by Shan
Tamar knew that all of this was his damn fault. If he had been honest with me about having a girlfriend, then I would have never given up my virginity to him and Shalea would have no reason to hate me, and no reason to hire Tamar’s cousin Roderick and God only knows who else to fucking rape me.
"Roderick?" I questioned myself as I stared at the damn ceiling. What the hell was that all about? Tamar always talked about how loyal he was, and how cool and smart he was. He was Tamar’s favorite cousin, more like a brother to him. I had to shake my damn head at that shit. I couldn’t figure out what his motive was. No one was aware of any problems that he and Tamar had for him to deliver that amount of betrayal.
Roderick wasn’t the one that raped me though, the one with the familiar scent and redruM tat on his wrist— was the one that violated me. The one whose neck I tore a hole into with my teeth was the coward that desecrated my throne.
I looked at the clock and realized it was nine-thirty in the morning. I’d been awake for over three hours just thinking, wondering, and stressing about bullshit. I grabbed my pillow and put it between my legs cuddling it like it was a damn man.
Closing my eyes, I tried my hardest to go back to sleep, but was disturbed when I heard my front door open and keys crashing against what sounded like my table. I climbed out of bed and stood at the bedroom door. Tamar was placing grocery bags onto the table and putting the perishable items away in the fridge.
I crossed my hands across my chest as I watched him. This was my first time seeing him since our son’s burial and boy did he look way better than he did that day. Usually Tamar would drop things off while I was out or would send them by Toya or Brian.
He grabbed a soda from the fridge, popped the top, and gulped it down. Suddenly midway into his drink he pulled the soda can from his mouth and looked over at me. I guess it’s true when they say you could feel when somebody is staring at you.
"What’s up? I got you some more lunch meat and a couple of packs of meat. I told Toya to tell you to leave a list around since I don’t really know what you be eating and shit," he said and took another gulp of his soda. "I left you a few dollars too."
"Thank you," was all I said. He walked out of the kitchen and that’s when I noticed him sit beside a red-head chick on my leather sofa. I rolled my eyes at the weave-wearing bitch, and then held my head down mad at myself for still drooling over this fool.
I stepped back into my bedroom and grabbed a duby from the ashtray. All I did now was get high, chilled the fuck out, and stayed in an IDGAF mode. Shit fuck you, fuck him, and fuck the rest of the muthafuckas that had something to say about it.
I could give a fuck about school, not really giving two fucks about becoming a lawyer anymore and damn sure don’t give three fucks about a damn fashion designer. Fuck it.
"Who gives a fuck?"
I inhaled a thick cloud of smoke and held on for dear life to it like it was the oxygen I needed to breathe. I heard my fifty-one inch plasma screen TV come on in the living room and I swear to God it felt like somebody set a fire to my behind because I was up at ‘em so damn fast.
"I know the hell you ain’t!" I yelled giving him and this bitch much attitude.
I caught Tamar as he licked his lips and eyeballed me from head to toe. Yea I know it, my body was banging. Once I finally was able to consume food without throwing it back up, that little twenty pounds I lost came back in all the right places.
My son might not be here today, but he enhanced my itty-bitty sized A cup tits to a nice full set of thirty-six C’s. And not to mention, I had a little more meat around my ass and thighs and my stomach was rock fucking hard. Shit all I could do around this bitch was exercise and best believe I took advantage of the weight equipment in building.
"Roz, get the fuck out the way," Tamar smirked. "Look I got some shit to handle over this way, around the corner. So if you don’t mind I need to shit, shower, and shave and I’ll be out your hair in a couple hours."
"Tae, you really got me fucked up. Go shit, shower and shave at this bitch’s crib. I heard that’s where you shacking up at anyway." The red-head, weave-wearing bitch turned her nose up at me as if I gave a fuck.
Ding-Dong. Ding-Dong.
I looked towards the door and then at Tamar as he got up from the couch.
"Go put some clothes on," he said.
"I ain’t putting on shit. I wasn’t aware I was having company," I said.
Tamar gave me look that said "I better get in the room and put some clothes on! Now!" As I passed my plasma, I heard the news anchor reporting how they now had a total of thirteen houses and twenty-two units in the projects to burn down and all of them contained a body or more.
Toya told me Tamar’s been running ruthless around the hood causing mad havoc. I know he had something to do with them fires and bodies even if he would never admit it. Toya said he was more determined than anything to find out who killed our son, beat and raped me, and find who tried to kill him. In that exact order.
"Damn, maybe he do love me," I mumbled. I walked to my closet to find me something really cute to wear. Something that I felt would turn a lot of heads. I had a closet full of shit that I’d never had before all because of Tamar’s guilt money. Prada this, Gucci that, Louis this, Donna Karan that, Juicy Couture this. Shit that I swore I would never spend one red cent on, with my damn money anyway.
Hell if Tamar wanted to keep throwing me stacks of money to stay here and keep my legs closed from other guys while he screwed around with all these other women then fine. I would stay here and keep my legs closed and keep taking his money. But damn that didn’t mean I wanted to have the shit shoved in my face; I thought.
I found a cute little top that hung off my shoulders and showed maybe an inch of my stomach. I grabbed a pair of cute sandals and debated on wearing shorts or a pair of skinny jeans.
"Damn shame," I mumbled as I looked at all this high price shit and thought how it was absolutely ridiculous for one pair of jeans to cost almost four hundred dollars. I had no problem shopping at Macy’s or TJ Maxx for all the cheaper named brand clothing.
Toya was always talking about I had to look the part and everyone was going to always see that I was Tamar’s baby mama and it wouldn’t look right for me to be wearing the cheap shit.
Shit, there were some days that I just felt like throwing a pair of spandex tights, a cut off t-shirt or wife beater and a pair of forces. I mean everybody was aware Tamar got my ass from the projects so why did it matter.
I put on a couple of shades of my MAC eye shadow and a coat of my MAC lip gloss. I grabbed a can of oil sheen from underneath the cabinet and sprayed a little on my hair, not too much because if my hair got too wet it will crinkle up like a fry and it took me too damn long to straighten it.
I did a couple of turns in the full length mirror to make sure my shit was straight before I grabbed a pair of shades and my purse.
I exited the bedroom and of course all eyes were on me. I ignored them though, walked to the bar, grabbed my keys, my cell phone, and then the money that Tamar left on the table.
"Where the hell you going?" Tamar asked.
"To the mall," I replied and rolled my eyes behind my shades. "Hey, Key."
"What’s up girl? You looking good don’t even look like you had a baby," Keylan said.
"Thanks. You know it ain’t shit to do around here but work the fuck out. So yea I gotta keep my body right, you know?" I said.
"I hear you," Keylan said looking me up and down.
"Who you going to the mall with? Toya about to come pick you up?" Tamar asked.
"Nah, Toya had to work. I’m about to go by myself," I replied.
"How you gonna get there?" Tamar asked.
"In my car," I said with a huge smile on my face.
"What car?" Tamar questioned with a puzzled look on his face.
"The car that you bought me," I replied as I dangled my keys in my hand. "All the eyes you got on me, you telling me you didn’t know
you bought me a car?"
"Roz, stop playing. I haven’t bought you a damn car."
"Yea nigga, you did."
"Why you gotta play, Roz? I didn’t buy you a damn car."
"Well then all your little dope fiends bought me a car, regardless I have a car. Just consider it as a late sweet sixteen birthday gift—you know since you was locked up on my birthday."
"Sweet sixteen?" Tamar asked.
Oh shit. I should have stopped while I was ahead. Talking shit to this nigga done made me forget that I lied to him about my age.
"Look I’m about to go. You and your little girlfriend just make yourselves at home in my shit." I tried to get off that subject hoping he would ignore my slip up.
"Your shit? Bitch, when did you start paying the bills around here and what the fuck you talking about sweet sixteen?" Tamar asked as he stood up from the couch.
"Tae, chill," Keylan said.
"Nigga, don’t flatter yourself. I can get any nigga to pay my bills. I let you do it because I love you, but don’t get shit twisted," I said still trying to run away from that sweet sixteen shit.
"What the fuck that’s supposed to mean, Roz?" Tamar asked as he walked over to me.
"Look, I ain’t about to argue with you. I’m about to go. It was nice seeing you, you know since I haven’t seen you in four months." I tried to walk away, but crazy if I thought Tamar was about to let me get away from this shit I started.
Tamar grabbed me by my hair and pulled me back towards him. "You been fucking around, Roz?"
"Let me go!" I yelled.
"Nah, answer my question! You over here popping off at the mouth and shit! Have you been fucking around?"
"No!" I said through gritted teeth.
"Tae, damn! Let the girl go and come on so we can get through handling this shit!" Keylan yelled.
"Shut the fuck up bruh!" Tamar looked down at me, "You feeling yourself or something. I been gone that long that you forgot who the fuck I was." Tamar released my hair, grabbed my phone and keys and pushed me away. "You can go back in that mothafuckin room, I’ll be in there in a minute."
I stood there and crossed my arms over my chest. Fuck this nigga! I haven’t seen his ass since our son’s funeral. He wasn’t about to come through here and tell me what the fuck to do just cause he paid the bills around this bitch.
Yea the statement I made was true. I could get any nigga to come over here and pay these damn bills. I guess he forgot all about Marcus, my wall-street man or maybe he hadn’t realized that his best friend Brandon was more than willing to throw a couple of dollars my way if need be.
"What the fuck did I stutter or something?" Tamar asked.
"Nope, give me my keys and my fucking phone. I’m about go!"
Keylan jumped up from the couch and walked over and stood between the two of us. He knew like I knew that I had gone a little too far and that Tamar was probably about to knock the shit out of me.
"Nah, you ain’t gotta step in between us, Key. I wish this muthafucka' would put his hands on me. He ain't been here in four fucking months! Ain’t called me! Ain’t checked on me! Ain’t sent me any condolences about our fucking son! None of that shit! So he ain’t got no muthafuckin' right to come up in here and tell me what the fuck to do! This nigga bring a bitch up in here and expect me to show his ass some respect? Fuck Tae!" By now tears were pouring from my eyes. "Hand me my shit so I can bounce."
"I need to talk to you before you go anywhere," Tamar said through gritted teeth.
"I don’t have anything to say to you, Tae." I said holding my hand out still waiting for him to hand me my keys and phone back.
Tamar walked away into my room and with expectations that I would follow him. I sat at my table and rolled my eyes at this bitch sitting on my living room sofa staring at me like she wanted to do something.
"Roz, go in there and talk to him before this shit get out of hand! Y'all don‘t need to be doing this shit! That nigga been going through a lot lately," Keylan said.
"Oh, and I haven’t, Key?" I asked looking dumbfounded.
"I didn’t say that," Keylan said as he knelt down in front of me. "All this avoiding each other for months and shit don’t make no damn sense. Go in there and talk to him and cut all this other bullshit out!"
"I haven’t been avoiding him! I have been here, all by my damn self. Dealing with this shit by my damn self and every time I turn around I hear about this nigga fucking this bitch or that bitch all over Facebook and he got the nerves to bring one of his hoes to my fucking house!"
"That’s his cousin, Roz! You know damn well he not about to bring a bitch over here like that!"
"Cousin my ass! This probably the same bitch he fucked on the same day we lost our damn son! Fuck Tae, I’m through trying to make shit work with this nigga!"
"Roz, this is his cousin! I don’t know shit about him and no other females, but I promise you this is his kinfolk! After all that shit that happened you think he gone bring just any female around you like that."
I shrugged my shoulders trying not to show how embarrassed I was. I was wondering why the bitch wasn’t talking shit back to me. I was waiting on her to say something so I would have a reason to snatch that hoe weave out. I looked over at her and she gave me a half of smile.
"I’m Kayla, Tamar’s cousin from his dad’s side. I wanted to meet you at the hospital but it was just too much going on at the time," she said.
"Now, get the fuck up and go holla' at my boy. I got shit to do!" Keylan yelled.
I looked at Keylan, got up from the table, and crossed my arms over my chest pouting like a little kid. I walked into my bedroom where Tamar was seated on the floor going through my phone. I turned around and closed the door behind me and then leaned against the dresser.
"Have you been fucking around on me?" he asked.
"I didn’t know we were a couple," I said with a roll of my eyes.
"I didn’t know that we weren’t!"
"What you mean you didn’t know that we weren’t. I haven’t seen or heard from you in four months, Tae! Four months!"
"It don’t matter. I put a fucking roof over your head, pay the fucking bills around here, and keep money in your damn pocket! You think I do shit like that for anybody?"
"You do that because you feel guilty about what happened."
"Yea you right, I do feel guilty. It’s hard looking at you knowing I’m the fucking reason why you was raped. I know it’s my fault that you lost the baby. I know that shit." Tamar was shaking his head. "It’s cool though. Two of them muthafuckas down, two more to go."
"So, you out there killing people? You think that’s going to bring him back?"
"I know it ain’t gonna bring him back but it ain’t about that, it’s about people thinking I’m some punk ass nigga who can be fucked with. It’s about me finding out who the fuck I thought was for me is really against me. I know that it gotta be somebody else whom I trusted that was in on that shit and if I gotta keep bodying these niggas to find out then that’s what I’m gone do."
"Whatever," I said.
"Yea, I know you don’t understand."
"No, I don’t. I hate all of whoever was involved in what happened, but I don’t think you should be out there killing people. Are you the one starting those damn fires?"
"What are you wearing or wire or something?" Tamar scoffed. "Don’t you ever ask me no shit like that!" Tamar looked up at me and then back at my phone. "The less you know the better for you."
"Is all this shit I’m seeing on Facebook true?" I asked.
"Do I look like I be on Facebook, Roz? I don’t know shit that’s going on, on no damn Facebook," Tamar stated.
"Did you not leave the hospital after our son died and screw some random bitch?"
"That’s not what we talking about right now, Roz?"
"Oh, we're not? You can question me about who I’m fucking, but I can’t question you about who you sticking your dick in."
"Don’t try to act lik
e you ain’t doing no foul shit either! I know you went to that nigga Andre house the day I was laid up in the hospital damn near dead! So don’t act like you ain’t did shit!"
"I ain’t fuck Dre! I went over Dre house because I felt like that would be the last place your damn brother would be looking for me! I didn’t have sex with him!"
"That’s not what I heard."
"Well whatever you heard is a muthafuckin' lie. You the only person I have ever had sex with and I’m tired of telling you that."
"I ain’t trying to hear that shit."
"So, did you leave the hospital and go fuck some whore?" I asked again.
"I was locked up for some months Roz. I was in need of some. It was nothing, it happened one fucking time."
I shook my head in disgust not believing that he would do something like that. I was lying in the hospital with broken bones from my fucking face being bashed in and this fool was laid up somewhere getting some damn pussy.
Our fucking son had passed away and I didn’t even know anything about it until days later and this nigga was laid up getting some damn pussy! The tears flowed from my eyes like a waterfall just thinking about how much he disrespected me.
"Come here."
"No," I shook my head no.
"Baby, come here."
"Baby? How you gone call me baby after that shit? That’s fucking disrespectful, Tae. If I had done some shit like that, you would have been over here kicking my ass!"
Tamar got up from the floor and walked over to me. He put his arms around me and tried to kiss me on the lips, but I turned my head.
"Don’t be like that. I’m sorry," he said as he nibbled on my ear.
"Get off of me. Don’t touch me," I whined as I pushed him away although I didn't want him to let me go. His touch felt so warm and assuring to me.
"Come here baby," Tamar walked over to the bed and sat on the edge of it. He held his arms out for me to come to him.
I walked over to him. He pulled me in between his legs and looked up at me. I had to turn my head and look at the wall or something. I didn’t want to forgive him for abandoning my heart. Not just yet. I didn’t want him to know that I still loved him and wanted him to hold me and tell me how much he loved me.