After seeing Sullivan last night with Granny and having a chat with him, I had a whole new perspective on the guy. I’d always thought he was a selfish asshole for leaving and never coming back, but now that I knew why, I understood. I didn’t run far away when my parents died, but I’d come here and buried myself in taking care of Granny without a thought of what would happen when she passed.
As I lay in bed that night, I knew that I might never be able to ask Granny for advice again, and with that realization came others. I needed to think about my life, my future, and the fact that I’d have to move forward without her. For the first time in a while, I had no idea what I was going to do with myself and no excuses to keep me here.
The next day brought more of the same thoughts. I hadn’t felt like doing much. My body felt weighted down, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I did my usual checks on Granny, but she just laid there, only coming out of unconsciousness once for a very brief moment.
I avoided visitors as they came to spend time with her, needing time to myself. I’d known this day was coming for some time. I’d started caring for her a few years back, knowing she wasn’t in good health. I’d run through every scenario in my head since the doctors had told us the end was near. I felt like I was prepared, but now that it was looming, I wasn’t ready in the slightest. I knew I’d hear the flatline of her heart monitor sooner rather than later, and that haunted my dreams on a nightly basis.
Although I’d avoided everyone, I was happy for the temporary relief when Sullivan and his mom went to the store. The thought of him did something to me, so knowing they were gone and there was no chance of seeing him helped to keep my mind off of him—at least a little. I wasn’t ready to handle my emotions about Granny or the confusion of how I felt about Sullivan.
I was relieved I had somehow managed to get through the entire day without having to talk much with anyone. The only reason I came out of my room at all was to take care of Granny.
I’d slept so much during the day that I wasn’t able to drift off to sleep for the night until around midnight, although I’d been trying for hours. Granny didn’t need any medication until the morning, so I had gone to bed early. My body and mind were beyond exhausted, and I was hoping that sleep would take me under.
I woke to a ringing sound and looked over at the clock that read two-forty. I tried to clear my ears of the ringing, but it didn’t help. I sat up in bed and looked around in a daze. I was still half asleep. I threw off the blankets and grabbed my robe before opening my door. Then it hit me.
“Granny!” I screamed as I bolted out of my room and down the hall.
My heart was beating out of my chest as I slid to a stop at her open door. I cast my eyes instinctively to the screen of the EKG machine, and my fears were confirmed. A thin line ran across the screen as the monotonous sound rang loudly throughout the room. Granny’s heart had finally given in, but I wasn’t ready for her to leave just yet.
I ran to her side and placed both of my hands gently on her chest. I started compressions and breathing like I’d practiced so many times before. I’d never experienced this much panic as I hoped with every fiber of my being that her heart would start beating and her chest would rise and fall once again.
I don’t know how long I worked on her; I’d gone into autopilot. My arms were numb, but I was determined not to give up. I looked up at the EKG machine as the room went silent and then back down to Granny’s peaceful face, but she still wasn’t breathing. I was about to restart CPR when I felt large arms wrap around me and carry me away from her bedside.
I reached out, trying to grab the bedrail. “Come back, Granny. Don’t leave me, please. I can’t lose you, too.” I screamed as a sob escaped my throat, and I tried to fight him off.
“Stop yelling.” Sullivan’s voice was calm as he tried to control me.
I wasn’t sure how he’d known to come to the guest house, but I had probably woken the neighborhood with my shouting. I tried desperately to free myself from his grip, but he was way stronger than I was, and he wasn’t letting go. I finally got dragged into the hall before I was put down. I turned around immediately and tried to go back into the room, but Sullivan stood at the door, blocking my way.
“Let me in, Sullivan. Move now, or I’ll have to go through you!” I hollered frantically.
At that moment, all I could feel was rage and pain. Sullivan stood still; his face sad as he tried to quiet me. I was seeing red and could see his mouth moving, but I couldn’t hear anything he said.
I started to beat on his chest. “Just let me through. I can bring her back. I swear I can. I can’t lose her, too, please,” I implored desperately. “I’m not ready,” I pleaded.
His arms fell as he appeared to give in, and I used that moment to try to push Sullivan out of the way, but I wasn’t near powerful enough. After another few minutes of failing, I ran out of energy and slumped to the floor.
Sullivan crouched in front of me and put his hands on my cheeks. “Hey, Missy. Granny’s gone. I know you tried your best and loved her very much, but it’s time to let her go. She’s at peace,” he said in a soft, soothing voice.
The sobs wracked my body as I became a blubbering mess in that hallway. Sullivan sat beside me and pulled me into his lap. I didn’t bother to fight him. I felt protected in his arms as he rubbed my back. I let go and allowed myself to fall apart secure in his embrace. I could hear the muffled sounds of Susan’s voice speaking softly, but I didn’t look up. I wanted to stay wrapped in Sullivan’s protection like this instead of dealing with the horrible reality my life had suddenly become.
In a way, it was selfish. Granny was their flesh and blood, and I was merely the orphaned girl next door who they’d taken pity on, but on the other hand, Granny and I truly had a connection. The Moore family had become my whole world since mine had come crashing down.
I felt Sullivan take in a deep breath, and I pulled back to look up at him. He had tears trailing down his face. I reached up and wiped them away and let my hand rest on his cheek as I stared into his bright-green irises. “You have her eyes,” I whispered.
He reached his hand up to cover mine and smiled. Although just moments before I’d felt lost and left behind, for that instant, I felt…whole, like everything would be all right.
“Everything will be okay, Missy. I promise.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to my forehead.
My stomach did summersaults, and as I closed my eyes, his lips lingering a little longer than I would’ve thought. “Thank you. I’m sorry for how I acted. I should be the one consoling you. She was your grandmother, not mine.” I sniffed.
“Don’t be ridiculous, you’re family. My mother talks of you like you’re her daughter. I also saw you two together; she loved you like her own. I know you loved her, too. You’ve cared for her, and for that, I will forever be grateful.”
I smiled but couldn’t speak. His words brought happy tears to the surface, and I was trying not to lose it all over again. I pulled back reluctantly and climbed out of his lap. He stood with me but seemed to be watching me like I was a feral animal, wondering if I was going to go crazy.
“You can relax; I’m fine. I just want to say goodbye. I didn’t get a chance before.”
He smiled sadly. “I’ve already called 9-1-1, but take your time.”
“Of course.” I wanted to slap myself. This was my job, and as her nurse, I should’ve already called. I was a mess, and it was both unprofessional and completely unlike me.
He hesitated for a moment, not taking his eyes off me, but he finally stepped out of my way. “I’ll be right back.”
I got the feeling he wasn’t worried about my sanity, but he just wanted to be close by. Or maybe that was wishful thinking on my part because as I watched him walk away, I started to feel empty all over again.
I closed my eyes before turning and walking into Granny’s room. I didn’t look up at her until I was standing by her bed. She looked so peaceful as I took her hand and sat down in the seat beside h
er. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I miss you already, but I know you’re in a better place.” I rested my head on the side of the bed as I said a little prayer for her. I couldn’t believe she was gone.
I heard Sullivan’s footsteps as he walked toward me and then rested his hand on my shoulder without saying a word. His touch comforted me, and I didn’t try to hold back the tears as they rolled down my cheeks and fell to the sheets. I took a moment to silently prepare myself for this to be it.
I stood and tucked her in properly, making sure to cover her entire body except her face with the white sheet. I unplugged the EKG machine and removed the drip line from her hand. This time, I didn’t hear the familiar sound she made when she felt the little sting the needle caused on its way out. This time, there was no reaction. There was…nothing. It was at that point that I smiled.
Sullivan looked over at me. “What made you smile just then?” he asked, most likely fascinated by my latest emotion.
“I just realized now that while I might be in pain from the loss of a loved one, Granny, on the other hand, will never feel any pain again. And that makes me happy.”
He smiled back at me and took my hand as he led me from the room.
The guest house now felt lonely and no longer like home. I’d been hiding in my room for the entire day. Glancing at the clock, I noticed it was now afternoon. I’d tried to sleep, but I would doze off for a few minutes and then wake up in a cold sweat. Although Bridget had brought me food twice, I couldn’t stomach anything but a few sips of water. I just didn’t feel like doing anything other than lying in bed.
It seemed fitting for Granny to pass on a Sunday; it was her favorite day of the week. We’d go to church whenever she had the energy, and the hymns would light her up. Growing up we didn’t go much, but the holidays we all got dressed in our best and went to service. We’d always sit with the Moore family. The Christmas service grew to be my favorite. If I closed my eyes, I could picture Granny singing along, and it brought a smile to my face.
Even though I’d said I was happy that I thought she’d found peace, there was a selfish part of me that still wished she was alive.
It was around six before I finally decided to get out of bed. I kept my eyes cast down as I walked out of my room, being sure not to look in the direction of her room. Knowing she wasn’t there hurt so bad. I tried to block out the vision of her lying there lifeless as that wasn’t like her. She was an energetic woman, and I’d prefer to keep my memories of her that way.
I walked outside to head over to the main house, thinking maybe I needed a drink. I hadn’t done much drinking in my life; I wasn’t even of legal age, but I’d had some coolers and a few glasses of wine here and there. I figured that’s what people did when they were stressed, so I would give it a try.
I tiptoed in the back door and through to the living room. The house was silent. Bridget had mentioned that she and Susan were going out to make preparations for the funeral. I wasn’t sure where Sullivan was, but I felt a little comfort in knowing that he wasn’t in here to judge me as I drank my sorrows. I poured myself some amber liquid not knowing what it was and breathed in the smell. I coughed at the strong stench; it was awful.
I stood at the window, holding my glass and looked up, wondering if she was looking down at me right this moment. The snowflakes began to fall as did my tears.
This day would’ve been one of Granny’s favorites. She loved the snow, especially during the holidays. I bet she was somehow responsible for this. I smiled through my sadness.
I set down my glass on the side table and pushed open the door to run outside. As the flurries fell, I danced around, doing twirls in the snow like a child. My arms stretched wide with my head facing up toward the sky. I felt free and full of joy in that moment.
Thoughts of what Granny had told me the other day ran through my mind as I pranced around. She was right; I needed to live, and I wanted to have this feeling more often. The only way I could do that was to move and start fresh. There was no better time than the present. Susan was going to be upset, but I also thought she would support me. I’d stay for Granny’s funeral, but after that, I needed to start making other arrangements.
“Do you make it a habit of dancing in the snow like a kid?” Sullivan’s deep voice startled me, and I stopped twirling.
I’d become dizzy from spinning for so long. I could feel myself tilting on all axis, and before I hit the ground, Sullivan caught me.
I burst into a fit of giggles; I couldn’t help myself. I was delusional; every time Sullivan near, I had this sense of warmth and safety, and when I was in his embrace it was magnified. I knew it was the residual effects of my childhood crush, but I had a little voice in the back of my mind that said you’re not a kid anymore; you’re both adults. With his face just inches from mine, I looked into his smoldering green eyes, the look he reciprocated had a hint of adoration in it, but I brushed it off as more of my fantasies. I quickly snapped out of it and pulled myself out of his hold. The emptiness crept in again as it seemed to every time I left his embrace. I needed to get a grip on myself. This really wasn’t healthy.
I cleared my throat as I attempted to regain my composure. “Sorry about that. I guess I got a little carried away.”
He continued to stare at me with an odd expression, almost as if he were trying to read my thoughts.
I tried again. “What brings you out in the snow?”
“Apparently, I’m out here to save a beautiful woman from face planting it.” His lip ticked up at the corners, but he tried not to laugh. “What are you doing out here?”
“That you did. Thank you for catching me, by the way.” I smiled. “But in all honesty, I’m not sure why I’m out here. I was in the living room about to take a drink because I needed to numb the pain, and I looked up in the sky, and it started to snow. Granny loved the snow more than anything, and I knew it was her telling me it was okay. So, I ran outside and started to dance.”
Sullivan seemed intrigued as he moved slightly closer. “I knew she loved the holidays, but I didn’t know she loved the snow that much.”
“Well, need I remind you that you are the one who stayed away from home all these years. Any time there was a snowfall, Granny would bring me out here to watch the flakes drift through the air, and when it began to be too much for her, we’d watch it through the window.”
I looked up at him, his expression serious. I could feel his breath on my face, his lips mere inches from mine. He grabbed my hands, putting one on his shoulder and the other he lifted with his out to the side. His free hand wrapped around my waist, pulling my body flush with his as he started to sway with me.
“Dance with me?” It sounded like a question, but I wasn’t quite sure since we’d already started to move.
My body relaxed into his, and I rested my head against his chest. The snow fell around us as we swayed without music.
“She used to say the snow reminded her of everything pure and holy in the world. The snow reminded her of everything peaceful,” I whispered, not sure he’d be able to hear me.
I felt the rumbled in his chest as he spoke. “That sounds like Granny. She loved to find the good in everyone and everything.”
I looked up through my lashes at him as I felt him shiver. I noticed that Sullivan’s cheeks were turning bright red, and his lips were losing color. Instinctively, I reached up and cupped his cheeks; I couldn’t help it. “Looks like you aren’t as much of a lover of the snow and cold as Granny was. Let’s get you inside where you can watch it from the warmth.”
He didn’t budge. Instead, he just stood there, staring into my eyes. After a moment, he brought his hand up to cover mine on his cheek. We stood there in silence until I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Come on, before your mother blames me for letting you freeze to death.” I tugged at his shirt to pull him from his trance.
The snow was starting to come down much heavier and was beginning to stick to the ground. I started for
the door, and Sullivan followed. When we got inside, I started to dust the snow out of my hair and took off my shoes so I didn’t track water all over the house.
I looked up to find Sullivan staring at me. “You know it’s rude to stare. I know your mother taught you better than that.” I giggled awkwardly, and the way he looked at me had me squirming.
He seemed to snap out of his daze. “You are incredibly beautiful, especially covered in snow.” He didn’t say another word before he turned and casually walked away without another glance in my direction.
I smiled to myself but shouted at him, “That was smooth, Mr. Moore. You’re getting better at this!” I teased.
Before I could say another word, Bridget came in, carrying a bunch of bags. I couldn’t keep the smile from my face. I took some of the bags from her to distract myself. She wasn’t very observant.
On the other hand, Susan walked in and noticed immediately. “What’s got you out of bed and all smiles? It’s nice to see.”
They both stood there, waiting for a response.
There was no way in hell was I telling them the truth, so I lied. “Nothing in particular, just trying to see things differently.”
She came over and pulled me in for a hug. “Glad you’re here with us.”
“Me too, Susan.”
SULLIVAN
The day had gone by in a haze. Although I’d lost my grandmother, she was in a better place and no longer in pain. My emotions were all over the place. They seemed to flip flop between two people, Granny and Missy. I couldn’t seem to get Missy off my mind. She looked nothing like the annoying girl with braces, acne, and pigtails. She was certainly no longer irritating, and she didn’t follow me around. Now, if anything, I wanted to shadow her like a lost puppy dog. I wasn’t sure if she had game or if she was just flippant when it came to me. She was hard to read.
I remembered when I’d realized she had a crush on me. At first it was cute, but it quickly became annoying having such a young girl pining over me. I was eighteen and into cheerleaders. I didn’t want anything to do with her. I begged my parents to get me out of it, but they’d just laugh, thinking the crush was adorable. When I’d had enough, I resorted to being mean, hoping she would ask her parents to let her stay home. It was short-lived as I left for college, but those months after I realized it, were agonizing.
Let It Snow Page 4