Lucian’s back was to him, so his father hoped he wouldn’t notice. When the new customer sat in a booth next to theirs, however, he cringed in his seat for the inevitable conflict.
Lucian sipped his apple juice and crumpled a cookie wrapper with his tiny fist. “Look at him, Father. He thinks he can show up early to attack before I’m fully developed. The nerve! Well, I’ll show him.” He threw a chicken nugget. It smacked the guy’s cheek and landed on his fish filet.
The bearded man set the nugget aside and said to the father without looking. “Please control your kid, sir.”
“I apologize.” He turned to his son. “Settle down, will you? That’s not who you think it is. He’s just some hippie with a hangover.”
Lucian arched an eyebrow. “I would never think that you, of all people, would be a nonbeliever.” He threw his opened container of barbecue sauce at the hippie and spoke in his deep voice. “Fear me!”
A nugget was one thing, but now the guy had sticky sauce in his hair. He stood to face them and yelled, “You little brat! What’s wrong with you?”
Lucian banged on the high chair. “Release me, Father, so that I might do battle!”
The hippie looked at the father. “Is he for real? Does he need his pills or something?”
Everyone else in the place stopped to watch the scene unfold. The father wrapped his sandwich up and prepared to leave. “I’m sorry, folks. We’ll be on our way, now.”
“No!” Lucian raised his hands. The sky darkened outside as storm clouds gathered. The lights flickered and sparked. “The end of the world is upon us. Armageddon will take place here and now!”
The building rumbled and the spectators panicked.
“That’s a good idea,” the father announced. “You should all evacuate, immediately.” He turned to the hippie. “Especially you.”
The hippie didn’t move, though. He was too enthralled with the situation. Meanwhile, restaurant employees left through the rear exit and customers headed for the door.
The high chair crumbled apart, leaving the toddler hovering in the air. “I require an audience.” The floor next to him cracked and busted apart. The nerdy guy with a mop cowered in a corner, terrified but also upset because he’d just cleaned that area.
Demons crawled from the hole and grabbed anyone who hadn’t left yet, forcing them to watch. Lucian clapped his hands together. “I need music!” The soda dispensers belched out ghosts, and they flew into the choir members. They stiffened, eyes turning coal black, and they began to sing in spooky Latin.
The father attempted to do his job. “Lucian, if you keep this up, you’ll be getting a time out!”
“Forget that!” the hippie said. “He needs a tranquilizer gun!”
Lucian wrung his fingers together and squinted his eyes. “Oh, you’d love that, wouldn’t you? To Hell with you, Savior!” Red lightning shot from his eyes, throwing his target against the wall. The hippie looked dead for a moment, but then groaned and shook his head.
A sinister cackle left the toddler’s grinning lips, echoed by the demons around him. “Now, to finish him off!” Lucian levitated closer, his eyes glowing to another full charge. “Die!” The building began to shake apart from the force of his voice.
The hippie jumped to his feet, took the mop from the nerd, and smacked the kid as hard as he could. Lightning shot in all directions as Lucian flew through a window and tumbled across the parking lot. The hippie dropped the mop and smirked. “Spare the rod, spoil the child.”
“Again,” the father said, “I’m sorry about all of this.” He ran outside to join his son.
The hippie looked around the room. The demons were still there, glancing at each other as they wondered what they should do. Finally, the biggest one shrugged and jumped back into the pit. The others followed, along with the spirits that were inside the choir members. Then the restaurant shook once more before collapsing into itself, sucking into the pit piece-by-piece until all that stood were the people left inside; most were broken and battered from booths and glass smashing against them as the Snappy Snack Shack went to Hell.
In the parking lot, the father picked up his moaning child, saying, “Do you see, now, why I never take you anywhere?”
Lucian coughed. “I’m still hungry, Father. I crave ice cream.”
He sighed. “Sure.”
The sky cleared as they left, and the hippie winced at the sunlight as he brushed drywall from his arms. The lady with vomit on her chest ran to him from the bathroom area. “My arm is broken! Please, you’ve gotta help me!”
The hippie rolled his eyes, healed her with a touch of his finger, and left the rest for the paramedics to deal with.
And now for a poem! (Don’t run, though. It’s funny)
The Little Corpse
Stanley would punch you in the crotch, sneering
It’s “little person,” fucker!
The last one was his night manager,
at the Snappy Snack Shack. It was always
the same, job after job. See that Ford truck
with the camper on the back? With the garbage
scattered around it and the burn barrel in front?
Stanley’s crotch punching kept him sleeping there
and not the roach motel room that he had
when times were good. The crack whores next door
thought he was so adorable. After the truck
stopped working, he sat in front of a First National.
When business men and finance execs
refused his whiskey scented pan-handling,
and called him a stupid, dirty midget,
he punched them in the crotch.
Finally, an old wrinkled guy in a flannel shirt
gave him a twenty dollar bill and said,
Will you help clean my house?
They didn’t talk while they walked. He was led
to the bathroom, a tub full of soiled filet knives.
Now Stanley’s job is easy - keeping his friends
company. They are just like him, still and staring
wide-eyed. He’s sprawled on an obese woman
made lighter when she burst a few days ago.
Her stench is all over him now, but he’s still happy.
In his new home, they don’t call him midget.
Or little person. Or anything at all.
The Adventures of Sidney and Rodney
(A story written in the 90s while under the influence of hallucinogenic mushrooms)
Once there was a happy little smurf that lived in a great big mushroom house. He didn’t live there long, though, because a rabbit ate him up and moved into his mushroom. This was a weird-looking rabbit. He was pink with one chewed-up ear. He hated it when other animals asked why his ear was chewed up because it made him feel stupid. You see, he’s the one that chewed his ear up. One night he had been really messed up and thought his ear was the boogieman coming to get him. He got the sucker good, but it was his ear.
So one day the rabbit (his name was Sidney, by the way) was walking in the woods when a big brown bear came up to him and asked, “Why are you pink and what’s wrong with your ear?”
This made Sidney so mad that he jumped up and bit the bear’s nose.
“Why did you do that?” the bear asked.
“Because you’re a big, ugly butthole with a scary booger hanging out of your nose. It was so scary that I thought I’d bite it.”
Then they got hit by a train. The people in the train didn’t care that they ran over a bear and a funny little rabbit. They had better things to do.
Sidney and the bear (we’ll call him Rodney) were very upset, so they gunned down a busload of Keebler Elves and drove the bus into the train.
“Hah!” Sidney said to the bleeding train people. “That will teach you to run me over and squish me all over the tracks!”
Rodney the bear came up behind him and agreed. “Yeah!”
Sidney was startled, so he turned around and poked Rod
ney’s eye out with his little chewed-up ear.
“Why did you do that?” Rodney asked.
“I hate you!” Sidney screamed. “Leave me alone! I want to kill you!”
Rodney stuck around, though, because he didn’t think Sidney really meant it.
So Sidney was hopping along one day, trying to ignore the fact that there was a big, brown bear behind him, when suddenly he was hit in the head by a golf ball.
“Ouch!” he said. “Who did that?”
An old man came from over the hill with a golf club and gasped. “There’s a weird-looking pink bunny and a bear on the course!”
Sidney ran up to him. “Look, you old shriveled-up human. Don’t throw any more balls at me. It hurts.”
The old man was frightened and tried to hit the pink bunny rabbit with his golf club, but Rodney attacked him and tore him to pieces.
“There,” Rodney said, and then to Sidney, “Now do you like me?”
“No,” said Sidney, and he bit Rodney’s tail off.
“Darn it,” Rodney groaned. “I wish you’d stop doing things like that.”
Sidney didn’t know what to do. He really didn’t want Rodney around. Then he had an idea that maybe Rodney could be fun.
So the little pink bunny walked to a McDonald’s and said to Rodney, “They spit on me!” Rodney went inside and killed everyone within. Then Sidney ate all the food inside. He only ate vegetables, though, because rabbits don’t eat meat (well, maybe smurfs). Sidney offered Rodney some hamburger, but he was already busy eating the old ladies and puppy dogs that he had killed.
Upon exploring the kitchen of McDonald’s, Sidney accidentally shut himself inside a microwave and he was nuked. Then the cops showed up and shot Rodney while he was taking a poop on the counter.
Shroom Haiku
(All written while under the influence of... well, you get it)
I can't move my legs
Bones have turned into Jell-o
And I have to pee
Eating this pizza
Feels like flesh and slime to me
Stomach is in knots
Peter saw Jesus
Pooping in a hole outside
He said, "Holy shit!"
Who is doing that?
Running a chainsaw at night
Outside my window
Climb to the tree's top
In my new neighbor's front lawn
Caw like a big bird
Spiders in the tree
I should jump to the ground, but
Sharks are in the grass
Look to the bright sky
So full of swarming seagulls
Swooping at the car
Look at the fairy
Flying happily around
Bug zapper got it
Restaurant regroup
Quick! Everyone act sober!
Cops are here on break
Pardon me, Lady
I must confess my rude act
I ate your muffin
Those deadly blue smurfs
Waiting just outside my door
With pitchforks in hand
People are staring
I can feel wind on my butt
Damn it! I'm naked
Look in the corner
A woman writhing around
Behind the curtain
The blood-soaked butcher
Comes out of the woods and asks
You want some chicken?
Oh dear, my anus!
It's spewing odorous fumes
Noses take cover!
Glow-in-the-dark stars
Stuck to the ceiling fan blades
Shoot across the room
Weird guy sits by tree
Hey! Wanna buy a pine cone?
Smile and walk away
Damn redneck woman!
Brought her lice-infested kids
Get her out of here
They don't understand
Why I laugh for no reason
They are just jealous
No sense in yelling
Honey runs smoother than shit
Calm down and be nice
I will stomp on you
Squish you all between my toes
Jolly Green Giant
Crazy old Santa
He's drunk again on whiskey
Flailing in the trash
For your heinous crimes
Six of your toes will fall off
Eighty years from now
The big brown cow says,
Look at those crazy humans
Playing in our shit
I see a turkey
Kill it! Put food up its butt
Time for Thanksgiving
Rabbit in the woods
Something black stuck to its fur
It's a poop-sickle
My head is a zit
Got to squeeze all the puss out
Crater on my neck
Brand new summer shoes
Walking in the fresh green grass
Stepped in doggy-doo
Refrigerator
A cow sticks its head inside
It's looking for milk
Nice cold ice cream cone
Dropped it on the dirty floor
Eat it anyway
Have to pee real bad
Nasty, dirty urinal
Better flush with foot
Warm breeze through your hair
Smells rotten, you wonder why
It came from my butt
Strange frog in winter
Leaning against the wet wall
Damn thing can't move now
The fly approaches
It eats all my food and says,
"Get me some more, bitch!"
My head hurts like hell
Pounding hammer in my skull
Better drink a beer
Pooping in the woods
It feels so nice but then Oops!
Got some on my pants
Crazy little smurfs
Living in mushroom houses
They will take your soul
Look at that cute kid
Eating a candy bar with-
Finger up his nose
A pile of towels
Laying on the bathroom floor
They're gonna get me
Girl sits on the couch
Legs are crossed Indian-style
Big lips will eat her
Knocking on the door
Difficult to concentrate
Let me poop in peace
Guy passed out on floor
Drank way too much of that juice
Or could he be dead?
Morning birds singing
Lovely sounds for all to hear
Keeps me from sleeping
I have a question
How many farts does it take
To get you to leave?
Table of Contents
Zombie Bastard
Part One: Road Trip Runs
Part Two: Cursed at Birth
Part Three: Zombie Bastard
Part Four: The Witch Bitch
Wolf Plugs
More Than a Woman
Bad Church
No Returns
Tom Sawyer’s Last Adventure
Bonus #1
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Bonus #2
Preview #1
Preview #2
Bonus #3
Armageddon in the Snappy Snack Shack
The Little Corpse
The Adventures of Sidney and Rodney
Shroom Haiku
Table of Contents
Zombie Bastard Part One: Road Trip Runs
Part Two: Cursed at Birth
Part Three: Zombie Bastard
Part Four: The Witch Bitch
Wolf Plugs
More Than a Woman
Zombies, Werewolves, Whores, and More! Page 16