by Nick Louth
Table of Contents
Cover
Publishing Details
Praise For Funny Money
About The Author
Foreword
Introduction
Chapter One: Scissors And Suffering
Tuesday 11th September 2007: Hair-Raising Incidents
Wednesday 12th September: Rockslide
Wednesday Evening: Topham Tales
Thursday 13th September: Genghis Can’t
Friday 14th September: Edgington To The Rescue
Chapter Two: Minimum Wage
Saturday 15th September: Bank Run
Sunday 16th September: All For Nought
Tuesday 18th September: Hedge Trimming
Wednesday 19th September: Robbing Peter
Thursday 20th September: Edgington Triumphs Again
Saturday 22nd September: Pomegranate Promise
Monday 24th September: Halo Slips
Wednesday 26th September: Traumatic For Some
Chapter Three: Sooty And Sweep
Thursday 4th October: Glove Puppets Off
Wednesday 10th October: Taxing Admiration
Thursday 11th October: A Sharp Fall
Friday 12th October: Wilful Behaviour
Tuesday 16th October: Breathing Again
Wednesday 17th October: Careless Homes
Monday 22nd October: Toby Back Again
Tuesday 23rd October: Lawyer, Lawyer Pants On Fire
Wednesday 24th October: Split Over Bank Prospects
Thursday 25th October: Return Of The Elevenses
Chapter Four: Pizza The Action
Thursday 1st November: Cheesed Off
Saturday 3rd November: Gleaming Spires
Sunday 4th November: Buns Of Steel
Tuesday 6th November: A Trip Down Clio Lane
Wednesday 7th November: Dented Sweepstake
Thursday 15th November: Dental Disaster
Monday 19th November: Kitty Catch
Tuesday 20th November: Slipped Disc
Wednesday 21st November: Ukrainian Foresight
Chapter Five: Nasdaq The Dog
Friday 23rd November: QinetiQ Rip-Off
Saturday 24th November: Nasdaq The Dog
Monday 26th November: Roll And Filling
Tuesday 18th December: Cash Extraction
Wednesday 19th December: Smoking IS Good For You
Monday 24th December: Christmas Shopping
Chapter Six: Crème De La Crème
Tuesday 25th December: Christmas Mourning
Christmas Afternoon: Underwhelmed, Overground
Wednesday 26th December: The Day After
Thursday 27th December: Perfect Peter Boasts
Friday 28th December: Crossed Wires
Saturday 29th December: Credit Crisis
New Year’s Eve: Treasure Trove
New Year’s Day: Not The Party Type
Chapter Seven: New Year Resolutions
Wednesday 9th January 2008: Cosmetic Surgery
Thursday 10th January: No Gain Without Pain
Friday 11th January: Brake With Tradition
Sunday 13th January: Money Laundering
Monday 14th January: Bailiff Time
Wednesday 16th January: Trauma At The Bar
Thursday 17th January: Retail Therapy Needed
Friday 18th January: Severe Handbagging
Saturday 19th January: Hippopotamuses Manoeuvring
Sunday 20th January: Tax Demands
Chapter Eight: Chinese Ordeal
Monday 21st January: Tanking Shares
Tuesday 22nd January: Dungeons And Dragons
Wednesday 23rd January: Oriental Ordeal
Thursday 24th January: Derivative Dingbat
Saturday 26th January: Checkmate
Monday 28th January: Profits Hit The Buffers
Wednesday 30th January: Anniversary Antics
Monday 4th February: Generations Apart
Chapter Nine: A Tough Delivery
Tuesday 12th February: Car Chase
Wednesday 13th February: Failure To Deliver
Thursday 14th February: Rentokilled
Monday 18th February: Pole Vaulting
Tuesday 19th February: Getting Up
Wednesday 20th February: Getting Up
Thursday 28th February: Cave-In Cost
Wednesday 5th March: The Buffett Way
Chapter Ten: Antichrist Antics
Saturday 8th March: Dot-To-Dot
Sunday 9th March: Digby Checkmated
Monday 10th March: Bovis Satisfaction
Tuesday 11th March: Pass The Parcel
Wednesday 12th March: Fed Up
Thursday 13th March: Perfect Peter’s Imperfect PC
Friday 14th March: Profits With Dignity
Monday 17th March: Misery Monday
Tuesday 18th March: Disaster Hits Edgington
Chapter Eleven: Special Excursion
Wednesday 19th March: Last Minute Offer
Wednesday 19th March: Evening Excuses
Thursday 20th March: Stansted Stand-Up
Friday 21st March: Rigorous Riga
Friday 21st March: Off Your Trolley
Friday 21st March: Jab At The Hut
Saturday 22nd March: Disco Queen
Saturday 22nd March: Two A.M.
Sunday 23rd March: The Morning After
Sunday Afternoon: Taxing Conversations
Monday 24th March: Happy Landings
Chapter Twelve: Grain Of Truth
Tuesday 25th March: Not Helping With Inquiries
Wednesday 26th March: Share Club
Thursday 27th March: Mother And Child
Saturday 29th March: Biofuel Innovation
Monday 31st March: Hornby Warning
Chapter Thirteen: Coining It!
Tuesday 1st April: April Fool’s Gold
Monday 7th April: Vengeance On Rentokil
Tuesday 8th April: Spending Spree
Wednesday 9th April: Members Only
Saturday 19th April: Antichrist Refuge
Chapter Fourteen: Monsters From Hell
Sunday 20th April: A Kick In The Warlocks
Monday 21st April: Keeping Abreast Of Rivals
Tuesday 22nd April: Rights And Wrongs
Wednesday 23rd April: Deutsche Bonk
Friday 25th April: Looking After Nasdaq
Saturday 26th April: Ga-Ga Over Grangemouth
Tuesday 29th April: Best Estimates
Wednesday 30th April: A Company By Any Other Name
Chapter Fifteen: Car Alarm
Thursday 1st May: Goodwill Over-Paid
Saturday 3rd May: Renault Lost
Wednesday 7th May: Medical Appointment
Thursday 8th May: Unileverage
Saturday 10th May: Antichrist Cluster
Tuesday 13th May: Energy Savings
Wednesday 14th May: The Final Purchase
Monday 19th May: Going For A Wii
Tuesday 20th May: Planning For The Future
Thursday 22nd May: Question And Answer
Saturday 24th May: Ethics Girl
Chapter Sixteen: Hug A Hoodie
Monday 26th May: Tradesmen’s Entrance
Tuesday 27th May: Market Knowledge
Thursday 29th May: The Plastic Fantastic
Chapter Seventeen: Dunces With Wolves
Wednesday 4th June: Bradford & Bingley
Tuesday 10th June: Dunces With Wolves
Wednesday 11th June: Barratt Barracking
Friday 13th June
: Irish Stew
Saturday 14th June: Soft, Long And Very Strong
Monday 15th June: Default Spreads
Friday 20th June: Gates Departure
Chapter Eighteen: Fingers In The Drawer
Tuesday 1st July: Tanfield Plunge
Wednesday 2nd July: K.P.’s Gamble
Thursday 3rd July: Sparks At Marks
Friday 4th July: Random Dog Walk
Sunday 6th July: New Balls, Please
Monday 7th July: Consumer Electronics 1955-Style
Tuesday 8th July: Choosing A Dog Stock
Wednesday 9th July: Insider Tip
Thursday 10th July: Blazing Comet
Sunday 13th July: All Creatures Grate And Smell
Monday 14th July: Bastille Day Massacre
Tuesday 15th July: Worse Still
Wednesday 16th July: Share Club Deserted
Chapter Nineteen: Equitable Treatment
Thursday 17th July: A Kiss For Ann
Friday 18th July: Death Or Glory
Saturday 19th July: Fairtrade Fight
Monday 21st July: Vindicated On Domino’s
Tuesday 22nd July: Community Service
Wednesday 23rd July: Dodgy Mortgage
Thursday 24th July: Massage In A Bottle
Friday 25th July: Blue-Blooded Broker Shock
Saturday 26th July: Debenhams Card Missing
Chapter Twenty: Dot Goes Missing
Thursday 7th August: Dreams Of Yesteryear
Friday 8th August: Feeling Better
Saturday 9th August: Bad Omens
Publishing Details
Harriman House Ltd
3A Penns Road
Petersfield
Hampshire
GU32 2EW
Tel. +44 (0)1730 233870
Email: [email protected]
Website: www.harriman-house.com
First published in Great Britain in 2008 by Harriman House Ltd.
Ludensian Books
Copyright © Nick Louth
www.nicklouth.com
www.bernardjones.co.uk
The rights of Nick Louth to be identified as the author have been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act 1988.
9780857193759
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
A CIP catalogue record for this book can be obtained from the British Library
All rights reserved; no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without the prior written permission of the Publisher. This book may not be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise disposed of by way of trade in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published without the prior written consent of the Publisher.
No responsibility for loss occasioned to any person or corporate body acting or refraining to act as a result of reading material in this book can be accepted by the Publisher or by the Author.
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between the characters herein and real persons living or otherwise is purely coincidental.
For Louise
Praise For Funny Money
“In Bernard Jones, Nick Louth has produced an anti-hero for our financial age. Whether it is fighting his way to a secure retirement, jousting with the council over wheelie bins or feuding with his wife over his fondness for cakes and biscuits, Bernard Jones goes into battle on behalf of us all.”
Matthew Vincent, Editor, Investors Chronicle
“Nick Louth delightfully and painfully accurately brings to life the travails of the amateur investor as he tries to make his pension stretch that little bit further. Nick’s wry humour and witty focus on human relationships and frailties is a must read and requires no knowledge of finance to enjoy.”
Ashley Seager, The Guardian
“Just as chick-lit heroine Bridget Jones struggles with men, retired anti-hero Bernard Jones is bemused by the trials and tribulations of investing. Anyone who is a member of an investment club will instantly recognise the characters in this clever, well crafted and highly amusing book.”
Brian Durrant, Investment Director, The Fleet Street Letter
“Bernard Jones, tried by life, marriage, family, friends and neighbours as much as by investment is a must-read. He’s on the way to becoming a minor classic.”
Chris Crowcroft, Investors Chronicle reader
“I have enjoyed reading Bernard Jones Diary as he attempts to enjoy retirement with a mixture of cunning and (not too much) knowledge. I wish him well.”
Eric Cox, Investors Chronicle reader
“It’s so easy to identify with Bernard Jones and the situations he describes. I almost feel I know him as a friend. His diary is the first page I turn to in the magazine. It is always topical and hugely entertaining.”
Leonard Spark, Investors Chronicle reader
“Small time investor Bernard Jones juggles with middle age, a wife, a grown up family, an elderly mother, foul neighbours and investments. His only pleasures are his indulgence in secretive sweet treats and a Hornby train set. Life shifts up a gear when a pretty au pair arrives next door.”
Joe Vella, Investors Chronicle reader
“Bernard and I are soul mates…We share the same hopeless investing traits being driven by misty eyed emotion, alcohol and a love of chocolate rather than the cold logical appraisal of information so beloved by the professionals.”
Gordon Gray, New Zealand, Investors Chronicle reader
“I have found myself laughing out loud and occasionally in giggles!”
Mark Hobhouse, Investors Chronicle reader
“A must read for the private investor…Share the highs and lows of life with Bernard as he battles the twin impostors of triumph and despair (not in equal measure unfortunately).”
Tony Watson, Investors Chronicle reader
“Don’t miss Bernard’s diary, it will brighten your day. This addictive column is so true to life.”
Paul Hunt, Investors Chronicle reader
About The Author
Nick Louth is a financial journalist, author and investment commentator. He is a former Reuters correspondent, and a regulator contributor to the Financial Times, Investors Chronicle and Money Observer. Nick Louth is married and lives in Lincolnshire.
Nick Louth is the author of:
Multiply Your Money
Bite
The Investment Diary of Bernard Jones
Bernard Jones and the Temple of Mammon
Dunces with Wolves
Foreword
Bernard Jones was born as a one-off feature idea for the Investors Chronicle for the Christmas edition of 2005. Almost three years later Dunces with Wolves is the third volume of the Bernard Jones Diaries, proof, perhaps, that something begun on a whim can soon take on a life of its own.
The story of Bernard is really an attempt to dissolve the hyperbolic claims of the investment world with a dose of blunt reality. Far from regaling readers with yet another grandiose tale, such as How I Made A Million In Forty-Eight Hours While Lying By The Pool With My Three Supermodel Girlfriends I decided to pursue the more realistic story: How I Lost £1283.46 In An Hour And A Quarter When I Forgot To Sell My Shares In Northern Rock Because The Header Tank In The Loft Was Leaking Into The Spare Bedroom And Ruining My Wife’s Cardigan Collection.
Bernard Jones probably spends more time up a ladder being hen-pecked about cardigans than the average investor, and certainly more time being supervised while trimming leylandii hedges than any hedge fund manager. For all the experience he has gained, either with über-successful investor and friend ‘Perfect’ Peter Edgington or the group of amateurs who make up the Hell’s Bells share club at the Ring o’Bells pub, it hasn’t done him the slightest bit of good.
Dunces with Wolves is more than a collection of previously published columns. As with the previous volumes, more than a third is new and unpu
blished material. That is either because some plot lines were too long for the limited space in the magazine, or in some cases too racy. I’ll leave you to decide. So if you want to experience what it’s like to be French kissed by a tax inspector you’ve got to read on, because you won’t find it in back copies of the Investors Chronicle.
The first volume of the diaries, Funny Money was published in February 2007 by Ludensian Books. The second volume, Bernard Jones and the Temple of Mammon, was published in November 2007 by Harriman House.
There is much more background information on Bernard Jones and the other characters at the website www.bernardjones.co.uk and on the Investors Chronicle website www.investorschronicle.co.uk. The author would be pleased to receive reader’s feedback at www.nicklouth.com.
Introduction
Bernard Jones is one of life’s losers. The retired civil servant and amateur investor lets opportunities shoot through his fingers as easily as the last splinter of soap in a Travelodge bathroom. Frustrated by decades of marriage to the demanding Eunice, Bernard loses himself in the den at the back of the house, which he has renamed Lemon Curdistan. In this self-styled republic, he slaves over his personal computer dreaming of untold stock market riches.
Eunice, whose carnal appetites have not been blunted by advancing years or dress size, has quite different plans for her husband, which Bernard refers to under the dreaded sobriquet ‘hippopotamus manoeuvres’. What Eunice fails to understand is that her husband’s desires in this area shrivelled along with the pound in your pocket sometime during Harold Wilson’s premiership. But Eunice is a modern woman. Together with her trendy vegan friend Irmgard and near-neighbour Daphne Hanson-Hart, she is quite open about Bernard’s deficiencies whether they be pensions, passions or prostate. She is particularly determined to steer him from his preferred elevenses of biscuits and cakes towards healthier fare, preferably probiotic yoghurt, lentils and obscure Fairtrade fruit.
Despite more than six decades of life experience, Bernard’s timing remains impeccably bad. He can be relied upon to miss every chance to sell a losing share before it is worthless. Even on the rare occasion that he stumbles upon a winner, you can be sure that he will hastily sell as soon as he’s gained 5% and watch in impotent fury as its price then shoots into orbit.
Bernard’s eccentric and addled mother, Dot, has the very fortune to which he aspires. However, the demented but determined nonagenarian is determined to keep it from him. Instead, she has turned to Mary Asterby, leader of the local Women’s Institute, whose steely resolve and bookkeeping acumen is just the ticket to prevent Bernard’s inheritance dissolving along with Britain’s banking system.