back together.”
Right. She’d nearly forgotten he’d been a doctor in the Army before now. Of course he’d seen things that were vastly different from a city emergency room.
“Well, when you’re Russ Howard’s daughter, there are expectations.”
Josh was quiet for a few moments. The silence made her uncomfortable, like she’d somehow said something wrong.
“I bet there are,” Josh said.
“You don’t understand. It’s like … I’m held to some higher standard than anyone else. Because he was such a hotshot, I have to be, too, or I’m letting people down.”
“Letting who down? Them? Or yourself?” He frowned. “We’re not talking about the expectations or the normal pressures of the job. Tell me the truth. Do you think your leave was justified?”
“That’s an odd question.” She looked away. The question had hit its mark.
“Just think about it. I don’t know your old boss, but I’m guessing he knew you and knew you needed to take a break and get yourself together. To make that call, knowing that you were going to hate him for it? That took some ’nads.”
She looked over at Josh, her discomfort and annoyance growing to irritation. “It wasn’t his call to make. He took advantage of the fact that we were sleeping together.”
Josh held her gaze. “Did he? Or did he make the professional call despite the fact that you were sleeping together?”
She scrambled to her feet, angry at his assertion, even more uncomfortable that they were talking about her sex life when only minutes ago she’d been cradled in his arms and she’d been thinking about how strong he felt and how good he smelled.
“You don’t know anything about it,” she snapped, brushing the sand off her butt.
“I know more than you think.” He stood up, too. “I worked for my father-in-law, Lizzie. Do you know how weird that was after Erin died? The thing that linked us together no longer existed. You don’t have the corner on awkward situations. And you certainly aren’t the first to come to Jewell Cove to find their feet again.”
“That’s not why I’m here.”
“The hell it isn’t.”
“I came for Charlie—”
“And I call bullshit. And you’ll make peace with stuff a whole lot faster if you start telling yourself the truth. Truth is, you’re messed up.”
Josh stepped up to her and put his hand on the side of her face. She was too surprised to move away, and her gaze shot up to his automatically, as if drawn there by magnetic force.
She half-hated that he was right and half-admired the fact that he’d known that about her.
He leaned forward and dropped a tender kiss on her forehead. “Go home, Lizzie. Have a glass of wine. Give yourself a break. Get some sleep. You seriously need to learn to relax.”
She gave an emotional laugh. “That’s not exactly in my vocabulary. My kind of relaxation comes from adrenaline. Now, if you suggested bungee jumping at dawn, I might be your girl.”
He shook his head. “Crazy,” he muttered.
Josh turned and started walking back toward her cottage, and she fell into step beside him. “Spend some time with Charlie, then,” he suggested. “Sit on her deck and listen to the waves and the seagulls. Go out on the ocean. Go shopping. Eat ice cream. Whatever it takes.”
“What works for you, Josh?” Lizzie wasn’t convinced any of those things would distract her from the issue at hand. Her toes squidged in the sand as they ambled back along the beach where she’d been running, following the curve of the “fiddle” for which it was named.
“My boat. I go out in the bay and take my fishing rod and let the wind and the waves and the quiet work their magic. Nothing can touch me out there.”
“It sounds nice.”
“You could come with me sometime.”
She laughed. “Fishing? Really? Do I look like someone who goes fishing?”
“Why?” he asked. “Because you did your degree at Harvard? You might break a nail? Or is that pastime a little too pedestrian for you?”
“Ouch. Great. Now I’m elitist and you have a chip on your shoulder.” But she was teasing him.
“Then maybe you’d like a trip out to Lovers’ Island. To search for treasure.”
She rolled her eyes.
“Before you say no, there are some neat caves there that you can explore at low tide. And a fabulous beach. Think about it. The clinic is closed on Sunday. We could go then.”
“Is this one of those you’re not going to take no for an answer things?”
“Consider it for your own good.”
“Try again.”
“Because your boss is telling you to?”
“And this is why I want to be the boss.”
He laughed. “Indulge me. If you hate it, we’ll come back. It’s not like it’s that far, and you can leave your car right at the marina. I’ll be taking the Constant out for a rip regardless. If you’re interested, meet me at the dock at eight. That’s a little late for me to be going out, but any earlier and you’ll have an excuse not to come.”
They’d reached the crooked wooden steps leading from the cottage down to the beach. She faced him, tempted to accept the invitation and wanting to say no just so he got the message that boss or not, he wasn’t in charge, particularly of her days off.
“Good night, Josh. Thanks for…” She thought of how she’d huddled in his arms and cried, how she’d snapped at him, how they’d gone from that to this calm, quiet conversation. It was the strangest thing. “Thanks for the chat.”
Wow. That was a rather underwhelming description of the last hour.
“You’re welcome. I won’t even charge.”
She punched his arm and he laughed.
“See you at the office!” he called as she started up the steps. “Think about Sunday.”
“Good night, Josh,” she repeated, but a warm feeling was spreading from her core outward. She turned when she reached the top and looked down over the waving grass to the sand, but he was gone, walking up the beach with his hands in his pockets.
CHAPTER 9
Josh met Summer at the parking lot for Breezes Café at the end of her shift. The sunny weather of the day before had shifted and the evening was misty with a fog creeping in. A walk was out of the question. Plus Summer had been on her feet most of the day. As she approached his truck he smiled at her and said, “Have you eaten? We can go out. Someone can serve you for a change.”
She laughed. “Just not here. Can we get
out of Jewell Cove for a few hours?”
He’d had the same idea, wanting to avoid gossip and speculation. “I was thinking Rockland. We could get out of town for a bit. Have some … privacy.”
“Afraid to be seen with me, Josh?”
Actually, he was. Not at all because he was ashamed but just because he didn’t want assumptions to be made. “Going out in Jewell Cove is like being on a reality TV show.”
“It is a bit of a microscope.” She put her hand on the handle of the passenger door. “There’s a nice coffee shop I know. The food’s all organic and they roast their own beans.”
“That sounds perfect.” Actually, it sounded a little earthy and not his usual style. He’d had more of a pub in mind, a more laid-back and blend-in atmosphere. But it didn’t really matter where they went, did it? Besides, she’d been around food and customers all day. Maybe this coffee shop was a bit quieter for her to wind down after her crazy shift.
The drive didn’t take long. By some unspoken agreement, they both chatted simply about their day, their jobs, inane little things about Jewell Cove. Josh relaxed a little, but it still felt strange. Just last night he’d been holding a weeping Lizzie in his arms and he’d felt something shift inside him. It had been incredibly intimate, yet they hadn’t even kissed beyond the peck he’d given her on her forehead. So why had he thought about her all day today? Even at the office it had been odd, like they had gone out of their way to avoid each other. Like it had suddenly gotten weird.
Was he embarrassed about last night? Or just taking a step back, as she clearly wanted?
“Josh? Did you hear what I just said?”
“What? Sorry.” He was pulling into the parking lot and Summer laughed.
“I lost you there for a minute. I was talking about the baby shower for Jess. Abby’s holding it at her place.” She leaned closer. “Are you okay? You seem distracted.”
He was, and it wasn’t fair to Summer. He wasn’t even sure how he was going to bring up the subject of the two of them … or rather the lack of the two of them. They’d been paired together a lot, but they’d never discussed whether or not they wanted to be. If Summer was under any illusions, it would be better, kinder, to set the record straight now.
God, he hated this sort of thing. He felt like a complete ass.
He promised himself to stay present in the moment and focus on her. “It was just a long day. I could use a cup of coffee.”
The mist had turned to steady rain as they parked, and they jogged to the door of the shop, anxious to be in out of the wet. Josh’s first impression was that this was a hipster sort of place, with the rich scent of coffee beans and a chalkboard that introduced the specials of the day including a free-range chicken sandwich and a salad made from local vegetables with an organic raspberry dressing, as well as an avocado chocolate cake, which to his mind sounded both intriguing and disgusting.
They ordered at the counter. Josh eyed the cake suspiciously and ordered a slice out of sheer curiosity, as well as a bowl of black bean soup that looked somewhat more appetizing than the ground-round chili. Summer, who hadn’t eaten yet, either, went with the roasted vegetable panini sandwich and some sort of raw vegan macaroon for dessert.
Thank God for plain old regular coffee. Rich, strong, and black.
Summer got a chai tea.
New Agey stuff played on the speaker overhead, reminding Josh of the prenatal yoga class he’d picked Jess up from one day earlier this spring. There was a reason why he was more comfortable at the Rusty Fern, with the dartboards and cold beer and yeah, even the terribly unhealthy loaded nachos or half-pound burgers with fries. This wasn’t exactly a guy’s guy kind of place. He and Summer settled at a table by the window, and he cautiously dipped his spoon into his soup and had a taste.
Okay, so it wasn’t half-bad. He was relieved about that, at least.
When he looked up, Summer was grinning at him with a foolish look on her face. “What?” he asked.
“You’re not too sure about this place.”
“It’s not my usual speed.” He smiled back, gave a small chuckle. “It suits you, though.” Which was kind of his point, if he’d actually manage to get to it.
“It does, yes.” She picked up her panini, took a bite, chewed thoughtfully. “I like the atmosphere. It’s very calm, very … centering. I like how it focuses on whole ingredients, not a lot of processing, locally sourced.”
He must have blushed, because she laughed again. “It’s okay, Josh. It’s not for everyone, but it works for me. It took me a long time to be okay with myself, and part of that was learning to accept who I was. I did that through a lot of natural principles. Getting back to basics. Simple. Clean. Uncluttered.”
Accept who she was? He had no idea that had been a struggle for her. “But you always seem so confident. Like with the, uh, hair. And the nose ring.”
She touched the tiny stud in her nose and laughed a little. “For a long time that was a disguise because I didn’t like the real me. Now I just do it because I like it.” She took a sip of her tea, cradling her hands around the thick mug. “Growing up is kind of nice like that. You stop caring so much what other people think.”
They each ate a little more dinner and then Summer spoke again. “Josh, why did you invite me out tonight?”
He met her gaze. She was watching him with a forthright expression and he figured he might as well be honest. “Because my family has this notion that we ought to be together and we both know it. I wanted to clear the air.”
“Because you’re not interested in me that way.”
Guilt spiraled through him, as well as a longing to not hurt her feelings. But it was only fair to tell her now. “No, Summer, I’m not.”
She laughed out loud and picked up her sandwich. “Thank God for that,” she said, taking a huge bite.
He put down the spoon that he’d forgotten he was holding. “Oh,” he said, unsure of what to say now.
“You thought I was? Hey, I could see people pairing us up. Similar age, single, you know how it goes. And you’re a nice guy, Josh. A real nice guy. But I never quite got that whole woo woo feeling in my stomach when you walked into a room. And I knew you didn’t, either.”
“You knew that?”
“You are always very nice, but there’s a pained look around your lips when you’re in an awkward situation. I see that quite often.”
Damn. He truly hadn’t realized he was that transparent.
Summer’s gaze softened. “Besides, I remember how you used to look at your wife. You don’t look at me that way. At all.”
“Jeez, Summer. Ouch.”
“That’s why you asked me out, though, right? To make sure we’re on the same page?”
He nodded.
“We are. Eat your soup. We can have a nice hour or so as friends, and that’s that.”
Josh looked down at his bowl and laughed a little. “Why do I feel like you’ve just let me down easy?”
She reached across the table and put her fingers on his wrist. “Because I don’t play games. I decided a long time ago that I would say what I think and be honest with people and not pretend to be someone I’m not. I’m much happier that way.”
He squeezed her fingers and then pulled away. “You’re some woman, Summer. Some guy’s going to be pretty lucky to get you. And you’ll keep him on his toes, no question.”
She raised an eyebrow. “I doubt it. For some reason I seem to naturally repel men. I’ll probably have to get a few cats in a year or two.”
“What, no hunky hotties at your yoga class?” he teased.
She laughed, and they both seemed to relax a lot more. “Way to stereotype. As a matter of fact, at my last Vinyasa class there was a firefighter there. At least that’s what the bum of his shorts said. I made sure I put my mat behind him.” She fanned herself and winked at Josh. “And I probably stand a better chance of hooking up at yoga than you do in your office.”
Which immediately switched his br
ain back to Lizzie. She’d been her regular efficient self this morning, dressed in sand-colored trousers and a pink blouse under her white coat. Her hair had been up, as it usually was at work, and it was like the night before at the beach had never happened.
But he remembered. Remembered the wistful sound of her sigh, the heartbreak in her tears as she asked why it had to hurt so badly. He remembered the smell of her hair and the feel of her firm, toned body under his hands as he held her close, wishing there was some way he could take away her pain.
Whoa. What the heck? He’d just tried to help … not get personally involved or care too much—
“You okay?” Summer asked, a wrinkle forming between her perfect eyebrows. “Where’d you disappear to?”
“Nowhere,” he replied, forcing a smile. “Now that we’ve set the record straight, we should finish eating before it all gets cold. Besides, I’m dying to try that avocado cake.”
They made it through the rest of the date just fine, but something stuck in Josh’s mind. Or rather someone. Because Josh was sitting with a perfectly nice, perfectly attractive woman and all he could think about was Lizzie.
It was unexpected. And more than a little bit unwelcome. Particularly since she was so adamant that their association be 100 percent platonic and he’d already made plans with her to go out on the boat Sunday morning. It had seemed an innocent invitation, but Josh knew it wasn’t as innocent as it should be. Because it hadn’t been just a friend helping out another friend. There’d been a moment, more than one moment, last night when he’d considered tipping up her face and kissing away the tears that streaked down her cheeks, her soft lips puffy and swollen.
For the first time since returning to Jewell Cove, he wished he were attracted to Summer. He got the feeling it would have saved him a lot of headaches.
* * *
Lizzie was shocked at the amount of activity on the docks at seven forty-five on a Sunday morning. It appeared that the pleasure craft demographic was alive and well, with groups preparing to hit the water for the day, carrying fishing rods, coolers, or both. A lineup of tourists was ready for the first whale-watching tour of the day, while another company was preparing for a later-morning lighthouse cruise up the coast. The morning was crystal clear with a piercing-blue sky; the sun was already warm on her face with the promise of a scorcher ahead. On the water was the perfect place to be.