by Shan
I looked down to reach for my chain that my grandmother gave me when I was younger. I wanted to give it a kiss and say a quick prayer that I made it out of this hospital alive and that everything would be okay with Tamar.
"Oh, my God. Where is my chain? Damn it; don’t tell me somebody got me for my damn chain," I mumbled trying to remember when the last time I had seen my chain. She had given it to me before she died and told me if I wore it every day that I would be safe and nothing will ever happen to me. It was always seemed like whenever I didn't wear it, was when something bad always happened. "Mmgh."
"There she goes!" I heard someone yell out.
POW! POW!
Oh, shit these muthafuckas are serious.They fucking shooting at me. I ran, ran like hell trying to get out of this damn hospital before I was trapped. I had to make it! There was no way I was about to die with people thinking that I killed the man I love.
***
"Thank you so much! Oh, my God, thank you," I said and wiped the tears from my eyes. I turned to look out the rearview window to see if anyone was following me. I was so happy when Andre said that he would pick me up and take me back to his spot. After the way I’d done him, I wouldn’t have even been mad at him if he’d told me no.
"How that nigga Tae doing? Did he make it?" Andre asked.
"I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on with him. I was in the waiting room asleep, and Tavon just came to me and charged my ass up. He thinks I had something to do with that shit!"
"Why the fuck would he think that?’
"I have no idea. I went over there to talk to Tamar about something. Who the fuck would I get to go over there to rob him and kill him? I don’t get down like that!"
"That nigga Tavon just trying to toss the blame on somebody. He just needs a reason to tell his daddy why he let his little brother get hurt."
"Well don’t blame me! I wasn’t responsible for that! They put a gun to my head too!" I cried. "I can’t believe this shit man. I love him!" I caught the glance from Andre from my peripheral when I realized what I’d just said. "I’m sorry."
"It’s cool. I know I messed up what we had," Andre uttered.
"You know I didn’t talk to Tamar to hurt you, right? It just happened."
The car fell quiet, and I could tell that Andre wanted to say something, but didn’t. Lil Wayne’s "A Milli" blasted from my purse and caused me to jump with fear. I hurried and snatched the phone out of my purse and read the caller ID. It was Zavier.
"Hello," I answered the phone cautiously wondering what this call was about.
"Roz, baby girl? What the hell is going on?" Zavier questioned.
"Man, these niggas trying to say I had something to do with Tae getting shot!"
Tears streamed down my face, and I closed my eyes to try to keep them from falling, but closing my eyes caused me to see Tamar’s bloody face.
"Roz, they just came here looking for you. Tore up the muthafuckin' house! Did you have something to do with this shit?"
"Hell no! I went to tell Tae that I was pregnant! I—"
Shit I hate being all nervous and scared like this cause I always say too damn much.
"Pregnant? Damn, Rozalyn. I knew this shit was going to happen. Where are you?"
"I’m safe. I’m just going to chill out until this shit blows over," I said as I wiped my face and reached for my missing chain again. "Zavier, did they say how Tae was doing?"
"Wouldn’t tell me. Roz, I’m worried, and daddy is worried too."
"Yea, I bet he is. Anyway I gotta go. I’ll call you later, but, Zae? Please do not tell anyone what I said about me being pregnant."
"Alright, baby girl. I love you and please call me. Call me every thirty minutes to let me know you're okay."
I hung up the phone without even giving him a response. It was hard to tell Zavier that I loved him too even though I was now beginning to feel that way. It was hard because I had just met him and for the first time some months ago, and he was practically a stranger to me.
Our relationship was getting a whole lot better, and I knew it would once he got that letter from our older brother Kevin making him realize that the one at fault for our father’s infidelity was not my fault. I’ll be glad when Vanessa and Torrie realized it too.
As far as my father goes, I still didn’t want shit to do with him. It was fifteen years of pain and hatred that I had suffered for the way the he’d done me, and a few months of living with him wasn’t going to make that better.
At the end of the day, it was going to take a while before I could look at him and feel the love that he says he has for me. Kevin says that no matter what when he comes home, he gonna bring us all together, and we were going to be a family. I wasn’t so sure about that though.
Kevin is my oldest brother that is doing a bid in the penitentiary for drug trafficking and assault with a deadly weapon. He should be coming home at the end of next year.
He was the one that discovered me four years ago when he found a miss-payment of child support letter stuffed in the trunk of our daddy’s car. It was him that confronted our daddy about it, and it was him that came to New York to apologize to me and my mother. He told us how he had no idea about me. He wanted a relationship with me and promised me that he would come see me as much as possible, and he kept his word up until he got locked up.
I remembered thinking when I hadn’t heard from in a few months how I thought he was just like his no good ass daddy and just walked out of my life.
I remembered how stupid I felt when I got the letter from him telling me that he would be gone for four to five years and that I better buy plenty of stamps because he was going to be writing me on the regular and I had better write him back.
I cried when I got that letter because Kevin, and I bonded so quickly and I enjoyed my visits with him every time he came. He gave my mama money to make sure I was eating, took me shopping for school clothes, we went out to the movies, museums, and the zoo. Everything a little eleven year old girl would dream about doing with her big brother, he did it, and when he was suddenly taken away from me, I was devastated. It took my mama months to help me to get over the fact that I wouldn’t see him again for another four to five years.
Now that the secret was out that my daddy had an ongoing affair with a woman while he was married and ended up having an illegitimate child with her, you would think that he would finally come around, but nope. There was still no contact from him, no letters, no phone calls, and still no damn child support. Weak ass.
I shook my head in disgust. It wasn’t until my mama forced me up out of her house, called my daddy, and told him that I was coming to stay and that if he refused, I would be living on the streets. Only reason why he said yes was because she agreed to drop the child support suit she had against him. So yea, no day soon will I have love for that man.
"So, how far long are you?" Andre probed breaking me from my thoughts.
"Five weeks," I said.
"Is it Tae baby?"
"Who else baby would it be? I ain’t been with nobody else!"
"Did you get to tell Tamar? What did he say?"
"Yea, I was able to tell him and we got into a fight. He denied it."
"Whatttttt—and you still with that nigga?"
"Damn, Andre, can we please talk about something else?"
Andre laughed, fired a Newport up, and rolled down his window. "You know if it had been my baby. You wouldn’t have had to worry about shit, but nah you ain’t wanna give up the pussy. But you go and give it up to a nigga that ain’t trying to have shit to do with you."
Andre laughed some more like he'd told a fucking joke or something, and it pissed me off because with all that’s going on it hadn’t really soaked in that Tamar just used me. I was not going to be a single damn parent. Hell no! I gotta come with some abortion money quick.
Andre pulled into the parking lot of a condo that was located a few miles from downtown in a more upscale neighborhood. The grass wa
s greener; paint was prettier, and wasn’t nobody hanging out drinking forties, and serving fiends. I didn’t hear the booming sound systems, babies crying, gun shots, or none of that ghetto shit.
Once we made it inside the condo and upstairs, Andre handed me an oversized T-shirt, and a pair of sweat pants for me to take a shower. My dress was covered in blood; my hair was all over my head and I looked like I'd just been involved in a serious crime. Damn. I couldn’t stop thinking about Tamar and the shit that took place in front of my very own eyes.
After I took a long, hot, shower, I made my way downstairs where Andre was sitting on the couch rolling a blunt. "Andre, this your spot—cause you—"
"Before you start, no, this is my brother's place," he said with a huge smile on his face.
"Oh, Ricky? I forgot about him."
"He hasn’t forgotten about you. He asks about you all the time."
"Damn, really?"
"Yep. Always saying "where that lil’ pretty Chinese chick you was with all the time at"."
"Chinese? Oh, my God, I wish y'all stop with that shit. I am not Chinese." I had to laugh. It hurt sometimes when people called me different names, but this time I just brushed it off.
"Japanese, Chinese, Asian. Whatever you are, you still the most beautiful chick I’ve ever been with."
"You didn’t treat me like I was; treated me like you were embarrassed to be seen with me."
"No, I didn’t. Yea I dipped and dabbled a little bit with different females, but I mean what did you expect? I know you don’t think you are the only chick Tae talking to."
"Tae and I aren’t together though. You and I were."
"So, how many niggas have you fucked with since you’ve been messing with him? How many dudes have you gave your number to or even took a few minutes to conversate with?"
"None."
"Exactly, you're with him but he isn't with you."
"Is that how you and I were then?"
"No, I was with you. Everybody knew you were my girl. I never denied that to nobody."
"Are you and Tasha together?"
"Nope, but Tasha is 8 months pregnant. She said it was my baby, so I broke up with you to do right by her, but the shit didn’t last long. Sleeping with this dude and that dude when I wasn't around, but you telling me she pregnant with my baby? I couldn’t take that shit. I left her ass right over there in Bankhead and never thought twice about her. She sends me text messages or call me and tell me about her lil’ doctor’s appointments, but I ain’t trying to hear that shit until DNA come back."
"Damn. I guess that’s how Tae gonna do me."
Andre laughed, "Tae's girlfriend will be home in a few months. I wouldn’t be surprised if he changed all his numbers and moved on your ass."
"Girlfriend? What you talking about?"
"Damnnnnnn, and you were jumping down my throat. Pissed at me, talking about I did you wrong. Rozalyn, this dude has a fucking girlfriend that’s been on lockdown for almost a year. That’s the only reason why he messing with you out in the open 'cause he knows she ain’t home to see it.
If she’d been here, you would have been just like the rest of these bitches he fucks with: sneaking in the backdoors, hotel rooms, and the whole nine. You might as well get an abortion 'cause that dude ain’t 'bout to wife you. Not if she got something to say about it."
Tears fell from my eyes as I took in what Andre just told me. Now everything was starting to make sense on why Tae was treating me the way he was. I tell people that we ain’t together ‘cause it was easier that way.
I didn’t want people to see how dumb my smart ass had been. I guess the only reason he told me we were together was just so I could have sex with him that night. This whole time he’s had a girlfriend. Some straight bullshit. "I can’t believe this."
"My bad. I thought you knew. Hell everybody know he wifed up."
"Nobody told me."
"Probably because everybody thought you knew." Andre fired up the blunt, and I placed my hand over my stomach remembering what the doctor told me earlier today. This was a critical stage for my baby; his or her brain would be developing, the nervous system, and their organs. Drinking, drugs, and cigarettes could affect my baby and could possibly cause problems. But Tamar has a girlfriend and I damn sure wasn’t gonna have this baby now.
"Pass the blunt," I said holding my hand out. I needed this shit, needed to get high as a kite right now. Too much was going on and I needed something to relax me. Andre passed the blunt and watched me as I took a long, deep, pull from it like my life depended on it. "Damn this some good weed." I licked my lips devouring the strawberry taste from the Philly and relaxed my head on the back of the couch.
"That’s that purple Kush. You gonna wake up in the morning and still be high as hell," Andre laughed.
I took another pull, and then passed it back over. I was good now and didn’t need any more. My head was floating, and I felt good as a muthafucka'. Andre grabbed my feet and began to massage them. I thought about pulling back, but all I could think was that Tamar had a girlfriend and just used me for some odd reason.
Hours and a good peaceful sleep later, I woke up to thirty missed calls, sixty-two new text messages, and eighteen voice messages. A few missed calls and voice mails were from Zavier checking on me, and I quickly texted him back, and told him I was safe and had fallen asleep.
He texted me right back, and told me that he hated to be the one to bring bad news, but Torrie heard the news about me being pregnant and quickly went back and told Vanessa. Vanessa of course told my dad, and they felt like it was a good idea if I didn’t come back. They claimed they didn’t have room to take care of me or my baby, and they wasn’t about to deal with my boyfriend or his goon squad. Damn, where the fuck am I supposed to go?
I tried not to worry about it, and hoped that once everybody saw that I didn’t have shit to do with this, Tavon would call the dogs off and I could go back home. After reading the rest of my text messages and listening to the remaining voicemails, I knew this was far from over. I had all these messages from random people whom I had no idea who they were threatening me. Most of them were saying they were looking for me and promised that I would be dead by sunrise. Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this damn life?
***
2 days later
I chilled with Andre at Ricky's spot for the past couple of days trying to hide out and not be seen. Andre was real cool and sweet, but I found it kind of creepy that he didn’t once call to check on Tamar, or even try to go and see him. His reason was that they didn’t get along and that Tamar wouldn’t want to see him.
I thought it was kind of weird because family is family, and at times like this it shouldn’t matter what kind of beef you had with one another.
Since Ricky was on his way home to come and be with the family as they waited on Tae’s verdict from the man up above, I had to bounce. Andre knew for sure that no matter how much Ricky liked me, if he knew that Tavon was looking for me he would rat me out with no problem. Blood was thicker than water no matter what.
I knew it was a dumb idea to go home, but I needed some damn clothes. I didn’t have any money, and this hobo look I was sporting was getting real old. Since the rumor was out that I set Tamar up, the police were looking for me right along with the "shoot first and ask questions later" crew.
When I arrived home later that day, the projects were on and popping as usual. The dope boys were slanging that good ol’ crack rock; dope-fiends were begging for a dollar, kids were hanging from the damn window; there was baby-mama-baby-daddy drama, and much more. Whenever you needed to be entertained on a hot summer day, all you had to do was walk outside or peek out the window, and you would see it all.
Soon as I walked into the building where I lived, I shook my head in disgust. I spotted a fiend named Rashida giving one of the corner boys some head in the damn hallway like nobody lived around here. It was like they didn't care that somebody could walk out their door at
any time.
"Niggas a pull out they pissy dick anywhere," I mumbled. I walked up the stairs and used my key to open the door. When I walked in my daddy awoke from the sleep he was in and sat up on the couch to look at me. "I just came to get my stuff. Don’t mind me," I told him as I walked to get my already packed bags.
"Can we talk?" he asked.
"We ain’t got anything to talk about."
"Rozalyn, Princess, this not what I wanted. You putting everybody at risk by messing with this thug, and now you’re pregnant by him."
"Yo', whatever. You've been dying for something like this to happen so you can put me out. You never wanted me here in the first place!"
Vanessa, Torrie, and Zavier all made their way to the living room to see what the commotion was about.
"That is not true, Rozalyn!" my dad yelled.
"Rozalyn, it was hard for us to make this decision," Vanessa said as she walked and stood next to my father. She took his hand into his. .
"Bitch, you definitely don’t have shit to say to me. I know it was all your idea anyway. Never wanted your hubby’s illegitimate child coming to live here!"
"Rozalyn, I done told you about disrespecting my mama!" Zavier said.
"Zavier, your mama name is Shantell Laniece Wright."
"Rozalyn!" my father yelled and came towards me while Vanessa covered her mouth. They were probably wondering how in the hell did I know their little secret.
"Roz—what you—mama, what the fuck she talking about?" Zavier asked.
"Get out! Get out! Get out now!" Vanessa yelled. She pushed my father and Zavier out the way to come at me. I wish she would; Lord, please let her put her hands on me. I need somebody to take my anger out on.
"Wait a minute!" Zavier pulled Vanessa back and stared at me with cold eyes. I shrugged my shoulders and turned to walk out the door. I knew Kevin loved me, so it didn’t matter if they did.
"Zavier, come back here! Let her go!" I could hear Vanessa yelling as I made my way to the stairwell.
"Rozalyn, come here!" Zavier grabbed my arm and jerked me around to face him. "You not about to walk away from this! What were you talking about in there?"